remembering the past...

I preach (in the loosest sense of the word) a lot about getting over people. I've written a blog or two about replacing memories… Some people avoid good things because those things remind them of people who have hurt them. I created a whole theory where I encourage people (mainly myself) to go back and re-experience those things with new people to create new memories that will replace the painful ones. 

I still stand by it… immediately following a break-up or friend dumping scenario I always think it's helpful to create some distance and re-train your brain how to react to certain situations. When you're accustomed to texting a certain person all day or doing a certain thing with a certain person when you have a bad day, it takes some retraining to create new patterns. I think it's healthy to create space between yourself and the person who hurt you (or maybe who you hurt). It takes time to be able to go certain places or see things and not immediately break down or feel bitter at what was lost. 

However… at some point I can remember and not break. After years of practice, I've realized that there is a time when I can remember the "good ol' days" and smile. I have spent so much time "replacing memories" that I was not allowing myself to appreciate the good times I've had. It was as if I tried to convince myself those experiences, those relationships, didn't exist. 

I have been to Moe's with people who I will probably never go to Moe's with again. But I had such a good time when we went… I can still hear the laughter from the car rides across town and I don't want to forget it no matter how many more trips to Moe's I make. I have gone on road trips and gone on dates with people who I may never even see again… but that doesn't take away from the amazing memories I have with them. The weddings, the movies, the concerts, they all happened and the fact that they'll probably never happen again make them that much more irreplaceable. 

I want to let myself see a friend and laugh about something that happened five years ago. It doesn't mean we're going to be best friends again. It doesn't mean I'm calling all my ex-boyfriends in an attempt to rekindle something that doesn't exist (particularly since most of them are married)… it just means I'm allowing myself to appreciate the good. Can we actually balance the love and the hurt in a healthy way? I sure hope so. 

I'm still waiting.

Every once in awhile I see a friend post the "I don't wait anymore." blog on Facebook. It was actually written almost two years ago, but still gets plenty of traction. The blogger starts…

When I was 16, I got a purity ring. And when I was 25, I took it off. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band. “True Love Waits.” Waits. What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?  

Her story always grabs my attention even though I feel like I've read it countless times. It catches my eye because I have my own "purity ring." I got mine when I was 18, but I didn't wear it much when I was in college. At some point I put it back on. It looks like a wedding band, and it attracts a lot of questions. People usually ask if I'm married and I usually get embarrassed trying to explain what it means or why I wear it. I feel like wearing it on my middle finger of my right hand should be a big enough hint that I'm not married, but people still ask.

The story strikes me because it always makes me question my own motives. What am I waiting for? What's the point of the ring? And when the paranoia really sets in… Is the ring keeping me from getting married?  The blogger took off her ring to make a point that she wasn't going to sit around and wait to start her life when she got married. The blog ends…

I lived like I was waiting for something.
And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.
I already have Him … and He is everything. 

I can definitely understand her sentiment and I don't write this as a way to slap anyone who takes off their purity ring. I don't want to waste my life waiting for a man, but my ring doesn't mean True Love Waits for a Husband. My ring just means True Love Waits for a Husband Before Having Sex. 

There have been plenty of times that I think about taking it off again… whenever I re-read the chick's blog for starters! There have been plenty of moments I've wanted to throw the ring away and chuck my commitment right along with it. I don't want my "waiting" to just be another legalistic ritual to prove a point. I don't want my "waiting" to keep me from living. I don't want a ring to define me. 

But I've decided I'm still waiting… not to start living… not to find a husband (although that would be nice)… but I'm waiting to have sex. And I can wear a ring to remind me of my commitment without letting it define me. 

For now… I might change my mind the next time I read the blog. 

greatest proposals EVER...

There is a blog floating around Facebook encouraging people to focus on the marriage and not so much the proposal. I agree. Even with absolute no marriage experience, I'm completely confident that more time should be spent preparing for the marriage as compared to the proposal. I know that some women get suckered into the hype of a proposal and lose focus on the relationship. I also know that single women can get lost watching youtube proposals setting their expectations so high that any guy would come up short trying to meet them. I think it's unhealthy for a girl to give a guy a list of demands for a proposal because I would like to think that when it's right, the way he proposes doesn't matter.

On the other hand, I'm a sucker for a good proposal. I know I have to be careful not to take someone else's proposal and let it become my own expectations, but I would like to think I can be content with my own marital status while still being completely happy for someone else's fairytale moment. I feel a little better about the state of the world when I see people getting engaged rather than committing crimes or falling victim to another natural disaster. There's some comfort in seeing love rather than hate. 

Sometimes I need a good proposal binge and I have a few go-tos… I'm here to help you sort through all of the youtube proposals that claim to the best EVER!

Overall

Kandace + Corbin - This is probably one of my absolute favorites. The video itself is great, let alone the proposal. Corbin sets the perfect scene, pulls off the surprise element and delivers the best speech. I always love when family and friends are in on the surprise and can be there to celebrate. 

Will and Alison - I'm definitely biased when it comes to this one. Knowing Will makes this engagement more meaningful… and when the videographer's my bro-in-law, I have to give him a shout out. I love the planning that went into this and the way Barton was able to capture the day despite difficult camera shots! Washing her feet was the cherry on top. 

Big Productions

Matt and Ginny - One of the most popular youtube proposals… Matt made things difficult for the rest of the world. He nails the surprise aspect, has a quality movie trailer produced and throws in some humor on top of it. You always get bonus points for asking the dad too. The problem would be all of the copycats...

Justin Baldoni - This guy cheats a little bit since he's an actor with access to better resources than the average person. It's long… 27 minutes long… but he puts together a pretty sweet short film with a great message and surprises her with family. He did good.

Jesus

Gorilla Gun Man - This one is an oldie but a goodie. I love FCA so you know I have to love any kind of FCA proposal. I'm not such a fan of the proposal in front of thousands of sports fans that you don't know… but proposing in front of tons of kids who love you is pretty cool. He didn't even have to give a speech… but her surprise and the mass support makes this one of my favorites.

Love is a Violent Flame - I am very sure this would never happen to me because no guy in his right mind would let me sing with him in front of people. :) The fact that he can turn a simple worship experience into a proposal with such a smooth transition is impressive in itself. Sometimes we get weird about how to mix love for God and love for another person, but I think they do it right. 

God Gave Me You - He's blubbering a bit, but between the accent and his focus on Christ, I love it. They look so young, but I think he does it right when he invites her to spend time praying at the cross. 

Planning

The Six Year Plan - This couple takes the cake on planning ahead! The proposal itself is so simple, but personal to their relationship and a perfect way to end their six-year project. 

The Double Surprise - This guy definitely planned ahead with the double surprise. I love that the people inside didn't know what was going on either, but got to watch through the glass doors. Having her family show up is my favorite. 

Thoughtfulness

Branden's Proposal Extras - I love when the proposal is personal. He found a way to incorporate the people and moments that were important to them… fyi dancing is no longer required. 

Brad and Emily Lip Dub - I think flash mob/lib dubs are on their way out (I hope) but my favorite part is actually the letters and video she reads on the beach. It doesn't hurt that it ended at sunset… you can't go wrong at sunset on the beach!

Edited… I just found another one that I thought was worthy of the blog…
Clay and Lindsay

home...

Garden State is a movie that came out right after I moved to Tennessee for grad school. I arrived in Knoxville not knowing anyone and while I had a roommate and met some people at church and in class, it was pretty lonely. I think it really took me eight or nine months to find a place where I felt comfortable (figuratively speaking) and I was really only there for 10 months. Meanwhile, Garden State tells the story of "A quietly troubled young man [who] returns home for his mother's funeral after being estranged from his family for a decade."

Once I got past the first 10-15 minutes of drugs and f-bombs, I fell in love with the movie. I don't know that I was troubled, and I wasn't estranged from my family, but I felt like I could connect with Large's (Zach Braff) search for home during that period of my life. My favorite quote from the movie was…

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone… You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

When you're single in your 20s and 30s (and potentially beyond I suppose) it's easy to feel stuck in between "homes." The home you grew up in, that you long for, doesn't really exist anymore. And yet the home you think your future holds, that you long for, that doesn't exist either… at least not yet. There can be an awkward period in between that can make a person go crazy feeling homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I can be homesick longing for these things that don't exist… or I can embrace the places of "home" as I find them. 

I just spent my first weekend in Fayetteville since selling my house. I was without a "home," but I couldn't help but feel at home. I'm sure the fact that it was "homecoming" didn't hurt, but there's just something about driving on campus, or walking in Scrub Oaks or seeing some of my favorite people… that makes me feel at home. I know it was time for me to move back to Maryland when I did, but I will always consider Methodist another home away from home. I know it won't always be the same... At some point I'll go back to visit and no one will know who I am or be willing to spend four hours with me in the Lion's Den. But the Lion's Den.. the soccer field.. Weaver.. my old office… Just some of the place that will always remind me of the people that made it home for me. 

Home isn't a house or a place you can always go back to, but it's definitely the people and the memories from those places that I call home. 

an ode to my first house...

After one year, one month and 21 days, I have sold my house! The last 417 days of trying to sell my house have been an adventure to say the least, but I really am so grateful for the four years I spent on Albemarle and all of the people that have helped me through the purchase, the renovations, the move, all of it.

I started looking at buying a house in April of 2008. I was tired of paying rent and thought it could be a bit of an investment with three roommates. I figured I could always keep the house. I was in a college and military town, surely I could find people to rent it if I moved. The house always seemed to need work and during the summer of 2010 I did (well I hired some people to do) my big kitchen renovation. Two years later, I accepted a job in Maryland and needed to make some decisions about my house.

I know renting was an option, but I’m chicken. I was afraid of people messing up my house. I was afraid something big would break and I wouldn’t be able to afford to fix it. I was afraid I couldn’t charge enough to cover my mortgage. I was afraid if I found renters, they would leave and I’d be stuck with two mortgages or a mortgage and rent due. So I packed up my clothes and moved in with my parents, leaving my house behind.

Not many 30-year olds move in with their parents. I suppose it might happen more frequently these days, but it’s not usually ideal. I needed to reacclimate myself to living with my parents and adjust to a 120 mile round trip commute (compared to the three miles I was used to in Fayetteville). I told myself I could handle it until Christmas. Christmas came and went and there was not a lot of interest in my house. Really, the first seven months didn’t go so well and I eventually switched realtors in March. I think the combination of a lower price and the time of year helped me get some more looks. It’s not helpful when there are more than 20 houses for sale in your neighborhood, many of them foreclosures, but since pretty much eliminating renting as an option, I didn’t feel like I had another option, but to wait. If nothing else, I had a place to stay when I went back to visit and I could almost fool myself into thinking it was still home.

On Aug. 27 I received my first offer on the house. I accepted it the next day with plans to close Sept. 16. It sounded like as long as there weren’t any crazy issues that came up in the inspection on the 30th, we’d be good to go. The inspection came back pretty normal for a 50-year-old house, but after my realtor met with the buyer last Tuesday, my realtor said the buyer was 50-50. I was in limbo trying to figure out if the buyer was still on board and if she was, I needed to get down there and get my stuff out of the house. Finally, on Wednesday night at 8 p.m., my realtor said the buyer was on board and if I came down this weekend, we could close on Monday the 9th.

There’s always some risk that a contract could fall through up until closing, but my family took a risk and went down with me to get my stuff. We drove down and packed Friday, loaded the truck Saturday and then drove back and unloaded the truck Sunday. Between filling a four-bedroom house and having some pack rat tendencies, I have a lot of stuff. Somehow we survived and it was all worth it when my realtor called this morning to say it’s officially sold.

I’m already getting long-winded, but I need to at least attempt to thank my family and friends for their help. First of all, I’ve had boyfriends, friends and family who have helped me fix up my house. We have ripped off wallpaper, painted, caulked, hung decorations, installed ceiling fans, and did way too many hours of yard work. I didn’t make any money on the sale, but I know it wouldn’t have been close to breaking even without the changes we made.

During the last year I’ve had to rely on people in Fayetteville to keep an eye on my house. People cut my grass and dealt with my alarm issues… and you know you have real friends when they’re willing to clean up dead bugs for you!

I also had a ton of people help me move… both 14 months ago and this weekend. I know I couldn’t have done it without all of them. Whether it was moving a couch or packing a box or forcing me to throw away my papers from college, it was needed and I’m grateful. I know I have an awesome network of people when I can have a house full of people in Fayetteville helping me load a truck and drive back to see family waiting to help me unload the truck in Maryland.

My parents definitely deserve some sort of award. Not only have they dealt with a rent-free roommate for the last year, but they agreed to let me stick around for a few more months while I try to save some money… and then still made the trip to Fayetteville and bought a bunch of my family and friends meals over the weekend. To top it off, when I called my dad to let him know it’s official, he said my parents want to take me to dinner tonight to celebrate. Shouldn’t I be taking them to dinner?? I hope I can be as generous and supportive as they are.

I know people buy and sell houses all the time… but I don’t… so I want to remember it. I learned a ton about patience and trusting in God’s timing over the last few years. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and listening to me vent. I wouldn’t change a moment of my time on Albemarle, but I know this last year prepared me to say goodbye. I am no longer a homeowner!

Before and Afters...

   

   

My house in a truck...

thirty one...

31 is not exactly a special number... but I celebrated 31 years yesterday. Most people stop celebrating birthdays after 21. It's probably the last one that means anything in particular. I however continue to insist on celebrating as much as possible and I refuse to fear aging. After an awesome birthday surrounded by people who are willing to pretend like turning 31 is a momentous occasion, I can't help but look back and be grateful. 

I'm not sure I would have ever guessed this is where I'd be at 31. I used to take a lot of pride in having a plan. My plan went out the window as soon as I graduated college. I'm not sure much of my life has stayed on script since, but I am even more appreciative for all of the experiences. 

When I think about 31 I'm thankful that... 

... I live within an hour of my brother and sisters

... my parents have graciously taken me in

... I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for

... I get to play soccer twice a week

... I have a job in college athletics

... I own a house... kind of... but feel free to buy it if you'd like

... I have a lot of funny dating stories that might be good enough for a book someday

Let's keep celebrating birthdays. Let's keep celebrating life. Here's to 31!

it's worth it...

I've always been a believer in honesty... for other people. I want people to be honest with me and I'm always more hurt (and usually more angry) when I find out about something after the fact than if I had heard about it initially. I can't stand to think that someone would be afraid to tell me something (I can't be that intimidating right?!) or that someone would be that mean to not tell me the truth in the beginning. 

I have numerous examples of situations when I got mad (usually to disguise the hurt) at friends and/or family after I found out from someone else something I think they should have told me. In some cases, it probably would have hurt if they had told me initially, but I've always argued I would be less mad if I could hear it from them. In most cases, I really think I wouldn't be mad if they had just told me. In most cases, I just want to know that people trust me with the truth. 

All of my arguments sounded great until I was faced with an honesty dilemma. I made a decision and felt like I needed to share it with a friend. I also felt like if I shared it, I was going to hurt her. At the same time, there was a good chance someone else would tell her if I didn't and I knew that would hurt more. If I was going to practice what I preached, I had to be honest... now rather than later. 

It sounds so melodramatic now, but the conversation couldn't have gone better. I beat around the bush for a little bit and probably caused some unnecessary confusion, but when all was said and done, I had been holding on to all of this anxiety and guilt over something that wasn't even affecting my friend. She may not have even cared if I had never told her and someone else had, but I would have spent countless hours stressed and burdened wondering about it if I hadn't just had the conversation. 

If we really trust each other... if we're really friends... we can speak the truth in love. And even better... we can hear it and respond in love too. It's worth it.