remembering the past...

I preach (in the loosest sense of the word) a lot about getting over people. I've written a blog or two about replacing memories… Some people avoid good things because those things remind them of people who have hurt them. I created a whole theory where I encourage people (mainly myself) to go back and re-experience those things with new people to create new memories that will replace the painful ones. 

I still stand by it… immediately following a break-up or friend dumping scenario I always think it's helpful to create some distance and re-train your brain how to react to certain situations. When you're accustomed to texting a certain person all day or doing a certain thing with a certain person when you have a bad day, it takes some retraining to create new patterns. I think it's healthy to create space between yourself and the person who hurt you (or maybe who you hurt). It takes time to be able to go certain places or see things and not immediately break down or feel bitter at what was lost. 

However… at some point I can remember and not break. After years of practice, I've realized that there is a time when I can remember the "good ol' days" and smile. I have spent so much time "replacing memories" that I was not allowing myself to appreciate the good times I've had. It was as if I tried to convince myself those experiences, those relationships, didn't exist. 

I have been to Moe's with people who I will probably never go to Moe's with again. But I had such a good time when we went… I can still hear the laughter from the car rides across town and I don't want to forget it no matter how many more trips to Moe's I make. I have gone on road trips and gone on dates with people who I may never even see again… but that doesn't take away from the amazing memories I have with them. The weddings, the movies, the concerts, they all happened and the fact that they'll probably never happen again make them that much more irreplaceable. 

I want to let myself see a friend and laugh about something that happened five years ago. It doesn't mean we're going to be best friends again. It doesn't mean I'm calling all my ex-boyfriends in an attempt to rekindle something that doesn't exist (particularly since most of them are married)… it just means I'm allowing myself to appreciate the good. Can we actually balance the love and the hurt in a healthy way? I sure hope so. 

I'm still waiting.

Every once in awhile I see a friend post the "I don't wait anymore." blog on Facebook. It was actually written almost two years ago, but still gets plenty of traction. The blogger starts…

When I was 16, I got a purity ring. And when I was 25, I took it off. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band. “True Love Waits.” Waits. What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?  

Her story always grabs my attention even though I feel like I've read it countless times. It catches my eye because I have my own "purity ring." I got mine when I was 18, but I didn't wear it much when I was in college. At some point I put it back on. It looks like a wedding band, and it attracts a lot of questions. People usually ask if I'm married and I usually get embarrassed trying to explain what it means or why I wear it. I feel like wearing it on my middle finger of my right hand should be a big enough hint that I'm not married, but people still ask.

The story strikes me because it always makes me question my own motives. What am I waiting for? What's the point of the ring? And when the paranoia really sets in… Is the ring keeping me from getting married?  The blogger took off her ring to make a point that she wasn't going to sit around and wait to start her life when she got married. The blog ends…

I lived like I was waiting for something.
And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.
I already have Him … and He is everything. 

I can definitely understand her sentiment and I don't write this as a way to slap anyone who takes off their purity ring. I don't want to waste my life waiting for a man, but my ring doesn't mean True Love Waits for a Husband. My ring just means True Love Waits for a Husband Before Having Sex. 

There have been plenty of times that I think about taking it off again… whenever I re-read the chick's blog for starters! There have been plenty of moments I've wanted to throw the ring away and chuck my commitment right along with it. I don't want my "waiting" to just be another legalistic ritual to prove a point. I don't want my "waiting" to keep me from living. I don't want a ring to define me. 

But I've decided I'm still waiting… not to start living… not to find a husband (although that would be nice)… but I'm waiting to have sex. And I can wear a ring to remind me of my commitment without letting it define me. 

For now… I might change my mind the next time I read the blog.