on repeat

I've lost count of the number of times I've started this blog. Well maybe not this particular blog... but of my next blog. Growing up I never thought much of my writing abilities. I grew up writing stupid fantasy stories, but when it came to graded work, it never came easy to me. Now I end up writing to earn a paycheck and just pray I don't receive too many angry correction e-mails. Blogging lets me go back to my stupid fantasy stories when I can (in theory) write without fear of receiving a (poor) grade or a salary downgrade. At the same time blogging is exposing my writing to the myspace world. Sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to repeat myself but maybe you didn't read the first couple... :)

... I really value friendship. Perhaps too much. I have a hard time letting go of friendships that fade away. It doesn't make sense to me... especially if there's not a tangible reason. I tend to call people back. I tend to confide in the people I trust. I tend to keep in touch with the people. That's not to say I don't have people I can not see for a year and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I guess I just don't transition well when people move from the "keep in touch - hang out a lot" category to "pick up where we left off." Trying... I am.

... I really value communication. When I'm upset, I usually let you know. Sometimes I try to let it go but if it continues to eat at me then I feel like it's valid... well at least valid enough to confront you about it. On the other side, if you're mad at me, tell me... at least give me the chance to fix it. I want to be able to say that everything I say, I mean. I don't want to be someone that hurts everyone through honesty but I also don't think it's fair to lie to everyone just to be nice. There has to be a balance.

... I really value family. I go back and forth all the time about where I want to live. I grew up wanting to live in NC so I only applied to NC colleges. I wanted to stay when I graduated and had a pretty sweet job until people decided women's pro soccer wasn't worth supporting... sending me back to Maryland. I didn't have much of a social life there and went to grad school where it took me 10 months to find friends in Tennessee before I left a month later just to return to Maryland. I was engrossed in weddings but still not really digging the lack of friends... hence a move back to NC. Here I am... missing my family like crazy. Just since January I've missed my mom, sister, and brother's birthdays, easter, mother's day and father's day. I won't be with them for my birthday or my dad's or other sister's. I'm grateful to have two days at Thanksgiving and hopefully a week at Christmas. I love the shore. I'm not sure I'll meet my husband there, but I know I could raise a family there. Every time I cross the bridge I know I'm home.

... I am constantly figuring out who I am. I am constantly fighting the urge to fake it. I want to be who I am and be content with the cards I'm dealt. Still seeking...