december

One trip down... three or four more to go. While I was in Florida this week I finished the book "the shack" by William Young. My future bro-in-law bought it for me months ago but reading gets tough during the semester. It's been on the NY Times Bestseller list so I've been anxious to check it out and I think I could even benefit from another reading just to try and grasp everything better. But... one of the chapters was called "Verbs and Other Freedoms" and has really left me thinking. One of the characters Sarayu was teaching another character, Mack about the differences between nouns and verbs in a relationship with God. Mack was stuck thinking of religion in terms of responsibility and expectations and Sarayu said "Before your words became nouns, they were first my words, nouns with movement and experience buried inside of them; the ability to respond and expectancy. My words are alive and dynamic - full of life and possibility; yours are dead, full of law and fear and judgment. That is why you won't find the word responsibility in the Scriptures."

Sarayu went on to try to explain religion without law, fear and judgement. "Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, or laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation' - spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

Mack responds that he would much rather live in expectancy. I too, would rather live in expectancy.

On another note, my boss was telling me a story (one of many during a 10-hour van ride to florida) about one of his former players finding his wife. A Jewish guy, he was going to Israel to serve as a player-coach in the Maccabiah Games (Jewish Olympics) and wore a sign at the opening ceremonies that read ''Single male. American. Looking for Israeli Wife. Contact Todd Schayes at the Tel Aviv Hilton.'' Thousands of women responded and when the media caught on in the U.S. a woman in Connecticut forwarded her niece's contact information to Todd and they eventually married. I thought perhaps my boss had inflated the story a bit but I found all the details from the NY Times. Quality reading...
Schayes search
Schayes wedding
My favorite quote... "I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful romantic." - Todd Schayes

I'll be in Colorado until Tuesday and then the Bahamas from Wednesday until Sunday. Heading to Maryland on Monday if all goes well. Please pray for safe travel!

fireproof

My sister's fiance Barton told me about the movie Fireproof months ago so I feel like I've been waiting forever to see it. Kelsey and I decided to go see it Friday night and her mom was a little concerned as she told us it was supposed to be for married couples... I'm not sure I have time to go into why that is particularly funny but the truth is Kelsey and I are both hoping to marry Christian men someday so the movie would still apply.

The movie's been out since Sept. 26 and yet the theater was still packed here in fayettenam. I was willing to cut some slack on the acting just because of my hopes for the content. I was surprised at how quickly the female lead, Catherine, my support... but then how quickly I was routing for the male lead, Caleb, to win her back.

One of my favorite parts was when Caleb's coworker was telling him about his own marriage. Michael told him "Don't just follow your heart, man, because your heart can be deceived. You have to lead your heart."

I've just always heard people tell me to follow my heart... but there can be such a tug of war battle for your heart that I can really appreciate Michael's advice. I pray that I can protect my heart in such a way that it could be guarded from deceit. Definitely a work in progress...

mrs. quimby

Tonight has not been easy. One of my friends from home called to tell me my favorite math teacher of all time passed away as the result of complications from a car accident last Tuesday.

I feel like I was just sitting here writing about losing people and once again... here I am feeling a deep sense of loss. I was upset when I heard about the car accident last week but I think I convinced myself Mrs. Quimby was such a strong woman that she would definitely recover. To hear she didn't make it just doesn't seem possible. I find peace knowing her husband Walt was waiting for her. I also find peace knowing she lived a life full of giving... full of life... a life that inspired so many others. She must hold the record for convincing the most high school students to enjoy AP Calculus.

Second semester of my sophomore year I met Mrs. Quimby for the first time to take Calculus. A few of my sophomore friends and I were thrown in with a bunch of seniors and we stayed afloat in large part because of Mrs. Quimby. Whether she was scribbling through a whole roll of overheads or dancing around with a new way to remember a formula, I was entertained. I was a big fan of one of her mantras... "if you can do 2, you can do 200!" During my junior year I saw Mrs. Quimby every day and looked forward to her exciting It's Academic field trips. I had no desire to be on the quiz show, but I loved a day out of school to go to the zoo or Christmas shopping. I spent another semester with Mrs. Quimby my senior year as some of us went on to brave AP Calc BC. It has to mean something if students are volunteering to battle more calculus. Somehow we thought we were cool because she instilled it in us... calculus is cool right?

I miss her tonight. I'm watching the video of my high school graduation just so I can catch a glimpse of her. My senior class voted on our favorite teachers and she was one of the top six to "win" a seat next to the stage to greet all of the graduates. She was loved by all. I might have to do some derivatives or integrals just to fall asleep. I miss her tonight.

load

Most people love the weekend to get a break from work. Unfortunately there are weekends when I'm looking forward to Monday just to work an 8-hour day rather than 12-15 hours. However, work or not, I truly love Sundays. I could have slept in today. I really did not have to be to work until 11:30 or 12 for a basketball doubleheader this afternoon. I was up until after 1 am and could have used the extra sleep. After this past week I definitely could have used some extra sleep and a morning "off". I'm not sure how to explain it, but in my life, a morning at church is better than sleeping in. Next Sunday I don't even have to work so I can easily go back and take nap but there's just something about going to church and letting go of the struggles from the previous week and embracing what God has to offer in the coming week.

This morning the focus was on Matthew 11:28-30. One of my favorites I've always heard it from the New International Version but I'm also a big fan of the Message for this one...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I went to church this morning seeking real rest beyond whatever sleeping in could give me. Dr. Michael Cogdill is the interim pastor at Snyder and laid out some ways to handle a heavy load... or overload. He said sometimes people resort to whining but instead we could 1) get rid of some of it... easy enough? Physically give up some of your responsibilities (no he doesn't mean get rid of your kids, spouse or parents). 2) break it up... Dr. Cogdill referenced tackling house projects. It can be overwhelming to look at a long to do list, but focusing on one room at a time makes it more bearable. 3) share it... We should all have someone in our lives to share our load with... or more importantly Jesus said come share it with me.

It all sounds simple enough but sometimes the hardest part is making it real... applying it to our lives. Letting go of the load...

saints

This morning at church we "celebrated" All Saints Day. I had heard of the holiday but never really spent any time contemplating it. Some recognize saints in different ways but I think based on scripture that a saint is anyone born again by faith in Christ.

"To all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 1:7)

"And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12)

The staff at Snyder spent a lot of time talking about the shoulders of the ones we stand on in our life.. the people that may have gone before us but have influenced us to become who we are today. I have spent a lot of time at funerals in the last 26 years. I could go on and on listing people who I have lost. For some there was a peace that they wouldn't suffer anymore... for some there was relief they are in a better place... and for many there was extreme sadness wishing they didn't leave me so soon.

My aunt passed away when I was in third grade. I lost my mom's parents a month apart in fifth grade. My dad's best friend and cousin died during one of my high school soccer games. A high school classmate committed suicide before we graduated. One of my best friend's mom's lost a battle to cancer while I was away for a summer. A football player died my freshman year of college. My last grandparent passed away while I was away at college. My dad's uncle that he took care of, died on my birthday. Another high school classmate left us too soon with complications from diabetes. And those are just a small sampling of the loss in my life... but I pray that I never become too comfortable with death just because of its frequency.

When Giles was talking this morning a verse came to find from Psalms 116:15 that says "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." That could be really morbid, but I take comfort in it... knowing God cherishes us through death. Regardless, I'm so thankful for the saints in my life who have lived their lives in a way that inspires me to seek His face even more passionately.

Meanwhile... there are those of us here still battling this earthly mess. I'm grateful to the people in my life who help me get through hard times and I pray that I can be a help to them when they need me. Giles' "Servant Song" says...

"We are travelers on a journey fellow pilgrims on the road. We are here to help each other walk a mile and bear the load. I will hold the christ light for you in the night time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you say the peace you long to hear. I will hold you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. Brother let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you. Pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant to. Sister let me be your servant. let me be as Christ to you. Pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant to. I will hold you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. Will you journey with me?"

Letting go of burdens is not easy. It is so much easier said than done. It appears to be much easier to handle it ourselves rather than trust someone else with it. Last night I was talking about how God's requests are not conditional. He doesn't say forgive only if the offender apologizes. He doesn't say love your neighbor only if they love you back. He doesn't say give me your burden only if someone else is giving me the burden too. He does say "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

or in other words from the message version... "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

He makes it sound so easy. Why wouldn't we do it? We're scared... we still want to have control. But we obviously suck at it or we probably wouldn't be in this predicament. :) Nevertheless... I think when we're ready to give up that burden, we should look to those around us who are right next to us waiting to be the shoulder... waiting to carry us... waiting to be the servant to help get through this journey together.

warriors

Not to let this blog become a complete shoutout to tv... but to take a break from one tree hill, I watch army wives. Most people here in Fayetteville... or I guess the army in general aren't thrilled with the inaccuracies portrayed through the show, but I don't really watch the show for an army lesson just like I didn't watch Pocahontas for a history lesson.

There's been a developing storyline around a soldier who lost his legs. He returned to Ft. Army Wives to speak to other "warriors in transition." I admit, I'm a sucker for the inspirational, contemplative soliloquy but I really liked Mac's thoughts...

"You know what they say, you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. On May 2, at about 2 in the afternoon I had to let go of most of my plans, because most of my plans involved me having legs. Letting go, that's what this is mostly about. The first thing you gotta let go of is worrying about stuff you can't control. What happened, happened. So take a deep breath, this is your new reality. Whatever anger and frustration, you gotta let go of that too. There's no reverse button on our lives. If there was, I would go back to May 2nd, I would do it different. But I can't. It isn't going to be easy because your brain is going to want keep trying to steer you off course like some stubborn horse that don't want to stay on the trail. But the really important things, those get clearer in your head. I mean it. Whatever junk you thought you needed to make your life worthwhile, that goes away. Life gets a lot more basic and a lot richer. Now the coming months… it's scary man I won't tell you it isn't. Small changes can be scary and this ain't small. It's like you started out as one person, but a thing like this it changes you and this whole new person starts to form, but until you let go you'll never realize your full potential. So that's it. All of this here in this room, we were given a special challenge and what I have to keep believing is that special challenges allow for something special to float to the surface… something that I may never have known about myself if may 2nd 2 pm hadn't happened. It's all about letting go of what could've been and only holding on to the things that really matter."



Most of us will never lose a limb... but maybe there's something else we've had to let go. It can be difficult to find the good in it... keep looking... keep fighting.

secrets

So I'm four years late, but I was just clued into postsecret.com (thanks kelsey :)People send their secrets on postcards to this random guy who posts them on his blog. He's written books and now he's even traveling to college campuses with a show all about everyone else's secrets.

Some are funny...


and some make me cry...


But it just really makes me wonder about the people who are sending the secrets. I think we all have secrets and most of us have at least someone to share them with. But postsecret.com seems to be for those who either have no one to share with or the secrets are so secret they can't be shared with even the people they trust the most.

Just the word "secret" brings a lot of different thoughts... there's oprah's crazy fix on the book and movie, "the secret" where if you believe it, it will happen. There's victoria's secret for your shopping fix. There's secret deoderant that hopefully makes us smell good. And then there's good old fashioned webster's definition 1 a: kept from knowledge or view b: marked by the habit of discretion c: working with hidden aims or methods d: not acknowledged e: conducted in secret.

If postsecret.com helps people share their secrets in a way that relieves guilt or temptation or pain then I'm all for it. There's still a part of me that hopes we can all find someone to trust.... someone to spill our guts to.... someone who will listen without judgment... someone who will cry with us and laugh with us... and even someone who can knock some sense into us when we've lost touch with reality.

Thank you to those of you who let me share my secrets.

deborah

When I graduated high school my mom and I went to the bank so I could start a checking account and she put her name on the account so she could make deposits from maryland while I was in college. (She probably wanted to keep an eye on my spending as well but whatever.)

Eight years later and her name is still on the account but I took her off my checks and everything. Today I went to deposit some money through the drive-thru and after the teller sent my receipt back through the tube, she asked "deborah would you like to try online banking?" I was speechless for a second while I tried to figure out why the heck she called me deborah. I eventually realized she saw the two names on the account and assumed I couldn't possibly be kirbie since kirbie is such a masculine name... Thanks. I must be deborah.

paul newman

I'm just enjoying a sunday night at the house flipping through the channels when I came across CNN remembering Paul Newman. I couldn't tell you a thing about Paul Newman and I don't typically watch CNN but their info bar at the bottom had a quote from Robert Redford "My life, and this country, is better for him being in it."

I have no idea when I'll die, but I hope I live a life where people could say that about me. Maybe not Robert Redford... and maybe they won't cover it on CNN... but I always think you can tell a lot about a person by what people say about them when they die.

he who does not weep does not see

A few thoughts...

- My air conditioning isn't working... my first real problem in four months of home ownership. I'm real excited about the possible reasons for malfunction and hoping it won't be too expensive to fix. I am thankful the a/c pumped me through summer and perhaps a cool breeze will cool us off tonight.

- I am a really good assistant tennis coach. A slight exaggeration... but I had a great time supporting the women's tennis team at their tournament this weekend. Sometimes it's easy to get sucked into the computer behind my desk and forget the reason why I do this job. I look forward to actually getting to know the athletes and taking a vested interest in their success both on and off the court/field/track/course.

- I am not a very good tennis player. I love running around and making a fool of myself, but I wish I was better. I wish I had more time to dedicate to the sport. Some day I'll get there!

- I am trying to balance work with my social life. I'm not always very good at it. I started going to FCA again so I at least have a break Tuesday nights to escape... not to mention I break into a bit of nostalgia while I reminisce about the "good ol' days."

- I love one tree hill. Silly? Yes... but it's another stress reliever while I escape into the silliness. My quote of the month... "he who does not weep does not see." Let it sink in... love it.

- Is it november yet? While I thoroughly enjoy our fall sports... november brings some sanity while I have a couple of months to just have one home event at a time.

- please excuse the ramblings... there's a lot floating around in this noggin... the headband must have been a little too tight this weekend.

smiling

Lately I feel like I start every blog commenting on my absence. I guess I go through blogging phases. Or maybe I go through phases of free time. Regardless, I value the opportunity to "write"... some writing just can't be published on myspace! Some thoughts...

1. While it's not the most popular tv show... especially not for a 26-year-old... I've been open about my enthusiasm regarding One Tree Hill. The season premiere is tomorrow night so in preparation I watched last season's finale tonight for a refresher. Peyton's upset because Lucas (the guy she loves) told her he hated her. He was drunk and I still think he loves her (just my opinion - or maybe I just want him to love her) but their mutual friend Haley tried to show Peyton he doesn't hate her through some letters. Peyton says, "That's what he writes, but what he says is a totally different story." Haley responds... "Sometimes people write what they can't say." (video clip)

I wish we could all just say what we mean and mean what we say. Wishful thinking... I'm trying to be more of an adult and confront conflict rather than let it snowball into something I never intended. It's not easy... It can definitely be easier to retreat into writing. Either way... I'm totally excited about the new season!

2. I've been reading blogs from Jamie at To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) You can visit his myspace here or here . He just wrote on the TWLOHA myspace page about speaking to 50,000 people for a festival in South Dakota (who knew South Dakota had that many people? jk). Something he said that resonated with me... "maybe God doesn't look down and see this giant bunch of people. maybe God looks down and sees your story and my story. individuals. our dreams and fears and pains and hopes and all the things that make us unique. our questions and our favorite songs. these things matter so much. and somehow maybe we're all connected, everyone there in that field last night, more across a world right now. perhaps we're all in this thing together, part of a bigger story, one not over yet but still being told. hope still happening and all of us invited."

I don't know. I think sometimes I just need to feel connected. When things get crazy and I get stressed or drained I can lose perspective, but I get up every morning counting on the fact that there's more to life than this. I think we can all appreciate knowing we're not alone.

3. 20/20 did a special on a movie called about suicide jumpers on the Golden Gate bridge. A camera crew filmed the bridge for a year catching jumpers on tape. 20/20 tried to break down the pros and cons all surrounding the debate over adding safety precautions to the bridge. Check out 20/20 or the official movie site for more information.

The movie features one man, Kevin Hines who survived the jump in 2000. Suffering from bipolar, he said as soon as he jumped he regretted it. Now he spends time speaking to others and campaigning to raise the rail on the bridge in order to prevent more suicides.

4. Methodist, my employer, is getting a new athletics web site very soon. Hopefully this week... I'm pretty pumped about all of the features and would love to publish the link, but it will have to wait. In theory it's going to allow me to do my job faster! I also have an assistant this year... (thanks La!) it has taken me a couple of years, but things are starting to piece together... although I'm still striving for my spurs (one of my boss' goals for myself).

5. I've learned sometimes I need a pat on the back. Especially if you're about to criticize me. I don't want to be needy... I think I'm better at accepting constructive criticism, but I still appreciate the "sandwich approach" where you deliver a positive statement, then a future oriented, positive feedback statement, then a behavior based compliment. A silly sports psychology term that helps to build someone up before you tear them down!

6. Labor Day typically commemorates the end of summer. (It also usually means a day off but not so much in my world.) I suppose it at least gives me a chance to reflect on the last few months. I did everything I could not to work on Fridays... and it was refreshing to relax for a three-day (or sometimes more) weekend. I went to the beach on four different occasions... went to my first nerd convention in Tampa... spent some time with my other family at the OBX... made a couple of trips home to visit friends and family in QA... made my first trip to Mississippi for the grand tour of Meridian... attempted to settle into my first house along with plenty of help... and learned that things don't always work out the way you plan... but things not following the plan don't have to be bad. Summer marks the end of my free nights and weekends but some things don't have to end just because school starts... and I'm thankful... and optimistic!

6a. Every year I think I get a better handle on who I am and who is important to me. I still have a ton of acquaintances... but I work hard to spend my free time with people that matter. I can't get caught up in how things were or how I might wish they would be... I'm grateful for all of you that look out for me. I'm also grateful to all of the myspace stalkers who make me look like I have a lot of friends. :)

6b. I was always taught if I had an "a" I had to have a "b".

7. Methodist hosts Campbell on Saturday at 1 pm. Campbell is expected to bring a huge crowd... any MC/MU alumni should make the trip if you can so we don't look outnumbered on our home field! Oh... and homecoming is Nov. 1 and somehow I was put on the 2003 class recruiter or something... so this is my plug... come to homecoming. Okay one more plug... the Methodist Hall of Fame induction is Oct. 31 (yes halloween) and for anyone curious Gwen Holtsclaw, John McCormic, Sissy (Sink) Rausch and Elena Blanina are going to be inducted so come... cool.

today

Today I turned 26. I think most people stop making a big deal out of their birthdays around 21 (of course I guess some stop at 7 and then pick up again for 16, 18 and 21) so please pardon my enthusiasm about 26. I typically spend my birthday in different places other than home beginning with celebrating at summer camps while I was growing up. After college I was all over... In 2003 I was trying to make it at my first real job in Cary... In 2004 I was actually home on the shore for a little while... In 2005 I was taking my comps aka final exam in Tennessee... In 2006 I was in New Mexico... In 2007 I was hanging out with the family in Fayettenam. Today I went to work but tried to make the most of my annual holiday.

It shouldn't really be that big of a deal but I look forward to hearing from my friends and family. The one day a year when I can be a tad bit selfish and expect a call. I secretly (or not so secretly anymore for all of you that stalk my blog) test everyone's memory to see who remembers my birthday. When myspace and facebook arrived I felt like it gave everyone a cheat sheet and for the past couple of years I took my birthday down the week before to see who actually remembered but I opted to leave it up this year. Last year there were four well wishes and today there were 45. Evidently facebook is a good reminder.

Regardless I'm grateful to all of my friends and family. I received a ton of gifts today that I did not deserve nor expect. I had some help staying up til 1:03 am to ring in my actual birth in style... ok not really that exciting but I appreciated the company. I finally have my fire pit that I've been wanting since I bought my house and had a special delivery to the office to brighten up a normally blase afternoon. I wish I could combine the four different versions of "happy birthday" that I heard... someone could make a lot of money off of that mix. I've lost track of the birthday e-mails, texts and phone calls. Who knew that many people cared when I turned 26.

I hope I can soak in every moment... sometimes when you've been doing something awhile it is easy to become complacent. I don't want to take life for granted... I am blessed and extremely thankful.

august ahead...

I made the mistake of typing an entire blog within myspace before attempting to post and running into a myspace error. Don't worry, it's been forwarded to their technical group, but I have a feeling the technical group is in no hurry to rescue my ramblings. Good thing I felt strongly enough to remember most of it... :)

I typically measure time based on the schedule of my job and the vacations that come with it... occasionally. I know that summer ends August 10th when football players report and I know that Christmas break begins December 15th after the last basketball game of 2008 and I am back to work January 3rd when basketball begins again (although I do have a break from home games from Dec. 2 - Jan. 11). I also know summer begins when the last student-athlete competes at their NCAA competition in late May.

Some times I get caught up in the stress and demands of sports information, but last week I was able to recharge the batteries a bit at our nerd convention (aka SID convention). I met some new people... hung out with some people I already knew and even learned a few things in between. I can look ahead towards the new school year and say I'm excited to meet the new student-athletes and reunite with the returners. I'm excited to unveil the new website and free up some time. I'm excited to implement some new things and just be better at my job... third time's a charm right?!

I'm sure I'll still be stressed and I'll still have some bad days... but I want to be grateful for my career. No one should have hired me based on my lack of experience but I'm thankful for Methodist's ignorance or perhaps Coach Jarman's persuasive persistence. I don't always understand why Fayetteville but I trust God has a plan and I want to keep learning and growing.

I appreciate the people in my life who have supported me through the last two years of SID chaos... whether it was answering a stat-crew question in the middle of a game... taking over PA during a NCAA tournament so I could get a break... listening to me vent about my job even when you didn't have a clue what I was talking about... traveling during holidays to stat games when I didn't have the student help... or just being there... thank you.

I'm going to refuse a final summer countdown and instead choose to soak it all in...

on repeat

I've lost count of the number of times I've started this blog. Well maybe not this particular blog... but of my next blog. Growing up I never thought much of my writing abilities. I grew up writing stupid fantasy stories, but when it came to graded work, it never came easy to me. Now I end up writing to earn a paycheck and just pray I don't receive too many angry correction e-mails. Blogging lets me go back to my stupid fantasy stories when I can (in theory) write without fear of receiving a (poor) grade or a salary downgrade. At the same time blogging is exposing my writing to the myspace world. Sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to repeat myself but maybe you didn't read the first couple... :)

... I really value friendship. Perhaps too much. I have a hard time letting go of friendships that fade away. It doesn't make sense to me... especially if there's not a tangible reason. I tend to call people back. I tend to confide in the people I trust. I tend to keep in touch with the people. That's not to say I don't have people I can not see for a year and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I guess I just don't transition well when people move from the "keep in touch - hang out a lot" category to "pick up where we left off." Trying... I am.

... I really value communication. When I'm upset, I usually let you know. Sometimes I try to let it go but if it continues to eat at me then I feel like it's valid... well at least valid enough to confront you about it. On the other side, if you're mad at me, tell me... at least give me the chance to fix it. I want to be able to say that everything I say, I mean. I don't want to be someone that hurts everyone through honesty but I also don't think it's fair to lie to everyone just to be nice. There has to be a balance.

... I really value family. I go back and forth all the time about where I want to live. I grew up wanting to live in NC so I only applied to NC colleges. I wanted to stay when I graduated and had a pretty sweet job until people decided women's pro soccer wasn't worth supporting... sending me back to Maryland. I didn't have much of a social life there and went to grad school where it took me 10 months to find friends in Tennessee before I left a month later just to return to Maryland. I was engrossed in weddings but still not really digging the lack of friends... hence a move back to NC. Here I am... missing my family like crazy. Just since January I've missed my mom, sister, and brother's birthdays, easter, mother's day and father's day. I won't be with them for my birthday or my dad's or other sister's. I'm grateful to have two days at Thanksgiving and hopefully a week at Christmas. I love the shore. I'm not sure I'll meet my husband there, but I know I could raise a family there. Every time I cross the bridge I know I'm home.

... I am constantly figuring out who I am. I am constantly fighting the urge to fake it. I want to be who I am and be content with the cards I'm dealt. Still seeking...

73 days later...

Once again a drought in blogging... but I didn't hear a lot of complaining so I think I may have been the only one who noticed. :)

In the past 73 days I've managed to stay busy. I bought a house. My parents freaked out, but they've since come around... at least to my face, which I appreciate. I'm not sure I'll ever know if it was the best decision, but I'm relieved to not have to pay rent... not to mention I know a whole lot more about mortgages, real estate and home repairs.

I've thought a lot about communication lately. It keeps coming up and I feel like it's a cliche to say so but I really think it's one of the pillars of most friendships/relationships between people. I want to trust the people in my life and I base trust on if I feel like you're communicating honestly with me. Sometimes I believe people are speaking honestly, but then they act differently. Is it our words or our actions that are then trustworthy? Most of the time I would say actions... but occasionally I wonder if you just don't have the nerve to act on who you are. But then if you don't have the nerve, maybe you really are the "dishonest" actions. And of course I didn't even question if your thoughts aligned with your words and/or actions.

Are you dizzy yet? I think I just talked myself in circles. I am constantly telling myself to not invest myself so much in people because they will just disappoint. And yet time and time again I set myself up hoping for a different outcome only to be let down. I tried to pull off that whole "go with the flow" vibe and I suck at it. It's not me. I thought my words and actions could change my thought process but it didn't work. Here's to letting go...

vision

I'm having trouble seeing further than what's right in front of me. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to live in the now and not stress out about what could come but now I'm drowning in the nothingness of now and struggling to keep fighting for what's beyond it all.

I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I guess this is what happens when I work four baseball games in five days or write 26 stories in seven days or work 67 hours this week... I'm fried. This is my life in march... gotta love it.

life imitating art...

I haven't written in forever. Two of my loyal readers deserted myspace and I think there was a part of me wondering what's the point. At the same time, I think it's still healthy for me to write... whether it's necessary for me to write it in "public" for you to read I haven't decided... in the meantime here's some healthy babble.

I have this thing for the tv show "one tree hill." Most people can't stand it. It premiered around the same time as "the o.c." and "the o.c." received most of the fans and notoriety but while I followed "the o.c." I've always felt more connected to "one tree hill." I lost some of you already by trying to convince you a person could (or should) connect to a television show... but hear me out. Some of the story lines are far fetched... some have been frustrating and others have been trashy. At the same time, I love it when a character expresses him/herself because it feels honest. Peyton started out as this dark, troubled girl who expressed herself only through her drawings or music. Lucas was the outcast of his school and basketball team trying to find his place all while writing everything down. I'm not sure how realistic it all is but Lucas has shared some awesome quotes from writers while Peyton's exposed me to some great new music over the years.

Lucas and Peyton have had some ups and downs but I feel like sometimes they just say what I couldn't figure out how to say... or sometimes they just remind me that I need to express myself rather than let it stay bottled up inside. Some people find life imitates art while others think art imitates life. I just appreciate the opportunity to see a glimpse of someone or something I needed at that particular moment in this real life I live so far away from the television screen.

"The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface."

"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for all those years so he could be a good friend. I didn't come here to rehash the past. Lucas I love you and it is gonna suck but if what you really want is for me to let go then Im gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."