kallie jean

I always told everyone I wanted 12 children. I first thought I'd want 12 children after reading Cheaper by the Dozen (yes there's a book and yes it's so much better than the Steve Martin/Bonnie Hunt movie version). The longer it took to get married, the more unrealistic 12 children became. Ok let’s be honest, 12 children may have always been a bit unrealistic, getting married at 32 just made it more obvious. Of course now we’re less than a month from our fifth anniversary and we have three. Six years ago I was living in Maryland and I wasn’t even sure Steve and I could date.

After having two kids we talked a lot about number three. My doctor has assured me that while my pregnancy was considered geriatric.. women much older than me have children. And yet every pregnancy has made me feel more geriatric. We found out in November that Kallie was a girl. Steve was adorably thrilled. I was a bit more apprehensive.. partially because I was dreading all the pink, frilly, glitter harassment from friends and fam.. and partially because I was nervous about learning how to be a girl mom.

I was due May 2, but my history of c-sections meant we were able to schedule Kallie’s arrival at 39 weeks on Saturday, April 25. After having Lucas in the heart of flu season and dealing with hospital visitor restrictions (no one under 12), we were praying restrictions would be lifted by April. Meanwhile, COVID-19 started making interrupting things in March. Before we knew it the hospital was eliminating all visitors with a few exceptions. Thankfully, labor and delivery patients were allowed one visitor, but once you leave you can’t come back.

My parents came down to watch the boys.. essential travel in the middle of a stay at home order. With Lucas, Britt went to daycare and my parents came to the hospital. Having a baby on a Saturday, in a pandemic, with no daycare, and no other visitors made my parents heroes for taking care of the boys. Steve and I arrived Saturday morning and had to wait to check in, but our awesome nurse Dominique came and brought us to a room to prep. My favorite anesthesiologist, Vicki, found us. My doctor reviewed everything and then eventually I went to the operating room while Steve had to go to the waiting room. I always tell people the weirdest things about a scheduled c-section (especially after the first wasn’t scheduled) is walking into the operating room and hopping up on the table. Vicki gave me the cocktail of the day and I got a catheter but I started to feel nauseous and so uncomfortable. Thankfully, we adjusted (or I got used to it?) and settled in. Steve arrived and took his place by my head. Vicki is so kind to talk me through everything. There was a ton of pressure as they pulled Kallie out and then I could relax once I heard her crying. When she came out people remarked about how big she looked, but she’s actually our smallest baby. The NICU doctor took what felt like forever to evaluate her, but Steve told me she had pooped on them and we found out she swallowed a bunch of secretions on her way out so they had to suction her out a bunch. Thankfully we haven’t seen any issues since.

Eventually, Steve got to hold Kallie and bring her over to me. In that moment, there is so much love and so much relief. She was here. She was healthy. I felt safe. There has been so much anxiety in the world around COVID-19.. people anxious about germs.. anxious about the economy.. anxious about their jobs and bills.. anxious about being alone or anxious about being stuck in close quarters with the wrong people or just too many people. But on Saturday morning just before 10 am, it all went away for a brief moment. And then we went right back to that underlying anxiety of a parent trying to provide all the things for this tiny human.

The only other side effect from the pandemic was that Steve had to go back to the waiting room when I went to recovery. It sucked, but we were so thankful he could be there at all that it wasn’t worth dwelling on. Recovery took forever while we waited on a room and I was exhausted, but at some point that afternoon we had a room!

We spent the next 44ish hours in room 45 in and out of sleep, feedings, and delirium. We were blessed with awesome hospital nurses and staff, but were more than ready to come home Monday morning.

Please excuse my ramble but I want to remember what last Saturday felt like. Kallie Jean, I love you. I pray you’ll always know that. I pray that you’ll know God’s love for you and put your faith in Him first. I pray you become a strong, secure, Christ follower. Let’s do this!

it's not time yet...

Nine days ago I sat in our University bookstore and watched our pending graduates go through the process of ordering their caps and gowns. I certainly don't know as many students as I did when I worked in athletics, but I've still been fortunate enough to get to know a bunch of these seniors. Some of them have had dinner in my home or even taken care of my kiddos. I went to their games, I've written letters of recommendation for them, I've listened to their friend problems, and I generally tried to encourage them as they tackled the adventure that we like to call the "best four years of your life."

Nine days ago, people were getting anxious about COVID-19 in the United States, but it still felt a little premature. One of the graduates mentioned she was worried about graduation and I really hadn't even thought about not having graduation. The next day the NCAA canceled winter and spring championships and it felt so premature. I can't imagine what that felt like for all of those student-athletes. There were literally games in progress that everyone just walked away from... some of those student-athletes will never play their sport competitively again. Following the NCAA announcement, conferences across the country made the difficult decision to cancel spring competition. Everyone knows it was necessary, but it doesn't make it any less painful. There are student-athletes who were just shy of breaking a record. There are student-athletes who had high hopes for a Cinderella season. There are student-athletes who were dreaming of a winning season. And it's gone. My heart aches for the unfinished seasons... the unfinished dreams.

One of the more frustrating parts of this is the idea that people think the NCAA granting another year of eligibility will make everything better. Maybe that works in Division I or even Division II, particularly for scholarship student-athletes, but how many Division III student-athletes are going to come back for another year or even take off a semester and come back in the spring to finish their careers? TCNJ women's lacrosse senior may have summarized it best when she was quoted as saying, "We're not going to come back, we just can't afford to do that. A lot of us have already planned our future. We have jobs, we're moving away, whatever the case is. It's good in theory that they are giving more eligibility but it's just not an option in Division III for us.”

Again, not the NCAA's fault let alone is there any conference or institution to blame, but it just sucks and there's no bandaid to make it all better. Someday I hope we can look back and say it was all worth it. It wasn't easy last week and I'm not sure it was any easier this week, but I hope they can mourn the loss, find closure and still look back fondly on all that they accomplished as a collegiate athlete.

This week we joined a number of other Universities and made another difficult decision to cancel graduation. I know there are so many graduates who are still mourning that loss. They have worked so hard and spent a lot of money to be able to earn that opportunity. Thankfully, we have an opportunity for them to celebrate in December during our Winter Commencement, but I know that doesn't all of a sudden make it all better. I am praying that our spring grads will return to celebrate with us in December. They earned it.

I want to be able to fix this, but I think this one is beyond my area of expertise. I'm praying for all of those impacted by the pandemic no matter how trivial your impact may seem.

madi and pilot pete

There are so many important things going on in the world right now like coronavirus and a messy election, but what brings me out of my blogging coma.. the Bachelor. It's a joke to most educated, responsible people, but it has been a guilty pleasure of mine for at least the last 15 years. Most of the time it captures my attention to escape in the drama knowing "at least things aren't that bad for me." Sometimes I get caught up analyzing the way people connect (or don't) and sometimes I'm just a sucker for a good love story.

This season has been a mess. The Bachelor, Peter Weber, finished third on Hannah Brown's season of The Bachelorette, and all season long they've teased us with possible outcomes to the show that might have included Hannah B or a producer let alone any of the actual women on his season of the show. Madi Prewitt was a frontrunner this season from the beginning. She had the first one-on-one date and Peter took her to his parents' vow renewal. She stayed out of the drama with the other women on the show and seemed to be a steady constant for Peter. And then... they got to the final three which traditionally means fantasy suites which traditionally means sex.

Timeout for more background/history of the show: While many viewers and "contestants" assume sex and think everyone should expect and accept sex, it has not been a given. Nick Viall has been open about only sleeping with one woman, Hannah Brown was open about not wanting to sleep with one of her guys and Sean Lowe said in his book that he didn't sleep with any of his final three. Nearly all (if not all) leads (the bachelor or bachelorette) acknowledge the most important thing about the fantasy suite is time with each of the final three without cameras.

Essentially Madi told Peter (in not so clear terms initially) that she would have a hard time moving forward with him if he slept with the other two contestants. Some people felt like that wasn't fair of her to expect that of him. She made it the most clear to me when she asked how she was supposed to accept a proposal six days after he slept with someone else. I don't think she was slut shaming him or forcing her beliefs on him as much as she was sharing where she was in their relationship despite the fact that he was still in relationships with two other women.

Fast forward to the final two. Madi gets some grief for accepting a rose after Peter was honest with her about being "intimate" with the other two women. Did she go back on her word? Did she compromise her beliefs? I think she was still processing and needed more time. The tradition of final two is to meet the lead's family. Madi went second and she and Peter had a long conversation outside (that evidently annoyed Peter's family) while they tried to resolve some of their fantasy suite issues. While sometimes painfully drug out, I thought it was refreshing to see a couple work through conflict and while they hadn't solved all of their problems, they seemed adorably in love. Peter's family wasn't so convinced and really put them through the ringer with questions.

Presumably the next day, Peter and Madi have their final date before he has to choose. She is visibly struggling during a helicopter ride and then once they reach the perfect remote spot to chat on a blanket, she ends things with him. This is the part that really hit home for me. I have had multiple conversations with guys I loved (or thought I did) trying to break up with them knowing my faith didn't align with their faith and our lifestyles were too different. I know there are couples who have found a way to make it work, but I spent a lot of time in prior relationships trying to lessen my faith to make a relationship work... especially when everything else was working great. Looking back I know everything else wasn't working great and I shouldn't have to lessen any part of me to make a relationship work, but I feel like I've been in Madi's shoes (minus the whole tv show thing) and I felt for her as she struggled through that conversation and had to walk away.

Fast forward to the finale and Peter ended his engagement and Chris Harrison filled in Madi. Madi admitted she wasn't over Peter and flew out to LA to confess her feelings for him. It seemed like a happy reunion, but they had an uphill battle ahead. On stage, there was still a lot of uncertainty and they seemed a little distant. Peter's family was not supportive (to say the least) and there was a part of me that wanted them to make it to spite his family. I kept hoping Peter would come to his senses and find his own passion for faith like Madi, but that was not to be as a few days later they announced they were going their separate ways.

Why do I feel the need to recap the last couple of weeks of The Bachelor when you could have just watched it yourself or read your own recap on any number of websites? I'm not exactly sure, other than it was so eerily familiar while still feeling like a lifetime ago. I'm so grateful for God's steadfastness to help me walk away from those relationships... sometimes with some help from the guy... so that I could sit here years later with an amazing husband and (almost) three (usually) adorable kiddos. It doesn't always feel worth it in the moment, but it really is.

*Clarifying to say not every prior relationship falls into this category. I certainly tried the alternative thinking if I just found a Godly man, that God would bless that relationship and that certainly doesn't always work either!