purpose in death...

I have always struggled with death... particularly untimely or unexpected death. I feel like we all sit around and try to come up with the right things to say to make us feel better, but when it comes down to it, we don't want anyone we care about to die before us. We would prefer not to have to go through loss or grief, but yet somehow we try to trust God's ways are better than our ways.

Last Sunday, Pastor Cook was talking about dealing with death and referenced Isaiah 57. I don't know why I hadn't heard it before or maybe I just wasn't paying attention before, but it starts... "The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

I found one commentary that said, "Here Isaiah observed that the premature death of a righteous man may well be a loving gift given by the LORD. What a powerful pair of verses to recall or to share when someone we know dies young. What assurance, here in the Old Testament, that upon dying those who walk uprightly 'enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.'"

In the moment, immediately after losing someone, I'm not sure if the scripture would provide comfort, but it is the best I've found. When I think about the people I've known who have died young, it helps to know they have been spared from evil. It is hard for me to be selfish and want them here on my account knowing they would experience pain or suffering.

Pastor Cook used a story after he did a funeral for a one month old and the family was trying to explain death to her older brother. The boy responded, "I know all that, but I still miss her." And really... I think that's ok... good even. I'm not sure I want to stop missing the people I've lost... but I take comfort in knowing God's ways are better than mine... that they may have been spared from evil. Gone but not forgotten...

happy anniversary...

Nothing monumental today... except I am celebrating the three-week anniversary with my iPhone. A few years ago, I didn't have a smart phone and really wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. Everyone started getting blackberry's and I was convinced it would help me be more productive. After my brother-in-law got the iPhone, I compromised and went with the blackberry storm, what I thought would be the next best thing. It did what I needed it to... most of the time, but for the last few months I was ready to throw it out the window. I was counting down until I could go get a new phone this month.

During the last few months of frustration, I was constantly interviewing everyone around me to get their opinion on phones. My employer decided to actually integrate our e-mail with iPhones and droids so I was torn between the two. Verizon released their iPhone making it a realistic option for me (AT&T is awful on campus), but questioned whether I take a risk with a new slightly untested product.

After playing with a friend's Verizon iPhone and getting to see how much better video quality compared to the droid... I bit the bullet and went for the iPhone. Without completely boring you with the my love for the iPhone... I am loving it!

The top reasons why you too should purchase a Verizon iPhone...
1. Verizon is always better than ATT&T

2. After three weeks my phone has frozen 0 times
3. The touch screen is light years better than the storm.
4. The e-mail integration is so much better.
5. I have yet to have a web site not open because it's too large.
6. My app memory seems endless compared to the blackberry limits.
7. I don't have to worry about an annoying red light flashing at my inability to check messages fast enough.
8. My phone also serves as a flashlight for those desperate occasions.
9. It syncs easily with my iPod and iTunes.
10. The best reason... my monthly bill is cheaper. Can't go wrong.

And yes... I just wrote an entire blog about my phone. This is how exciting my life is! :)

fear...

I've been thinking a lot about fear. I don't think I get scared very easily. I'm not scared of dying... I'm not scared of bugs... I'm not scared of heights or small spaces... However, a few nights ago I was in a situation when I was really scared. I tried to remember the last time before that when I was scared and couldn't... but those feelings of fear came right back like they had never left. I realized very quickly, I am most scared when the people around me that I love and care about are in danger.

During the situation I had way too much time to react. My first response was I can fix this... a friend is in trouble, I can fix it. My second response... was uh oh, this isn't working, I failed... I better pray. Third... my prayer isn't working, I'm starting to freak out... At some point, I reconnected my head and my heart and I just kept praying over and over and then started reading scripture. Something... anything to replace the fear in my brain. I felt this constant tug to just keep reading, keep praying... to not give up on Him. Finally... the storm started to pass and our crisis was appearing less threatening.

What do you do when you're scared? We talked after FCA tonight about getting out of our comfort zone. It reminded me of fear... most of us don't want to step outside of our comfort zone because we're afraid of what's out there. We see a snake, or a dark alley and we run the other direction. We're always taught to run away from trouble... yet we need to remember to run to Him. Keep praying... keep reading... even when it looks like it's not working... He's listening. One step at a time. 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 18-19

blame...

I was trying to talk to a friend this week about connecting the old and new testaments of the bible. Reading the bible is not always the most popular thing to do and the old testament is usually not my cup of tea.I can read the Psalms for some encouragement... and there are some good stories in Genesis and Exodus.... and I love the faith of Ruth. It can be easy to leave the old testament in the past... as everything that was part of the old covenant. I'm grateful for God sending Jesus.. and creating the new covenant. I'm not so fond of sacrificing animals and following all of the laws from Leviticus. I do love when I can see the connection from the old to the new testament, helping me put it all together.

I was reminded of the lesson I learned more than five years ago in a bible study when I was living in Tennessee. Our teacher was connecting the day of atonement from Leviticus 16 to Jesus' crucifixion in John 19 to Hebrews 10. I had never found any point in reading Leviticus 16, but loved seeing it play out in the new testament.

Check out Leviticus 16:20-22 first... 20 “When Aaron has finished making atonement for the Most Holy Place, the tent of meeting and the altar, he shall bring forward the live goat. 21 He is to lay both hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the wickedness and rebellion of the Israelites—all their sins—and put them on the goat’s head. He shall send the goat away into the wilderness in the care of someone appointed for the task. 22 The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a remote place; and the man shall release it in the wilderness.

The whole chapter is talking about the Day of Atonement. Israel’s annual Day of Atonement was something like a spiritual spring cleaning. It was a day of national mourning and repentance. The whole ceremony is outlined through chapter 16. Aaron secured the necessary sacrificial animals: a bull for his own sin offering and two male goats for the people’s sin offering; two rams, one for Aaron’s and the other for the people’s burnt offering. In verses 20-22, it's talking about the second goat, the one which was kept alive, had the sins of the nation symbolically laid on its head, and was driven from the camp to a desolate place, from which it must never return.

Azazel is the Hebrew word for "scapegoat." They say, the literal translation would be something along the line of “the going-away goat” or the “disappearing goat” or the “entire-removal goat”. Which is cool that it's not the goat that is "taking the blame," but really the entire removal.

Fast forward to John 19:15. 15 But they shouted, “Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!” “Shall I crucify your king?” Pilate asked. “We have no king but Caesar,” the chief priests answered.

The guy who taught me the lesson was talking about how this translation of "take him away" and the original goat being taken away is so similar. John 19 tells the story of Jesus' being put to death... really on account of our screw-ups and not just to take the blame, but to really remove the blame and the sins.

Hebrews 10:3-4. 3 But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins. 4 It is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. This marks the new covenant... where after Jesus, we don't have to keep sacrificing animals like they did in Leviticus. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice.

Then there's Hebrews 13:11-13. 11 The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. 12 And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. 13 Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore.

Here, it's telling us Jesus was taken outside the city to die... similar to the goat on the Day of Atonement taken outside the city.

It feels really wordy and intellectual and not very emotional or feel good... but I think there's a lesson in the scapegoat. Today, scapegoat is always just the person taking the blame. We mess up, we take the blame, feel guilty or bad about ourselves and we carry it around with us. Jesus didn't just take the blame. He took all of our mess-ups and has removed them. We can stop blaming ourselves... we can stop carrying them around... we just have to let Him remove them.

short-term memory...

One of my friends is a single parent and we were talking about the effects dating might have on her child. Her kid is only 15 months old so I was trying to assure her... even if she dated a guy for six months and they broke up, the odds of her kid being traumatized or remembering the ex were slim to none. She acknowledged her son did recognize people and if he didn't see his grandmother for a couple of weeks, would "ask" about her... but even if his grandmother wasn't in his life anymore, how long would it take for him to forget her? At what age, could a single parent traumatize a kid by bringing boy/girlfriends in and out of his/her life?

I read an article that said, "From the ages of 5 to 10, children tend to be possessive of their mothers and do not want to share them with anyone else. Also, young children do not see a difference between cohabiting and marriage. So once a new partner moves in, a young child may feel that her parent has remarried." It also says, "An older child may have difficulty watching his mother be with another man because, in a sense, he is dealing with his mother's sexuality. She may feel as though her mother is behaving like a teen."

It doesn't say anything about kids from 0 to 5, so perhaps it's free game? I tried to think back to when I was 3 or 4... It's hard for me to distinguish between what I remember versus what I'm reminded of through pictures. The first loss I really remember was when I was eight years old and my aunt passed away. Even at eight, I'm not sure how much I remember and it frustrates me. I remember pieces of her, but I feel like what was even more traumatizing was watching the people around me deal with her loss as much as I was struggling with her actual loss.

I'm not a single parent, so what's my point? The whole conversation made me think about how long it takes for us to get over people as we get older. When we're in middle school and a friend moves away, we're upset at first, we might even write for a little while, but then we move on with no real long-term effects. After high school we go to college and lose touch with a ton of people and I'm sure it effects people differently but we move on and make new friends. Now... in post-college.. adult world... how does losing people affect us? Sometimes people die, sometimes they move away and sometimes they just walk away... but we have to be able to respond and move forward.

Most of the people in my life that have moved away and/or walked away from our friendship/relationship have hurt a ton. I don't deal with change all that well... especially when it comes to my relationships with people. I feel like I've been brutally honest in my journey through relationships, but I feel like while it never seems possible initially, I get to a point where I see the person again, or talk to them and realize I'm not missing anything. Maybe it won't work for everyone... and I know I can never say never (beiber shoutout) especially in actual dating relationships (how do I not ask "what if")... but usually... God reminds me He knew what He was doing all along and I just need to trust Him. Today... I'm grateful for that.

our america...

One of the new shows on Oprah's network OWN is Lisa Ling's "Our America." I saw her profile the show on Oprah and made sure to set a reminder to record.

The first episode "Faith Healers" left me thinking. I appreciate Ling's style and felt like she was honest and real in her presentation of the subject even if I don't always agree. The story documents MorningStar Ministries in Fort Hill, S.C. while Ling covers a "healing signs and wonders conference." She introduces people looking for healing and those hoping to do the healing including Todd Bentley... a Christian evangelist with a pretty public fall from grace after announcing his separation from his wife before taking a break and trying to rebuild his reputation through MorningStar.

One of the people attending the conference is Steve. After a car crash at 18, Steve was left with brain injury and a speech impediment. Then 15 years ago he fell off a roof and was paralyzed in his lower body. He believes God told him to go to the conference and he would be healed. Steve is convinced he'll be healed during the last session of the conference. Debbie and Sherri have brought their mom Carol who is suffering with cancer and they believe she will be healed.

During the conference Ling watches as people are laid out and what they hope is healed. During the last scene, we see Bentley lay hands on Steve during the last session and Ling shares her thoughts through tears...

"I don't even want to be near him because this is the moment he has been waiting for, for 15 years. I am just praying really really hard right now. For three days I wondered what would happen if the promised miracles didn't apear. What would happen to Carol and Debbie and Sherri? What would happen to the thousands of others who had come here seeking healing? What would happen to Steve who knew beyond doubt that tonight was his night."

Steve's response... "Last night, Saturday night, I thought that was my night. But evidently it wasn't."

Ling commented, "Steve sitting in that wheelchair, who could have been really devastated by the fact that he didn't walk on the night that he thought he was going to walk. But then he transferred that energy to me immediately. That was amazing. As Steve laid his hands on me, I began to understand something for the first time. Maybe I was the one that was expecting too much."

That moment touched me too. Here he was realizing his dream of being healed wasn't coming true. This incredible hope and faith he placed in this experience had just "failed" and he was hoping to still bless someone else. To me... that is true faith.

Ling asks Bentley, "What are you hoping that we take away from this experience? people who are watching this?"

"I hope they take away an openness," he said. "Religion doesn't have all the answers just sometimes like medicine doesn't have all the answers. I'd hope people would walk away with faith and an openness that to say, 'hey if you're real God come and meet me in my circumstance and help me in my life.' The bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick. When people don't have hope they get sick. They get discouraged. People need to know no matter how dark and how much they've fallen you can always start over again. You can always get up again. You can always move forward."

Ling tried to wrap up her experience, "The conclusions here were for me were not easy ones.  Todd's road to a comeback still seemed built on a tenuous promise of miracles, no matter how sincere. Carol, whom I never did get to see again, went back to Georgia. When we last spoke Debbie and Sherri told me her cancer steadily been getting worse. But I did learn something unexpected here. Lives could be genuinely changed. Hope could transform and faith could empower."

A girl spoke and said, "A year ago to this day, I almost died. Like I was getting abused, beaten that's when it hit me. That's when I realized Greater is God who is in me than the person that was trying to kill me and it healed me."

"Maybe faith was its own reward," Ling said.

Steve wrapped up his experience, "I'd like to be healed, yeah, but if I don't, this is just a brief period, a blink compared to eternity. You know, we'll all be given new glorified bodies in heaven."

"I came into this with a very preconceived idea of what it was going to be and that there was going to be a lot of manipulation and false hope and I'm leaving here thinking that I don't think there's such thing as false hope," Ling said.

I'm not sure she convinced me there isn't false hope. Steve demonstrated his hope was just placed in something bigger than just being healed. So yes, hope in a healer that didn't heal would be false... but Steve is saying he has hope in a God that even if he doesn't heal him here on earth, he believes he'll be healed in heaven.

I'm grateful for Ling's experience and I'm hopeful for a faith like Steve's.

Watch the Full Episode

giving...

There are a ton of charities and non-profit organizations... a ton of good ones. Sometimes it can be very overwhelming to hear all of the good things they are doing and not be able to help everyone.

I've written before about supporting Compassion through my sponsorship of Juliet in Ghana. For more than a year now, I've been sending money and letters to Juliet hoping to make a difference in her life.

On Thursday night, a non-profit group, Invisible Children, came to Methodist to share their story. "In the spring of 2003, three young filmmakers traveled to Africa in search of a story. What started out as a filmmaking adventure transformed into much more when these boys from Southern California discovered a tragedy that disgusted and inspired them, a tragedy where children are both the weapons and the victims." (from invisiblechildren.com) I went as a favor... and honestly a little bit of a skeptic not sure what I'd feel at the end of it.

Instead, I spent an hour engaged in their film... laughing and crying. There was a part of me that could have quit my job right then and there and signed up to become a roadie. Instead, I bought a bracelet and went home to watch tv. Is that enough? 

Check out an introduction to Tony...

Tony Bracelet: Trailer from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

Tony's story is hard to hear in and of itself. His mom died of HIV and we watched them dig her grave and cover it up. Yet, it was Nate's story that really broke me. His personality and energy seemed so contagious and he was really making a difference. I can only pray his story will be used to help more people.

Read more about Nate

There are so many more worthwhile charities I could share including World Vision (world poverty and hunger), the Home Foundation (human trafficking) and Houses of Hope (orphan homes in Africa). The question usually comes up about why we spend so much time and money helping people in other countries when there are so many Americans struggling right here "in our own backyard." I think there is plenty for us to do here, but I also believe in not neglecting our neighbors. Right here in Fayetteville, I have the opportunity to donate to my church, my alma mater, and Operation Inasmuch just to name a few. There are so many other organizations across America working to help people... we could be here all day listing them.

All of this to say, one of my favorite organizations ever is FCA... or Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I've been a part of FCA since high school and it's been well documented how much of an impact the group has had on my life. Recently I've had the pleasure of meeting one of our local FCA rep's Quinn Evans... I have been truly inspired by everything she is doing through FCA. The coolest thing about Quinn's story these days is her ability to serve not only in her "backyard" of the North Carolina Triangle... but is now taking FCA overseas to serve our neighbors.

The moral of my story... we can't give everything to everyone, but we should give what we can... whether it's time... money or some other resources... people need us. And as a Christian, I believe God has asked us to and while I don't want it to ever be my only reason, I want to be obedient. Let's give...