adios 2012...

I know there are some people purely relieved to say goodbye to 2012. Many people use a new year to mark a fresh start and it's helpful to have a mile marker so to speak to give us a chance to really move past whatever might have held us back the year before.

I just re-read my "farewell 2012" blog and the things I learned in 2011... I spent a lot of time reminding myself and sometimes relearning in 2012. I think that's how it goes sometimes. At the same time I don't want to get caught up in wishing away an entire year or an experience because something went wrong. There were a lot of really good things that happened in 2012 and I'm choosing to focus on them as I step into 2013!

My highlights from 2012... in chronological order (I think!)...
1. took a trip to Funchester and hung out with friends before surprising MU women's basketball
2. surprised my mom making it home in time for her birthday dinner
3. flew to Baltimore and back to NC in a day to see the Ravens win a playoff game
4. Vonta Leach retweeted me (sometimes it's the little things :)
5. an awesome man at Snyder's encouragement
6. learned more about forgiveness
7. youth Sunday at Snyder
8. my neighbor and cousin cut my grass when my lawn mower broke
9. ate lunch in the lion's den three times in one day
10. Easter Jam
11. nerd herd reunion in Burlington
12. a day doing absolutely nothing but watching movies
13. Sugarland concert
14. solid night in Raleigh with friends
15. experienced Parker's for the first time
16. my great-aunt turned 104
17. experienced the Sandbar for the first time
18. new lighting in my kitchen
19. first trip to NYC
20. sweet speed boat ride in Charleston
21. friends who helped me survive no AC in NC summer heat
22. all-American 4th of July
23. fun parental visit
24. a new job
25. spent my 30th birthday with my second family
26. Pat Summitt autograph from amazing friends
27. tons of help prepping my house for sale and packing for the move
28. goodbye lunches/dinners
29. FaceTiming during FCA
30. reuniting with MD friends and fam
31. MU volleyball in DC
32. my parents celebrated 35th anniversary
33. Mississippi visit
34. survived Sandy with no damage
35. introduced Lindsey at HOF induction
36. MU women's basketball in PA
37. sometimes my little sister is stronger than me
38. Thanksiving with the family
39. Boy Meets World sequel is official :)
40. shopping with my sisters
41. praying in three languages
42. Christmas celebrations with family and friends

those highlights not limited to a specific day...
43. medical miracles
44. countless lunches and dinners with friends and family
45. dated an amazing guy
46. swimming/laying out at other people's pools
47. four of my friends had healthy babies
48. my mom's homemade meals
49. others keeping an eye on my house
50. NC visits
51. snail mail
52. free movies
53. playing soccer again
54. Orioles and Ravens games
55. family birthday dinners
56. sermons and tv shows to pass the time during the commute
57. video webcasting during games
58. high school friends' 30th birthday reunions
59. read more books
60. helped a friend or two

How can I regret or wish away 2012 when so many good things happened? Here's to hoping 2013 is even better!

Immanuel...

On the way to church tonight for the Christmas Eve service, I was struck by how many people are spending Christmas alone. While I don't think the purpose of Christmas is family, it is such a comfort to celebrate with family. It is one of two holidays I've managed to ensure I'm always with family (Thanksgiving being the other). I honestly can't fathom not being with people I love and care about during such an important day.

On top of that, being alone is probably one of my biggest fears. Now don't get me wrong, I love to spend time by myself. I've never been great at having roommates, and as much as I can be perceived as loud and outgoing, I can sink into my own head so easily and crave time to decompress by myself. However, it is a comfort to know I can always come home and be surrounded by family when I need them or just need to be around people. It is always reassuring to know I have friends who I could call and they would drop everything if I needed them. And I'm still praying I'll find a man who I can spend the rest of my life with... eventually.

All that to say, there are people not as fortunate. We think a lot about those less fortunate financially during the holidays. There are toy drives and adopt-a-family programs and tons of ways to support those who might be hungry or cold or going without toys this Christmas. I don't want to take anything away from them or what they might be going through. I just have really felt it pressed on my heart tonight to lift up those people who might be surrounded by material possessions, in a warm house, with the world at their fingertips... but alone. I'm praying everyone has someone they can spend Christmas with... and if I knew of someone who needed a place to go tomorrow I'd make room at our table.

Sometimes when someone complains about feeling alone, the easy "Sunday School" answer is to remind them we're never alone, because God is with us. It doesn't always feel like enough to know this being we can't see and can't always here is with us and it can feel like empty encouragement. Our church played a video tonight during the service, reminding us of the verse from Matthew 1:23... "'The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel' (which means 'God with us')."

Too often, I have sped right past that. There are so many names for God, it's easy to take them for granted. "God with us" just sat with me tonight and I was reminded... even when it feels empty or not enough... God is enough because he sent His son to be God with us. We are never alone... even when it's Christmas... even when we feel like we're alone... We are never alone.

Check it out:

gratitude...

This month has been full of friends sharing the list of things they're thankful for on Facebook. Some may argue we shouldn't have to wait until a particular Thursday in November to be thankful. Others may celebrate the chance to really stop and be thankful, especially as the pace of life continues to speed up. 

I want to do both. I want to be thankful every day, but I also want to set this day apart to really stop and soak it in. 

I will always be thankful for my faith and my family. My faith has probably grown more in the last 15 months than it has in a long time. God continues to challenge me and push me to dig in closer to Him. It is my instinct to fall into myself and those around me and He keeps calling me out. Since moving, I've been blessed by my parents' church along with plenty of other sermons from solid pastors/speakers like Steven Furtick, Andy Stanley and Lysa Terkeurst that challenge me to keep pursuing Him first. 

One of the biggest reasons for me to come home was to spend more time with my family. If I didn't receive confirmation when I had the chance to go to the first three Ravens' games with my dad, I was reminded when 16 of us went to dinner for my dad's 70th birthday. Those are the moments I missed the most when I was in NC. It wasn't the end of the world when I wasn't here, but it meant the world to me to be able to be here, especially for such a cool milestone. I want to be here for my family when we're hurting, when we're celebrating, and everything in between. 

At the same time, while I'm able to be here for all those things I've missed in Maryland, now I'm missing them in North Carolina. Too often, I wish I could be two places at once. As thankful as I am for an opportunity to reconnect with friends and family in Maryland, I am just as grateful for my friends in North Carolina who haven't forgotten me. It's so easy for time and space to come between friends. I know it's only been a few months and next Thanksgiving I may be singing a different song... but today, I am thankful for my friends who have helped me during this transition... I've had good days and bad days, but it is such a comfort to know I have people I can call/text/write/FaceTime/e-mail and celebrate the good or vent the bad. 

I'm thankful for my new job that gave me a fresh start and more flexibility on nights and weekends. I've been working hard to reclaim my life and find hobbies outside of work. One of my favorites has definitely been playing soccer every week. Every Sunday night I get to reconnect with former (I would say old, but we're in denial) high school teammates and take out some stress on the field. I love the competition and just being back on the field.

I want to be thankful for my house even though it hasn't sold yet. I know this isn't an ideal time to sell (and not lose money) and I don't want to become bitter about it. I have a lot of great memories in that house and I will always be grateful for my first house. I am absolutely thankful for my parents' patience and understanding while I crash at their place during this "extended" transition!

I'm soaking in and stocking up the gratitude today in hopes it will exude from me all year long. 

good luck me...

If you have seen the movie "Good Luck Chuck" you might remember the premise is Dane Cook's character has a "curse" that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love. If you haven't seen the movie, I don't recommend it. It's typical Dane Cook which I tend to find crude and usually unbearable. However, this story line happens to be relatable... particularly when you're single and 30.

Lately, I've started to think I'm the female version of "Chuck" without the sex. It seems after a relationship doesn't work out with me, "the one" is just around the bend. Perhaps it's mere coincidence particularly with two engagements in the last two months, but I'm beginning to think I might have a marketable skill here. 

There are a couple of common responses once an ex gets engaged... (and I use the term "ex" loosely since neither relationship was facebook official and because that is the top authority on relationships this note is important) 

1. Drown yourself in "what ifs" and a tub of ice cream. This is probably the most common response especially for girls. Either way, when someone else finds your ex desirable enough to marry, it's common practice to ask yourself enlightening questions like "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why didn't I think he/she was good enough?" I'm not sure either line of questioning is helpful and usually this just creates uncomfortable and/or awkward (aka sad) situations all around. 

2. Pat yourself on the back. Had your relationship with the now-engaged lasted any longer, you might have kept them from meeting "the one." Now I'm not necessarily a believer in everyone only has one "the one," but I do think if you find someone, who am I to keep you from them? This might work better depending on if you were the breaker or the breakee but neither is good. I despise being the breaker and hurting people... especially if you really choose to base a relationship on a prior friendship and not only do you lose a boy/girlfriend but a friend. There is always some relief in me when someone I ended things with finds their person (this is not a Grey's reference). It gives me confirmation I made the right decision and makes me happy that they're happy (this is based on the assumption engaged people are happy ha). I would congratulate them, but that always seems like it might be misconstrued so I silently congratulate them and give myself that pat on the back. If you're the breakee, maybe it's a little harder to spin the situation, but sometimes I can rest easier knowing it really wasn't meant to be. 

Not being the one is never fun and rarely easy, but I'm happy for those that figured it out. Congratulations!

word censoring...

We could probably all come up with a list of words deemed "off limits." Whether they have been deemed politically incorrect, socially unacceptable, crude or maybe offensive, there have been many words that are considered taboo, at least in certain audiences.

As a Christian, people occasionally debate the use of swear/curse/cuss words. Some debate which words fit into the category and others debate whether they any of them really should be off limits. I would even suggest there are words that some words' meaning have changed as our culture has changed. Depending on where and how you grew up a word may carry no weight compared to someone else in a completely different setting.

Rather than try to jump into either of those debates... I've created my own soap box. Some of my least favorite words or phrases people could say in church, school or work and most people wouldn't bat an eye and yet I cringe every time. They are considered politically correct (or at least not incorrect), socially acceptable and not crude or offensive... or at least it seems.

It seems common for people to express their stress or dissatisfaction with their circumstances with a "kill me now" or maybe a "shoot me now" or just the charade of a gun to the head or a noose around the neck. I hate all of the above. A lot of people would probably say I'm being too sensitive or it's just a joke, but I'm not sure how you can lose friends and family to suicide or even walk along side people who have attempted suicide and throw those words around so loosely. My personal experience with suicide makes those words jump out at me and carry so much more weight. I realize our tendency is to exaggerate or over dramatize without any real threat of suicide, but usually a simple "I'm stressed" or "This is miserable" or even "I'd rather be anywhere other than here" would suffice. Most of the time, things aren't that bad that you would really consider killing yourself. At the same time, if they are that bad, how am I to differentiate between an exaggeration and a cry for help. I don't always trust myself to know the difference and as a result would just prefer to eliminate the exaggerations all together. Please.

three hours and 130 miles...

For the last four years I have had a one-way commute of 1.3 miles. The two years prior it was a whopping mile (shorter if I walked). Tomorrow marks my one month anniversary of a 62-68 mile one-way commute. Some people think I'm crazy... some people have it worse. I feel like I've been spoiled the last six years and I needed to even out my road miles.

I see a lot of miserable faces when I tell people about the drive. When I tell people I'm commuting, the first question is always, "how long?"With no traffic (aka late at night) I can do it in a hour to hour and 15 minutes. I've been averaging closer to hour and a half other than the two hour Friday beach traffic trip and a four hour disaster morning when they closed one span of the bay bridge.

If I had a choice I would absolutely live closer. I suppose technically I have a choice, but I've chosen to pay my bills and in order to do that I need to live with my parents until my house sells. When I first accepted the new job I immediately began scouring the internet for places to live. I've never actually had the opportunity to apartment shop. When I first graduated, my apartment was essentially decided based on my employer. In grad school, my roommate was from Knoxville and picked out our place and in Fayetteville, my roommate was already living there and found us a place. All three apartments were just what I/we needed, but I was excited to pick out something on my own. I was pricing options and asking friends and taking virtual tours. And then I decided to stop looking.

I have no idea how long it's going to take to sell my house, and while I'm praying it's not long... the market is not ideal and the level of interest so far is not a good sign. I want to be content where I am and not constantly pine away for that place on my own. I also know I spent the last six years working at an incredibly high pace. I don't know how often I had three hours to myself and I've been craving a step back. So here I am driving 130ish miles a day and spending a solid three hours bonding with my car. I could be picky and ask God for three hours that didn't cost so much (I'm estimating I'm paying $400 a month on gas which is still cheaper than any apartment I could find close to work) but I think God knows what I need better than I do.

In the meantime, I'm catching up on my neglected 18 days of music on my iPod, listening to sermons, watching tv shows (only in traffic :), and occasionally catching up with friends when I have some spare minutes. Here's to making three hours productive and being content in the here and now! I also wouldn't mind if you'd join me in praying my house would sell... asap!

hope solo...

It might be a bit premature to write the token Hope Solo blog since I haven't read her book yet. Maybe I don't have the whole picture, but since following the US women's national soccer team (USWNT) for the last 15-20 years (and by follow I mean occasionally obsess and/or stalk) I've followed her career from the beginning and had to insert my opinion after so much criticism over the last five years.

Solo is most known for controversy when I probably appreciate her most for her goalkeeping abilities. A year older than me, I was trying to wrap up high school when Hope was finishing her freshman year of college and earning her first cap (appearance) with the full USWNT in 2000. She was an alternate for the 2004 Olympic team before really becoming the starting keeper in 2005. I'm not sure anyone really knew who she was until the 2007 World Cup. Her father passed away just before the tournament and Solo dedicated the tournament to him earning some press. Things really went crazy when former USWNT head coach Greg Ryan benched Solo for the semifinal versus Brazil in favor of Briana Scurry. Brazil had their way with the USWNT that day as they rolled to a 4-0 win and Solo told a reporter after the game, "It was the wrong decision, and I think anybody that knows anything about the game knows that. There's no doubt in my mind I would have made those saves. And the fact of the matter is it's not 2004 anymore. It's not 2004. And it's 2007, and I think you have to live in the present. And you can't live by big names. You can't live in the past. It doesn't matter what somebody did in an Olympic gold medal game in the Olympics three years ago. Now is what matters, and that's what I think." Most people only quote the first two sentences, but she's referencing 2004 because Ryan supposedly attributed Scurry's start to her strong performance in the 2004 Olympics.

My take: I agree with what Solo said. I was never a fan of Ryan and while I appreciated Scurry's tremendous career, I didn't think there was a need to change what wasn't broken. At the same time, I don't think it was the time to say it. I also don't think she should have even been accessible to reporters. As someone in PR, I don't think we're supposed to blame our own, so I'm not blaming anyone, but I think you need to know your personnel and the circumstances. It was obviously a volatile situation, but I think you have to know Hope would speak her mind so if you don't want to hear it, avoid putting her in that situation (this was also pre-twitter so there was more control).

Ironically enough Scurry was an alternate on the 2008 Olympic team when Solo posted a shutout in the gold medal game over Brazil. The 2011 World Cup was without a ton of controversy. The team lost and some have been critical of Solo's time spent with her family in the stands rather than congregating with the team, but I don't really care. It's hard to want to be around your team after a loss. She didn't ostracize her teammates (as far as I know) and she went and thanked her family. Not a big deal... to me.

Leading up to the 2012 Olympics, the USADA issued a public warning against Solo for taking a banned substance. It was a diuretic... not a performance enhancer and they figured out it was from a prescribed medication for "premenstrual purposes." Other than the public warning, there weren't any other penalties issued.

My take: Not a big deal. Some people have criticized her for being a distraction to the team before the tournament and suggesting she should have done a better job knowing what she was taking. I think athletes do have the responsibility of checking any medication to make sure it isn't banned. I don't know  whether Solo didn't check or just assumed it would be fine, but I don't think she was trying to disguise anything else with the diuretic and I don't think she was trying to bring attention to herself or be a distraction. She was publicly warned and had to tell everyone she was on premenstrual medication. Not the most embarrassing thing (there are tons of women taking birth control or some kind of medication for premenstrual purposes), but also not anything to brag about. In a bonus chapter of her book available online, Solo said, "Still, the burden of proof fell on me. Part of being a world-class athlete is keeping aware of everything that enters one’s body. I understood I needed to file a TUE—a therapeutic use exemption. I knew all the rules; I just hadn’t known there was anything in the drug that I needed to worry about. I couldn’t believe that my Olympic dreams could be ruined because of a medication I’d been taking for more than a year." She also mentions in the book the last athlete who tested positive for the drug was banned for two months. There's no way Solo does this on purpose or to bring attention to herself. Too dangerous.

After the second game of the tournament, Solo fired off some tweets directed to Brandi Chastain regarding her commentating. Solo was criticized for sparking controversy, serving as another distraction and heaven forbid, criticizing a '99 hero.

My take: You can read Solo's version in the bonus chapter, but I think the tweets were taken out of context. Solo and Chastain had a history and Solo had enough. I think she even felt like she was sticking up for her team, for the sport and even said, "When the tweets came across everyone’s Twitter feed, the bus erupted with cheers. 'Hell yeah, Hope,' my teammates cried. Pearcie and Abby and others offered up high fives. 'Somebody finally said it,' they said. It was a bonding moment for our team." I agree with Solo, Chastain is not a good commentator. I don't think it has anything to do with whether she's a '99er or not. I'm pretty critical of women's soccer commentators in general. I know sometimes executives think it's best to rely on a big name rather than big talent especially having worked with Anson Dorrance when he was broadcasting for the WUSA. Again, I question Solo's timing on the tweets, but after getting on the bus after a big win and getting an "onslaught" of negative feedback I can understand how she thought she was standing up for her team and the game. Those who had blown up Solo's phone (friends, family, twitter groupies) all applauded Solo's confrontation (can you call it a confrontation if it's on twitter?). Regardless, I don't think it was Solo trying to be a distraction. I think she thought she was standing up to the class bully (unfounded or not)... I can appreciate her intentions.

Since the Olympics Solo's been making public appearances and people will continue to critique her words and actions. I think that comes with the territory when you're on national tv and publish a tell-all book. I don't think Solo thrives in the public eye and she's more comfortable with her friends and around people she trusts. I know many are tired of people using the "troubled upbringing" as an excuse for crappy things. I don't think Solo would ever use it as an excuse, but I think she does tend to defend herself easily and question others easily and for that I'm not sure I can blame her.

My graduate degree would call me to question the treatment of Solo as a female compared to her male counterparts. Would anyone care if a male athlete had complained about getting benched in one of the biggest games of his career or tweeted to a commentator about a poor performance? I think it would make the news and I think people would either laugh at the guy (because he's not respected in his sport) or applaud him (because they would agree). Regardless, I don't think Solo's press persona should take away from her abilities on the field. She truly is an amazing goalkeeper and in 4-8 years someone else might be ready for her to be benched, but for now... play on!

accountability...

I'm a huge fan of accountability. I'm not sure I'd qualify as an expert and I'm not sure I even have any perfect examples of structured accountability in my own life, but I'm a big promoter.

I believe it is crucial to surround yourself with people who will encourage you and set you straight... sometimes in the same sentence. I'm guessing one of the more popular scriptures used for accountability is from Galatians 6, but I stumbled onto a reminder in 1 Thessalonians 5 I like. Verses 14-22: "And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil."

I think this is one of those passages that can be misused. The first part of verse 14 alone could have a bunch of busybodies running around warning all of the lazy crew how they're sinning. Instead, Paul goes on with more instructions that make the job a little more delicate. We're to warn, encourage, help and be patient all in one sentence. I think that's the epitome of accountability without ever saying the word.

I'm not sure what accountability looks like in the best case scenario. I don't have a weekly confession session with a friend over coffee while we pray for each other (I am a fan of praying for my friends even when it weirds them out :). I'm sure that works for some people, and maybe I should give it a fair shot... but in the meantime I have tried to surround myself with people I trust will tell me the truth. I want people who can warn, encourage, help and be patient all at the same time. I don't really need friends who are just there to agree with me. I want people who will challenge me.

I'm not sure it's "natural" to tell your friend he/she is screwing up. And I really don't think it's "natural" to smile and take it when your friend tells you you're screwing up. It takes a special friendship to reach a point where you can give and take criticism and know it's coming from a good place. At the same time, I think we're called to something more than just being teammates or gossip buddies. I think God has called us to something more than, "he/she's not hurting me so we're good." I want it to hurt me when my friend is hurting someone else or himself/herself.

My favorite technique... ask questions. We're all less threatened by questions as opposed to a critical observation. Give me a chance to figure out what I'm screwing up before you lambast me for it. A question lets me process it and ask for your opinion when I'm ready. Don't get me wrong... sometimes people are still oblivious and you have to spell it out... or sometimes you still hit a nerve that makes people defensive or bitter. Regardless... keep praying and work on those other hints... encourage, help and be patient when the warning doesn't go so well. It's a package deal.

landmark eve...

Tomorrow's the big day. I'm set to embark on a new career... or maybe an extension of my career. This entire summer has felt like I've been getting reacquainted with being uncomfortable. I had to brush off the dust of my resume... stuttered through some interviews... and tomorrow get to experience a "first day of work"for the first time in six years.

There's something unsettling about putting yourself out there... listing everything you've done on a sheet of paper (or more depending on which job search advice you take) and letting people evaluate you. If you're fortunate enough to get a response, you try to prepare for any number of questions during a series of interviews. At the same time they're interviewing you, you're interviewing them and everyone is trying to size the other up to see if this is a good fit. There is a huge sense of relief and excitement once everyone decides they like each another to hire and be hired. And then you actually go to work.

Since accepting the new job, I've had a ton of questions about it. What are you going to be doing? What are your hours like? Is it like what you were doing? What were  you doing again? I don't know all of the answers... or it seems at least I can't answer them well enough. I have a general idea... I've worked with someone who has done my job. In reality, I'm resting in the faith the search committee has placed in me to do the job. I'm sure there will be plenty of awkward or at least uncomfortable moments as I have to ask stupid rookie questions or work twice as long to complete something that will hopefully be quicker in a year. I've resigned myself to the fact I will make mistakes... but I'm also confident my years of experience in mistake-making have prepared me to fix them efficiently and without too much destruction!

I had a busy (and sometimes stressful) month transitioning and I'm not naive enough to think the transition is over, but I am anxious to get started on this new adventure. Here goes something more than nothing but not quite everything!

turning 30...

During the summer of 2012 I have managed to get a new job, a boyfriend and.... gasp... turn 30. I've seen some friends really struggle with 30 and I was determined not to join them. In reality, we're getting older every day and we've created these societal expectations and media pressure that have determined who we should be when we turn 30. I think if you had asked me 15 years ago... probably even 10 years ago where I would be when I turned 30, I would have told you I'd be married with a kid or two while balancing some amazing career. Of course I also thought I'd meet my husband in college. I probably struggled more graduating college and not being any closer to mastering my love life than I did this year. At the same time I was cognizant of this milestone approaching and trying to figure out what I was doing with my life.

I've tried to balance these feelings of content and panic all summer. Change is never easy... at least not for me and I am usually a big long-term planner. In May I typically know what the next 7-8 months will look like. During this May I had no idea what I would be doing in June let alone December or January. I over think things and analyze every possible scenario and this summer I've been challenged to just take it one day at a time while still checking my direction. We can't let the unknown of next week paralyze us, but I also don't think we should keep our head down so much that we end up falling off the track.

I'm confident God spends time convincing me to really be satisfied in Him alone and sometimes that means holding back some of this stuff I think I need. I want to grateful for the Giver, not just the gifts. I'm grateful for the opportunity to see a couple of steps in front of me after a season of unknown as I turned 30. I was ready to move forward and I think it helped me conquer whatever expectations I have placed on myself for this particular time in my life.

At the same time, there is still what feels like an almost overwhelming sense of unknown. After an exhausting week with a move... I came to some sense of peace. I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying to live in this moment and be content... even at 30! The last month has been full of stress, change and sleepless nights... but tonight I am grateful. I am so thankful God always knows better than I do... His timing is better than mine. Here's to embracing unsettledness!

just a see you later...

I have always tried to remind God I’m not a very good decision maker. I consistently ask him to close the doors I shouldn’t walk through and open the ones I should enter. I'm trusting Him as I close one door and open another at the Landmark Conference. I always knew leaving Methodist would never be easy and I'm dreading all of the goodbyes. At the same time, I have a peace about my decision and I'm super excited about a new job. It's bittersweet as I have a ton of people I'm going to miss and yet I'm returning to friends and family in Maryland I have been missing for the last six years.

How do you put six years into words? Six years ago I came to Methodist slightly naïve, but still completely thrilled to have a fresh start and a job that allowed me to not only return to my alma mater, but to actually use my degrees! Six years later I’m beyond blessed to have grown both professionally and personally in ways I could have never imagined. I could recant a list of things I’ve learned to do as a sports information director and assistant athletic director, but it always seems to come back to the people more than the things.

I knew I was at the right place within my first three months when I had the pleasure of accompanying the women’s soccer team to the NCAA Tournament. The Methodist women's soccer team was a national championship contender in the mid 1990s, but returned to the "big dance" for the first time in 11 years in 2006. I had dreamt of reaching the tournament when I was a student-athlete so watching as a member of the travel party (twice) was a close second.

For nearly three years I was able to watch my sister play lacrosse. I watched her fall in love with her husband, shared my house with her and I am confident God meant for us to be here together for those years.

I made friends and I lost friends, but I don’t regret any of them. I've dated and I've experienced break ups and I only regret a couple. Just kidding. I don’t regret any of the experiences and lessons learned from each and every relationship.

For most of my time back, my cousin and her family have lived less than 10 minutes away and I have loved having family here. Her kids have kept me laughing and I will miss them dearly.

I have worked with a ton of amazing people both at Methodist and throughout my travels amongst other colleges and universities. Sometimes it was a phone call at just the right time or maybe it was filling in at the table or the press box when I was in a jam or even pulling me away from work when I felt like I was drowning. Regardless… I am grateful.

One of my favorite things about Methodist will always be FCA. The speakers have blessed me, but I have been even more blessed by the students I have met there. I know it won’t be the same without having an office on campus with a semi-cozy couch, but I pray I might still be able to encourage the students and somehow make a difference in someone’s life.

I suppose it all boils down to… Thank you! To everyone I have met, worked with, hung out with… you have made the six years worth every minute. I am grateful for the experience and pray I might have left just a piece of the impact on you that you have left on me. I'm not saying goodbye... just see you later.

"I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your love for all his holy people and your faith in the Lord Jesus. I pray that your partnership with us in the faith may be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we share for the sake of Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people." – Philemon 4-7

DVD clearance...

I'm in the process of cleaning out my collection of DVDs... I have collected 200 DVDs and took a ton of pride in a bunch of movies I keep listed in alphabetical order and usually only watch once. It's time to clean house and I'm selling some of them. I could use amazon or ebay, but thought I'd cut out the middle man first and see if any of my friends would want any. Anything made 2003 or later is $5 and anything earlier is $4. If you're not local, we can discuss shipping. Please let me know if you're interested and we can work out the details.

17 Again	2009
50 First Dates	2004
American Dreamz	2006
Antwone Fisher	2002
Aurora Borealis	2005
Backup Plan	2010
Because I Said So	2007
Best Laid Plans | The Edge | Kiss of Death	1999	1997	1995
Birdie & Bogey	2004
Blood Diamond	2006
Bobby	2006
Brave One	2007
Break-Up	2006
Brothers	2009
Chariots of Fire	1981
Charlie Wilson's War	2007
Closer	2004
Collateral	2004
Come Early Morning	2006
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind	2002
Conspiracy Theory	1997
Courage Under Fire	1996
Curious Case of Benjamin Button	2008
December Boys	2007
Definitely, Maybe	2008
Devil Wears Prada	2006
Dreamer	2005
Duplicity	2009
Dying Young	1991
Elizabethtown	2005
Emperor's Club	2002
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind	2004
Everyone Says I Love You	1996
Family Stone	2005
Firm	1993
Flags of Our Fathers	2006
Flatliners	1990
Four Christmases	2008
Fracture	2007
Full Frontal	2002
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past	2009
Grace is Gone	2007
Gracie	2007
Grand Champion	2002
Greatest	2009
Hardball	2001
Heartbreak Kid	2007
High Crimes	2002
Higher Learning	1995
Hotel Rwanda	2004
How to Deal	2003
I Love Trouble	1994
In Good Company	2004
In Love and War	1996
Inception	2010
Inside Man	2006
Joe Somebody	2001
Just Friends	2005
Last Kiss	2006
Leap Year	2010
Legendary	2010
Letters to God	2010
List	2007
Maid in Manhattan	2002
Mary Reilly	1996
Meet the Browns	2008
Men of Honor	2000
Mexican	2001
Michael Collins	1996
Mighty Heart	2007
Miss Congeniality 2	2005
Mona Lisa Smile	2003
Monster	2003
Monster-in-Law	2005
Murder by Numbers	2002
Mystic River	2003
Player	1992
Poseidon Adventure	1972
Precious	2009
Ready to Wear	1994
Rebound	1996
Reggie's Prayer	1996
Reign Over Me	2007
Rendition	2007
Reservation Road	2007
Room to Move	1987
Rumor Has It	2005
Satisfaction	1988
School Ties	1992
Siege	1998
Sleepers	1996
Sleeping With the Enemy	1991
Something to Talk About	1995
Something's Gotta Give	2003
Stand By Me	1986
State of Play	2009
Sydney White	2007
There Will Be Blood	2007
This Christmas	2007
Though None Go With Me	2006
Time Traveler's Wife	2009
Two Weeks Notice	2002
Ugly Truth	2009
Untraceable	2008
Up in the Air	2009
Vanity Fair	2004
Walk the Line	2005
Wedding Date	2005
Wedding Planner	2001
While You Were Sleeping	1995
You, Me and Dupree	2006

laugh of the week...

Based on my post stats, my laugh of the week posts are struggling in popularity, but I think I've realized they're more for me than any kind of audience. Sometimes things can get too stressful or too serious and I just need a laugh. 

I recently watched Lisa Ling's special on the teen pregnancy "epidemic" covered on "Our America" so this seemed timely. I'm a huge proponent of abstinence, but I also believe in education. One of the girls featured on "Our America" had two children as a teen and had refused birth control because her friends told her it would make her fat. One of my friends stated the obvious in reminding the girl you gain weight in pregnancy too! Either way... there are a lot of mixed messages and crazy myths out there that need debunking!

asking for help...

I'm not very good at asking for help. I'm sure a psychologist could thoroughly analyze my childhood to figure out why, but regardless I'm independent. I'd like to think I'm more willing to accept help when offered, but really I want to do it by myself. Sometimes I think owning a home has made me even more independent. I've had family, friends and the occasional boyfriend help me out over the last four years of home ownership, but no one here to consistently help when I need a ceiling fan installed or the bushes trimmed.

Sometimes I'm reminded I can't do it on my own and have to rely on the experts. While I think I've mastered ceiling fan replacement, I thought I should seek some help for recessed lights. Not long after, I  learned quickly I would need some expert help with the air conditioning in my house. Unfortunately the "experts" aren't really working on my timeline and I'm stuck with no air conditioning during one of the hottest weekends of the year. Temperatures outside exceeding 100 degrees had my house at 90. I'm not even a fan of air conditioning and didn't turn it on until June 19th, but I was beginning to question my ability to get through this one on my own. I had a couple different offers for places I could stay, but I think if I just had a tent I would be cooler in the backyard and I wouldn't have to depend on anyone else. When the thermostat was still reading 90 at 9:45 pm I decided I couldn't do it anymore and had to take up a friend on her offer.

Asking for help is super humbling. I always want people to let me help them, but have trouble accepting their offer. I have to acknowledge I can't do it on my own and I always feel like I'm inconveniencing or annoying someone. I have to accept if someone really didn't want me to accept their offer, they shouldn't have offered. I am forever grateful for those around me who continue to support me and offer help even when I don't want it but especially when I just need a place to sleep in sub-90 degree heat.

laugh of the week...

standing for courage...

Last fall the movie Courageous was released as Sherwood Films' fourth film behind Flywheel, Facing the Giants and Fireproof. The movies have always had strong themes and messages while the production can sometimes be questionable. I think Courageous was probably the closest to a typical Hollywood film in terms of production, not that it seems to matter to me. I sobbed regardless!

Without giving away the entire movie, the tagline is: "When a tragedy strikes close to home, four police officers struggle with their faith and their roles as husbands and fathers; together they make a decision that will change all of their lives." The movie centers around the men as they make a resolution to change.

My pastor spent time last week and this week with messages to fathers. Today was centered around the passage in Joshua 24 where verse 15 wraps up, "But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Pastor Cook reminded us of the short term memory the Israelites seemed to struggle with and noted how Joshua stepped away from speaking for the people and made it personal, taking a stand for his family. He wrapped up with a clip from the movie Courageous when the main character makes a plea to the men in his church. Pastor Cook then invited men to stand and make the resolution. He assured anyone who needed to take it home and process the information would not be judged or looked down upon, but after his invitation, it seemed as if most men were signing on to his request. Most, if not all the men stood up and repeated "The Resolution" after Pastor Cook.

I love the message in the movie and I love the message behind "The Resolution." I pray every day I find a man with such resolve to take a stand and be a Godly leader of my family. Normally my fear is people who won't take a stand. A popular saying goes, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." It's easy to sit back and watch everything pass us by without standing. It takes courage to stand. At the same time, the reverse could be true. Sometimes people stand just because everyone else stands and never actually make a change. I think a resolution requires action beyond standing. I know standing is the first step, but it's more difficult to stay seated in a room full of standing men, than it is to stand up when everyone else is sitting down. I guess it just felt so fast. I wanted everyone to see the whole movie... to understand what they were agreeing to... to buy into the whole message rather than just signing up out of peer pressure or obligation.

Let's continue to stand up for Christ. Let's continue to stand up for positive change. But let's also make sure that stand of courage turns into action of resolve.




"The Resolution"

I DO solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.

I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home.

I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me.

I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength.

I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly.

I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.

I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness respect, and compassion.

I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.

I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God.

I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word, and do His will.

I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. – Joshua 24:15

laugh of the week...

I'm not sure it's good to encourage laughing at your kid's expense... but just in case it's okay, enjoy some Jimmy Kimmel.

lessons from dad...

Another Father's Day is here when I'm not with my dad. Between living in North Carolina and the proximity of the holiday to Memorial Day makes it hard to make another trip north. The last couple of years I've tried to make up for it with a trip to an Orioles game later in the summer. I made the weekly call home today and let a card and a phone call stand in for my absence.

I think my dad and I have grown a lot together, especially over the last 10 years. My dad shows love through actions. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me. A hug is usually slightly awkward and only a few times a year when I leave to go back to NC or he leaves to go back to MD. I've learned a lot through him and I pray someday my kids are complaining I smothered them with affection. 

While my dad doesn't express his feelings often, he would drop everything if I needed him. During my freshman year of high school he was essentially my personal chauffeur and carted my friends back from games and practices all over the shore. He is almost 70, usually in some kind of pain and still insisted on changing the oil and spark plug on my lawn mower when he came to visit. He's never really said so, but I know he's proud of my career and checks the website every day for news even after Kelsie graduated and he knows no one I'm writing about. We have always connected through his love for sports and whether it was playing sports growing up or cheering for the Ravens and Orioles now, I love sharing the experience with him. 

When I was growing up I felt smothered by his rules, judged by his temper and insecure of my place in his world... but I don't think I understood him. I still don't agree with everything he says and I'm sure he'll continue to drive me crazy, but I am so grateful for his presence in my life and the lessons he has taught me. I hope I've learned discipline from his rules, patience from his temper and self-confidence in the long run. If nothing else, I know I'm loved.

Happy Father's Day!

men and women...

One of my favorite bloggers's Bianca Juarez had Joy Eggerichs' guest blog last week and I didn't even get through the whole blog before I got stuck on a quote.

We asked over 7,000 people if in conflict they feel more unloved or disrespected?
83% of men said they felt more disrespected.
72% of women said they felt more unloved.

I immediately copied and pasted it on Facebook and no one seemed to care (aka no likes or comments). Of course it would be awesome if we could just eliminate conflict, but in the likely event we can't, it was the statistics that struck me. There are tons of books and research proving men and women are different, but I'm thinking those differences are even more apparent in conflict. We tend to communicate in the way we prefer and we address conflict in the same way.

It is affirming to know I'm not the only woman who fears being unloved. I'm sure there are situations when I've felt disrespected, but it doesn't define me like love does. The bigger question becomes what to do with the research?

Eggerichs suggests, "So, while I know I won’t be perfect and either will he…I’m making a choice in my singleness to be aware of how my husband is going to feel in conflict and the sensitivity he has to feeling like I really don’t 'like' him in conflict."

Awareness is crucial... ideally we might all feel loved and respected even dare I say in conflict.

laugh of the week...

I joined pinterest a few months ago and occasionally there's something on there that really makes me laugh...

subtweeting...

I've been wanting to vent about those who subtweet... otherwise known as tweeting to or about people without naming them. I feel like it would be much healthier to either direct your tweets to a person or don't tweet at all. Having a vent session about this mystery person doesn't seem to accomplish much. Perhaps we all need more diaries. I don't even think I'm the one being subtweeted about... perhaps I'm naive and in that case it proves my point you might need to be more direct.

On the other hand, I'm thinking it's probably hypocritical if I tweeted about all those subtweeting. I'm not sure I could fit all of the offenders into 140 characters so it would in effect be a subtweet. Instead I decided to blog about it. As a recommendation... subtweeting is clogging my feed.

laugh of the week...

Today I'm stealing borrowing a laugh courtesy of Jon Acuff. He's one of my favorite authors and keeps me laughing at the idiosyncrasies associated with Christians. You'll thank me later!

Stuff Christians Like #1211: Making sure everyone knows your fiance isn’t living with you.

calling...

There are a ton of resources out there talking about finding your calling in life. Christians spend a lot of time talking about, trying to find and live out God's calling on our lives. Different people suggest different methods. Sometimes it can almost be crippling as the instructions can send us into overload.

A few years ago I was debating a job opportunity and could not figure out if that was where God was calling me. I felt like God has a plan for my life and I wanted him to guide my steps... so much so that I wanted Him to tell me yes or no to the job. I felt like if I made the wrong decision, I would be outside of God's will. I am so grateful for a pastor I met briefly and haven't seen since who told me God's plan was for me to glorify Him and I would be in His will no matter what I decided as long as I glorified Him. It reminded me of the John Piper quote, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."

I still consistently pray God open the doors He wants me to walk through and close everything else. I still don't always trust my decision-making and I am thankful for God's direction in my life.

Earlier this year I came across a quote from Frederick Buechner, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I love it... I'm still trying to figure out what it means for me, but I think to find a place or places like that is so encouraging and what I would like to think of as the sweet spot in this life on earth. Here's to finding the place God calls us.

laugh of the week...

When all else fails there's always Ellen Degeneres scaring people...

harder than training for the Olympics...

Hmm... how do I keep this professional? I have loosely followed track and field since I was a kid. I was in a running club as a kid (because our PE teacher was hot) and at some point I started competing in track meets in middle school. Eventually I joined the high school team and after reaching the pinnacle of my career finishing fourth at states in the pole vault I retired soon after and embarrassed myself in other sports. Since then I've been fortunate to meet storied Tennessee track coach J.J. Clark and work alongside former Olympian Duane Ross. I have an appreciation for track and field and recently have admired Lolo Jones' career. (even if she did go to LSU!) Last night she was featured on the show "SEC Storied" and everyone got to see her crazy background going from sleeping at a shelter to making the Olympic team.

Tonight they're airing a special on HBO I won't have a chance to catch due to the lack of HBO, but Yahoo showed a clip that had me cracking up and just added to my admiration. Not only is she a world champion hurdler, but she's rocking that V card proudly. I love that she isn't nerdy and she's not a virgin because she didn't have the opportunity. I'm not sure how many other 29 year old women are virgins by choice, but I'm glad Lolo's keeping me company.

laugh of the week...

Sports teams have been doing choreographed dances to songs for years... or at least our baseball team has... somehow Harvard baseball went viral with "Call Me Maybe" and now SMU rowing has a rebuttal. These are almost as much fun as rain delay dance-offs. Name your winner!

praying for mom...

Remember when I used to blog all the time? I had a schedule and often even blogged a week ahead of time just overflowing with wisdom (ha!). And then... life happened. I haven't blogged in more than a month and before that it was probably at least three weeks... definitely not the typical rules of thumb for a successful blog. And then I thought... since when did I create this blog to be a success? Everything else in our lives is set up to attempt to be the best or to gain some kind of praise... and maybe this just needs to be my safe place to just write without expectation or need for approval. Would be nice! So yes, I'll probably blog more in the summer, but I don't want it to be out of obligation or rules or expectations.

On another note... I happened to be inspired on mother's day! I'm spending another one without my mom so I have the chance to be sappy and reflective. In church this morning, Pastor Cook shared prayers moms have prayed for their children. I started thinking about prayers children pray for their moms.

Today... I'm praying for mom that she might always be happy. I'm praying she'll continue to grow in her relationship with God. I'm praying for our relationship that we might continue to get to know each other better. I'm so grateful for her patience with my dad, sister and I and pray it will continue! I'm praying she can retire soon and still find some financial freedom. I'm praying she'll always feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in life. I'm praying she never has to feel pain or suffering (would be nice!) and I'm praying I'll always be there when she needs me... even if it means changing her diaper. (I'm thinking she's probably changed one or two of mine!)

I am so grateful for my mom and hope she and all of the other moms have an amazing mother's day!

strengthen my hands...

Recently... I've been struck by how empty or superficial faith can be. I'm a fighter. I'm a fixer. When something's broken I want to fix it. If my faith isn't "working" (in quotations to stress the irony of a faith "working" for me)... I want to fix it. Sometimes we're always looking to be fed, and we forget sometimes God has called us to feed. Don't get me wrong... I think we have to be fed to feed others, but it's not always about what we get... sometimes we're called to give.

Tonight our group watched the Shallow Small Group video. I had seen it before and I think it's ironically funny. And yet at some point tonight I became fearful the video was talking about us... and yet we didn't get a chance to dare I say "unpack" the video and be something deeper. I don't want my faith to be shallow or superficial and I don't want our ministry to either.

I keep asking myself what do you do if your faith is stagnant or superficial? What do you do if your church or your ministry is shallow or stuck? Do you quit? Do you find another faith or another church or another ministry? I can't quit. I believe I'm called to seek change before walking away. One of my favorite books is Nehemiah. He was leading the people to rebuild the wall and in chapter 4 they started to face opposition, but they prayed and Nehemiah said “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” (Nehemiah 4:14). They faced more opposition in chapter 6 and Nehemiah said, "They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, 'Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.' But I prayed, 'Now strengthen my hands.'" (Nehemiah 6:9)

Don't get me wrong... there are some things that are not of God and we need to just flee (James 4:7)... to run away as fast as we can and drown ourselves in God.

Tonight I stumbled on a random message board where someone had posted this comment in response to the blog "15 Reasons I Left Church"... "I wonder how often #10 (I left the church because of my own selfishness and pride.) is the real reason people leave and the other fourteen are just ways to cover that up. I've seen it on message boards and thought it myself when my wife and I were looking for a new church when we moved. We have preferences as to types of music, preaching styles, standard attire, formality of the service, what kind of coffee they serve in the lobby, congregation size, appearance of the building, community prestige of the church, and all kinds of other stuff. I wonder how often our desire to be served and entertained are more of a determining factor than the willingness to serve others. That Bonhoeffer quote I mentioned in fragile's thread really hit me: 'The Church is only the Church when it exists for others.' Completely changed my attitude toward the church I am now attending. Instead of complaining about how I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm looking for ways to put my gifts and talents to use for the benefit of others."

This opens a whole new can of worms, but I had to read the blog. Most of the blogger's reasons I've heard before, but I think what really broke my heart were the 842 comments (in two weeks) people have left in response to the blog. People have bantered back and forth arguing for and against and essentially just beating each other up. Christians and non-Christians alike just showing hate... spewing words in cyberspace because it's safe to be unknown and rude. Is this what we have become? The comments themselves could probably be reason number 16.

All this babble to say... what is my response? Do I run? Do I stop reading blogs or going to church or serving in ministry? I can't. I just keep praying... Now strengthen my hands.

curve balls...

Tonight at FCA, Caleb shared about getting out of our comfort zones... we shouldn't be too comfortable. He touched on the curve balls thrown at us and why bad things happen to good people. All points often discussed in the framework of Christianity. And yet we still seem surprised when we see another curve ball.

I have a habit of sharing my problems with friends. I love to unload my drama and get sympathy or encouragement or answers... and then I love to find someone else to tell. I usually have friends that specialize in certain problems. Or I know which friend to pick if I want sympathy or accountability or someone who will kick someone's butt for me. Sometimes it's best to pick a friend who's been through a similar situation or knows the people or events involved. And sometimes it's best to pick someone who knows no one or none of it. When one friend doesn't tell me what I hear, I try another.

And then... occasionally... there are the situations when I feel like no one will understand. No one can or maybe no one knows how to offer sympathy or encouragement let alone answers. Sometimes curve balls send me right to my knees. I spend a lot of time crying out... asking the why's... fighting the anger... the confusion... the hurt... the unknown. I can't always hear God audibly encouraging me or feel him hugging me but I know he's there. Sometimes I'm convinced a curve ball or two comes my way as a reminder to hit my knees... first. I keep looking for the friend who can answer my cries and he's waving wildly trying to get my attention.

I have been comforted by the little things this week. A song... a prayer... a testimony... a verse... a book. No people necessary... just God.

Song of the week... Jesus Friend of Sinners by Casting Crowns

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
...Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours
And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet