memories...

A year ago today was a rollercoaster of the good, the bad, the ugly and the risky. A lot was on the line and I made a decision that I believed in and put a lot of trust in people. Now a lot of people laugh it off... it turned out most people don't remember or if they do it seems trivial. It wasn't trivial at the time. I still don't think the potential consequences are trivial... I'm grateful most have forgotten the drama but when we made our final decision I don't think either one of us knew this would be where we are today. Sometimes when I think back it all seems for naught.

In contrast, tonight I'm especially grateful for my family. Last Thursday I posted on facebook that I was thrilled to hang out with family the next day. My brother and sisters were stumped about who I could be hanging out with if it wasn't them. I miss my parents and my siblings more than you could imagine, but I was talking about my aunt and cousins.

One of my cousins lives here in Fayetteville along with her husband and two of the most adorable kids ever. I don't see them nearly enough but Robin and I have made an increased effort over the past few months to get together. When I was 12 I recognized Robin as my inspiration and I've always looked up to her... it's crazy to be living in the same city now. Her mom, my aunt is another huge inspiration to me. She was a big support to me during college and hooded me at graduation. My other cousin Allie was also in town with her daughters and all of us women wrangled the four kids and tackled a fair over at Ft. Bragg last Friday. The kids had me nearly sick on the spinning rides but I absolutely loved spending time with them and having them pick me to ride the rides with them. After a long week of work it was such a relief to unwind with family. Sunday is Robin's birthday and she invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. I need it... I've come to rely on some pick-me-ups during the week to get me going and I'm so grateful for time with people who love me unconditionally. When all else fails I have to believe family will always be there for me.

Sixteen days until our last football game... 17 days until the first basketball game... 26 days until I can go home for Thanksgiving... 51 days until I can go home for Christmas... but who's counting? :)

promises...

I had a feeling there wasn't room in my life for both of you, but I don't think I could have ever been prepared to lose both of you. And by "lose" I don't mean through death. I don't want to take anything away from losing someone through death... I've gone through enough of that to know it's absolutely devastating... Aunt Donna, Mommom Wolf, Poppop Wolf, Uncle Rodney, Mrs. Diane, Mommom Britt, Uncle Buck, Dr. J., Aunt Elsie, Mrs. Quimby, Darlene and so many more... never forgotten. Sometimes it can feel just as difficult to lose someone when they're still alive because they're still here... you can see them or hear them but just can't reach them.

Things have changed so quickly and I'm not sure how much control I have over them. I was determined to not give up but I also don't want to be taken advantage of through my patience. Regardless, I would do anything to rewind to when you confided in me... when you laughed with me... when you hung out with me... when you cared about me. It looks selfish when I type it... so much "me." I don't want it to be all about me but I miss you.

timeout...

I have a release to write for work but our work e-mail is down and I can't access the information I need to write the release.  Instead why not babble through a blog??

I had a bad dream last night... or maybe it was a series of dreams. Either way things I have been stressing out about in real life played out in my dreams just as I hoped they wouldn't. I don't know what that means. I've never really studied much into dreams or what they mean. Some people say if you dream it, it won't happen. After last night I think I want to hold on to that one for awhile.

I went to church by myself on Sunday. Sometimes I think it's good for me to go by myself in hopes I can focus better... however krispy kreme is just not the same when you go solo. After Dr. Crocker's sweet message last week I was being a bit critical towards the pastor, John Cook. He throws so much information and scripture at you sometimes I have trouble keeping up... but he spoke from Malachi 2-3 and I happen to love 3:7 where God says "Return to me, and I will return to you." Sometimes I get to sidetracked and going in my own direction... but every day I need to return to Him.

Rev. Cook also told a story by Dr. Joe Harding called I Love You Anyway. It wraps up the story with "we can be rejected by almost anyone if we're loved by one." During the rough days, I can hold onto that.

Things that make me smile lately... the jamie kennedy experiment... bojangles... xangos... cookie dough... david crowder's cd church music... needtobreathe's cd the outsiders... house guests... MU winning... an unexpected text from a friend who hasn't bailed... dinner with friends and/or their families... home in six weeks.

sunday...

I've had a long four days. Last week was a bit of a tease without any homes games. It all came back to bite me when we had four volleyball matches, two soccer games, and a tennis tournament along with baseball and softball's fall playdate on Saturday. I'm looking for positives in situations and the postive thing about Saturday was that football was away. Essentially I worked 14 hours Friday preparing for the weekend... worked 16 hours Saturday drowning in everything... worked eight hours Sunday and drove three hours to Charlotte... attended a seven hour conference Monday and drove three hours back to Fayetteville. It's been a bit much with not much sleep thrown in between.

After working all day Saturday and not getting home until 1 am I had a decision to make for my Sunday. I've been attending Snyder's 8:40 am church service which is awesome to get to go before I have to worry about work but that means I have to get up at 7. Getting up for church meant another long day and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't fall asleep driving to Charlotte at whatever hour I got to leave. On the other hand, by going to church I could escape and rest for at least the morning.

When my alarm went off Sunday morning I struggled. My body did not necessarily agree with my decision, but thankfully I got up and picked up Kristen and Rachel. I think we were all half asleep during the short drive but when we got there we realized it was Snyder's 60th anniversary. Worship was particularly good. Dr. David Crocker spoke as a former pastor of the church from 1994-2002. It was just what I needed to hear. We had just been talking on the way to church about the mission of Christian organizations/churches and not being ashamed of what we believe in and then Dr. Crocker really drove it home. He finished with the lifesaving station story. I really think he did it better than any youtube video I could find or written version but so you can get the jist of it...

On a dangerous seacoast where shipwrecks often occur there was once a crude little lifesaving station. The building was just a hut, and there was only one boat, but the few devoted members kept a constant
watch over the sea, and with no thought for themselves, they went out day or night tirelessly searching for the lost.

Many lives were saved by this wonderful little station, so that it became famous. Some of those who were saved, and various others in the surrounding areas, wanted to become associated with the station
and give of their time and money and effort for the support of its work. New boats were bought and new crews were trained. The little lifesaving station grew.

Some of the new members of the lifesaving station were unhappy that the building was so crude and so poorly equipped. They felt that a more comfortable place should be provided as the first refuge of those saved from the sea.

They replaced the emergency cots with beds and put better furniture in an enlarged building. Now the lifesaving station became a popular gathering place for its members, and they redecorated it beautifully
and furnished it as a sort of club.

Less of the members were now interested in going to sea onlifesaving missions, so they hired life boat crews to do this work.

The mission of lifesaving was still given lip-service but most were too busy or lacked the necessary commitment to take part in the lifesaving activities personally.

About this time a large ship was wrecked off the coast, and the hired crews brought in boat loads of cold, wet and half-drowned people.

They were dirty and sick, some had skin of a different color, some spoke a strange language, and the beautiful new club was considerably messed up. So the property committee immediately had a shower house built outside the club where victims of shipwreck could be cleaned up before coming inside.

At the next meeting, there was a split in the club membership. Most of the members wanted to stop the club's lifesaving activities as being unpleasant and a hindrance to the normal pattern of the club.

But some members insisted that lifesaving was their primary purpose and pointed out that they were still called a lifesaving station. But they were finally voted down and told that if they wanted to save the life of all various kinds of people who were shipwrecked in those waters, they could begin their own lifesaving station down the
coast. They did.

As the years went by, the new station experienced the same changes that had occurred in the old. They evolved into a club and yet another lifesaving station was founded.

If you visit the seacoast today you will find a number of exclusive clubs along that shore. Shipwrecks are still frequent in those waters, but now most of the people drown.

We sang Mighty to Save and I could not stop crying. I'm a sucker for a good message or a good song but I was beginning to feel silly. I just felt such a sense of rest... a sense that everything was ok even when outside that building I knew it wasn't ok in the sense that we think of things. They closed the service with a parade of signs representing all of the countries the church had traveled to and done work. We sang God of this City and I was moved again just thinking about how much God must have used this church over the last 40 years.

After church we went to Krispy Kreme for our informal debriefing. Before we knew it we had been there for nearly two hours. I'm so thankful for encouraging Christian conversation in the middle of chaos. I knew I needed to get up Sunday.

embracing change...

I'm not very good at change. I'm not sure I know many people who are. This semester has been full of change and I'm trying to become better at embracing it. Last week was full of ups and downs. It felt like one bad thing would happen and thankfully God came through with something positive. 

Most notably... I'm teaching a class. When I was a kid all I wanted was to be a teacher like my mom. As I got older I really liked math but I just couldn't picture myself teaching and after not settling on something else I wanted to do with a math a degree, I switched to sport management. Since working at Methodist for the past few years I occasionally daydream about the lives of professors who seem to have more free time than I do. I know there are some who still put in ridiculous hours and others who are doing ridiculous research to move up in their field... but I guess I've become jealous of their ability to set their own schedule. I keep thinking about this whole teaching thing but I never knew if I would be any good at it or if I would really like it. I don't want to do it just because I'm lazy. Some unfortunate circumstances opened up a fortunate opportunity for me and I'm excited about it. Today was the first day... hopefully they all come back Wednesday. I guess the cool thing about teaching is if they don't show up, I have control over the outcome!
The next month is crazy busy with fall sports playing the final half of their season and basketball gearing up in a couple of weeks. I keep praying about balancing this life and trying to figure out where I'm headed. 

I've been talking about the new needtobreathe cd but I heard the "Garden" on the way home from volleyball tonight. It makes me think about Jesus and his last night in the garden asking God to change the plan... to not let him have to go through the next phase... before eventually just completely and totally surrendering. I'm making that my prayer tonight... let my heart be after you.

Won't you take this cup from me?
because fear has stolen all my sleep.

If tomorrow means my death
pray you'll save their souls with it.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

In this hour of doubt I see
who I am is not just me
so give me strength to die myself
so love can live to tell the tale.

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you."

Father let my heart be for you
For you
For you
For you

Chorus: "Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.
Let the words I say confess my love.
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune.

Father let my heart be after you.