I'm having trouble seeing further than what's right in front of me. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to live in the now and not stress out about what could come but now I'm drowning in the nothingness of now and struggling to keep fighting for what's beyond it all.
I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I guess this is what happens when I work four baseball games in five days or write 26 stories in seven days or work 67 hours this week... I'm fried. This is my life in march... gotta love it.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
life imitating art...
I haven't written in forever. Two of my loyal readers deserted myspace and I think there was a part of me wondering what's the point. At the same time, I think it's still healthy for me to write... whether it's necessary for me to write it in "public" for you to read I haven't decided... in the meantime here's some healthy babble.
I have this thing for the tv show "one tree hill." Most people can't stand it. It premiered around the same time as "the o.c." and "the o.c." received most of the fans and notoriety but while I followed "the o.c." I've always felt more connected to "one tree hill." I lost some of you already by trying to convince you a person could (or should) connect to a television show... but hear me out. Some of the story lines are far fetched... some have been frustrating and others have been trashy. At the same time, I love it when a character expresses him/herself because it feels honest. Peyton started out as this dark, troubled girl who expressed herself only through her drawings or music. Lucas was the outcast of his school and basketball team trying to find his place all while writing everything down. I'm not sure how realistic it all is but Lucas has shared some awesome quotes from writers while Peyton's exposed me to some great new music over the years.
Lucas and Peyton have had some ups and downs but I feel like sometimes they just say what I couldn't figure out how to say... or sometimes they just remind me that I need to express myself rather than let it stay bottled up inside. Some people find life imitates art while others think art imitates life. I just appreciate the opportunity to see a glimpse of someone or something I needed at that particular moment in this real life I live so far away from the television screen.
"The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface."
"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for all those years so he could be a good friend. I didn't come here to rehash the past. Lucas I love you and it is gonna suck but if what you really want is for me to let go then Im gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."
I have this thing for the tv show "one tree hill." Most people can't stand it. It premiered around the same time as "the o.c." and "the o.c." received most of the fans and notoriety but while I followed "the o.c." I've always felt more connected to "one tree hill." I lost some of you already by trying to convince you a person could (or should) connect to a television show... but hear me out. Some of the story lines are far fetched... some have been frustrating and others have been trashy. At the same time, I love it when a character expresses him/herself because it feels honest. Peyton started out as this dark, troubled girl who expressed herself only through her drawings or music. Lucas was the outcast of his school and basketball team trying to find his place all while writing everything down. I'm not sure how realistic it all is but Lucas has shared some awesome quotes from writers while Peyton's exposed me to some great new music over the years.
Lucas and Peyton have had some ups and downs but I feel like sometimes they just say what I couldn't figure out how to say... or sometimes they just remind me that I need to express myself rather than let it stay bottled up inside. Some people find life imitates art while others think art imitates life. I just appreciate the opportunity to see a glimpse of someone or something I needed at that particular moment in this real life I live so far away from the television screen.
"The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface."
"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for all those years so he could be a good friend. I didn't come here to rehash the past. Lucas I love you and it is gonna suck but if what you really want is for me to let go then Im gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
thinking
It's Christmas night and I'm exhausted, but I don't want the day to pass me by without really grasping the reality of it. Most of our holidays have become over commercialized... people more concerned with buying cards and gifts than appreciating the true meaning behind the holiday. Christmas is no different... we rush around to send Christmas cards, decorate the house, buy gifts, attend the Christmas parties, pretend to be Santa for the kids... it's every where.
The funny thing is, Christmas started in something resembling more like a stable when a virgin teenage girl had a baby. There was no Santa, no house decorations, no cards or reindeer. Some of our Christmas traditions started with thoughts of Christianity, but they've been so distorted some of us don't even know what Christmas really means. Christmas is the day we celebrate Jesus' birth. The part that is hard to understand (or maybe believe) is Jesus is God's son but came to earth with a greater plan that would ultimately be fulfilled through Easter. No one really expected God's son to come through a poor teenager in a barn, but humans screw up and God was gracious enough to send his Son to cover up for us... (an understatement). Either way I want to remember why I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to open presents and spent the day with family chaos rather than sitting in my office staring at a computer all day.
Discovering Christmas
A man hated church, but he loved ducks. But his ducks were really dumb ducks. They wouldn't go south when winter came. He fretted as each day got colder, and they weaker. He tried to put grain down leading into his barn, where they would be safe, but they wouldn't have any of it. He left the doors open at night, and put lights on inside, and they didn't even notice. It grew colder as the days went by, and the duck lover pondered and thought. He played music inside. He put Fox decoys all around outside. In frustration, he finally tried to herd them into his barn, but the more he waved and shouted, the more afraid the dumb ducks got, and fled further away from the warmth and the food their loving duck shepherd was offering them.
Our poor duck shepherd fell to his knees sobbing, knowing these ducks would soon die now, and nothing he could do would help them- nothing, because he was unfathomable to them, and they feared him. He thought, "If only I could be one of them, I could show them, communicate to them, and they would accept me, and not be afraid of me, and I could bring them to safety, warmth, shelter- to a place I myself have prepared for them. Just then he heard the bells for Christmas eve services, and realized for the first time what that babe in Bethlehem was all about...
Sidenote... babble about prayer...
I think about prayer a lot. Someone gets sick and we ask for prayer. Sometimes we pray for our food before we eat it. Occasionally we are hit with an emergency and throw up a prayer out of desperation. I'm not always sure how effective my prayers are, but I have to trust that they're being heard. Unfortunately the examples of prayer that we put out there aren't always good ones. In a lot of churches, prayer is a speech with a lot of churchy words like "redemption" and "wherefore shall" and "calvary" that are not found in our typical conversation. I think prayer is a way to communicate with God... so it doesn't have to be wordy or churchy or stiff... I don't think God's impressed by it. Prayer is like calling my best friend to talk... or maybe writing a letter is easier than talking... there are no rules... I just think it should be real...
The funny thing is, Christmas started in something resembling more like a stable when a virgin teenage girl had a baby. There was no Santa, no house decorations, no cards or reindeer. Some of our Christmas traditions started with thoughts of Christianity, but they've been so distorted some of us don't even know what Christmas really means. Christmas is the day we celebrate Jesus' birth. The part that is hard to understand (or maybe believe) is Jesus is God's son but came to earth with a greater plan that would ultimately be fulfilled through Easter. No one really expected God's son to come through a poor teenager in a barn, but humans screw up and God was gracious enough to send his Son to cover up for us... (an understatement). Either way I want to remember why I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to open presents and spent the day with family chaos rather than sitting in my office staring at a computer all day.
Discovering Christmas
A man hated church, but he loved ducks. But his ducks were really dumb ducks. They wouldn't go south when winter came. He fretted as each day got colder, and they weaker. He tried to put grain down leading into his barn, where they would be safe, but they wouldn't have any of it. He left the doors open at night, and put lights on inside, and they didn't even notice. It grew colder as the days went by, and the duck lover pondered and thought. He played music inside. He put Fox decoys all around outside. In frustration, he finally tried to herd them into his barn, but the more he waved and shouted, the more afraid the dumb ducks got, and fled further away from the warmth and the food their loving duck shepherd was offering them.
Our poor duck shepherd fell to his knees sobbing, knowing these ducks would soon die now, and nothing he could do would help them- nothing, because he was unfathomable to them, and they feared him. He thought, "If only I could be one of them, I could show them, communicate to them, and they would accept me, and not be afraid of me, and I could bring them to safety, warmth, shelter- to a place I myself have prepared for them. Just then he heard the bells for Christmas eve services, and realized for the first time what that babe in Bethlehem was all about...
Sidenote... babble about prayer...
I think about prayer a lot. Someone gets sick and we ask for prayer. Sometimes we pray for our food before we eat it. Occasionally we are hit with an emergency and throw up a prayer out of desperation. I'm not always sure how effective my prayers are, but I have to trust that they're being heard. Unfortunately the examples of prayer that we put out there aren't always good ones. In a lot of churches, prayer is a speech with a lot of churchy words like "redemption" and "wherefore shall" and "calvary" that are not found in our typical conversation. I think prayer is a way to communicate with God... so it doesn't have to be wordy or churchy or stiff... I don't think God's impressed by it. Prayer is like calling my best friend to talk... or maybe writing a letter is easier than talking... there are no rules... I just think it should be real...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
graduation
I attended my 8th Methodist College/University graduation yesterday. As an employee at Methodist some might not find that very surprising, but I've only attended two as an employee. I was a student when I attended four of them (one being my own) and came back for two others. I've become quite the Methodist graduation connoisseur over the last six years.
In the beginning graduation was a bit more like a burden because I had finished my exams and was anxious to get home. Eventually my friends started graduating and it was nice to at least see them walk the stage. Unlike most bachelor's degrees, Methodist has a hooding ceremony. Graduates choose a "sponsor", ideally someone who has aided them during their college career, to walk across the stage with them and place the hood around their neck. During the three ceremonies I watched before my own, my favorite part was always seeing who people picked to hood them. Most people choose their mom or dad, so when it was my turn I had to be different. My aunt was a recent cancer survivor and I had grown particularly close to her during her treatments and asked her to be my sponsor. I think she thought I was an alcoholic (get it? sponsor for AA? ok never mind) but I assured her I just needed her to come to graduation. It was such a big deal to me and I hope my aunt felt the importance. I'm not sure Methodist does a very good job at explaining the significance to graduates who haven't attended a ceremony. Regardless, I will always cherish my own graduation and am grateful to my aunt for participating in the occasion!
Even after I graduated I still look forward to seeing everyone's sponsor. There are always oohs and aahs for the graduates who have their young children hood them or quiet chuckles when a 5 foot mom has to try to hood her 6'5 son (slight exaggeration). On Saturday the first graduate's sponsor was listed incorrectly... the sponsor was announced as the graduate's wife while an older man hooded him. Insert nervous laughter here. I was honored to be asked to hood a graduate but a bit nervous to be on the other end. I sat next to a guy hooding his brother. The graduate kept telling his brother he had written him down as his significant other. Lauren wanted to write down I was her lover. I would have loved to have seen the president's face after that one. Of course I think I surprised him enough being a hooder in my cap and gown as he tried to remember who I was. Good times.
Summary... hooding is a big deal to me. It's a big deal to see students walk the stage who wanted to quit but kept going. It's a big deal to be able to walk behind them and feel a part of the moment. And it's an even bigger deal that I did it in heels without falling! :)
In the beginning graduation was a bit more like a burden because I had finished my exams and was anxious to get home. Eventually my friends started graduating and it was nice to at least see them walk the stage. Unlike most bachelor's degrees, Methodist has a hooding ceremony. Graduates choose a "sponsor", ideally someone who has aided them during their college career, to walk across the stage with them and place the hood around their neck. During the three ceremonies I watched before my own, my favorite part was always seeing who people picked to hood them. Most people choose their mom or dad, so when it was my turn I had to be different. My aunt was a recent cancer survivor and I had grown particularly close to her during her treatments and asked her to be my sponsor. I think she thought I was an alcoholic (get it? sponsor for AA? ok never mind) but I assured her I just needed her to come to graduation. It was such a big deal to me and I hope my aunt felt the importance. I'm not sure Methodist does a very good job at explaining the significance to graduates who haven't attended a ceremony. Regardless, I will always cherish my own graduation and am grateful to my aunt for participating in the occasion!
Even after I graduated I still look forward to seeing everyone's sponsor. There are always oohs and aahs for the graduates who have their young children hood them or quiet chuckles when a 5 foot mom has to try to hood her 6'5 son (slight exaggeration). On Saturday the first graduate's sponsor was listed incorrectly... the sponsor was announced as the graduate's wife while an older man hooded him. Insert nervous laughter here. I was honored to be asked to hood a graduate but a bit nervous to be on the other end. I sat next to a guy hooding his brother. The graduate kept telling his brother he had written him down as his significant other. Lauren wanted to write down I was her lover. I would have loved to have seen the president's face after that one. Of course I think I surprised him enough being a hooder in my cap and gown as he tried to remember who I was. Good times.
Summary... hooding is a big deal to me. It's a big deal to see students walk the stage who wanted to quit but kept going. It's a big deal to be able to walk behind them and feel a part of the moment. And it's an even bigger deal that I did it in heels without falling! :)
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
slow as molasses...
I've been slacking... big time. I haven't done as well keeping in touch with my long distance friends. I haven't been running (ok when did I ever do that on a regular basis... but still). I haven't posted a blog in awhile either.
For some, blogs are stupid. For some, blogs are a way to eavesdrop on their myspace "friends'" lives. For some, blogs are a survey posting system or a lyrics proclaimer. For me, they have been a way to release... sometimes a way to share... but usually a way to get out what I can't get off my mind. Sometimes I delve too deep or sometimes maybe not deep enough.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I had the opportunity to go home for a couple of days and I was determined to spend the time with my family. I did some Christmas shopping with my mom, had a movie night with my sister and hung out with the fam Thanksgiving day. I hadn't been home since the beginning of August so it was just comforting to be back on the shore. Sometimes I take home for granted but I'll always have a special place in my heart for the shore. My older brother and sister are crazy in their own ways but I'm so grateful for our relationships. As weird as our family is with siblings 22 years apart and a nephew older than his aunt... I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thanksgiving always ends up being a bit of a tease because my trip home is so short making me anticipate Christmas even more. I can't wait to go home again in a couple of weeks and visit friends and family. Of course whenever you see people you haven't seen in awhile, and you're 25 years old, everyone's bound to ask about your marital prospects. It's always fun to explain you're still single, or maybe you have to explain what happened to the guy you were dating the last time you saw them. Every time I think I'm ok with being single, I have to re-convince myself when I explain it to everyone else.
I was talking to a friend last week about finding "the one." There are a lot of people that say you'll find him/her when you least expect it or when you stop looking. I do believe sometimes we try too hard or we settle for stupid relationships just to be in a relationship. On the other hand, if I just sit in my office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the chances are slim that "the one" will waltz into my life. We say to let go of our problems and give them over to God, and I agree we shouldn't worry, but if I need a job, I still have to send out my resume, or make some connections to find a job opportunity. I'm not planning on sending my relationship resume to all the single guys in the world, but I am going to be satisfied with where I am in my life while still pursuing things/people that will enrich my life. I'm thankful for the people in my life and I'm praying that some day God will bless me with a husband that will only add to the blessings I already have. I just have to keep convincing myself! :)
Completely random sidenote... on the way home for thanksgiving, I was in my third accident in a year. Thankfully everyone was safe. You can't even really see a whole lot of damage from the exterior but a cute little neon slid right up underneath my car and managed to do almost $3,000 worth of damage. By the way, none of the accidents have been my fault. I think in the five and a half years I've owned the CRV, I've almost replaced the entire car. Have no fear, it's in the shop and should be fixed sometime before 2008. In the meantime, I'm hitch hiking around Fayetteville thanks to some great chauffeurs. I appreciate the help kids!
Okay one more random sidenote... sometimes people will surprise you. I'm sometimes afraid to completely trust people, but I want to give you a shot... at the same time I don't want to get hurt. I think I've learned not to cut someone out before you give them a chance. Sometimes living here hasn't always been dreamy, but "monarchs forever" has given me a new outlook on what can be in a group of friends. I'm "forever" grateful.
For some, blogs are stupid. For some, blogs are a way to eavesdrop on their myspace "friends'" lives. For some, blogs are a survey posting system or a lyrics proclaimer. For me, they have been a way to release... sometimes a way to share... but usually a way to get out what I can't get off my mind. Sometimes I delve too deep or sometimes maybe not deep enough.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I had the opportunity to go home for a couple of days and I was determined to spend the time with my family. I did some Christmas shopping with my mom, had a movie night with my sister and hung out with the fam Thanksgiving day. I hadn't been home since the beginning of August so it was just comforting to be back on the shore. Sometimes I take home for granted but I'll always have a special place in my heart for the shore. My older brother and sister are crazy in their own ways but I'm so grateful for our relationships. As weird as our family is with siblings 22 years apart and a nephew older than his aunt... I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thanksgiving always ends up being a bit of a tease because my trip home is so short making me anticipate Christmas even more. I can't wait to go home again in a couple of weeks and visit friends and family. Of course whenever you see people you haven't seen in awhile, and you're 25 years old, everyone's bound to ask about your marital prospects. It's always fun to explain you're still single, or maybe you have to explain what happened to the guy you were dating the last time you saw them. Every time I think I'm ok with being single, I have to re-convince myself when I explain it to everyone else.
I was talking to a friend last week about finding "the one." There are a lot of people that say you'll find him/her when you least expect it or when you stop looking. I do believe sometimes we try too hard or we settle for stupid relationships just to be in a relationship. On the other hand, if I just sit in my office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the chances are slim that "the one" will waltz into my life. We say to let go of our problems and give them over to God, and I agree we shouldn't worry, but if I need a job, I still have to send out my resume, or make some connections to find a job opportunity. I'm not planning on sending my relationship resume to all the single guys in the world, but I am going to be satisfied with where I am in my life while still pursuing things/people that will enrich my life. I'm thankful for the people in my life and I'm praying that some day God will bless me with a husband that will only add to the blessings I already have. I just have to keep convincing myself! :)
Completely random sidenote... on the way home for thanksgiving, I was in my third accident in a year. Thankfully everyone was safe. You can't even really see a whole lot of damage from the exterior but a cute little neon slid right up underneath my car and managed to do almost $3,000 worth of damage. By the way, none of the accidents have been my fault. I think in the five and a half years I've owned the CRV, I've almost replaced the entire car. Have no fear, it's in the shop and should be fixed sometime before 2008. In the meantime, I'm hitch hiking around Fayetteville thanks to some great chauffeurs. I appreciate the help kids!
Okay one more random sidenote... sometimes people will surprise you. I'm sometimes afraid to completely trust people, but I want to give you a shot... at the same time I don't want to get hurt. I think I've learned not to cut someone out before you give them a chance. Sometimes living here hasn't always been dreamy, but "monarchs forever" has given me a new outlook on what can be in a group of friends. I'm "forever" grateful.
Friday, October 26, 2007
sleeplessness
Current mood: sleepy
There is the occasional night I find my head hitting the pillow and I fall right to sleep. Tonight is not one of them. I've found I sleep best when I can clear my head. I've been trying to read before bed in hopes I can escape into a story rather than become lost in my own thoughts racing around when I want to sleep. That one didn't really work tonight. I worked 14 hours today for the third day in a row and my eyes were asking for sleep but my head won't give in.
I think it's conviction. My heart is fighting with my head. I have old friendships that are struggling partially due to my lack of honesty along with my inability to forgive and forget... or maybe I've forgiven but can't seem to forget... but then again do I have to forget? but can I keep the friendship if can't forget? or am I willing to give up the friendship if I have to forget? I have new friendships that I may have screwed up before they even started. I'm still trying to master being honest with tact. I don't have the nerve to say what I really feel and then I start questioning if I should even feel that way. Is this how I really feel or have I let someone talk me into feeling it? Is there a deadline to determine how I really feel?
I'm just babbling hoping my fingers will find the peace my head and heart desire in order to catch a few zzz's tonight. Still searching...
There is the occasional night I find my head hitting the pillow and I fall right to sleep. Tonight is not one of them. I've found I sleep best when I can clear my head. I've been trying to read before bed in hopes I can escape into a story rather than become lost in my own thoughts racing around when I want to sleep. That one didn't really work tonight. I worked 14 hours today for the third day in a row and my eyes were asking for sleep but my head won't give in.
I think it's conviction. My heart is fighting with my head. I have old friendships that are struggling partially due to my lack of honesty along with my inability to forgive and forget... or maybe I've forgiven but can't seem to forget... but then again do I have to forget? but can I keep the friendship if can't forget? or am I willing to give up the friendship if I have to forget? I have new friendships that I may have screwed up before they even started. I'm still trying to master being honest with tact. I don't have the nerve to say what I really feel and then I start questioning if I should even feel that way. Is this how I really feel or have I let someone talk me into feeling it? Is there a deadline to determine how I really feel?
I'm just babbling hoping my fingers will find the peace my head and heart desire in order to catch a few zzz's tonight. Still searching...
Thursday, October 11, 2007
it's that time
Well you knew it was coming. It's that time of year. The last few weeks have held a lot of ups and downs. Not really huge ups or really huge downs... but enough to keep me on my toes. October 15th basketball practice starts. Why is this significant? I enjoy college basketball, but more relevant is the fact that fall sports do not usually end until a month after basketball starts. Basketball practice itself doesn't require much of me... it requires nothing of me really. Sure it means I have rosters to update and photos to take, but the time factor is miniscule. At the end of October we hosted our hoopla frenzy and including an exhibition game the day before, I've worked five basketball events while trying to balance the end of football, men's and women's soccer, volleyball and cross country.
Where's the up to this gripe session? Our women's soccer team went undefeated in conference play... again... allowing us to host the conference tournament. The ups continued with a tournament championship for the first time in school history giving us a bid to the NCAA Tournament... back-to-back bids after eleven years without a peek at postseason play. Of course I had checked the football schedule back in the spring and knew if we were able to get another bid, I would most likely not being able to see the game due to our final football home game that weekend. My fears were relieved when another SID offered to cover for me and my students stepped up to help me out. It seems I'm not very good at hiding my soccer fandom.
I knew going in the game would be tough. Everything we heard told us Roanoke was fast and had a few studs that would put our team to the test. I practiced with the team all week doing anything I could to help the cause. This team has not gone without its fair share of ups and downs this season. Two season-ending injuries to starters, another starter screwing herself off the team and all of a sudden we were down to 16 athletes. I could only hope the adversity would make them stronger.
Somewhere along the way I made some friends. I'm not sure if it's even "legal" to call them that, but the difference from a year ago is crazy. I always give them a hard time for ignoring me last season. Now they probably get sick of my interference... I'm probably too involved. Sometimes I think I want it more than they do. But you know more when you can't have it anymore. I've been able to connect with seniors facing their last game. It's a scary thought that hits you in that final season that you really can't grasp until it's over. As the season starts winding down you start to speak in lasts... my last day of fitness, my last conference tournament, my last tuesday practice... the freshmen don't get it. The sophomores don't really understand and I'm not sure juniors do either. You'd think we'd have a better grasp of it after just being high school seniors. But finishing a high school career is different when you know in a few months you'll be sporting a college uniform. The end of a college career brings more question marks and you wonder if you'll get another chance to play competitively outside of the annual alumni game. As a senior, how do you convince the rest of the team to play like it's their last game too... to forget about the beer back at school, the free weekends to go home or just two afternoons in a row without having to go to practice.
Last night I had to watch four more soccer careers end. It's such a roller coaster of emotions as I replay my own last game and struggle to find words to say something that would make it better. But I can't. I get glassy-eyed and make sure everyone has everything they need. I pat backs and get stats and then I just stand there because that's all I know how to do. I can't talk because then I'd cry. I can't cry because I'm supposed to be the strong one. I don't feel very strong because I know what it's like to play your last game in a Methodist uniform. But hopefully just being there, they know that I know at least a glimpse of what they feel.
A lot of people offer the pat answers... kind of like when someone dies... those responses like well she's in a better place, or at least you had the time with her that you did... they sound good but feel empty when you're the one dealing with loss. I don't mean to say death is the same as ending a collegiate athletic career, but that people respond similarly. After the game, people say well at least you made it this far or at least you got to play in college. Both very true things, but hard to put into perspective minutes after you just took off your cleats.
So I didn't have much to say last night... but I wanted to be there. Welcome them to the club... there are a host of us who have had to hang up the Methodist uniform but we all have choices about what we do afterwards. Some are coaching the game, some are playing in their free time, or maybe teaching their kids to play, and others may never put their cleats on again... but we'll still share the same bond. We wore the uniform, we gave it our all and when it's over we wonder if we did enough...
Where's the up to this gripe session? Our women's soccer team went undefeated in conference play... again... allowing us to host the conference tournament. The ups continued with a tournament championship for the first time in school history giving us a bid to the NCAA Tournament... back-to-back bids after eleven years without a peek at postseason play. Of course I had checked the football schedule back in the spring and knew if we were able to get another bid, I would most likely not being able to see the game due to our final football home game that weekend. My fears were relieved when another SID offered to cover for me and my students stepped up to help me out. It seems I'm not very good at hiding my soccer fandom.
I knew going in the game would be tough. Everything we heard told us Roanoke was fast and had a few studs that would put our team to the test. I practiced with the team all week doing anything I could to help the cause. This team has not gone without its fair share of ups and downs this season. Two season-ending injuries to starters, another starter screwing herself off the team and all of a sudden we were down to 16 athletes. I could only hope the adversity would make them stronger.
Somewhere along the way I made some friends. I'm not sure if it's even "legal" to call them that, but the difference from a year ago is crazy. I always give them a hard time for ignoring me last season. Now they probably get sick of my interference... I'm probably too involved. Sometimes I think I want it more than they do. But you know more when you can't have it anymore. I've been able to connect with seniors facing their last game. It's a scary thought that hits you in that final season that you really can't grasp until it's over. As the season starts winding down you start to speak in lasts... my last day of fitness, my last conference tournament, my last tuesday practice... the freshmen don't get it. The sophomores don't really understand and I'm not sure juniors do either. You'd think we'd have a better grasp of it after just being high school seniors. But finishing a high school career is different when you know in a few months you'll be sporting a college uniform. The end of a college career brings more question marks and you wonder if you'll get another chance to play competitively outside of the annual alumni game. As a senior, how do you convince the rest of the team to play like it's their last game too... to forget about the beer back at school, the free weekends to go home or just two afternoons in a row without having to go to practice.
Last night I had to watch four more soccer careers end. It's such a roller coaster of emotions as I replay my own last game and struggle to find words to say something that would make it better. But I can't. I get glassy-eyed and make sure everyone has everything they need. I pat backs and get stats and then I just stand there because that's all I know how to do. I can't talk because then I'd cry. I can't cry because I'm supposed to be the strong one. I don't feel very strong because I know what it's like to play your last game in a Methodist uniform. But hopefully just being there, they know that I know at least a glimpse of what they feel.
A lot of people offer the pat answers... kind of like when someone dies... those responses like well she's in a better place, or at least you had the time with her that you did... they sound good but feel empty when you're the one dealing with loss. I don't mean to say death is the same as ending a collegiate athletic career, but that people respond similarly. After the game, people say well at least you made it this far or at least you got to play in college. Both very true things, but hard to put into perspective minutes after you just took off your cleats.
So I didn't have much to say last night... but I wanted to be there. Welcome them to the club... there are a host of us who have had to hang up the Methodist uniform but we all have choices about what we do afterwards. Some are coaching the game, some are playing in their free time, or maybe teaching their kids to play, and others may never put their cleats on again... but we'll still share the same bond. We wore the uniform, we gave it our all and when it's over we wonder if we did enough...
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