soundtracks...

It's crazy how intertwined music becomes in relationships. Couples have songs that remind them of each other. We have songs that remind us of a particular moment with a person. We have breakup songs and moving on songs. I'm grateful for music that helps to tell a story.

I've always been hesitant to give a relationship "Our Song" as Taylor Swift so eloquently sings. I vividly remember a "crowd" (I use the term loosely in 12-year old standards) asking two of my friends in sixth grade what their song was and they immediately responded, "I Swear." (Although I think Rachel will adamantly deny it-- I witnessed it.) Now anytime I hear the song all I can think about are Rachel and Joey (and no not from those Friends). Adorable? Maybe if they had lasted through the weekend.

I was always afraid a relationship gone bad was going to permanently ruin a relationship. I can still hear Brian McKnight's "Anytime" and instantly think back to high school and the relationship that wouldn't end. I hear Tim McGraw's "My Best Friend" and I'm reminiscing about the high school football stud and John Mayer's "St. Patrick's Day" reminds me of a disappointing senior year of college. Lifehouse's "You and Me" takes me back to my favorite week in Knoxville. I love when a couple picks a song from the top40 countdown and then think every time they hear it on the radio... "it's a sign!" Yes it's a sign... a sign you picked one of the most popular current songs of the moment that will be played over and over again whether your relationship lasts or not. 

Not only are there songs tagged to relationships, but there are the songs that just trigger memories. I hear Jonah33's "Faith Like That" and I'm on my way to Ohio State with my boyfriend at the time. I hear anything Jamie Cullum sings and I'm being serenaded. I can't get away from any of the songs I so nicely put on a cd and labeled the playlist accordingly.

Some of the other classics are songs to help you move on from a relationship or maybe the others that just take you back and let you drown in what you lost. Kelly Clarkson's "Behind these Hazel Eyes" came out just in time to try to move on from a relationship while I could try to talk myself into having moved on with the grammatically correct "Since U Been Gone." For every "Broken" (Lifehouse) there's a "Settlin'" (Sugarland) to help counteract each other.

Lately I keep hearing "Fix You" (Coldplay) and "Jar of Hearts" (Christina Perri) and while neither song triggers any particular relationship... they might need to be stored up for a rainy day. But then again... do I really want them to be forever linked to a relationship that didn't work? I think that's why I like Christian music. The songs are linked to a God who's never leaving me.

laugh of the week...

I caught an episode of the Cosby Show recently and reminisced about all of the wholesome laughter the Cosby family brought to my family growing up.

One of my favorite clips...

P.S. I tried to look up Peter from the show because I thought he was just adorable. His real name is Peter Costa and I was a bit saddened to read on (the always reliable) Wikipedia he's a member of two bands Torrential Downpour and the Kreptaka Bar Band. Let's just say I'm not sure we have much in common.

finding God...

I read PostSecret weekly and have three of their books. I'm sure I've blogged about them before... "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard." I always thought about sending a post card. I wonder sometimes when people have their postcard published... is it the idea that it's published and they are releasing something they had kept inside or is it the idea that it's published and someone might figure out they wrote it? Is sharing a secret enough? Or is it who you share it with?

The blog posts secrets that cover love, religion, death, family, friends... they run the gamut. Today one postcard said, "Dear God, help me find you again." It seems simple enough... a prayer I would think a lot of people have prayed. The debate has come in the e-mails after it was posted.

-----Email-----

God isn't the one who is lost; we all are. God is where He always is... we need to stop trying to "find God" and instead rid ourselves of the things that we use to hide from God.

-----Email-----

I was so deeply offended that someone would assume that it is one's fault that they feel void of God's presence. It is the worst thing to be told when you are so desperately trying to feel something that once seemed to be ever present, and then one morning is just gone.

I don't think the writer thought God was lost. I think the postcard was acknowledging they were lost... lost without God. At the same time, I recognize I didn't write it so I have no idea what they meant by it. As much as I love the PostSecret project, I keep hoping we'll have someone in real life to share our secrets with... We wouldn't need PostSecret if we all had someone to tell... to be honest with.

modern family...

 I recently caught up on some of my favorite sitcoms including Hot in Cleveland, Modern Family and Big Bang Theory.

Modern Family is in reruns, but I missed out on the first few episodes and love catching one I haven't seen yet. Two of my good friends are in the first stages of a relationship... "talking" if you will. I'm the lucky one hearing their giddiness from both sides and thinking it's adorable (usually :). For one, this is the first real potential relationship after a five year relationship ended. I've never been in a five-year relationship, but I can imagine embarking on a new one can be intimidating and anxiety-producing! She said a friend reminded her... If that relationship was so good and she felt so loved and loved so much, imagine how great it will be when the relationship is the "right" one or one that lasts. It's comforting to know what we think is the best really isn't.

Phil Dunphy (of Modern Family) chimed in for me on Friday when comforting his oldest daughter's ex-boyfriend. "I know it hurts now, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having." So comforting and almost frightening to know it came from a sitcom! I think we spend a lot of time wishing we could take it back after a failed relationship, but I like Phil's spin... if it hurts, it was worth having... worth experience and worth going through.

bachelorette...

I made a commitment to blog Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday and despite being exhausted after a night out, I'm determined to write something of substance in order to fulfill my commitment.

Watching the Bachelorette during the summer is such a good form of escapism for me. I don't have to work on nights and weekends and following along with this cheesy love story is a fun (or funny) way to get away on Monday nights. The big story this season is Ashley falling for this tool Bentley who plays with her heart until he leaves suddenly in the middle of the show. She is still hung up on him not knowing why he really leaves and we are all anxiously waiting Monday to find out what happens when she gets a chance to seek closure.

Most Bachelorette fans will tell you they are absolutely sick of hearing about Bentley. He is/was a tool and chose to walk away from the show so why do we have to continue to listen to Ashley gab about how much she misses him and felt like they had a connection. It seems outlandish to the viewer who watched Bentley's interviews about how he had no interest in Ashley and wished the other chick had been on the show. No one wants to hear about Bentley anymore. I wish the host, Chris Harrison, or a producer, or someone would show Ashley Bentley's interviews so she could move on.

I was absolutely frustrated on Monday when I realized I could be in her shoes. I'm usually too embarrassed to talk about the guy I'm hung up on through national tv, but it's crazy how you can get stuck on someone.. years later. I pray I'm not the annoying "Ashley" daydreaming about a boy who could care less about me... but I guess if I didn't see his ABC interviews, I have no idea. It really makes you think about who you spend your time pining after. I don't want to be an annoying Ashley pining after "Bentley" but I do want to be honest with myself about how I feel in hopes guys would be honest with me. Here's to seeking something real... beyond the Bachelorette.

laugh of the week...

I've been watching America's Got Talent since I first spotted Cas Haley a few years ago... Some of it is too commercialized or just plain ridiculous... but occasionally there's some good stuff...

This week's laugh of the week...

relevant...

My ramblings about Craig Groeschel sent me stumbling back to Relevant Magazine after not checking it out in forever. They are self-described as, "We’re twentysomething Christians seeking God, living intentionally and striving to impact the world around us. Each day on the website and every other month in the magazine, we try to publish ideas that break stereotypes, challenge the status-quo and spur a generation to know God and change the world. It’s pretty simple, really."

I'm sure I wouldn't agree with every article or review posted, but I can appreciate their attempt to find Christ in culture rather than always separating culture and Christ. I don't want to water down my faith in a way that makes me seem like I'm ashamed or not completely sold out for Him, but I also don't want to be so disconnected from what's going on in the world.

I think Relevant is one of the best ways to find the balance thus far... This week it seems the most popular stories are a take on "Super 8" and "Francis Chan Takes on Hell." Just a thought to add more to your summer reading list...

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

dead poets society...

"Dead Poets Society" is one of my favorite movies. I think it was one of the first movies I saw that challenged me to think. I've never been a huge fan of poetry or even really smart literature, but I felt inspired sitting in on John Keating's class.

A class of boys was transformed through Keating's controversial teaching. He continued to poke and prod and question everything they had been trained to accept as status quo.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love...these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!...of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless...of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here...that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.' That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

I don't think it's enough to exist. I want to contribute a verse.

transparency...

If I had a soap box it would probably be something about transparency. I think it is important for us to be real and genuine with each other. There's a message of respect and sincerity that comes from being true to who you are without the games or gimmicks.

I've been thinking a lot about how transparency relates to privacy. The messages today regarding social media are filtered through a need for safety, but we typically advise users to be cautious regarding information shared. I have a facebook and twitter profile that are both private. People have to request to be my "friend" or to "follow" me. Earlier this week I had 41 facebook friend requests waiting for an answer to go along with 10 potential followers on twitter. A few months ago I went through and denied everyone I had never hung out with and even deleted nearly 100 facebook "friends" who I hadn't spoken to since becoming "friends." I get frustrated when someone asks to connect and I add them only for them to pass me in the hall without speaking. I know people use social networking differently, but I was thinking I would prefer to know the people I share my information with.

This week I felt like as a step towards transparency I would take down a wall and connect with more people rather than less. I accepted nearly every request except for people I really didn't know. I think there's still a measure of safety and I'm not planning on sharing my address or my every moment whereabouts, but I feel like I shouldn't have anything to hide in terms of what I'm posting on facebook and twitter. If I'm not comfortable with random acquaintances reading about it, maybe I shouldn't be doing it. Not to mention I have a public blog where I'm sharing more personal information with people I'm not even connected with through other social networking sites.

I'm still trying to find the balance... how much is too much? In the end... I do believe in social networking in terms of creating community and if I can help facilitate that rather than perpetuating exclusivity and secrets, I want to do it.

laugh of the week...

Sometimes you just need a laugh to get you through the week...

Mark Lowry was the only approved comedian in my house growing up... brings back sweet memories.

following through...

I am a Christian... and have been for 20 years. One of the core teachings of the Christian faith is prayer. A Christian's entire faith journey begins with a prayer and there are tons and tons of scriptures pointing us toward prayer. Paul said to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thes. 5:17) and Jesus said, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Matt. 21:22). There are a ton of different reasons why people pray... and I've tried to tackle what I think are three of the most common...

1. we want something i.e. healing, employment

2. fulfill a ritual

3. create a connection

I think the most popular prayers probably fall under number one... we want something. People who don't even have a relationship with God pray when they want something. Whether it's healing, a new job, a husband/wife, relief from bad circumstances... whatever it may be, we're willing to send up a prayer. Another popular form of prayer is one that fulfills a ritual like praying before a meal. I grew up saying the same "God is good..." prayer taught in Sunday School until I thought I was becoming independent and made my own prayer but I still recite the same one and it still starts with "God is good..." I always thought it was weird my family never prayed before a meal in a restaurant (unless we ate with our pastor) but our family had its rituals no matter the rhyme or reason. Other people may be taught to say their prayers before bed or in church there's usually a prayer before the offering. I think all of these prayers are timely and appropriate and even following along with what God commands us to do... but I question where my/our heart is. I don't want to pray out of habit, but out of graciousness or pure brokenness or seeking that true connection with my King... my Daddy... my Savior. 

I am not one to lecture about a prayer life. I confess mine usually stinks. I am the first person to offer prayers to any and everyone in need, but have to make a conscious effort to follow through. I've tried journaling, out loud prayers, silent prayers, driving prayers, prayers through song... I know it is something that does not come easy to me and I have to work at it. I think I balked at that at first. My relationship with God should not be "work." It should be rainbows and butterflies and dare I say easy.

Then I struggled with questions about the purpose of prayer. If God is in control, why do we pray? If God knows what I'm thinking, why do I have to tell Him? If God already knows how it ends up, why do I have to ask for anything? Of course instead of really talking to Him (aka praying) about it and wrestling with it... I sat on it and used my questions as excuses not to seek Him... not to follow through.

The easy answer to my questions is because He said so. No one really likes that answer, but I think we have to remember He doesn't say so to make us miserable and keep us up late... but He says so because He has our best interest at heart and desires that connection with us. When I lost my job in 2003, nearly everyone knew about it. The entire league folded and it was on ESPN and covered on a ton of major news outlets. I didn't have to tell anyone I was unemployed, but I wanted to call my parents or call my best friend. Even if they already knew... I wanted to talk to them... Even if they couldn't fix it... I wanted to talk to them. I want to follow through with prayer to have the ultimate relationship God desires with me.

I just finished reading Craig Groeschel's Christian Atheist. One of the guys from FCA had spoke earlier this spring and referenced Groeschel's "third line" idea from the book and it's a great visual to figure out where you are in your faith. To get the whole concept of the Christian Atheist and the "third line" read a short article from Relevant Magazine from Craig or you can watch Craig talk about it or better yet go read the book... but my point being I think there are a ton of us stuck at the second line saying "I believe in God and Christ’s Gospel enough to contribute comfortably." I want to move deliberately towards line three and be able to confidently say "I believe in God and Christ’s Gospel enough to give my life to it." I also think my prayer life is one thing holding me back and I know I need to make a conscious effort to seek God in all things not just in the easy things.

So here goes... seeking the third line.

messages...

I've been thinking a lot about the messages we tell ourselves and how that impacts who we are... and who we become. Our daily train of thought... the conversations we have with ourselves... they play such a huge role in the end.

One of my favorite people is about to turn 14 and has entered into the teenage years which can be particularly volatile for girls. I knew her better when she was much younger until I moved away. First of all... she is adorable. She has the best curls that shape her face and her smile is contagious. The last time I saw her before last she was in elementary school gabbing about a mathathon and trying to keep up with her big brother. Fast forward more than five years and we were finally reunited a couple of weeks ago.

I was reminded of how much I miss her and I'm still so proud of the teenager she has become. We agreed in our adoration for Lauren Alaina on American Idol and were both appalled at Lady Gaga's performance. We laughed at her mom's comment, "five years ago you wouldn't be watching this!" I told her my parents were the same way and then she let me know she was glad she couldn't watch some of that stuff. What?! She's not even 14 and she's already understanding the concept of parents protecting you from some things while I know for sure I was still crying about them "punishing" me by withholding it at her age.

My friend told me she didn't have many friends until she started playing lacrosse and my heart melted when I first found out she was a goalie like me. She posted a picture of herself in her eighth grade formal dress and tried to balance this "please like it" with the "I don't care what people think." She is so strong and I'm so impressed with the messages she's telling herself. I don't think she's perfect... and I don't think she has it all figured out... but I felt like I could see the conversation in her head. She seemed to be fighting back against any negative thought knocking her down and countered with a reminder she is going to be okay.

I want to be like her. I'm not unrealistic to think we can eliminate all of the haters in our heads... but I want to battle back with optimism... the optimism of an almost 14-year-old who very well may have it together more than me.

what we think...

I posted a bit of a rant on facebook earlier this week about some form of letting go... 

"There are some situations when what you think doesn't matter.. You can share your feelings or state your case until your blue in the face, but sometimes it's just not your call.. That is when we learn to let go."

I have been frustrated in friendships/relationships and trying to make them work and really just needed a reminder... I'm not in control. We can share our feelings and we can practice honest communication... but it doesn't matter if the other person isn't interested. I want you to know how I feel but then if you don't feel the same way, it doesn't matter how I feel. The key then is when to let go and how to let go. We hear stories or read books or see movies of people who held on and kept fighting for what they wanted and in the end maybe even won over their desires. Somehow we have to sort out what is real... and how God wants to use us in the lives of others.

So here we go... sometimes it's just not your call...

no strings attached...

I have a note in my phone now with potential blog topics... which is partially a sign I have tons of brilliant ideas with no time to expand on them (or at least I'd like to think so). Last weekend my little sister and I rented and watched "No Strings Attached" starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

Some people are already disappointed in me for watching a R-rated movie let alone one based on the idea of having sex without commitment. I read a blog from Jon Acuff earlier this week about Christians watching movies that may not necessarily be building you up in the faith (i.e. the hangover 2) and how we deal with the guilt, or justification to be "up" on pop culture. That's a whole other topic I trust Jon to cover... but I opted to write not so much on the R-rated filth :) but the lessons I learned.

First of all... I'm not sure how much like real life anyone could say the concept was... the guy is craving a commitment while the female is just looking for a good time? You knew from the beginning Ashton's character (Adam) had more feelings for Natalie's character (Emma). Emma was scared of getting hurt and wanted no commitment while Adam was willing to go along with the deal for what I thought was the chance at something more. How many times do we do that? He's content for awhile and then tries pushing a relationship when Emma balks and Adam calls off everything. Who's fault is that? He agreed to the original terms and then got mad when she wouldn't accept his new deal. I understand where he's coming from... I know he loved her... but I also question him for accepting the original deal when he knew he wouldn't be able to settle for that.

SPOILER ALERT... Of course the movie has a happy ending... he ignores her for awhile and then she finally comes to her senses and realizes she loves him too. And I sat there wondering how many times does that happen in real life? Most of the time people don't wait for us to figure out what we want... or we have don't have the nerve to make the big gesture and admit we want another chance. Sometimes it's just timing... or maybe location... but I just have to remember these cheesy movies are just a form of escapism... and not real life.