christmas greetings...

Merry Christmas! It's hard to believe the holiday has come and gone for yet another year. The commercialization of Christmas has started taking over even before Thanksgiving these days, but sometimes it takes me some time to get in the true Christmas spirit. It always helps once I get home and this year I was able to get in a couple of last minute shopping trips along with some baking bonding with my mom to help out. Sometimes I struggle just grasping the true gravity of it all. It can become a bit of a ritual, another religious thing we do without knowing why we do it. I try to imagine what it was like then... what it means for my life now. I love having an excuse to spend time with family and friends but even without all of the people in my life, the birth of Jesus is what counts. I feel like Christmas is just the foreshadowing of what will come in a few months when we celebrate Easter... With that said, I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas.

My mom bought me Shades of Blue, a Karen Kingsbury book for Christmas. I had to finish the book I was in the middle of last night, but I read Shades of Blue today. I'm a huge fan of Kingsbury's work... a Christian fiction author, her books are easy reading that let me escape into another life that I dream about for myself. I first read her 9/11 books, One Tuesday Morning and Beyond Tuesday Morning, and have read everything else since then. On the surface, Shades of Blue would probably be described as a book about abortion, but it meant so much more to me. The main character had to close one chapter of his life before he could move onto the next and I think when you dig deeper it was really about forgiveness.

I think I've said it before, but I'm an expert at holding grudges. Once you've hurt me, I tend to put up walls to try to protect myself from getting hurt again. I keep trying to learn to let go, but I think it's harder to forgive and to let go when the "offender" doesn't apologize for his/her offense. It's easier to walk away. In today's society, it's easier to send a text message or an e-mail then to deal with issues head on. Easier doesn't always make it better, but I keep finding myself finding your wrong rather than dealing with what I can control and movimg on. In Shades of Blue someone apologized 10 years late. I don't want to be 10 years late for any apologies I owe... and I also don't want to sit around 10 years waiting for an apology. 

Luke 6:35-36 "But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back... Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

transitions... safety...

This would be what I traditionally refer to as a transitional period. The fall semester has ended, Christmas is on its way and I even have a bit of a break between athletic events when I don't have to be at work. I'm not always good at transitions because they usually infer change and I'm definitely still trying to be better at change.

I taught my first college class this semester, but it wasn't really mine... at least not from the beginning. I'm looking forward to setting the tone in a couple of weeks for a class that I can really call my own. I want to be good at this... Sometimes I'm afraid to really go after something I really want because I don't want to fail. If I don't try then it's easier to explain whey I didn't get it. I'm determined to try. I want to work at this... I want to be good at this.

I closed on my house May 2, 2008. For most of the first year I had three other people living with me or at least paying rent. By this past summer I was living by myself and loving the freedom but at least a bit more conscious of safety. I'm not a big fan of people complaining about Fayetteville being unsafe. I like Fayetteville and I've never felt unsafe. There's crime there... I'm not denying that... but there's crime everywhere. I never felt like I was at more risk in my neighborhood than the country club neighborhood. At the same time when a traveling salesman rang my doorbell one day this summer trying to sell APX alarm systems, I took him up on it. I was going to be spending a lot of time traveling over the summer and figured it couldn't hurt. They convinced me to put one of those annoying signs in my yard and gave me all of my equipment free. Five hours later, I had a working alarm system. I googled the company after they left and they have a ton of complaints listed that gave me some concerns, but I haven't head a problem in the six months or so that I have been with them. Most people laughed at my "purchase" and told me it would be cheaper just to put the sign in my yard. Over Thanksgiving a couple of guys that work at school and live a couple of streets over were robbed. They didn't have an alarm and their house was trashed but the cops told them, even with an alarm, the robbers were so quick they couldn't guarantee an alarm would have stopped it. Even so, they installed an alarm system.

Less than a month later and I got a call from a friend/co-worker. She asked what I was doing and then told me my house had been broken into. She had to be kidding. The alarm system had tried to call me but my phone was charging in another room and I missed it so they called her. Her husband had gone to my house to meet the cop since I was home with my family. I had just driven 13 hours through a blizzard to get home... hadn't been home 24 hours and was having nightmares about having to drive back down to a wrecked house. I know they are just material things... it's a house... not my life, but I have never felt so violated. Through a series of phone calls I eventually learned the person or people broke through my side door, but when the alarm went off they ran off. They never made it in the house. The sign in my front yard didn't work... the alarm system I pay for every month did. That's not to say that it always will. I'm not so naive to think an alarm system works miracles... but tonight I'm grateful for APX alarms.  I'm also grateful for my friend and her husband for taking care of things Sunday night. I also have the best cousins in the world... they went over and repaired my door for me all within 24 hours.

This time next week I'll be sleeping in my house by myself with an alarm set praying for safety... and thanking God for another night sleeping in my house.

it's that time of year...

I had every intention of writing a Thanksgiving blog, but before I knew it, Thanksgiving was gone and I feel like I just keep playing catch up. I was so grateful to be able to go home for a couple of days over Thanksgiving. I hadn't been home since late July so it was a much needed visit. Tuesday night my parents took me to dinner and Wednesday my mom and I went Christmas shopping before I had dinner with my older sister and her family. We intended to have sibling movie night, but Kelsie couldn't make the trip and Adam was a no-show. Mindy and I were talking about Kelsie celebrating her first Thanksgiving married and Mindy and her husband were reminiscing about their first one. Evidently my mom was having a miscarriage and my parents dropped me off with Mindy and Jamie while they went to the hospital. I didn't remember hearing this story before and it broke my heart... broke my heart to think of my mom going through a miscarriage... and broke my heart to think that is the memory of Mindy and Jamie's first Thanksgiving as a married couple. There's no telling without the miscarriage, Kelsie may not be here and I'm so grateful for her but I've spent the last couple of weeks mourning my other sibling I never had the chance to meet. 

Since returning to North Carolina, I feel like things have been full speed ahead. Christmas is less than three weeks away. I taught the last class of my first semester teaching and will give my first final exam on Friday. I've been contemplating my future career steps and praying more and more for guidance. I recently spent a weekend in Newport News, Virginia celebrating one of my former college teammate's weddings. It was crazy reminiscing with people who were such an integral part of my life 6-9 years ago. 

I'm still in a place where every day I wake up and fall asleep remembering the same day the year before. I had such a strong support system.. fellowship, accountability.. I made the mistake of thinking it was forever. I'm still trying to adapt to change and be grateful for that period in my life while still looking expectantly at the coming days.

I'm trying to become a more consistent prayer. I was reading Lamentations 3... Jeremiah is talking about the struggles he went through during the destruction of Jerusalem. Lately I'm holding on to 3:21-24...

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"

David Crowder's "All I Can Say" covered at The Ridge Fellowship in Leander, TX:

twloha...

I've been using twitter for awhile now... sometimes more often than others but there are definitely days when I feel like it helps keep me "in the know." When I don't have time to stalk all of my favorite web sites, twitter is updating me on all of the important news not to mention blessing me with the occasional humorous tweet.

Earlier today, the organization To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) tweeted: "Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. To everyone that has lost someone they love, we stand with you today. We join you to remember and to say that their story matters and your story matters. You are not alone today."

I have lost a few people in my life from suicide and I am definitely remembering them today, but I am also thinking about everyone else who has lost someone. TWLOHA founder, Jamie Tworkowski, posted a blog today in honor of National Survivors of Suicide Day with some background about Zeke. Zeke committed suicide in January of 2006 and his girlfriend Nicole actually posted a blog of her own today with her own thoughts.

Sometimes it doesn't seem relevant until it happens to us. Nicole mentions, "Someone once told me that people that complete suicide are selfish - I’m not sure I agree.  Once someone is gone, it is easy to contemplate what they were thinking, and only think about the mess they left you with, and the struggles ahead.  But isn’t that selfish?  I mean this person just took their own life - I can’t imagine how they came to that conclusion, but I can only believe and hope it was not an easy one.  I quickly learned that I was the selfish one......I was so obsessed with why he chose to do this to me, but soon realized that he did this to himself; it was not about me.  That is hard to accept."

Here's to remembering... here's to accepting... here's to today.

steps...

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks and while I'm not sure anyone else noticed... I noticed. While I can sometimes just benefit from a full vent session full of babble, it does seem more effective when I can say something worthwhile.

With that said, I'm not sure if I really had the aha moment to make this worthwhile. I've been going to Snyder Memorial Baptist Church for nearly two years... 22 months to be exact... and every Sunday I go, I arrive by 8:40 am and am usually pulling out of the parking lot by 9:45 on my way to Krispy Kreme. One Sunday months ago someone approached me about going to a Sunday School class, but I had to go to work... and I've been apprehensive about getting involved. When you get involved in a church you have to take the bad with the good. Sometimes what looks awesome from the surface gets a little gritty underneath. I love the worship at Snyder and it's been "safe" to put in my hour or so each week and leave feeling good... but there's no commitment there. I technically still "belong" to the church I grew up in on kent island, maryland... that I haven't been to in at least five years... but I always wonder if I should "join" a church just to move away. Why do I need to belong to a church anyway? I think there is a huge benefit to corporate worship and study groups and accountability... and sometimes I try to claim that I'm getting them from MU campus ministries... but I'm not a student and I don't think I'm plugged in there as much as I might like myself to believe.

All of this to say, that this morning I was targeted for another attempt at Sunday School. I don't even like that name but a woman invited me to a class... and I didn't have work as an excuse and I didn't have anyone to meet at Krispy Kreme so I went. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, but after 22 months of not going... it felt big. Especially when I committed before the worship service even started and had to battle my head for the next hour to convince myself not to go running to my car when it was over. It helped the service was about worry... One of the passages read was Matthew 6. We looked at the New International Version and the Message translation but I love in the Message where it says, "Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds." I prayed that I could be careless in the care of God.

Another verse I kept running into today is Psalms 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Something I could definitely benefit from keeping it in mind...

Today was just one of those days when I was grateful for Proverbs 16:9 - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Thank you for determining my steps. Let my hope be in You alone.

"The Garden" by NeedtoBreathe

Won't you take this cup from me

'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep

If tomorrow means my death

I pray you'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see

But who I am is not just me

So give me strength to die myself

So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be...

For you

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

memories...

A year ago today was a rollercoaster of the good, the bad, the ugly and the risky. A lot was on the line and I made a decision that I believed in and put a lot of trust in people. Now a lot of people laugh it off... it turned out most people don't remember or if they do it seems trivial. It wasn't trivial at the time. I still don't think the potential consequences are trivial... I'm grateful most have forgotten the drama but when we made our final decision I don't think either one of us knew this would be where we are today. Sometimes when I think back it all seems for naught.

In contrast, tonight I'm especially grateful for my family. Last Thursday I posted on facebook that I was thrilled to hang out with family the next day. My brother and sisters were stumped about who I could be hanging out with if it wasn't them. I miss my parents and my siblings more than you could imagine, but I was talking about my aunt and cousins.

One of my cousins lives here in Fayetteville along with her husband and two of the most adorable kids ever. I don't see them nearly enough but Robin and I have made an increased effort over the past few months to get together. When I was 12 I recognized Robin as my inspiration and I've always looked up to her... it's crazy to be living in the same city now. Her mom, my aunt is another huge inspiration to me. She was a big support to me during college and hooded me at graduation. My other cousin Allie was also in town with her daughters and all of us women wrangled the four kids and tackled a fair over at Ft. Bragg last Friday. The kids had me nearly sick on the spinning rides but I absolutely loved spending time with them and having them pick me to ride the rides with them. After a long week of work it was such a relief to unwind with family. Sunday is Robin's birthday and she invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. I need it... I've come to rely on some pick-me-ups during the week to get me going and I'm so grateful for time with people who love me unconditionally. When all else fails I have to believe family will always be there for me.

Sixteen days until our last football game... 17 days until the first basketball game... 26 days until I can go home for Thanksgiving... 51 days until I can go home for Christmas... but who's counting? :)

promises...

I had a feeling there wasn't room in my life for both of you, but I don't think I could have ever been prepared to lose both of you. And by "lose" I don't mean through death. I don't want to take anything away from losing someone through death... I've gone through enough of that to know it's absolutely devastating... Aunt Donna, Mommom Wolf, Poppop Wolf, Uncle Rodney, Mrs. Diane, Mommom Britt, Uncle Buck, Dr. J., Aunt Elsie, Mrs. Quimby, Darlene and so many more... never forgotten. Sometimes it can feel just as difficult to lose someone when they're still alive because they're still here... you can see them or hear them but just can't reach them.

Things have changed so quickly and I'm not sure how much control I have over them. I was determined to not give up but I also don't want to be taken advantage of through my patience. Regardless, I would do anything to rewind to when you confided in me... when you laughed with me... when you hung out with me... when you cared about me. It looks selfish when I type it... so much "me." I don't want it to be all about me but I miss you.

timeout...

I have a release to write for work but our work e-mail is down and I can't access the information I need to write the release.  Instead why not babble through a blog??

I had a bad dream last night... or maybe it was a series of dreams. Either way things I have been stressing out about in real life played out in my dreams just as I hoped they wouldn't. I don't know what that means. I've never really studied much into dreams or what they mean. Some people say if you dream it, it won't happen. After last night I think I want to hold on to that one for awhile.

I went to church by myself on Sunday. Sometimes I think it's good for me to go by myself in hopes I can focus better... however krispy kreme is just not the same when you go solo. After Dr. Crocker's sweet message last week I was being a bit critical towards the pastor, John Cook. He throws so much information and scripture at you sometimes I have trouble keeping up... but he spoke from Malachi 2-3 and I happen to love 3:7 where God says "Return to me, and I will return to you." Sometimes I get to sidetracked and going in my own direction... but every day I need to return to Him.

Rev. Cook also told a story by Dr. Joe Harding called I Love You Anyway. It wraps up the story with "we can be rejected by almost anyone if we're loved by one." During the rough days, I can hold onto that.

Things that make me smile lately... the jamie kennedy experiment... bojangles... xangos... cookie dough... david crowder's cd church music... needtobreathe's cd the outsiders... house guests... MU winning... an unexpected text from a friend who hasn't bailed... dinner with friends and/or their families... home in six weeks.

sunday...

I've had a long four days. Last week was a bit of a tease without any homes games. It all came back to bite me when we had four volleyball matches, two soccer games, and a tennis tournament along with baseball and softball's fall playdate on Saturday. I'm looking for positives in situations and the postive thing about Saturday was that football was away. Essentially I worked 14 hours Friday preparing for the weekend... worked 16 hours Saturday drowning in everything... worked eight hours Sunday and drove three hours to Charlotte... attended a seven hour conference Monday and drove three hours back to Fayetteville. It's been a bit much with not much sleep thrown in between.

After working all day Saturday and not getting home until 1 am I had a decision to make for my Sunday. I've been attending Snyder's 8:40 am church service which is awesome to get to go before I have to worry about work but that means I have to get up at 7. Getting up for church meant another long day and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't fall asleep driving to Charlotte at whatever hour I got to leave. On the other hand, by going to church I could escape and rest for at least the morning.

When my alarm went off Sunday morning I struggled. My body did not necessarily agree with my decision, but thankfully I got up and picked up Kristen and Rachel. I think we were all half asleep during the short drive but when we got there we realized it was Snyder's 60th anniversary. Worship was particularly good. Dr. David Crocker spoke as a former pastor of the church from 1994-2002. It was just what I needed to hear. We had just been talking on the way to church about the mission of Christian organizations/churches and not being ashamed of what we believe in and then Dr. Crocker really drove it home. He finished with the lifesaving station story. I really think he did it better than any youtube video I could find or written version but so you can get the jist of it...

On a dangerous seacoast where shipwrecks often occur there was once a crude little lifesaving station. The building was just a hut, and there was only one boat, but the few devoted members kept a constant
watch over the sea, and with no thought for themselves, they went out day or night tirelessly searching for the lost.

Many lives were saved by this wonderful little station, so that it became famous. Some of those who were saved, and various others in the surrounding areas, wanted to become associated with the station
and give of their time and money and effort for the support of its work. New boats were bought and new crews were trained. The little lifesaving station grew.

Some of the new members of the lifesaving station were unhappy that the building was so crude and so poorly equipped. They felt that a more comfortable place should be provided as the first refuge of those saved from the sea.

They replaced the emergency cots with beds and put better furniture in an enlarged building. Now the lifesaving station became a popular gathering place for its members, and they redecorated it beautifully
and furnished it as a sort of club.

Less of the members were now interested in going to sea onlifesaving missions, so they hired life boat crews to do this work.

The mission of lifesaving was still given lip-service but most were too busy or lacked the necessary commitment to take part in the lifesaving activities personally.

About this time a large ship was wrecked off the coast, and the hired crews brought in boat loads of cold, wet and half-drowned people.

They were dirty and sick, some had skin of a different color, some spoke a strange language, and the beautiful new club was considerably messed up. So the property committee immediately had a shower house built outside the club where victims of shipwreck could be cleaned up before coming inside.

At the next meeting, there was a split in the club membership. Most of the members wanted to stop the club's lifesaving activities as being unpleasant and a hindrance to the normal pattern of the club.

But some members insisted that lifesaving was their primary purpose and pointed out that they were still called a lifesaving station. But they were finally voted down and told that if they wanted to save the life of all various kinds of people who were shipwrecked in those waters, they could begin their own lifesaving station down the
coast. They did.

As the years went by, the new station experienced the same changes that had occurred in the old. They evolved into a club and yet another lifesaving station was founded.

If you visit the seacoast today you will find a number of exclusive clubs along that shore. Shipwrecks are still frequent in those waters, but now most of the people drown.

We sang Mighty to Save and I could not stop crying. I'm a sucker for a good message or a good song but I was beginning to feel silly. I just felt such a sense of rest... a sense that everything was ok even when outside that building I knew it wasn't ok in the sense that we think of things. They closed the service with a parade of signs representing all of the countries the church had traveled to and done work. We sang God of this City and I was moved again just thinking about how much God must have used this church over the last 40 years.

After church we went to Krispy Kreme for our informal debriefing. Before we knew it we had been there for nearly two hours. I'm so thankful for encouraging Christian conversation in the middle of chaos. I knew I needed to get up Sunday.

embracing change...

I'm not very good at change. I'm not sure I know many people who are. This semester has been full of change and I'm trying to become better at embracing it. Last week was full of ups and downs. It felt like one bad thing would happen and thankfully God came through with something positive. 

Most notably... I'm teaching a class. When I was a kid all I wanted was to be a teacher like my mom. As I got older I really liked math but I just couldn't picture myself teaching and after not settling on something else I wanted to do with a math a degree, I switched to sport management. Since working at Methodist for the past few years I occasionally daydream about the lives of professors who seem to have more free time than I do. I know there are some who still put in ridiculous hours and others who are doing ridiculous research to move up in their field... but I guess I've become jealous of their ability to set their own schedule. I keep thinking about this whole teaching thing but I never knew if I would be any good at it or if I would really like it. I don't want to do it just because I'm lazy. Some unfortunate circumstances opened up a fortunate opportunity for me and I'm excited about it. Today was the first day... hopefully they all come back Wednesday. I guess the cool thing about teaching is if they don't show up, I have control over the outcome!
The next month is crazy busy with fall sports playing the final half of their season and basketball gearing up in a couple of weeks. I keep praying about balancing this life and trying to figure out where I'm headed. 

I've been talking about the new needtobreathe cd but I heard the "Garden" on the way home from volleyball tonight. It makes me think about Jesus and his last night in the garden asking God to change the plan... to not let him have to go through the next phase... before eventually just completely and totally surrendering. I'm making that my prayer tonight... let my heart be after you.

Won't you take this cup from me?
because fear has stolen all my sleep.

If tomorrow means my death
pray you'll save their souls with it.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

In this hour of doubt I see
who I am is not just me
so give me strength to die myself
so love can live to tell the tale.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

Father let my heart be for you
For you
For you
For you

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.

proud...

"I'm proud of you."

Four little words that mean so much. I just finished watching tonight's "one tree hill" and Julian "needed" his dad to tell him he was proud of him. It's crazy how much we just want to make people proud of us... particularly our parents. People crave it as children, but then seem to forget once they become parents how valuable the little phrase can be. Sometimes we just assume people know we're proud. Sometimes we wrap it up into achievements... whether it is academic or athletic or social... we're proud of you for good grades or proud of you for winning or proud of you for being successful. It becomes attached to circumstances. But are you proud of me for me being me? We get caught up in seeking approval from others. We want to be accepted. We want to hear, "I'm proud of you."

winning deoderant

My job forces me to become engrossed in sports. I've always loved sports so this isn't necessarily a problem. However, I have a few teams that I support more than others and my job sometimes prevents me from following them as much as I would like. The US Women's National soccer team and the Tennessee women's basketball teams are probably my favorite. At different points in my life I could probably recite both rosters with number, hometown, height, etc. My old roommate Stacy used to call me and quiz me on player birthdays. Not stalking... just dedicated! You could almost name a league and I'd have a team. I'm more committed to some than others, but I love watching games live.

For the past three years I've watched more Methodist athletic events than any other team. People come and go... many who are looking for a place to vent. I even acquired a couch for the office last year so I feel even more therapeutic! After one of our teams who had been really successful for the last few years had a losing season last year, my athletic director and I were talking about some of the inner team problems they were having. He mentioned that he always said "winning is a deoderant." When teams start losing, things start to stink. Most teams have some kind of drama... stereotypically women are famous for it, but I think he's right. Drama on winning teams seems to get swept under the rug. Players and coaches are able to let it go or write it off as long as the team is doing well. On the other hand a team facing losses on the field/court/track/etc. is attacking any and every problem in an attempt to fix the culprit leading to their struggles. 

I'm not sure this is anything worth fixing. Do you dig up the dirt when a team is winning at the risk of messing up the success or do you let the drama go when you're losing in an effort to just ride it out? I have such an interest in sport sociology and why and how teams and/or groups of people react to sport within the context of our culture.

Either way, winning helps me in my profession. I'd much rather write about wins than losses. Not to mention, everyone is happier in my office!

the path...

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. School is in full swing so of course my work schedule has picked up quite a bit. Games started Sept. 1 which makes my schedule pick up even more. I'm trying to balance my personal life with my work life and still put God first before all of it. I'm not always very good at that. I find myself battling between my head and my heart, between what I know to be true and what the world tells us, between who I am or who you want me to be.

I've told you before, but I've enjoyed listening to Benji Kelley from New Hope Church in Durham. I subscribe to their podcasts and love a good message from him. His latest series Proverbs and Pathways had been collecting on my ipod without a long trip to listen to them but after a reminder last night I took an hour to listen today to the first one and was not disappointed.

If you get a chance, you can watch the sermon or read Benji's blog or subscribe to all of New Hope sermons.

The last 15 minutes are what really hit home for me from Proverbs and Pathways part 1. I had to listen to it again just to let it sink in and evaluate how I can best apply it to my own life... In case you don't have to time to catch the whole thing I'm a nerd and typed it out...

My prayer is in the very beginning is that you’d let this principle, that Solomon is using to teach us about this couple, that you’d let the principle bubble up from scripture and just start piercing your mind, your heart and your soul and that’d you muster from all of this the courage to get on the right path and whatever area of your life whereby you’re not experiencing the destination you had once hoped for and dreamed for and longed for. Here are a few examples:

I want to end up with a great Christian guy, a great godly man that will bless our family and lead our family in the way of the Lord so I’m going to date any guy that comes along as long as he’s cute.

It’s a path, not just a date. It’s a path.

I want a family that is so family-centered. I want a family that is loving and warm. I want a family that values vacation time. I want a family that values family time so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to work 18-20 hours a day and travel all the time.

See the disconnect. See the chasm.

I want my kids to respect me. I kind of want to be a statesman one day. I want my kids to come back home and value my input and my insight and I want to bounce the grandkids on my lap one day. I just want to be respected by my kids so I’m going to fool around on their mother.

I want to grow old and invest in my grandchildren. I want to live a long life because I want to see my grandchildren and love them and have good retirement years. And bless them. I want to live a long life with my grandchildren so I’m going to neglect my health.

I want to be thin. I want to be attractive. I want to look good so supersize that for me.

It’s a path.

I want to be a man of God. I want to be a woman of God. I want to be a man and woman after God’s own heart. I want to be wise and I want to grow. I want to be a man and woman of the word so here’s what I’m going to do I’m going to get up every morning and spend countless hours on facebook because I’m so nosey I want to know what everybody else is doing. I want to be a man of the word so I’m just going to get up and twitter and blog and totally neglect the word. I believe in those things I believe in using technology but the moment I put technology and all that stuff above the study of God’s word and prayer time, is the moment I have just decided I’m going to get on a path and that path is destruction.

I want to have a great sex life. I want “Notebook” kind of sex, I want passionate, intimate sex. So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to practice with everyone along the way until I get married. I don’t know of one mature believer who I respect, I don’t know of one mature believer who’s walked with the Lord for any amount of time, whose grown in the Lord and could look you or me in the eye and tell you the way to have great sex when you get married is to practice along the way. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. You say no it’s just an event you wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it. No, it’s a path, it’s a principle that is in direct opposition to the word of the Lord and the moment you start to break God’s principles you break yourself on them in the process.

I want to have a great relationship with my husband. I want to feel loved by him and I want to love him back I just want us to be so tight and so joined. I want a great relationship with my husband, so here’s what I’m going to do I’m going to prioritize my children over my husband.

It’s a path.

I want to be financially secure. I want to live in a great house and I want to provide educational means for my children. I want to drive nice cars and I want to do this and that, in fact I want to save and have enough money in retirement years to live the final years of my life in a very nice way. I want those blessings so here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to go more and more in debt and live way beyond my means.

The path determines the destination.

Not your tears, not your dreams not your hopes not your prayers.

The path determines the destination.

When you get where you’re going, where will you be?

Where will your path lead?

You came here today already on paths. You’re already on a path. You’re on a path financially, relationally, in your marriage.

My hope and my prayer is that we’ll be honest with the subject matter and get off the paths that will end so painfully and get on the paths that will honor God and be the greatest life you could ever imagine.

friendship...

At FCA on Tuesday, our Vice President of Church and Community Relations, Mike Safley, spoke about friendship. He had a list of characteristics for friendship including honest, open, trust, etc. He wrapped it up with advice that you need to be a friend to have a friend. I'd like to believe it's always so simple. I always thought being a friend was something I could do. Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed to make some awesome friends in my life. I've also been blessed to keep some amazing friends in my life. I just wish I could keep more longer.

“Sewer Walking”

You and me,we used to talk
Like a river underground, the sewer
where we used to walk.
The hole at the end empties out to the pier
Where paperboats disappear.

Me, I try to send this note,
Float it like a paper boat,
But paper sinks and words are weak.
I try but I don’t speak.

Join together in the silent snow;
Turn our faces up to see
Not endless night but day,
A pier,
And you and me,talking…

-- from Joan of Arcadia episode “Anonymous”

new music tuesday...

New music usually comes out on Tuesdays. Today is no different. I've been anxiously anticipating needtobreathe's new cd The Outsiders. I heard "Lay 'Em Down" months ago and loved it immediately. I downloaded the cd tonight and can't wait to blast it tomorrow at work.

I'm still waiting on Crowder's new cd Church Music, but his single "How He Loves" is amazing. Originally written by John Mark McMillan you can hear the story from the youtube video. The David Crowder Band redid the song and I can't wait to get their new cd on what my newest brother-in-law kindly reminded me comes out on his birthday. :)

Jimmy Needham was tweeting about an interview he did for his new song "Forgiven and Loved." I don't think I'd really heard the song but I love his story behind the song.

"... Tell me I’m forgiven and loved Cause I hear it from the street corner priests On how God is love and how man can be clean But my joy has been on holiday And my peace has almost passed away Tell me I’m forgiven and free..."

In some not so new music we jammed out to some Jars of Clay's "Worlds Apart" tonight at FCA and it honestly gets me every time.

"...take my world apart... I am on my knees... take my world apart... broken on my knees"

p.s. I've blogged many times about losing people in my life. Sometimes people die and we become distraught over their loss. It always seems like no one understands and couldn't possibly be able to feel what we feel. I'm sure there's some truth to that but I'm also learning even if you've only met someone once, the impact they had on others can still bring a deep sense of loss when they pass. Death is never easy. Being the one left behind is never easy.

30 hour famine...

When I was growing up some of my friends went to churches that did a "30 Hour Famine." I thought they were crazy. They starved themselves to raise money for hungry people around the world. I'm a lover of food and wasn't really sure I was cut out to participate. Giving up food for five hours can be a stretch for me, let alone 30. I think I went awhile without food when I had my wisdom teeth out, but you're drugged up and I physically could not eat so it's different than making a decision not to eat. I also don't like to be told I can't do things and it started to motivate me to wonder if I was strong enough to make it. Of course this was more than 10 years ago but in the back of my mind I've always wondered.

Yesterday around 1:30 pm I ate a late lunch (some quality PB&J) and inadvertently started my 30 hour famine. When I really think about it, at first I think it was out of stress and maybe a little pity. Work has been kicking my butt and after a late lunch I wasn't exactly starving for dinner. I also ate the same thing for dinner Sunday and Monday night and more leftovers weren't exactly tempting me. The evening passed and I started wondering how long I could go.

World Vision sponsors the "30 Hour Famine" events and while I've given to them in the past I'm not a current donor. I do think there are so many people less fortunate than we are and not eating made me take a look at the blessings in my life. Thankfully I had work to distract me today but I finished off my own 30 Hour Famine this evening. I didn't really fundraise or do any community service projects but I experienced hunger and I hope I can take the lessons I learned as I continue to grow as a person.

²⁰Jesus looked at his disciples and said: God will bless you people who are poor. His kingdom belongs to you! ²¹God will bless you hungry people. You will have plenty to eat! God will bless you people who are crying. You will laugh! ²²God will bless you when others hate you and won't have anything to do with you. God will bless you when people insult you and say cruel things about you, all because you are a follower of the Son of Man. ²³Long ago your own people did these same things to the prophets. So when this happens to you, be happy and jump for joy! You will have a great reward in heaven. Luke 6:20-23

new start...

I'm grateful for new starts. Sometimes we have a new start that only happens once. Sometimes we have a new start every year with just a new year's resolution. Sometimes we have a new start that comes every couple months with a fresh perspective. And sometimes we have a new start every day. I try not to let a bad day become a bad week. I can start over now.

Yesterday was perhaps not all I was hoping it would be. I went to sleep with a lot on my mind praying today would bring a new start. I woke up and went to church... I didn't have anyone to sit with but I think sometimes that's just what I need to eliminate distractions. We sang a couple of great songs to start and then they showed the Lifehouse "Everything" skit. It is one of my favorites and gets to me every time. When they start singing "You're all I want, You're all I need" I always get goosebumps praying God would hold off the junk in my life and make Him my everything. After the video we sang "We are Hungry," one I didn't remember doing before but thought it really fit into the theme of the morning.

I've been working a ton this week with the new school year beginning and the football media guide due tomorrow. Every year it's the same and I know it's coming, but I'm not always good at balancing it all. I will be thoroughly relieved to send it off tomorrow and catch up on some other things I've neglected lately. Today I opted to work from home other than a brief photo shoot at school so I was watching one of my favorite tv show's "One Tree Hill." Thoroughly documented through my blog I'm a sucker for the drama but even more of a sucker for what I find are the thought provoking voiceovers and literary quotes. They were showing a couple of reruns on the Soap net and there was one of my faves, episode 413 Pictures of You (no I didn't memorize them all I googled it :).

They're given a class assignment to get to know their partner through the five steps and then take a picture of each other for the yearbook.

1. Share something personal with your partner.
2. Lighten up. Do an impression of a celebrity or a famous character.
3. Admit something that worries you, or something you are afraid of.
4. What do you want to be in ten years?
5. Tell your partner some secret.

Brooke is the party-girl sometimes slut of the high school and she's paired up with a new kid Chase, a "clean teen" (virgin club). Brooke liked Chase but lied to him about who she is and her past. Part of their conversation...

Brooke: I was worried I wouldn't be enough for you. That's why I lied. That's what I'm afraid of. Not being enough, not... good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not...
Chase: Brooke, your the student council president, captain of the cheerleaders and probably one of the most popular girls in school. How is that not good enough?

At first glance, it doesn't make sense. Brooke is what many girls dream of.. to be class president, cheerleader, popular... but even that wasn't enough. I think sometimes we're all looking for something else, wondering if we're enough. Or at least Brooke and I are. Eventually Chase begins to trust Brooke again (all within a single class period... the assignment creates fast foward forgiveness :) and their conversation continues...

Chase: Still think you're not good enough?
Brooke: I don't think that ever goes away. But I think you just have to learn to deal with it, you know? Learn to use it.
Chase: So let's use it, then.

I think we'd all be a lot better off if we could learn to deal with our insecurities or our weaknesses and use them for something positive. Some days are better than others. But then, that's why I get a new start.

Christ follower...

Yesterday I was driving to Raleigh to visit with some friends from Camp Wo-Me-To. I could dedicate an entire blog to Wo-Me-To... now that I think of it, I would be surprised if I haven't already. Long story short... (well as short as I can make it :) I grew up at Camp Wo-Me-To spending a week there every summer since 1991. I met some of my closest friends as a camper and then in 1997 I was finally able to work there as a counselor-in-training before serving as a counselor from 1998-2000. In 1995 I made a decision to follow Christ at Wo-Me-To... I technically became a Christian and was baptized in 1992 but I think I really began to grasp the concept in 1995. In 1996 I met my best friend Laura and the Riley family has embraced me and treated me as their own over the past 13 years. In 1997, I led my first person to Christ... I think I cried just as much as she did. :) I continued to grow and go through ups and downs through camp but it was nothing less than an amazing experience... every single year.

I met Cara in 1997 when she came to camp as an Acteen (girls entering grades 7-12) and I was a counselor-in-training for her cabin. She came back in 1998 as a counselor and we became fast friends. Jen and I were both new staff members in 1997 and worked together every year through 2000. After seeing Cara at my little sister's wedding in June we talked about getting together with Jen since the three of us all live in N.C. now. Jen facebooked us not long after and plans were in the works. Back to the drive... I was listening to a sermon from New Hope Church in Durham and they're going through a One Prayer series where some different pastors have had a chance to speak. Steve Ellis spoke July 26 and I was listening to his message on "God is More." He asked the question, "Am I follower of Christ or just a user?" It just struck me. So many times we get into a routine of just asking for things or taking advantage of God's omniscience. I really want to be a Christ follower and not just a user.

Another message I was listening to earlier this week while traveling was about how to deal with it when we pray and God says "no." Many times we get frustrated and don't understand why He wouldn't give us what we want (or what we may even think we need). The pastor referenced Paul's request to take away the thorn in his flesh (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). It seems like a perfectly legitimate request... scholars have debated what the thorn was... some say an eye disease or something wrong with his eyes. Paul was a great guy too... he had done a lot to spread the news about Christ, why wouldn't God want to help him? The pastor said that too often when God says yes, we run off taking credit for the answered prayer and become independent of Him. Sometimes by saying no, God is saying, "depend on me." He can do it... sometimes not in the way we expected or in the time we desired, but He can see the big picture.

I'm reading Nehemiah right now. It was one of my favorite books during the summer of 1999 while I was working at Camp Wo-Me-To and I wanted to re-read it. Nehemiah 9:26-31 talks about the Israelites quest to get out of slavery and Nehemiah talks about how the people took advantage of God's graciousness. Verses 27 and 28 say, "So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies. But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight. Then you abandoned them to the hand of their enemies so that they ruled over them. And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven, and in your compassion you delivered them time after time"

We keep screwing up and God keeps saving us. I am grateful.

three years ago...

Three years ago today I started working for Methodist College... now University. My entire 2006 was a bit crazy and full of changes and it's weird to think back to how far I've come since then. In January 2006, my friends Kim and Justin started trying to talk me into working these summer camps in NC and NM during the end of June and most of July. I knew I'd have to quit my accounting job in Maryland to do it so I wasn't sure I was ready to for that risk. I wasn't thrilled with the job and I wasn't resigned to living with my parents for the rest of my life, but if I quit, what was I going to do when the camps were over? I had already left my job and came back once for grad school, I didn't think they'd let me do it again. I prayed about it and decided it was a risk I needed to take. In March the Methodist Sports Information Director left and during a trip to visit Kelsie my old "boss" Coach Jarman asked me if I would be interested. Of course I was interested, but I didn't have any experience and I was already committed to the camps through July. I knew if it was going to work out, it would have to be a God thing.

Long story short, I got an interview (a six-hour interview) and accepted the job and started to make plans to move back to Fayetteville. I had to coordinate a lot of plans between camp and moving all to start Aug. 1 (a month later than what Methodist wanted). Turns out my first day on the job was scheduled to be the USA South Athletic Conference Football Media Day. I actually ended up cramming a season preview and 10-page packet about the team July 31st and then left my apartment at 4 am on the 1st to drive to Williamsburg, Va. for my first official day on the job. I walked into a room of other SIDs and football coaches and I suppose it may have been the whole deer in headlights thing I had going on, but everyone knew I was the rookie. During the SID meeting before the media day started they asked my opinion on stuff and I had to admit I had no idea what they were talking about. Supposedly there was a big debate on how to list player information on rosters... who knew? I've learned so much in the past three years. I'm not sure I can make this business a lifelong career but I'm grateful for all of the people I've met and the opportunities I've had. On Monday we have another football media day. Thankfully I'm not a rookie anymore.

summer travels...

I don't have many opportunities to take time off during the school year so I try to take advantage of a flexible schedule during the summer. I've had a few good trips already but made plans to make a trip to visit my friends in Mississippi this weekend. I drove 10 hours on Thursday from Fayetteville to Meridian and had some quality time with the Busby's. On the way I drove through Alabama... my first experience in the state... and my 26th state visited.

After a sweet breakfast at the Clarkdale Diner I drove seven hours to Johnson City, Tennessee to visit my little sister and my new brother-in-law. I could only stay for a night but it was great to see the newlyweds and their new place.

Kelsie and I visited a church in the area where the pastor spoke from Ezra 7. He spoke a lot on the value of reading the bible referencing the Back to the Bible organization's research. They found people who read the bible 0-1 times per week had no significant change in their life. Those reading 2-3 times per week had some change while people who read the bible 4 or more times per week have significant change in their life. The most memorable portion of the sermon was Dr. Land's discussion on families. He told a story from 20 years ago when he and his wife were preparing to speak at a marriage conference. He was studying a passage on how a husband should love his wife and felt God asking him, "Are you the kind of husband you would want your daughter to marry?" He realized he had always compared himself to his dad or other men in his life but when he really thought about the man he would want his daughter to marry, he had some work to do. He went and apologized to his wife and always tried to remember the message. He took it further and asked the wives, "Are you the kind of wife you would want your son to marry?" He mentioned that every day you're creating the job description that your children will look to fill. If you are disrespectful to your spouse, you're inadvertently showing your children the disrespect they should take from their spouse.

After a brunch with Kelsie this morning I drove another seven hours back to my parents' house in Maryland. My mom made my favorite dinner (we're not sure what the official name is but we call it sausage stuff :) and somehow I've managed to stay awake. I'm excited tomorrow to catch up with some high school friends and hopefully see some of the Inter-Rail crew on Tuesday before driving back to work on Wednesday. Students begin to arrive in less than a week... time to cram but hopefully I can rest up first!

birthdays

I've always had this thing for birthdays. I'm not sure when it started but I know I was thrilled to spend nearly every birthday from 9-18 at a camp of some kind. There were tons of people celebrating with me. Having a summer birthday not everyone remembers my birthday. It's hard when you don't see someone to always remember. I'm sure I've forgotten my fair share of birthdays myself. Of course now we have facebook to remind us. Two years ago I took my birthday off facebook just to see who remembered. It didn't go well. I've caved to the system and I appreciate the multitude of people who left me well wishes this year.

On Tuesday a couple of my friends and I drove to Alexandria, Va. We checked into our hotel and realized it actually had a pretty sweet view. We found the metro station and walked into Olde Towne in Alexandria to get dinner. We ate at King Street Blues and had amazing ribs before heading to nearby Light Horse. They were supposed to have a singer but Shane somebody never showed up so we entertained ourselves. We eventually headed back to the hotel and toasted my birthday at 1:03 am with some fine H2O.

We spent Wednesday in DC at at WNBA game between the Washington Mystics and the San Antonio Silver Stars. I was one of three fans in the crowd routing for the Silver Stars since my favorite player Shanna (Zolman) Crossley is on the team. She missed the trip with an injury but the Stars pulled out the one point victory.

We had an exciting trip home belting out some tunes to make the time go by. I made it home in time to get ready for Dan to arrive. Dan and I met some friends from work Thursday night for more birthday celebration and then my parents arrived Friday to continue the birthday fun. I've been itching for the blackberry storm since it came out... waiting for them to get the glitches out and waiting for my account to afford it. Thankfully my parents bought it for my birthday but I'm still attempting to learn to use it!

Regardless, it was one of the best birthday weeks I've had in a long time. It was nice to be surrounded by people again. I'm thoroughly grateful.

This morning in church Rev. John Cook talked about evangelism. He quoted D.T. Niles who said, "Evangelism is just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread." He told a story from his time at his first church. Everyone wanted him to talk to this girl and lead her to Christ. He figured people had talked to her before but he went and gave her his speel but she turned down his offer to receive Christ. He went on to pray with her and when he finished she had tears coming down her face. She said, "You're the first person who cared enough to come." Do we care enough to come?

This afternoon I watched USA Softball storm through Australia to reach the World Cup championship. Jennie Finch pitched a shutout victory. It was good to watch some games especially since right now softball won't be in the Olympics anymore. One of ESPN's commentators, Michele Smith was promoting the committee working to bring softball back to the Olympics. Check out www.backsoftball.com to show your support.

After softball came the US Women's National Team soccer game against Canada. I've been a huge fan of the USWNT since 1995. I've bordered obsessive at times but it's hard to keep up with them now with my job. Today Abby Wambach was going for her 100th international goal in her hometown of Rochester, N.Y. I can't imagine the pressure. She broke her leg a little more than a year ago missing the Olympics. Now back where all of her friends and family are she's trying to score a historic goal. Beth Mowins reminded the audience numerous times she averages a goal every 97 minutes but things were looking tough early. Abby was trying to get free but it wasn't until the 78th minute when Lauren Cheney (the player who took Abby's place on the Olympic roster) fed Abby and she slipped one to the far post side netting for the goal. ESPN showed Abby celebrate with her teammates and coach and of course panned up to show her parents who were celebrating just as much. It has to be a cool feeling to score 100 international goals... but I think it has to be an even better feeling to score 100 international goals with your parents enjoying it just as much.

Just a thought or two to ponder on fine sunday... I leave you with the historic toast marking the 27th anniversary of my birth :)

worship

The message at church this morning was centered around worship. The new pastor at Snyder talked mentioned a book called Worship Evangelism by Sally Morgenthaler. He read the first paragraph that says, "Worship has always been a controversial subject within the church. Historically, whole movements and denominations have been birthed over what did or did not happen on Sunday mornings. The way we worship is often as much a part of our Christian identity as whom we worship - sometimes even more so. Consequently, worship arouses intense personal feelings, and we tend to get defensive about it. I write this book well aware of the risks. Yet I also write with the deep conviction that it is time for the American evangelical church to face the truth: We are not producing worshipers in this country. Rather, we are producing a generation of spectators, religious onlookers lacking, in many cases, any memory of a true encounter with God, deprived of both the tangible sense of God's presence and the supernatural relationship their inmost spirits crave. A sickening emptiness pervades much of the born-again experience of the 90s, and the hollow rituals played out week after week in so many of our worship centers attest to it."

Morganthaler sparked quite a movement in the late 90s and early 2000s with her book. She spoke at numerous conferences helping churches to transform their worship services to reach the "unchurched." I haven't read her entire book but I agree with her opening. Of course in 2007, Morganthaler published an article in which she "rethinks her own paradigm." Unfortunately she found so many churches took this worship evangelism and were so centered on the inside, they were missing the mark in trying to reach the outside.

"Between 1995 and 2000 I'd traveled to a host of worship-driven churches, some that openly advertised that they were 'a church for the unchurched.' On the good occasions, the worship experience was transporting. (I dug a little deeper when that happened. Invariably, I found another value at work behind the worship production: a strong, consistent presence in the community.) Too many times, I came away with an unnamed, uneasy feeling. Something was not quite right. The worship felt disconnected from real life... Then there were the services when the pathology my friend talked about came right over the platform and hit me in the face. It was unabashed self-absorption, a worship culture that screamed, 'It's all about us' so loudly that I wondered how any visitor could stand to endure the rest of the hour."

Morganthaler truly began to question where worship was headed. She found, "those churches whose emphasis was dual - celebrated worship inside, lived worship outside - were the minority." Sometimes it can be hard to discern the motives of each worship team. We have found some success in all the bells and whistles like colored spotlights and fancy video production but I think it's all for naught if you're focus is not on God and bringing people closer to Him.

Rev. Cook reminded us today at Snyder it says every week in our bulletin/program, "God is our audience and you are the choir! Clap, dance, sing, pray, shout, be silent, bend your knee, listen - Let us bow before the Lord, our Maker, give all that we are and worship Him!" (Yes it does say dance in a baptist church :) I believe we are called to worship together in corporate worship but sometimes it comes with so many distractions. One of my favorite videos on worship is:

What's Your Focus in Worship? from Baked Pickles on Vimeo.

I want to worship for the audience of One.

he's just not that into you...

It's a Friday night with not a lot going on so I opted for a trip to Blockbuster. If you didn't know, I'm a sucker for the 3 for $20 or 4 for $20 previously viewed deals. I had to pick up "He's Just Not That Into You" after watching it earlier on my iPod.

One of my favorite scenes is the little bit from the not so psychotic girl...

"Ok, i have a question. Why did they invent call ID? Its like, who is this service helping? i mean for centuries... ok, well maybe not centuries, but for like... a lot and a lot of years, people have been answering their phone, and not knowing who it is, and uh, as far as i can tell, no ones died form that. and its like, if the police wanna know who placed a call, uhh, they could trace it. i mean what am i the police?! this constant obsession with needing to know whos calling all the time, its like, so gross! lke, you pick up the phone, you-you find out who it is, then you know. its like... look, all im saying... if a guy doesn't call me, i would like to reserve the right to call him at 15 minute intervals until he picks up... but, you know if he looks down and sees my number, hes gonna think im some kinda psycho or something... which im not. Obviously!"

Another fave from Drew Barrymore...

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Sometimes it's disheartening to watch chick flicks alone but occasionally they bring this weird sense of hope of what could be... in this case what could be without the psycho chick and her caller id or the rejected portals.

summer update

I think myspace is losing more and more users every day. People were already flocking to facebook and now twitter is trying to catch on too. There are some of us that are still trying to balance myspace, facebook and twitter but I just don't think you can do all three well. I'm trying to hang on to myspace merely for the blog but at this point I think I'd have the same readership if I just "blogged" in my journal.

This summer has had its ups and downs. The downs really had me down and lately my tactic is just to pretend the downs don't exist. I'm not very good at it. During the school year I run around like crazy with this ridiculous schedule and summer comes around and I have all this free time... free time to think too much.

Thankfully, my sister got married a little more than a week ago and I was able to escape Fayetteville and surround myself with my family and friends. As the weekend went on I think it just kept getting better. The rehearsal dinner was good, everyone cried through the wedding and then we let it all go during the reception. Now my little sister is married... still a little crazy to think about but I'm soo happy for both Kelsie and Barton. I got little sleep while I was in Maryland... spent my first father's day with my dad in a few years and then had to make my way back to Fayetteville.

Summer becomes a balance. My personality typically likes to always be doing something but then I crave time to relax whether it be by myself or with a close friend or two. I'm trying to balance the free time I'm blessed with during summer with a social life. Many of my friends don't live in Fayetteville... most don't even live in NC... I'm grateful for visitors and thrilled about the chance for vacations like Riley Fest with my second family at the Outer Banks this week. There's a part of me that feels like I just got back and another part of me that is just itching to get out of here.

Enough rambling... I want to be grateful for summer and thankful for the ups regardless of the downs. Here goes nothing...

hodge podge

An assortment of thoughts to add to your holiday weekend...

1. More and more people are dropping myspace. I wondered whether I was talking to myself before, now I know I'm talking to myself.

2. Since our first athletic event of the 2008-09 school year I've written more than 450 stories. That's crazy... particularly since it's probably my least favorite thing about my job. No more games/meets/matches until August.

3. Somehow we pulled off a surprise bridal shower for my little sister. My older sister was a huge help... we had about half of the bridesmaids here and my mom entertained kelsie while we could set up. I love surprises but I'm grateful the stress is over!

4. My little sister gets married in less than a month (steph too... congrats!). It's crazy to think about but I'm happy for kelsie and barton and pray they'll enjoy marital bliss!

5. I believe the very definition of "best friend" makes it impossible to have more than one. If they're the best then, they have to better than all the rest right? Maybe it's just because I suck at keeping them or being one or something... just a theory I have.

6. I'm not sure I'm very good at relationships either. I don't always know what I'm doing... I get stuck rocking back and forth between making decisions based on the future and trying to live in the moment. Dan... thank you for your patience.

7. I bought Kate Voegele's new cd on amazon for $2.99. Can't pass up a steal like that. I could be biased because she sings on one tree hill but I just wanted to let you know what I thought.

8. I'm beginning another summer of home improvements. I hope it looks as good when I'm finished as I'm envisioning in my head!

9. I miss the shore... I just don't think it's my time to be back yet.

10. I would like to go back to high school for a day... with everyone else from my "era"... but just to see everyone and laugh at what we thought was monumental and maybe appreciate the little things we skipped past.

the facade...

It's late and the week has been long but I had to share what's rattling around in my heard if I wanted any chance of sleeping tonight.

I haven't been able to attend my church here in Fayetteville lately. A couple of weeks ago I was working in Burlington and then the last weekend of April I was in Virginia for my cousin's funeral so I went to my friend Laura's church in Manassas. I heard a message at the Quest on Betting on Hope. The biggest thing I took away from Manassas was trying to grasp the concept of faith... but remembering the man with leprosy who said "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Not can you make me clean or please make me clean... but with faith to say I know you can but are you willing. My prayer life has changed... and I still need to listen to this past Sunday's sermon to hear the next piece of the story.

This past Sunday I was hoping to visit New Hope in Durham to hear the author of the Shack, William P. Young speak. I wasn't able to make it but their pastor Benji Kelley posted video on his site. I loved the Shack... I blogged about the Shack. I'll talk to anyone about the Shack. I didn't know a whole lot of Young's story but I can't describe the feelings I went through listening to him speak... there's a part of his story that resonates within me. He talks about how he grew up as a "religious kid" as a missionary kid and pastor's kid. He says...

"I create a facade on the outside... That's how I dealt with it. I tried to become a perfectionist hoping I could paint the facade fast enough to win somebody's approval and affection...
The reason you don't let somebody into the shack (your inner self) is you're afraid if you did, they'd reject you. When we do get affection and approval, we don't believe it because they don't know the whole truth, because if they did, they would reject us. Therefore, we fooled them."

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to read it... it's almost summer maybe you'll have time. Either way check out Young's story... http://www.benjikelley.com/

pray naked

This week has sucked a lot out of me. I was in Burlington, NC from Thursday to Sunday for work and didn't get home until after midnight Sunday night/Monday morning. I tried to sleep in some Monday but had some catching up to do at the office not to mention preparation for our awards banquet Tuesday. Tuesday was filled with meetings and high stress and ended the evening just feeling disconnected from the people in my life.

I don't always understand myself... rarely I understand myself. I can be wishy washy and opinionated... I can be judgmental and too forgiving... I can be desperate for time alone and still be desperate for time with friends. I can't predict it.. I can't time it.. it's me.. maybe it's part of being a girl but I don't even want to excuse it so easily.

I went to sleep in my house by myself craving fellowship and woke up to an e-mail from my mom with the subject "upsetting news." That can't be good. My mom can be funny but e-mail subjects aren't usually her avenue of humor. It turns out my cousin, my dad's niece committed suicide Tuesday. She has to be close to 40 with a husband and kids. The last time I saw her was probably at a funeral three years ago. The last time I spent any considerable time with her was at our grandmother's funeral six years ago. I don't know a whole lot about her. That doesn't make it easier. There's something about family that makes it possible to miss them even if you barely knew them. I can't explain it. Maybe it's the unexpectectancy... just leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

Meanwhile I feel like death causes people to run to others for support. I just wanted to sit and cry yesterday and yet I had to go to work and pretend like everything's ok. Students are finishing classes and stressing about exams and I'm fumbling through silly work in my office. I've just been feeling this need for people... to be able to sit and talk in my pajamas all day talking and watching movies or sit in a restaurant until it closes and they kick us out. But life keeps going and I can't seem to keep up.

Some smart people said... " We don't normally think of attachment as an emotion, but our attachment for people and objects generates a great deal of emotion. For example, our attachment to people or objects creates a wider range of areas for trespass and therefore, anger. It is the loss of important attachments which bring on sadness. It is the attachment to people who upset us and the attachment to our righteousness which leads to hate. Some sages [e.g., Buddha and Jesus] have suggested that we should have no attachments, going so far as to give up family and friends to seek serenity."

As a Christian I feel like God would want me to be completely reliant on Him and not need others. I was reading a sermon from John Beddingfield called "pray naked" where he talked about in Mark 6 Jesus told the disciples to travel light and if people weren't going for what they had to say to "shake the dust off your feet when you leave." I'm not a very good dust shaker. I take rejection and criticism and I load them all up and try to walk around with them. Beddingfield said "When God calls, often he peels away the layers that weigh us down. In the calling of the prophets, in the calling of the disciples, in the calling of the faithful in every age, it often seems like God strips away in order to make us free." I'm aiming for free.

jambalaya

Another blog of random thoughts...

1. Twitter... I'm a recent addict. I've been hearing people talk about it but wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. I felt like I had enough to keep up with between facebook and myspace not to mention my personal e-mail account, work e-mail... all on top of managing a web site for 19 sports and 400 student-athletes. Regardless... I spent a Friday afternoon looking for new media for work and decided to stumble around twitter. I ended up creating a school profile and a personal one... There are still a lot of people who have never heard of it and I guess I describe it as being a lot like facebook or myspace statuses. People post what they're doing or what they're thinking and everyone reads what everyone else is saying. I think the biggest selling point is the celebrity presence... people like Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Shaq, Lance Armstrong, Ellen Degeneres... they're using twitter and letting their fans into their lives a bit. And yes its really them. There are plenty of fan sites and imitators, but you can tell which ones are real. You can follow thousands of people or just a couple of close friends. Anyone can follow you or you can make your profile private for only those you allow. You can update your twitter with a "tweet" just by texting. You can subscribe to the people you're "following" and their "tweets" can all be sent to your phone. (This feature was a bit frightening to think of how often my phone would be going off but I've limited the people I subscribe to and I can set the hours that I want to receive texts - as in not when I'm sleeping!)
I'm not a paid endorser :) but I do think its another cool site that I check way too frequently.

2. One of my former zoners Holly posted a facebook status with the quote "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." I've heard the quote before but it was a good reminder for me. I'm not very good at it... I get impatient and I usually fail but I keep trying.

3. They showed a video at church a few weeks ago that I really liked and found the link... check out The Truth

4. I counted last week and I've worked 118 home events this year... but only four left! I'll still have to go to Burlington Apr. 16-19 for the USA South Tournaments and I'll be in Florida May 8-17 for the NCAA DIII Golf Championships but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each year does get easier but I feel like it takes so much out of me. I love being a part of college athletics but it can be draining. I'm anxious for the summer... riley fest... kelsie's wedding... and another trip to mississippi for sure. Hoping to do some more work on my house and make plenty of trips to the beach. I can't wait to have some free time to make my own schedule.

5. Sunday is Easter. I feel like it always makes me reflective... The pastor this past Sunday said "I want you to know why I'm a Christian." I think I spent a lot of my life just saying "I want you to know I'm a Christian" and most people look at me and think "good for you" or "stop judging me" but it doesn't mean anything without the why. I don't like religion. I don't like rituals. I believe the Bible is true and I try to apply it to my life. I believe in God. I believe He sent His Son, Jesus... who was human and God all at the same time... to come to earth... I believe He was hung on a cross to die... not for what He did wrong but for what I did, do and will do wrong. I need God to make sense of this life. Most people ask if there's a God why do bad things happen to good people... Dr. Tony Cartledge talked about this a week ago in reference to Luke 13... and I think the point is we all deserve to die... It's not a point of some were more evil than others, or God made a mistake and a few good ones slipped into the evil pile. I don't even think God categorizes us as good people and bad people... we've all screwed up.. just by being human Adam and Eve messed it up for all of us! Check out Dr. Cartledge's message at The Year of No Fig Preserves or his blog.

6. I don't get to go home for Easter. I suppose I could try to make quick trip but I'm not sure it's worth driving six hours each way to be there for such a short time. My parents brought me my Easter basket (how many 26-year olds still get Easter baskets? perhaps this is one benefit to being single) this past weekend and I'll have softball Friday and tennis Saturday to keep me occupied. I'm contemplating attempting to make it to a sunrise service Sunday before heading to my church. I've been taking two to four girls to church each Sunday the past few weeks so I've gotten used to company... back to sitting by myself but maybe its all for a good reason. Either way... happy Easter!