waiting...

I've thought a lot about how to frame this one... how to respect the anonymous but still tell my story. First of all you should know I've decided to wait until I get married to have sex. I don't know the exact moment I made the decision... I think I made it in high school because I was scared of the consequences and made a public decision in August 2000 at a summer camp because I have faith God knows better than I do. One of my friends gave me a ring that matched her own with the initials TLW inscribed on the inside for "True Love Waits" along with the date 8-00 (that I wear on my right hand and people always ask if it's a wedding band).

Most of the time it's a decision I haven't had trouble sticking to... I probably heard my first argument to persuade me otherwise in high school... barely thought about it in college and feel like I deal with it far too often since college. Most days, it's not a temptation... either I don't feel strongly enough about the guy or I hold onto the belief if I can go 28 years surely I can make it longer... and deep down I hold onto the belief I'm worth waiting for.

Lately, I have been amazed by the boldness of guys. Most guys at least try to be slick about what they want, but I actually had one tell me that's really all he wanted... he had no interest in a relationship. I know for sure I'd rather not be a one-night stand or a prostitute or even friends with benefits. Especially when he settles to ask me to come over so he can "service me." (Barf)

Some guys think because I'm waiting it's because I don't want to have sex. Wrong... I just want it to be with my husband. Everyone always asks then where do I draw the line. It gets hard because usually when a relationship ends I wish we hadn't even kissed. One person tried to argue it's like buying shoes, you should try them on first before you buy. My rebuttal would be if someone made a pair of shoes especially to fit your feet, you wouldn't need to try them on. I have faith God has designed the perfect person for me.

Pastor Cook preached from Genesis 39 today on Joseph's temptation with Potiphar. He mentioned a story of a couple he counseled where the guy was waiting to have sex and the girl had "messed up" once but the guy was having a hard time getting over it. He told the guy he needed to decide right away if he could forgive her or not... otherwise he would risk holding it over her head forever.

Forgiveness becomes clutch... and not always my forte. And then Cook relayed the story of the skydiving instructor who broke the fall for a woman when their chute got tangled. He became paralyzed from the accident while she escaped nearly unharmed. He broke her fall... talk about taking one for the team. And of course then I'm reminded of Jesus taking the fall for me... so cheesy but so true. The crucifixion... Jesus on the cross... "dying for our sins"... It all becomes too fairytale-ish until I have a tangible example like a skydiving instructor to put it into context. How does this relate to forgiveness? God put all of our sins... all of the mess ups on that cross and Jesus covered them with his blood. Everything I have done, am doing, will do is forgiven... now I need to pay it forward.

portions of "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United... my prayer for the week...

In my heart, in my soul.. I give you control.. Consume me from the inside out.. Let justice and praise.. Become my embrace.. To love you from the inside out.. Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades.. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame.. And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise.. From the inside out.. Lord my soul cries out

real world...

I found some free time this summer to rot my brain watching MTV's "Real World." It has become uber predictable with the extreme personalities fighting, partying and hooking up all the time.

I tried to say that it was time well spent as I attempted to learn something from these "seven strangers" (that at some point became eight.) More than anything, the show was a great infomercial for counseling and medication.

One of this season's characters, McKenzie played the "good girl" role but was blacking out early on via tons of alcohol. The roommates gave her a hard time for playing the role, judging everyone else, but acting differently... close to hypocritical. She argued during the reunion it was better to try to be a good girl and mess up than it was to just be a bad girl.

I feel like usually blogs are supposed to be to make a point, but I can't decide what my point is... I can't decide if I agree with McKenzie. I've always been so careful not to be a hypocrite. Sometimes people have different definitions of what a "good girl" is and I suppose based on the differences I could come off like a hypocrite in certain scenarios... but then do I get points for trying? Is it better to just say screw it, I'm not trying... if I try I'll just mess up.

So play the "good girl" role... embrace the "bad girl" role... or is it possible to really be a "good girl"?

surrender...

Most of my blog thoughts are not my own... I usually hear something that sparks something allowing me to babble on about everything and nothing all at the same time.

I was stressing about the weekend. I'm not always good at dealing with issues I try to bury. I am usually pretty good at stressing out.

After an interesting Saturday I woke up at my usual butt crack of dawn Sunday time to go to church. I love being able to go to church early before work but at 7 a.m. I'm not usually feeling so loving it. Sunday Pastor Cook spoke from one of the most difficult passages of scripture for me... Genesis 22 when God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. I have a hard time wrapping my head around Abraham seeming to be so willing to do it. I get the example of God sacrificing his son but that wouldn't happen for years after Abraham was dead and gone. Regardless... one of Pastor Cook's points was that Abraham was willing to do it...

My favorite part of Sunday... the story of the Pearl Necklace...

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver,she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

What are you hanging on to?

That is the question... what am I hanging on to? Our worship pastor Giles followed up with one version of "I Surrender All" and I felt wrecked. I wanted to spend the rest of the day figuring out what it meant to me and how I can be better... Instead I went to work a tennis tournament and three soccer games and dealt with work drama and catching up with friends and family and woke up to fall back into the vicious cycle of work. I don't want to forget... I want to surrender everything... not just when I have time... but most of all when I don't...

"I Surrender All"

...I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams Though the price to follow costs me everything I surrender all my human soul desires If sacrifice requires That all my kingdoms fall I surrender all
If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain If the focus of my vision is the status I attain My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire If all I have is all that You desire I surrender all

a breakthrough life...

Greg Creed came to Methodist on Monday to speak at our fall convocation. Most people wouldn't recognize his name right away but as soon as you say president of Taco Bell, his name carries weight. Fast food employment isn't always the most respected profession until you add "president" to your title. We don't have many millionaires come to Methodist, but when your $3 million compensation is public knowledge you know you've made it big. Greg Creed quickly went from no-name to big name.

I wasn't sure what to expect with Creed. Would he be a stuffy old guy or an inexperienced speaker we just brought for the notoriety? I left thoroughly impressed. Not only did he start with a joke, "I'm an Australian selling Mexican food to Americans," but he asked the thought-provoking question, "Do you want to lead an incremental life or do you want to lead a breakthrough life?"

He barreled through his message leaving me wishing I was taking notes with all of the freshmen required to attend for class. He described leaders as curious and prepared to take risks. He related a story of driving on a highway... Some people will always stay behind the car in front of them because they believe it's moving fast enough that a lane change isn't necessary.

"But if you don't go to a different lane, you can never pass the car in front of you," he said. Yes, there's a risk that moving could mean getting stuck behind somebody slower. But ultimately, you have to have the fortitude to actually try and go into a different lane. If you stay behind the car, you'll always be second. It really is that simple."

How many of us are afraid to change lanes? Can we take the risk? Whether it's a risk in a current job or accepting a new job... or a risk in a relationship or a risk to try something new... we have to take the risk to move ahead. Some people are content to be second. I don't want to be first to beat everyone else, but I want to be first to be the best I can be.

I want to take the risks that will lead me to a breakthrough life, but in the back of my head I question my ability to determine the breakthrough risks from the breakdown risks. I want to take smart risks and I pray my fear doesn't cripple my ability to move forward. Here's to stepping out of fear into a breakthrough life.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

names...

After saying hi to nearly everyone I saw in the lion's den yesterday, one of our new coaches asked me what percentage of the student body did I know at Methodist? It's actually probably the lowest right now and increases throughout the school year. By May I know every single athlete (and usually their jersey number, position, hometown and sometimes high school) and nearly everyone that goes to FCA.

There's something about knowing names... When I was a kid I went to music camp (totally different from band camp!) and set out to learn everyone's name. I spent my summers in high school working camps trying to learn everyone's names each week. I love seeing someone's face light up when you call them by name and they're not expecting you to know them. Usually there's a relief to being known... sometimes people are trying to hide and calling them by name can make them feel vulnerable but I like to think it's healthy. We're not meant to go through life alone.

I'm trying to learn new names every day... putting faces with names and trying to get to know people beyond what sport they play or what major they picked. Names are a great start... but I have a long way to go!

By the way... JillandKate finally posted the Song on the 17th...

laboring...

I complain about work a lot. I'm sorry... I know I signed up for this... I need to suck it up and deal with it. Of course it's easier for me to say after surviving my 83-hour week... but I am thankful for the people that helped me get through it... people who ate with me... listened to me vent... volunteered their time to work... stopped what they were doing to do what I couldn't... were patient with my lack of communication. Thank you... I don't want to ever take you for granted.

In the midst of my busy week I had the pleasure of spraining my ankle (insert sarcasm here). I've had problems with my left ankle for too long... For 10-12 years now I have hurt my the same ankle/foot five different times.

Have you noticed when you injure something once, you're so much more prone to do it again? There are so many things in my life that I have messed up... as soon as I think I learn my lesson, I fall right back into it. I date a guy I know isn't right for me... go through heartbreak but yet I date the guy again or a guy with the same problems. I procrastinate and end up working late and tell myself next time I'll plan ahead until I find myself stuck in the same situation the next week. The weakness has been exposed and I'm not always good at withstanding the temptation. I sound like an addict... or a Pringles commercial... but once you pop you can't stop.

I sprain my ankle... let it heal... maybe even strengthen it but as soon as I think I'll be careful this time... that's when I fall. I'm thanking God for a way out... or a way up.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:12-13