new memories

I used to have a habit of cutting out things in my life that reminded me of bad memories... kind of along with my whole habit of holding a grudge... it always seemed easier to forget about hurt or anger if I didn't have to re-live it every time I saw something that reminded me of the experience. I called them triggers. If I met someone at a particular restaurant, eating there again wasn't exactly on my list of things to do. I didn't want to hear songs that meant something to a former relationship. I didn't like watching movies I had seen with them, etc.

I've decided that's a dumb theory. My new theory (and yes theories are open for revision) is to replace bad memories with good ones. I'm not going to ruin a good restaurant or a great song because of a bad experience. I want to recreate new memories that replace the old.

I took a break from CiCi's for awhile. Why in the world would I sacrifice an all-you-can-eat buffet for $4.99 because of some crappy memories when I would have missed out on dinner with my best friend, some work friends or a road trip with the women's soccer team and my 'rents?

There are a number of songs that will take me back to a particular relationship. But I add them to my road trip playlists and create new memories... or spend a day reminiscing about what I learned from it.

I bought a dress to go to a wedding that lit a spark to a week that blew up in my face. Traditionally I'd avoid the dress... but this time I spent too much money to forsake it... I put it on for the next wedding and cleaned the slate.

It seems I've come to a point when I have the freedom to make choices about the direction of my life. I don't know where I'm going, with who or when... but it's ok. I'll be rocking out to "Holiday in Spain" in my wedding-date-dress at CiCi's while I figure it out.

unexpected

"We all think we're going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You've got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives."

I just read this quote for the first time tonight. I researched a bit and most people credit it to Grey's Anatomy and while it seems like everyone else in the world is watching, it's one of the few shows I don't really watch. I feel like I could go in a lot of different directions with the quote, but I guess I first want to set the blog record straight. Sometimes I just need to vent... we all have bad days... some days a vent should stay private... some days I guess I hope maybe someone can relate to my vent hence its presence on myspace... something positive has to come out of stalker space... right?

Anyway... Expectations are dangerous. The Grey's quote is referring to our own expectations, but I think I've been more crippled by others' expectations than my own... but then again maybe they were perceived expectations that I placed on myself. Too often I find myself trying to exceed expectations... and if I don't have expectations, I try to create them. Do you have to have expectations to experience the unexpected?

I've come to a point when I don't have the energy to think too far ahead. I'm typically a planner and carry a yearly calendar around with me... and part of that is a requirement of my job but outside of my work, I want to live the unexpected. The word "screw" has a few different definitions depending on the context, but I find myself saying "screw it" more often... as in what's the worst that could happen? or what the heck? or I'm tired of over-thinking it... either way... let's do it. I haven't forsaken my morals, but I also don't want to miss out on something life has to offer me. I've been steady... standing... I'd almost rather fall than stay where I am... I need to move... I've heard "the expected's just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives."