merry christmas...

Crazy to think another Christmas is almost over... There's always a ton of crazy chaos leading up to the big day and then we try (or at least my family does) to slow down and actually enjoy the holiday. I'm not sure we ever really grasp the true "reason for the season." We talk about Jesus and we make time for church... but how do you really comprehend the fact that a baby was born to a teenage virgin... let alone the fact he spent 33 years "growing up" all to die on a cross after doing nothing wrong, but to cover all of our wrong? If anyone publicized a story like that today we would laugh and accuse them of starting a cult. Today we have the bible and biblical scholars to support Jesus' birth, life and death but it will always come down to faith.

I hope you've had an amazing Christmas... I've had a great day with my family and hoping to see some more tomorrow assuming this snow doesn't keep everyone away.

"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." - Eric Sevareid

deja vu shuffle...

"Déjà vu (meaning "already seen") is the experience of feeling sure that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation, even though the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain and were perhaps imagined." (wikipedia)

Have you ever experienced déjà vu? Whenever I feel déjà vu, it seems it's usually experiences coming to life from a dream. I can't always finish the episode, but everything feels familiar.

Lately, my feelings of déjà vu are more like life imitating life... in other words... I keep trying the same things and making the same mistakes. Or maybe not even mistakes... but watching situations not turn out the way I want them to. What's the quote about insanity... "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" At some point during an experience I look around and realize I'm heading toward the same ending.

Here's to trying different things to get different results... I want to take my life off of repeat and put it on shuffle.

big week...

It has been a big week... maybe not your definition of big but it felt big and I have a feeling this week will be more of the same bigness.

1. One of my friends got engaged this week... I love engagements... I love proposal stories... and most of all I love seeing (or hearing) my giddy friends after they become engaged.

Some proposals I like (in no particular order)...
Chris and Ali... mostly because I love FCA... and also because she is legit surprised and her mom was in on it
Luke and Drew... mostly because Drew has a unisex name like me... and also because it was simple but centered around something that meant a lot to them
Zachary and Alaina (sp?)... mostly because of the creativity... nothing flashy in the speech, but I love the use of so many people to make her feel special

If I had a lot of blog readers I'd ask you for your faves... or maybe your fave is your own?!

2. The Sing-Off started! Three years ago NBC did Clash of the Choirs to fill the holiday season and last year they came out with the acapella competition, The Sing-Off. I was a tad too busy this week to catch any of it live, but spending my Saturday night jamming to acapella has been perfect. Wednesday's intro to "Use Somebody" is one of my new faves. If only I had made the cut. :)

3. College drama is not usually a good thing, but Wednesday night a student called to help figure out a bad situation. It had nothing to do with me, but someone suggested she call me for advice. A lot of people complain about sucky roommates, but when most of us think back to the different situations they probably weren't as bad as they seemed at the time. Thankfully I have never had to deal with a roommate conducting illegal behavior that could get me in trouble too... Being told you can't go back to your room can be a little disconcerting, but in a weird way it was rewarding to be there for someone in need. I just hope I made the night a little less disastrous.

4. Fourteen days until like Christmas!! I still have way too much shopping to do and I'm running out of time if I want to stick to my online shopping plan. My favorite part about Christmas is obviously the birth of Christ... so many people go on and on about the commercialization of the holiday taking away from the true "reason for the season" so I won't belabor the point... but not only am I grateful for dear baby Jesus... but I'm anxious to see some family and friends I haven't seen in what feels like forever.

5. I recently finished another semester of teaching. I'm still processing my thoughts... trying to debrief from the fall and still leave myself time to prepare for the spring. Here goes nothing!

humor...

I have this thing where I'm not sure my sense of humor always goes over so well. Most of the time I probably think I'm more funny than I actually am.

Last night I was traveling with our women's basketball team and our coach's six year old daughter had to pee. I thought it was funny to ask if she had ever peed outside before. She then started to cry afraid I was going to make her pee outside. Fifteen minutes later we had stopped to pee and she was subsequently puking in the seat next to me. Who's laughing now?

Most people my age have been entertained by movies like Austin Powers, Napoleon Dynamite and the Hangover. Ever since my distaste for Austin Powers, I've put my little sister in charge of determining what kind of television and movies fit my sense of humor. I've never even seen Napoleon Dynamite, the Hangover or half of Will Ferrell's movies. I prefer Friends, Notting Hill and my current favorite What I Like About You... the show most people over 21 have never even heard of starring Amanda Bynes. I know it's funny when I consistently laugh out loud. Stupid? Yes... but after a long week of 10 basketball games in seven days I'm allowed to be stupid.

it's not too late...

I wrote about new beginnings yesterday and it made me think of my fave duo JillandKate. They just released their new album Songs on the 17th vol. I and one of my fave songs made the list. I keep praying for more new beginnings... I'm still praying you'll give me one.  

JillandKate posted the explanations and lyrics for all of their songs on their blog but I included "Your Way Back" below...

"We find that it can be easier to write a song about someone than to actually tell them how you’re feeling. Maybe it’s cowardly, but it is what it is. Sometimes a song is the only chance you have of communicating to that person. Whatever the reason, this is one of those songs.

Relationships come and go in life and some losses are harder to swallow than others. We wrote this song together, but each of us wrote about different people.

So this is a combination of our attempts at reaching out to someone who we have lost touch with in our lives and communicating that the door is always open for them to come back."

LYRICS

I miss you so
And you’ll never know
I was too afraid to try to show you love
To give it up
To let you know I might

Care a little
Care a lot
Hold a place for you in this stubborn heart of mine
I hide it well

And maybe you’ll never see
But you’ve got me

And do you still remember me
Your long lost friend you used to need
I’m still hoping that you might find your way back
And if you ever think of me
I hope you know that it’ll never be
Too late for you to make your way back

Are you alright
Are you getting by
Do you still laugh out loud
Like we used to ’til it made us cry
And does it spark a memory
When you hear my name does it make you miss me
You hide it well

Did you close the door
Well I’m still yours

And do you still remember me
Your long lost friend you used to need
I’m still hoping that you might find your way back
And if you ever think of me
I hope you know that it’ll never be
Too late for you to make your way back

On a downtown street
(Your favorite song on repeat)
Drinking coffee late at night
(Your favorite show on tv)
Driving your car around all around
(Do you remember me)
All around

On a downtown street
(Your favorite song on repeat)
Drinking coffee late at night
(Your favorite show on tv)
Driving your car around all around
(Do you remember me)
All around

And do you still remember me
Your long lost friend you used to need
I’m still hoping that you might find your way back
And if you ever think of me
I hope you know that it’ll never be
Too late for you to make your way back

No it’s not too late for you to make your way back
No it’s not too late for you to make your way back

(c) jillandkate.

thankful...

I really do take time every night to come up with five things I'm grateful for and I don't think thanksgiving should be the only time we take time to say thanks. However... perhaps this is a chance for me to take a moment to give thanks "publicly" in the blogosphere of the world wide web.

1. I am so thankful for my family. It could be an obvious one... but I know there are people not so blessed. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only two holidays I have been able to hold as sacred family holidays... I refuse to let work take that away even if it means making 4 a.m. drives or spending nearly 25% of my trip in the car. Some day I hope I'm married and I'll have to figure out how to share the holidays... but for now I love being back on the shore. We have had our fair share of drama this week, but in the it doesn't matter because we're family.

2. I am thankful for my friends. Most of them don't live near me and I wish we could talk more or see each other more, but I know who I can count on when I need them. Some people know more about me than others... some people are better listeners... some are better advice-givers... some are better lunch dates... some are better shopping buddies... I'm truly grateful and pray we stay in touch.

3. I am thankful for my job. I complain about it a lot, but I never want to take it for granted. I have a job when so many people don't. I have met a ton of amazing people and get to watch them compete in collegiate sports... something that I wish I could still do.

4. I am thankful for new beginnings. I have made mistakes and I'm grateful for the people who have forgiven me and let me start over. I am also thankful I could do the same for others... I'm usually so quick to quit on people after mistakes to avoid being taken advantage of... but I'm praying I can guard my heart and still keep it open for the possibilities of new beginnings.

5. Most importantly... I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. I know for sure I would not be here today if it were not for Him. When I was a kid it was definitely just another characteristic about me... soccer player, liked the color blue, went to church... but now I really hope to seek real, passionate love for the God who continuously puts up with my crap and loves me anyway. I'm not sure I've even fully grasped who He is, but I pray my life glorifies Him.

I'm so happy for you...

How do I sum up this week? It hasn't been easy. I worked 43 hours from Monday through Wednesday and added another solid 20 hours Thursday and Friday. I realized my exhaustion from work can be misconstrued as unhappiness in my job. I like my job... I just don't like working 63 hours in five days.

Despite getting home too late this week, I still like to take time to unwind when I get home before I can actually fall asleep. One of my favorite shows lately is "Parenthood." This week's episode, "Put Yourself Out There," was definitely timely.

One of the main characters Amber found out she did really well on the SATs and her mom set up an interview with a Berkeley alum. Amber was freaking out and refusing when her uncle came to try and talk her into it. She basically said she was afraid of trying and failing and her uncle responded... "Life will knock you down more times than you can possibly imagine. Don't knock yourself down." Ugh... how often do we knock ourselves down? I am definitely not one to always see a situation as "half full," but I definitely don't need to see it "half empty."

At the end of the show there was a scene when Haddie was talking to her grandmother about a guy she met volunteering at the community center. Last week Haddie thought she was getting the vibe and kissed him, but he stopped her and said he was a recovering alcoholic and it wasn't a good time for a relationship. At the end of this week's episode she is telling her grandmother about the guy... Alex.

Haddie - "Can I tell you something... and you'll keep it just between us?" 

Grandmother - "Of course" 

Haddie - "I like Alex. I like coming here and seeing him here and he's an amazing person. He's like I mean.. you know... he's had all this terrible stuff happen to him and he's not bitter which is unbelievable! Like he is just... is a good guy." 

Grandmother - "I think it's wonderful. It's wonderful." 

Haddie - "Well you introduced  him to me.Thank you."

Grandmother - "You're so beautiful. You're such a beautiful girl. I'm so happy for you." 

Haddie - "Thanks"

Did I miss something? I was baffled... Haddie raves about Alex and her grandmother says "I'm so happy for you." I understand Haddie didn't include the part about Alex putting the brakes on a relationship, but the conversation really made me think about my perspective. Usually... if you like someone and the person doesn't like you back... we're not happy for you... we feel bad for you. Of course as an avid viewer I can buy into the belief that Alex likes Haddie, he's just not ready for a relationship... but I'm trying to understand the grandmother's ability to be happy for Haddie for merely liking someone.

Perhaps my disbelief goes along with my fear of usually even sharing with anyone that I like someone... especially when I don't know if the person likes me back... but even when I know we both like each other... I'm always cautious and figure the fewer people I tell about the relationship (or wannabe relationship) the fewer people I have to tell when it doesn't work. However... I think this goes back to Amber's dilemma... "Life will knock you down more times than you can possibly imagine. Don't knock yourself down."

bloggers...

A lot of the blogs I read are written by people who write every day. They blog for a living and usually post every day. I don't have time to post every day so when I do have time my blogs usually become a hodge podge of what I could have made into a week's worth of ramblings. So here goes...

1. Yahoo posted a story this week... 10 quirky facts about kissing. Not exactly the kind of reading that usually makes you think, but I saw a guy mention one of the facts on facebook that he was upset about... "The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married." The facebook poster said it made him sad to think about and another one of his friends agreed he didn't want his wife kissing 29 men before him. My first question was, "What's the average for a man before he gets married?" I tried googling it, but instead of finding an answer I found contradicting research debating whether the average for a female was 29 or 79... Maybe it's nearly tripling based on the fact women are getting married later. Once upon a time I made a list of the guys I've kissed... Rest assured I'm not close to 29. Although I've debated if I need to start kissing more to increase my chances of finding my husband! just kidding!!

I am always a little apprehensive about the double standard. I hope if you're worried about how many guys I'm kissing, you're thinking about who you're kissing.

2. CMA Awards... I watched a little bit of the CMA's on Wednesday and thanks to the DVR can catch the whole show on a lazy Saturday. I have yet to watch the whole thing, but I promise my favorite part will be the Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean performance. I know I'm biased, but just saying...

My other favorite part was Brad Paisley's thanks to the fans... "I'm like a turtle on a fence post. You know he didn't get there by himself." There was some stuff circulating on the internet awhile ago making fun of Obama being a turtle on a fence post and took the analogy further... but I love Brad's tribute. We're all where we are because of someone else. I know for sure I would not be here today if it weren't for a host of people in my life. I can't say thank you enough...

3. Speaking of Kelly Clarkson... her backup singers... and two of my favorite singers... JillandKate recorded a cd with their Songs on the 17th... well documented through my blog they post a song on youtube on the 17th of every month and I definitely preordered the cd. So as a plug for JillandKate... check out their site, their blog, their videos, their cd... do it.

4. One of my favorite bloggers Bianca Juarez posted a vlog about depression on Friday... I'm sitting on it a bit, letting it stew... expansion to come...

home...

At 7:30 this morning I found out my dad is giving his testimony at church tonight as part of re-acceptance to serve as a deacon. I have never heard my dad give his testimony. I have no idea how he came to know Christ and that hurts a little. My faith is such a big part of my life and to not really know that part of my dad or my mom's life seems like something's missing.

I have always fought the pull to let my Christianity become a habit. I grew up going to church because it was Sunday and my parents said so. I didn't drink or have sex because I was afraid of getting caught. Over the last 15 years I have consistently tried to find my own faith. I didn't want to do something just because my parents did it. I can't change the past, but it makes me think a lot about how I want to raise my own children. I want my children to know my faith. I want them to know not just what I believe, but why I believe it. I want them to love Jesus more than they love church. I want worship and prayer to be an integral part of our lives. I want them to trust me to love them unconditionally. I can't wait to share my faith and I hope someday I will have the opportunity to lead them to Christ.

Some things I like this week...
1. the Locator... I blogged a couple of weeks ago about how I cry often... I think it's impossible for me to watch this show without crying... There are people looking for their mothers, fathers, children... and Troy Dunn helps them reunite. I think the coolest part is that he doesn't just throw them in a room without spending time working through some of the hurt and anger that might have built up over so many years of separation.

2. Rachel Saburro White's singing... Ever since I started going to Snyder Memorial Baptist Church a few years ago, I found comfort in Rachel's singing. A member of the New Way worship choir, I even got her to come and sing the national anthem at school without having really met her before. Today she sang a new song she wrote that I loved... "I'm waiting and watching for my turn to come around... I've been on the sidelines for too long. My time is now... I'm gonna sing now... I'm gonna live now... I'm gonna speak now... I'm gonna love now... I'm gonna live now... for You.

3. Moving on... Over and over again I have documented my ability to hold grudges. I don't have a ton of patience for mess ups despite my own ability to mess up repeatedly. I've been trying to sort through balancing forgiveness with not being run over. I've found it's even more difficult to forgive someone that doesn't know you're mad at them. I'm grateful for God's providence placing conversations in my life that help me take another step forward towards moving on... moving past it. I was supposed to be helping you but you have no idea how much you helped me.

sucked in...

I have a habit of diving in head first... all in... particularly in my job and friendships. Sometimes more cautious almost too cautious in relationships but pretty dedicated to whatever I'm committed to...

For the last four years and three months I have been completely engrossed in my job. I know that I could be the awkward SID that only worked 8-5 plus the events and didn't "waste" time interacting with coworkers and students but I feel like I would be miserable.

Occasionally I've entertained the idea of working for a different school, but I've always thought I would have a hard time working for a school I didn't have a connection to.. Working for my alma mater means I have a vested interest in the teams and I honestly care about their success.

During my first semester here I had the privilege of watching the women's soccer team earn a bid to the NCAA National Tournament for the first time in 11 years. I think I was more excited than they were... the opposite felt true this year when the team finished seventh in the conference. I tried not to look it up, knowing it would irritate me more, but since we started a women's soccer team in 1985, we have never been lower than fifth.. and even then we were only fifth twice in 1999 and 2009. The conference started a conference tournament in 2000 and Methodist had never been left out of the semifinals until this year.

I'm always going to have a connection to the women's soccer team as an alum. And I care a lot for the lacrosse team as a semi-alum and sister of an alum... and as a former official scorekeeper for the women's basketball team I obviously care about them. I've created connections with other teams over the last few years and I get sucked into the wins, losses and the drama. I want to fix the problems and I want everyone to win a national championship.

On Friday one of my closest friends from my college soccer team came down from Virginia and I was the nerd that made us get takeout and sit in front of my computer to watch our volleyball team in the conference tournament semifinal. I felt silly but also knew if we had won I would have never forgotten that I missed it. I wish I could have been there in person... like somehow I would have made the difference in the outcome.

I'm always babbling about balance but I'm still trying to find it. I am grateful for my job and glad I can be a part of college athletics but I want to remember my role. I can't take credit in the wins or really bring much comfort in the losses. But I can listen...

jambalaya...

I wish I had a focus today but it's one of those days... good luck keeping up :)

1. cheating... I've found people define cheating differently, but I'm not a fan of it on any level... emotional, physical, whatever. I've noticed cheating is one of the easier sins to call people out on and sew the scarlet letter on their shirt. I don't agree with it, but I struggle to try and look at our flaws the same way God would rather than how our legal system might. Regardless of the sin or the flaw or the mistake the biggest question becomes, where do we go from here?

The contradiction with cheating is we are always so quick to ostracize the cheater, but at the same time cheating has become so much more popular. It has become more glorified in movies and on television and I hear of more and more college students losing relationships because of cheating. It sucks...

2. fire... I learned over and over again growing up all about fire safety. Smokey the Bear was constantly reminding me, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" Well I didn't think I would really need the information, I almost needed it this weekend. After a halloween gathering around a fire on Friday night I made sure it went out before I went to sleep. Saturday morning I dumped out the ashes in the back of my yard and recovered the firepit before going to work. About an hour later my roommate called to let me know everything was under control but we had a fire. Thankfully my neighbor noticed the fire and Lindsey was home to help him put it out. Evidently I stirred up the ashes when I dumped them creating enough of a spark to reignite the flames. They said it took them 40 minutes to put it out, but I'm so grateful they caught it before it went over the fence or really caught onto any trees or buildings. Lesson learned... I still need Smokey.

3. I wasn't the little girl dreaming about my wedding as a kid. I was way too worried about school and sports and friends. Of course after being in nine weddings I think about it a little more. The biggest thing I've learned from my married friends and family is that is more important to focus on the marriage more than the wedding. I read a blog today from one of my fave's Bianca Jaurez. Married just over a month she is still navigating the marriage, but I hope one day I can write letters to my husband with the same sentiment...

Dear Matt,
It’s Sunday and the dishwasher is empty, the bed is made, and breakfast is consumed. For the first time in almost two months we finally had a lazy Sunday. No deadlines, no rushed breakfasts, no missed gym workout, but most importantly, no reason to move at the speed of light.
On our first weekend since the wedding we’ve been able to rest. And I wanted to thank you. And remember. And honor you for who you are. Not a perfect spouse, but a spouse who tries hard to do his best—and I’m not sure I tell you that enough.
So, thank you. Thank you…
… for making the best pancakes I’ve ever eaten
… for allowing me to dance to Michael Jackson in the car
… for doing laundry every day, every load, and every color
… for buying me a printer after my panic/meltdown last week
… for always coming back to me after an argument to “talk about it”
… for pushing me to talk about my feelings when I want to shut down
… for bringing me flowers and putting them into vases around the house
… for encouraging me to step outside of my comfort zone and embrace who I am
I love you more today than yesterday. But not as much as tomorrow.
Love,
Your Sidekick for Life

On that note... I have another big week ahead so prayers appreciated. Hard to believe tomorrow begins November... but that means I can see my family in 24 days!

emotional much...

It was a well-known fact when I was growing up I had no problem crying. The problem was more like I couldn't stop... or maybe I just couldn't control it. I always cried at the most inopportune times and places... in the most embarrassing situations. Movies, tv shows, books, real life... nothing was safe.

Years later I'd like to think I'm better but not sure I've really convinced myself. It's a little more acceptable for females to cry, but not sure about 28-year old females... especially 28-year old females in professional settings.

On Sunday I went to church and saw a woman crying while we sang "Your Grace is Enough." A woman in my row squeezed out to the aisle to give the woman a tissue and a hug. I couldn't decide if I would have been embarrassed or grateful if I was the crying woman. At the end of the service they announced the tearful woman had just found out her second child had a second cancerous tumor while her youngest was still dealing with leukemia. Her story made me teary.

During the last song people had an opportunity to come forward to make a decision to join the church or to become a Christian or just ask for prayer. A young guy that looked high school age started the walk forward as soon as the song began and talked to the pastor. After speaking to the pastor he sat in the front row with a man from church to fill out a form as we continued to sing. Midway through the song, the kid's friend came forward to sit with him and put his arm around him. My eyes filled with tears again as I thought how blessed they were to have a friendship like that... to be there for each other... to support each other. Pastor Cook announced at the end of the song the guy was joining the church.

I don't know any of those people, but I think about how God is working in their lives... and how He's working in mine and I'm grateful... and I cry. Why do I cry so much? Who knows? But I'd like to believe when my heart overflows with gratitude and love, the overflow is expressed through my tears. I feel like I cry more now out of happiness but sometimes I still cry out of sadness. Everyone always says "everything happens for a reason." I try to embrace the theory but I don't always understand the reasons. When bad things happen I really struggle with the reasons.

I want to get better at trusting the reasons... better at trusting God's plan. In the same sense I need to figure out how to forgive. I always talk about trying not to hold grudges but I also don't want to be taken advantage of or walked all over. In our culture we judge our mistakes on a scale based on how bad it is... anywhere from a "whoops" to a "you're going to jail." I'm still sorting out what is ok and what's not... what's forgettable and what's not.

I read a cool blog last week that really made me think... praying for wisdom. If you get a chance, check out Carlos Whittaker's blog on "Christians and Their Molestation Problem"

p.s. Someone in Australia checked out my blog... shoutout to the outback!

pops...

Eight years ago my dad was turning 60 and it was a big deal. Family folklore had us convinced no other Britt men had lived past 59. I knew for sure my dad's dad, brother and cousin all followed the rule. It was a small joke, but I can remember being slightly more concerned as the 60th birthday approached.

Since then my dad has lived what I've considered to be a strong eight years. Despite having two knee replacements and kids that made his hair go gray early, he's rocking it out. Most people would have no idea he turned 68 on Monday. I keep telling him having his youngest kid at 45 was the best thing that ever happened to him... other than having his second youngest kid at 40. :)

My dad is conservative, old-fashioned and short tempered... but he is also generous, funny and supportive. For all the times he drives me crazy... I'm reminded I have no idea where I'd be without him.

happy birthday to my pops

10.10.10

How cool is it to be a part of 10.10.10? Only once a year for 12 years every hundred years do we get to experience a 10.10.10 or a 3.3.3 and I feel blessed to experience my 10th triple number day. Nothing really exciting or unusual to report but I think it's a cool day.

Occasionally I like to go back and read what I was blogging about a year ago or five years ago. I like to evaluate my growth and development and I pray that I can see progress. Sometimes it's a good reminder of lessons I learned and sometimes it's a good laugh.

Some flashbacks for you...

Oct. 7, 2005... I was digging a One Tree Hill quote that I still love... "At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, some are running scared, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls and sometimes all you need is one." - peyton sawyer

Oct. 7, 2006... I was posting about a devotional I was reading Streams in the Desert... "On September 30th, there's a story about a little plant in the forest whose growth was stunted because it was hidden in the shade of a giant oak tree, but the plant valued the shade and protection the tree provided... until a woodsman came in and chopped the oak down. The plant was upset he was left unprotected and scared he would be uprooted by the wind and storms. But in reality... the plant was exposed to the sunlight that would help the plant grow stronger and bloom flowers making it better than it ever could have been in the shade of the oak. There was a bigger blessing waiting for the plant that it couldn't see beyond the oak."

Oct. 2, 2007... I spoke at FCA for the first time as a staff member at Methodist... "What's the point of my walk down memory lane? When I look back on it now I can see all the masks I wore as a college student… literally and figuratively. I'm not sure if anyone really knew me. Sometimes I tried so hard to act like I didn't care what people thought that I was even faking that I didn't care. I don't know all of you but I feel like there is such a natural inclination to put on masks and hide from reality or keep a protective barrier between us and reality. We surround ourselves with people, but they don't really know who we are. Some of you are walking around this campus faking it. We pass on the way to class and I ask you how you're doing and you say fine when really you just bombed a test or just had a fight with your boyfriend. Sometimes we spend our nights in alcohol because we feel more comfortable but alcohol can just become another mask that lets us be someone else or lets us forget who we are. We have athlete masks, party masks, Christian masks, class clown masks, slutty masks, etc. depending on who we want to be that day around which people. I think sometimes we subconsciously stop before we enter a building to check our mask. You don't have to answer, but how many of us threw on the FCA mask before walking in tonight? Some of us walk around claiming to be Christians but we're doing more acting than we are being. We spend a lot of time doing the right things… we go to church, we do community service, we put Jesus fish on the backs of our cars, we might even read our Bibles or tell our friends about God… all things that are fine and good. But God didn't ask you to do things to make you look like Christ. He has asked us to get to know Him and through our relationship with God we can be a Christian without having to worry about acting like one. In theory, we wouldn't need a churchy Jesus mask to be a Christian. If that's who we are, it is a part of who we are without a mask."

Oct. 7, 2008... I was a new fan of the postsecret web site and loving the meaning behind it all... "If postsecret.com helps people share their secrets in a way that relieves guilt or temptation or pain then I'm all for it. There's still a part of me that hopes we can all find someone to trust.... someone to spill our guts to.... someone who will listen without judgment... someone who will cry with us and laugh with us... and even someone who can knock some sense into us when we've lost touch with reality."

Oct. 13, 2009... I was all about taking a timeout... a perfect reminder today... "Things that make me smile lately... the jamie kennedy experiment... bojangles... xangos... cookie dough... david crowder's cd church music... needtobreathe's cd the outsiders... house guests... MU winning... an unexpected text from a friend who hasn't bailed... dinner with friends and/or their families... home in six weeks."

Here's to learning lessons... and sometimes re-learning...

best friend...

I have a hard time with the label "best friend." I always thought people used it too loosely when I was younger. I never understood how you could have more than one best friend, but people threw it around to any of their friends.

I was catching up on some Oprah this week and she had Martha Stewart on her show to talk about life post-prison. I didn't follow the Martha trial at all. I have a tendency to trust our justice system and if they decided she was guilty I'll go along with it. It's weird to me how many people either decided she was innocent or were quick to forgive and help Martha's empire rebound so quickly. On the show, she seemed like prison was no big deal and just a place she had to stay for a little while. What I didn't know, but Oprah asked her about was her best friend of 20 years testifying against her in court.

Oprah: What was that like?

Martha: Disheartening, to say in the mildest possible terms.

Oprah: Was she always a best friend? Because I always think a best friend couldn't do that.

Martha: Well, I thought so. Best friends are sometimes not, and it's too bad.

Oprah: And [she] wrote an unflattering book.

Martha: Yeah, it's a sad thing. I did not read the book, and I have nothing to do with her and I'm sorry about that.

Oprah: You're sorry about that.

Martha: Yeah, of course. You would be. You would be horrified. Well, you can't let it be the end of your world, because people change. People are odd. People do strange things for different reasons. Sometimes you don't know the reasons. You don't know what kind of pressure they're under...

I've had people I've called best friends over the last 20ish years. I'm still friends with most of them... some closer than others but it's always been a struggle for me. I don't like losing touch with anyone, but especially not someone I considered a best friend. It has become harder as I got older to balance friends from home with this whole real world thing. I've added some good friends along the way, but unfortunately lost some too. As my wise criminal friend Martha says, "Best friends are sometimes not, and it's too bad."

To those I call friend... I'm grateful... To those I've lost... I miss you. To everyone... here's to avoiding Martha Stewart moments in court.

time...

Somehow I let a week pass by and I was feeling a blog drought. I'm not sure anyone else was, but I have definitely decided this isn't about anyone else. Of course if I really didn't care about anyone else, I would write it all in a private diary so I guess if someone benefits from my ramblings that's a positive byproduct.

The big discussion these days seems to be time management... how do we do it better? It usually involves somehow learning to balance things better. I manage my time... but I know I could do it better. I watch a ton of tv. I procrastinate on facebook. I take long lunches and have vent sessions in my office. Do I do them all the time? No. Should I do them less? Probably. But, it is a question of priorities and balance. I could totally shut the door to my office and work a solid nine hours from 8-5 every day and probably not work so late, but then I wouldn't have a vested interest in the student-athletes I'm spending so many hours statting. I could definitely come home and read educational books or do extra work at home, but then I would not have the opportunity to share my life with other people.

I want to live a full life... life full of people and activities and experiences. I also don't want to live a life full of always doing and not stopping to appreciate it.. or feeling so caught up in the busy-ness of it all that I miss it. There is a balance. There is a way to do your homework on a bus trip so that you can avoid an all-nighter. There is a way to catch up with a long distance friend before knocking out some more work... or a thought-provoking blog. (*insert sarcasm here)

Let's do it better... I'm holding on to the hope it's possible to really live balanced.

In the meantime I'd love it if someone would come work the next couple of weekends for me so I can hang out with my friends and family coming to visit... Sweet, thanks!

waiting...

I've thought a lot about how to frame this one... how to respect the anonymous but still tell my story. First of all you should know I've decided to wait until I get married to have sex. I don't know the exact moment I made the decision... I think I made it in high school because I was scared of the consequences and made a public decision in August 2000 at a summer camp because I have faith God knows better than I do. One of my friends gave me a ring that matched her own with the initials TLW inscribed on the inside for "True Love Waits" along with the date 8-00 (that I wear on my right hand and people always ask if it's a wedding band).

Most of the time it's a decision I haven't had trouble sticking to... I probably heard my first argument to persuade me otherwise in high school... barely thought about it in college and feel like I deal with it far too often since college. Most days, it's not a temptation... either I don't feel strongly enough about the guy or I hold onto the belief if I can go 28 years surely I can make it longer... and deep down I hold onto the belief I'm worth waiting for.

Lately, I have been amazed by the boldness of guys. Most guys at least try to be slick about what they want, but I actually had one tell me that's really all he wanted... he had no interest in a relationship. I know for sure I'd rather not be a one-night stand or a prostitute or even friends with benefits. Especially when he settles to ask me to come over so he can "service me." (Barf)

Some guys think because I'm waiting it's because I don't want to have sex. Wrong... I just want it to be with my husband. Everyone always asks then where do I draw the line. It gets hard because usually when a relationship ends I wish we hadn't even kissed. One person tried to argue it's like buying shoes, you should try them on first before you buy. My rebuttal would be if someone made a pair of shoes especially to fit your feet, you wouldn't need to try them on. I have faith God has designed the perfect person for me.

Pastor Cook preached from Genesis 39 today on Joseph's temptation with Potiphar. He mentioned a story of a couple he counseled where the guy was waiting to have sex and the girl had "messed up" once but the guy was having a hard time getting over it. He told the guy he needed to decide right away if he could forgive her or not... otherwise he would risk holding it over her head forever.

Forgiveness becomes clutch... and not always my forte. And then Cook relayed the story of the skydiving instructor who broke the fall for a woman when their chute got tangled. He became paralyzed from the accident while she escaped nearly unharmed. He broke her fall... talk about taking one for the team. And of course then I'm reminded of Jesus taking the fall for me... so cheesy but so true. The crucifixion... Jesus on the cross... "dying for our sins"... It all becomes too fairytale-ish until I have a tangible example like a skydiving instructor to put it into context. How does this relate to forgiveness? God put all of our sins... all of the mess ups on that cross and Jesus covered them with his blood. Everything I have done, am doing, will do is forgiven... now I need to pay it forward.

portions of "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United... my prayer for the week...

In my heart, in my soul.. I give you control.. Consume me from the inside out.. Let justice and praise.. Become my embrace.. To love you from the inside out.. Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades.. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame.. And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise.. From the inside out.. Lord my soul cries out

real world...

I found some free time this summer to rot my brain watching MTV's "Real World." It has become uber predictable with the extreme personalities fighting, partying and hooking up all the time.

I tried to say that it was time well spent as I attempted to learn something from these "seven strangers" (that at some point became eight.) More than anything, the show was a great infomercial for counseling and medication.

One of this season's characters, McKenzie played the "good girl" role but was blacking out early on via tons of alcohol. The roommates gave her a hard time for playing the role, judging everyone else, but acting differently... close to hypocritical. She argued during the reunion it was better to try to be a good girl and mess up than it was to just be a bad girl.

I feel like usually blogs are supposed to be to make a point, but I can't decide what my point is... I can't decide if I agree with McKenzie. I've always been so careful not to be a hypocrite. Sometimes people have different definitions of what a "good girl" is and I suppose based on the differences I could come off like a hypocrite in certain scenarios... but then do I get points for trying? Is it better to just say screw it, I'm not trying... if I try I'll just mess up.

So play the "good girl" role... embrace the "bad girl" role... or is it possible to really be a "good girl"?

surrender...

Most of my blog thoughts are not my own... I usually hear something that sparks something allowing me to babble on about everything and nothing all at the same time.

I was stressing about the weekend. I'm not always good at dealing with issues I try to bury. I am usually pretty good at stressing out.

After an interesting Saturday I woke up at my usual butt crack of dawn Sunday time to go to church. I love being able to go to church early before work but at 7 a.m. I'm not usually feeling so loving it. Sunday Pastor Cook spoke from one of the most difficult passages of scripture for me... Genesis 22 when God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. I have a hard time wrapping my head around Abraham seeming to be so willing to do it. I get the example of God sacrificing his son but that wouldn't happen for years after Abraham was dead and gone. Regardless... one of Pastor Cook's points was that Abraham was willing to do it...

My favorite part of Sunday... the story of the Pearl Necklace...

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver,she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

What are you hanging on to?

That is the question... what am I hanging on to? Our worship pastor Giles followed up with one version of "I Surrender All" and I felt wrecked. I wanted to spend the rest of the day figuring out what it meant to me and how I can be better... Instead I went to work a tennis tournament and three soccer games and dealt with work drama and catching up with friends and family and woke up to fall back into the vicious cycle of work. I don't want to forget... I want to surrender everything... not just when I have time... but most of all when I don't...

"I Surrender All"

...I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams Though the price to follow costs me everything I surrender all my human soul desires If sacrifice requires That all my kingdoms fall I surrender all
If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain If the focus of my vision is the status I attain My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire If all I have is all that You desire I surrender all

a breakthrough life...

Greg Creed came to Methodist on Monday to speak at our fall convocation. Most people wouldn't recognize his name right away but as soon as you say president of Taco Bell, his name carries weight. Fast food employment isn't always the most respected profession until you add "president" to your title. We don't have many millionaires come to Methodist, but when your $3 million compensation is public knowledge you know you've made it big. Greg Creed quickly went from no-name to big name.

I wasn't sure what to expect with Creed. Would he be a stuffy old guy or an inexperienced speaker we just brought for the notoriety? I left thoroughly impressed. Not only did he start with a joke, "I'm an Australian selling Mexican food to Americans," but he asked the thought-provoking question, "Do you want to lead an incremental life or do you want to lead a breakthrough life?"

He barreled through his message leaving me wishing I was taking notes with all of the freshmen required to attend for class. He described leaders as curious and prepared to take risks. He related a story of driving on a highway... Some people will always stay behind the car in front of them because they believe it's moving fast enough that a lane change isn't necessary.

"But if you don't go to a different lane, you can never pass the car in front of you," he said. Yes, there's a risk that moving could mean getting stuck behind somebody slower. But ultimately, you have to have the fortitude to actually try and go into a different lane. If you stay behind the car, you'll always be second. It really is that simple."

How many of us are afraid to change lanes? Can we take the risk? Whether it's a risk in a current job or accepting a new job... or a risk in a relationship or a risk to try something new... we have to take the risk to move ahead. Some people are content to be second. I don't want to be first to beat everyone else, but I want to be first to be the best I can be.

I want to take the risks that will lead me to a breakthrough life, but in the back of my head I question my ability to determine the breakthrough risks from the breakdown risks. I want to take smart risks and I pray my fear doesn't cripple my ability to move forward. Here's to stepping out of fear into a breakthrough life.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

names...

After saying hi to nearly everyone I saw in the lion's den yesterday, one of our new coaches asked me what percentage of the student body did I know at Methodist? It's actually probably the lowest right now and increases throughout the school year. By May I know every single athlete (and usually their jersey number, position, hometown and sometimes high school) and nearly everyone that goes to FCA.

There's something about knowing names... When I was a kid I went to music camp (totally different from band camp!) and set out to learn everyone's name. I spent my summers in high school working camps trying to learn everyone's names each week. I love seeing someone's face light up when you call them by name and they're not expecting you to know them. Usually there's a relief to being known... sometimes people are trying to hide and calling them by name can make them feel vulnerable but I like to think it's healthy. We're not meant to go through life alone.

I'm trying to learn new names every day... putting faces with names and trying to get to know people beyond what sport they play or what major they picked. Names are a great start... but I have a long way to go!

By the way... JillandKate finally posted the Song on the 17th...

laboring...

I complain about work a lot. I'm sorry... I know I signed up for this... I need to suck it up and deal with it. Of course it's easier for me to say after surviving my 83-hour week... but I am thankful for the people that helped me get through it... people who ate with me... listened to me vent... volunteered their time to work... stopped what they were doing to do what I couldn't... were patient with my lack of communication. Thank you... I don't want to ever take you for granted.

In the midst of my busy week I had the pleasure of spraining my ankle (insert sarcasm here). I've had problems with my left ankle for too long... For 10-12 years now I have hurt my the same ankle/foot five different times.

Have you noticed when you injure something once, you're so much more prone to do it again? There are so many things in my life that I have messed up... as soon as I think I learn my lesson, I fall right back into it. I date a guy I know isn't right for me... go through heartbreak but yet I date the guy again or a guy with the same problems. I procrastinate and end up working late and tell myself next time I'll plan ahead until I find myself stuck in the same situation the next week. The weakness has been exposed and I'm not always good at withstanding the temptation. I sound like an addict... or a Pringles commercial... but once you pop you can't stop.

I sprain my ankle... let it heal... maybe even strengthen it but as soon as I think I'll be careful this time... that's when I fall. I'm thanking God for a way out... or a way up.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

unanswered prayers...

When I was younger I went through a stage where I had Garth Brooks' "No Fences" on repeat... and by repeat I mean I kept rewinding the cassette and playing it over and over again (cds were still a new fangled invention that had not made it into my home yet). My mom was not so thrilled. She thought "Friends in Low Places" was teaching me to be an alcoholic, "The Thunder Rolls" was advertising marital affairs and she argued the theology behind "Unanswered Prayers." Despite her warnings, I couldn't stop loving some garth!

At the same time, I don't believe in unanswered prayers. I think "unanswered" implies God isn't listening or speaking to us when in reality I think He always knows better than we do and sometimes He asks us to wait, or doesn't answer the way we want Him to.

In the song, Garth is reminiscing about a high school flame he had spent praying "God would make her mine." After running into her at a high school football game with his wife years later, he thanked God for not answering his prayer. Again, I'm not buying into the "unanswered" part, but I love when God gives us perspective on our prayers after the fact. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for God to make a guy mine forever... or to give me that job I just had to have... or to heal my friend or family member.

Looking back... I know God has closed the door on so many things in my life for good reason. The relationships I stressed over in high school seem so petty now. If I had been offered a different job, there are so many other things and people I would have missed out on. With social media what it is today, I don't even have to go back to a high school football game to thank God for all of the prayers He didn't answer the way I wanted. That's not to say there aren't prayers I've been praying for years and will keep praying... God keeps answering one way and I keep praying someday He'll change his answer...

In the moment, we don't always understand His answers, but I'm thanking God for perspective.

finished...

There is such a sense of accomplishment after completing a project... usually the bigger the project the bigger the accomplishment. It was a big deal for me to buy a house two years ago. Most people thought I was crazy. I wasn't married or necessarily working my dream job, but I had been saving... I was tired of paying rent and the media kept telling me the "market is good." I felt like a real adult after signing those papers and calling a house my own.

That first summer I ripped wallpaper and painted my bedroom and two bathrooms while beginning to tackle the sun room that started as dark wood plywood... everywhere. Last summer I tackled my front room and converted it from an original "game room/hall of fame" to den/office of some sort with my own sense of style (or lack thereof).

It was a debate this summer to go big with the kitchen or keep it small with a shower replacement in the hall bathroom. Since when did I not go big?? The kitchen it is... I had no experience with a kitchen renovation and really don't spend enough time in a kitchen to know what I wanted... I just knew I wanted anything other than what I had.

On July 20 my old kitchen was stripped and by August 25 I was back in business. Thirty-seven days later after too much money, tears and hours away from work... I have a kitchen I love. I still have some plans for new lighting, but I can't afford to miss anymore work and need to let the bank account recover. Thank you to everyone who helped me make sure things matched (Kelsie, Mindy, Robin) thank you to everyone who put up with the lack of a kitchen (Stacy, Francie, Lindsey, Ryan) and thank you to everyone who let me vent (I know I would forget someone but I truly do appreciate all of your ears and patience).

before...

after...

presence...

I could write a blog about presents... but more importantly I've been thinking about presence. Are we present in all that we do? There are definitely moments when we want to rush through them and I'm not knocking that... especially tough moments, but sometimes we treasure those moments more after we have to say goodbye.

I went to a funeral on Monday. Most people don't usually jump at a chance to go to a funeral... especially for someone they aren't related to and weren't close friends. But you do those things to support a friend in the loss of their family or their friend. When we go through hard times... hard times when we may not want to be present... it is sometimes friends who help get us through them... whether we're leaning on them or they're carrying us through... I'm so grateful for the friends who have stood by me and supporting them after losing someone is just a small act of support.

I didn't spend a ton of time with Mama Ruth, but during the time I spent with her she taught me a lot. The pastor mentioned it at her service, but it was all about being present. She wasn't asking about the game, she was asking what time she was getting picked up. She went to nearly every one of Zan's basketball games and traipsed through Colorado with us a couple of years ago. She didn't have to speak to make her love and pride for her grandchildren obvious.

I wasn't fortunate enough to live next door to my grandparents. They never saw me play high school or college sports.. By the time I graduated college I was grandparent-less. But... I am so grateful for my friends and their grandparents who continue to teach me lessons through their presence. 

friendship...

I just watched the season finale of army wives and I need to make this quick so I can get enough sleep to get through a busy week. There was some criticism when the show first premiered because some viewers didn't feel it was a fair representation of army life. I have no idea what is true or untrue about the show in regards to army life. I do love the portrayal of family and friendship. It is refreshing to see people support each other... to want the best for their family and friends regardless of how it affects their own life.

I am so grateful for the people in my life that can do that for me... and I pray I can put others before myself in everything I do.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."- C. S. Lewis

shake the foundation...

A couple of years ago I found a prayer in a magazine and copied it to keep in my purse... not that I carry a purse often... but it had the best chance of being with me... I apologize I can't remember the author... but thought it still might be an encouragement today...

Shake the foundation of my heart. Touch my lips and touch my life. I will not burn out this year; I will burn bright. Inasmuch as I can see You on this side of heaven, I want to see You. I want to learn to love the way You do. Change scares me. But in this moment of transition, in this season of weird unfamiliarity or sudden loss, I'm still going to look for you. I'm tired of sitting by my own private pity pool and comparing tan lines with other people. I'm not looking for their approval anymore. No more empty resolutions. No more frail intentions. This year, I want to do something brave and beautiful. From the deepest corners of my trembling heart, I'm whispering the same words Isaiah did, "Here I am. Send me." Because my days don't mean anything if they don't belong to You.

To those of you heading back to school and/or work this week or maybe the  next couple of weeks... I'm praying for you. Let's burn bright.

eat. pray. love.

Stacy and I went to see Eat. Pray. Love. this afternoon. She got me a movie gift card for my birthday last month and we restrained ourselves to wait until now to see Julia Roberts. I remember when Elizabeth Gilbert was all the rage a couple of years ago after her book became so popular, but I resisted the bandwagon movement. Of course when Julia was cast as the lead I knew I would see it. I still wasn't really too interested in the book, but I'm glad I had a chance to see the movie... and for free!

It's hard for me to watch her walk away from her marriage. I think we all dream about a "find myself" trip and many of us have been in relationships when we start to wonder if we've lost ourselves... but I think once you take the marriage vows, it changes... you can't just walk away. Or at least I want to believe it works that way...

I love the "eat" portion. I love how the Italians embrace the pleasures in life. While I'm not a proponent of obesity, I despise counting calories and hope to find a healthy balance between working out and enjoying food.

The "pray" section makes me think... I don't know a lot about Hinduism, but from what I understand it's extremely accepting of different beliefs... The always official wikipedia said... "It is sometimes referred to as henotheistic (i.e., involving devotion to a single god while accepting the existence of others)" which is in direct contradiction to Christianity... However, I can appreciate their devotion to prayer and I can pull away life lessons for myself.

My favorite quote from the "love" part comes from Liz's advisor Ketut right before her light bulb moment... "sometimes to lose balance for love is to live a balanced life." Liz was so focused on keeping the balance in her life and was afraid by accepting love, she would lose herself as she had in previous relationships. I'm always looking for balance and Liz's battle definitely resonated with me...

The movie didn't inspire me to quit my job and leave the country, but it has incited reflection... which makes it a success in my book.

hope...

There are a ton of definitions for hope. I was going to include some philosophical explanation, but I'm not sure I have the words to do it justice.

I can say... hope keeps me going. I use hope primarily when thinking about the future... things I hope are fulfilled. There's a difference between hope and belief. I feel like belief is something I know to be true while hope is something I want to be true. I have a list of hopes but I'm not sure how God feels about my hopes... and because I have a belief in God, the way he feels about my hopes becomes a big deal.

I just watched Valentine's Day... the movie... with one of my favorite actresses Julia Roberts. Not everyone loved it, but it made me laugh and had happy endings so it kept my hope alive. I'm going to see Eat Pray Love tomorrow and I've heard mixed reviews, but I have to be loyal to Julia. I'm so loyal I purchased The Mexican... even if I can't sit through the whole thing.

Sometimes I hope I get to meet a celebrity... like Julia or Kelly Clarkson... but mostly I hope for more important things... like a husband and children... and a healthy, safe family and friends... and sometimes a job I could love without working excessive hours.

I try to hold on to Psalm 37:4... "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." That sounds like God could be like Santa... be good and he'll bring you everything on your list... My friend reminded me this week sometimes God changes the desires of our heart. Either way... I think the first step is to delight myself in Him... here's to hoping...

Meanwhile... you have to love a good mash-up cover by Kelly Clarkson...

"That I Would Be Good"/"Use Somebody" - Alanis Morissette/Kings of Leon

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
you know that I could use somebody

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

flashback...

Fourteen years ago I got to know the Riley family and I have never been the same. It was my last summer as a camper at Camp Wo-Me-To in Jarrettsville, Maryland. I grew up spending a week at a girls camp from 1991-1996 and owe so much of my personal and spiritual growth and development to that small slice of heaven on earth.

Every year I would go with a friend or two from my church and we would meet a cabin full of girls... I always fell in love with the counselors hoping I could be like them some day. After camp ended, occasionally we would exchange letters a few times for a few months, but we would fall back into our routines at home and we most I never saw again. 

Fast forward to 1996 and my friend Nicole and I were in lucky cabin 13. We were listening (barely) to a missionary speak but evidently I was not impressed. The girls were all seated in cabin order and Nicole and I were next to Laura and Sarah from another cabin. I tried to keep us all entertained with some humor at the expense of Rose (sorry Rose!) and for some reason we all clicked. We spent as much time together as possible over the next couple of days before camp ended on Friday. On Friday you would have thought someone died. We all cried and cried when we were forced to say goodbye. I was so afraid we wouldn't see each other again... what if we didn't keep in touch... we had only known each other a few days, but we had bonded quickly. We wrote a ridiculous poem, synchronized our watches and recited the poem at the same time every day to feel like we were closer... crazy I know!

Over the next few years we battled high school together... 68 miles apart. For the first year or two we cried every time we had to say goodbye. I think at some point the goodbyes weren't so teary as we learned to trust we'd see each other again. I am so grateful for my parents, Nicole's parents and Laura's parents for shuttling us back and forth before we could drive. At least every Christmas and summer we planned a trip usually spending a couple of days together. I got to know all three of her sisters and felt welcomed and loved by her parents.

College made me nervous... I was set on going somewhere in North Carolina and Laura considered it for a little but followed Kim to Mt. St. Mary's in Maryland. We didn't talk as much... but we always found a way to pick up where we left off. My friendship with her sisters Kim and Sarah grew as well and I always felt like I was keeping up with their family one way or another. Eventually we finished college and became adults... The best thing that could have happened was when I came back to Maryland after grad school. Laura asked me to be her maid of honor, Kim asked me to be in her wedding and I was able to be in Maryland for all of the festivities during the summer and fall of 2005.

Their family keeps growing and they still make an effort to include me. I've been invited to their summer vacation the last couple of years and always love the time we spend together. I can usually only do a couple of days and this summer was cutting it close with my work responsibilities, but I was determined to make an appearance. I had a flashback to 1996 yesterday when it was time to leave... crying like a 14 year old girl not sure when I would see everyone again. I trust our friendship, my place in their family, but life just keeps moving faster and I definitely cherish my time with family and friends. I am so grateful for the Riley family and our friendship that began with laughter and tears that never seem to stop.