expectations

I went to the driving range today for my first golf lesson. I've been to the driving range before, but it was probably somewhere between 10-15 years ago. Now I am a graduate of a golf school, working at the same golf school, living in a corporate world that golfs, with a ton of friends that golf. I figured it was time I make an attempt. One of my bosses at work and my golf "instructor" have been conspiring about getting me out there and evidently my boss warned the "instructor" about her concerns I would get frustrated. I have a tendency to be a little competitive... okay a lot competitive (I told you I liked competition) and I also seem to put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, or win, or whatever it may be. The good news is... I did okay today. I'm not satisfied, but at least I got the ball off the ground, hit it straight occasionally, and didn't hit anyone or anything. A good start I'd say... particularly if you were familiar with my history of trying new sports.

Almost nine years ago I decided to play lacrosse. It was my junior year of high school. Most of my soccer teammates were on the team, my back was struggling to continue pole vaulting and the team needed a goalkeeper. The starting keeper was a senior with no solid backups to takeover so I decided I'd learn... My first experience in the goal was an indoor tournament where I think I cried through the whole thing. Doubting my decision, I wavered a bit, but somehow showed up for the first day of tryouts. I sucked... and I knew it. American Idol is a commercial success because they have a bunch of dumb people who think they can sing and make fools of themselves throughout the audition process. I wasn't that naive. In the first scrimmage of the year, with nothing to lose, they threw me in the goal for the second half and I ran out to try to beat an attacker to a loose ball and plowed her over subsequently breaking her neck. I was advised to stay in the crease after that. I really only got playing time when we were winning by a lot and I think most of the time I just closed my eyes and threw my body out there praying I'd stop the ball. During a night game midway through the year with the stadium packed, we were down by too much when our coach called a timeout. I had taken on the responsibility of grabbing the big gatorade cooler and taking it to the team to expedite their hydration process. I was a little slow to remember on this occasion so I ran over, grabbed it, and started running back with it when my feet started to have trouble keeping up with the cooler. I ended up sprawled out on the field with the water and ice everywhere. I laid there for awhile considering my options... knowing everyone in our school had just witnessed a pretty big fall... our assistant is sweeping ice off the field with my goalie stick and I finally stand up and take a bow. What else can I do... let's just say I was remembered more for my watercooler antics that year than I was my goalkeeping abilities.

My senior year I was thrown in the goal for real. My year of apprenticeship was over and it was up to me. I still don't think I had a clue what I was doing. We could win 20-2 but I would still be angry I had let the other team score. There were many nights when we'd finish close to 9 at night and I'd head over to our practice field to try to get better... I was never satisfied and always felt like I was letting the team down. During our awards banquet at the end of the year I read a letter to the team... well attempted to read it... I apologized for not being better and for being a jerk to them when I had been mad at myself. I keep the letter closeby when I'm trying to live up to unrealistic expectations even now. I think, too often, I project onto myself what I think are others' expectations of me.

Joan Didion said, "To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect."

I'm a work in progress.