december

One trip down... three or four more to go. While I was in Florida this week I finished the book "the shack" by William Young. My future bro-in-law bought it for me months ago but reading gets tough during the semester. It's been on the NY Times Bestseller list so I've been anxious to check it out and I think I could even benefit from another reading just to try and grasp everything better. But... one of the chapters was called "Verbs and Other Freedoms" and has really left me thinking. One of the characters Sarayu was teaching another character, Mack about the differences between nouns and verbs in a relationship with God. Mack was stuck thinking of religion in terms of responsibility and expectations and Sarayu said "Before your words became nouns, they were first my words, nouns with movement and experience buried inside of them; the ability to respond and expectancy. My words are alive and dynamic - full of life and possibility; yours are dead, full of law and fear and judgment. That is why you won't find the word responsibility in the Scriptures."

Sarayu went on to try to explain religion without law, fear and judgement. "Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, or laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation' - spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

Mack responds that he would much rather live in expectancy. I too, would rather live in expectancy.

On another note, my boss was telling me a story (one of many during a 10-hour van ride to florida) about one of his former players finding his wife. A Jewish guy, he was going to Israel to serve as a player-coach in the Maccabiah Games (Jewish Olympics) and wore a sign at the opening ceremonies that read ''Single male. American. Looking for Israeli Wife. Contact Todd Schayes at the Tel Aviv Hilton.'' Thousands of women responded and when the media caught on in the U.S. a woman in Connecticut forwarded her niece's contact information to Todd and they eventually married. I thought perhaps my boss had inflated the story a bit but I found all the details from the NY Times. Quality reading...
Schayes search
Schayes wedding
My favorite quote... "I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful romantic." - Todd Schayes

I'll be in Colorado until Tuesday and then the Bahamas from Wednesday until Sunday. Heading to Maryland on Monday if all goes well. Please pray for safe travel!

fireproof

My sister's fiance Barton told me about the movie Fireproof months ago so I feel like I've been waiting forever to see it. Kelsey and I decided to go see it Friday night and her mom was a little concerned as she told us it was supposed to be for married couples... I'm not sure I have time to go into why that is particularly funny but the truth is Kelsey and I are both hoping to marry Christian men someday so the movie would still apply.

The movie's been out since Sept. 26 and yet the theater was still packed here in fayettenam. I was willing to cut some slack on the acting just because of my hopes for the content. I was surprised at how quickly the female lead, Catherine, my support... but then how quickly I was routing for the male lead, Caleb, to win her back.

One of my favorite parts was when Caleb's coworker was telling him about his own marriage. Michael told him "Don't just follow your heart, man, because your heart can be deceived. You have to lead your heart."

I've just always heard people tell me to follow my heart... but there can be such a tug of war battle for your heart that I can really appreciate Michael's advice. I pray that I can protect my heart in such a way that it could be guarded from deceit. Definitely a work in progress...

mrs. quimby

Tonight has not been easy. One of my friends from home called to tell me my favorite math teacher of all time passed away as the result of complications from a car accident last Tuesday.

I feel like I was just sitting here writing about losing people and once again... here I am feeling a deep sense of loss. I was upset when I heard about the car accident last week but I think I convinced myself Mrs. Quimby was such a strong woman that she would definitely recover. To hear she didn't make it just doesn't seem possible. I find peace knowing her husband Walt was waiting for her. I also find peace knowing she lived a life full of giving... full of life... a life that inspired so many others. She must hold the record for convincing the most high school students to enjoy AP Calculus.

Second semester of my sophomore year I met Mrs. Quimby for the first time to take Calculus. A few of my sophomore friends and I were thrown in with a bunch of seniors and we stayed afloat in large part because of Mrs. Quimby. Whether she was scribbling through a whole roll of overheads or dancing around with a new way to remember a formula, I was entertained. I was a big fan of one of her mantras... "if you can do 2, you can do 200!" During my junior year I saw Mrs. Quimby every day and looked forward to her exciting It's Academic field trips. I had no desire to be on the quiz show, but I loved a day out of school to go to the zoo or Christmas shopping. I spent another semester with Mrs. Quimby my senior year as some of us went on to brave AP Calc BC. It has to mean something if students are volunteering to battle more calculus. Somehow we thought we were cool because she instilled it in us... calculus is cool right?

I miss her tonight. I'm watching the video of my high school graduation just so I can catch a glimpse of her. My senior class voted on our favorite teachers and she was one of the top six to "win" a seat next to the stage to greet all of the graduates. She was loved by all. I might have to do some derivatives or integrals just to fall asleep. I miss her tonight.

load

Most people love the weekend to get a break from work. Unfortunately there are weekends when I'm looking forward to Monday just to work an 8-hour day rather than 12-15 hours. However, work or not, I truly love Sundays. I could have slept in today. I really did not have to be to work until 11:30 or 12 for a basketball doubleheader this afternoon. I was up until after 1 am and could have used the extra sleep. After this past week I definitely could have used some extra sleep and a morning "off". I'm not sure how to explain it, but in my life, a morning at church is better than sleeping in. Next Sunday I don't even have to work so I can easily go back and take nap but there's just something about going to church and letting go of the struggles from the previous week and embracing what God has to offer in the coming week.

This morning the focus was on Matthew 11:28-30. One of my favorites I've always heard it from the New International Version but I'm also a big fan of the Message for this one...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I went to church this morning seeking real rest beyond whatever sleeping in could give me. Dr. Michael Cogdill is the interim pastor at Snyder and laid out some ways to handle a heavy load... or overload. He said sometimes people resort to whining but instead we could 1) get rid of some of it... easy enough? Physically give up some of your responsibilities (no he doesn't mean get rid of your kids, spouse or parents). 2) break it up... Dr. Cogdill referenced tackling house projects. It can be overwhelming to look at a long to do list, but focusing on one room at a time makes it more bearable. 3) share it... We should all have someone in our lives to share our load with... or more importantly Jesus said come share it with me.

It all sounds simple enough but sometimes the hardest part is making it real... applying it to our lives. Letting go of the load...

saints

This morning at church we "celebrated" All Saints Day. I had heard of the holiday but never really spent any time contemplating it. Some recognize saints in different ways but I think based on scripture that a saint is anyone born again by faith in Christ.

"To all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 1:7)

"And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12)

The staff at Snyder spent a lot of time talking about the shoulders of the ones we stand on in our life.. the people that may have gone before us but have influenced us to become who we are today. I have spent a lot of time at funerals in the last 26 years. I could go on and on listing people who I have lost. For some there was a peace that they wouldn't suffer anymore... for some there was relief they are in a better place... and for many there was extreme sadness wishing they didn't leave me so soon.

My aunt passed away when I was in third grade. I lost my mom's parents a month apart in fifth grade. My dad's best friend and cousin died during one of my high school soccer games. A high school classmate committed suicide before we graduated. One of my best friend's mom's lost a battle to cancer while I was away for a summer. A football player died my freshman year of college. My last grandparent passed away while I was away at college. My dad's uncle that he took care of, died on my birthday. Another high school classmate left us too soon with complications from diabetes. And those are just a small sampling of the loss in my life... but I pray that I never become too comfortable with death just because of its frequency.

When Giles was talking this morning a verse came to find from Psalms 116:15 that says "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." That could be really morbid, but I take comfort in it... knowing God cherishes us through death. Regardless, I'm so thankful for the saints in my life who have lived their lives in a way that inspires me to seek His face even more passionately.

Meanwhile... there are those of us here still battling this earthly mess. I'm grateful to the people in my life who help me get through hard times and I pray that I can be a help to them when they need me. Giles' "Servant Song" says...

"We are travelers on a journey fellow pilgrims on the road. We are here to help each other walk a mile and bear the load. I will hold the christ light for you in the night time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you say the peace you long to hear. I will hold you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. Brother let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you. Pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant to. Sister let me be your servant. let me be as Christ to you. Pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant to. I will hold you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. I will carry. Here's my shoulder, I will journey with you. Will you journey with me?"

Letting go of burdens is not easy. It is so much easier said than done. It appears to be much easier to handle it ourselves rather than trust someone else with it. Last night I was talking about how God's requests are not conditional. He doesn't say forgive only if the offender apologizes. He doesn't say love your neighbor only if they love you back. He doesn't say give me your burden only if someone else is giving me the burden too. He does say "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

or in other words from the message version... "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

He makes it sound so easy. Why wouldn't we do it? We're scared... we still want to have control. But we obviously suck at it or we probably wouldn't be in this predicament. :) Nevertheless... I think when we're ready to give up that burden, we should look to those around us who are right next to us waiting to be the shoulder... waiting to carry us... waiting to be the servant to help get through this journey together.

warriors

Not to let this blog become a complete shoutout to tv... but to take a break from one tree hill, I watch army wives. Most people here in Fayetteville... or I guess the army in general aren't thrilled with the inaccuracies portrayed through the show, but I don't really watch the show for an army lesson just like I didn't watch Pocahontas for a history lesson.

There's been a developing storyline around a soldier who lost his legs. He returned to Ft. Army Wives to speak to other "warriors in transition." I admit, I'm a sucker for the inspirational, contemplative soliloquy but I really liked Mac's thoughts...

"You know what they say, you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. On May 2, at about 2 in the afternoon I had to let go of most of my plans, because most of my plans involved me having legs. Letting go, that's what this is mostly about. The first thing you gotta let go of is worrying about stuff you can't control. What happened, happened. So take a deep breath, this is your new reality. Whatever anger and frustration, you gotta let go of that too. There's no reverse button on our lives. If there was, I would go back to May 2nd, I would do it different. But I can't. It isn't going to be easy because your brain is going to want keep trying to steer you off course like some stubborn horse that don't want to stay on the trail. But the really important things, those get clearer in your head. I mean it. Whatever junk you thought you needed to make your life worthwhile, that goes away. Life gets a lot more basic and a lot richer. Now the coming months… it's scary man I won't tell you it isn't. Small changes can be scary and this ain't small. It's like you started out as one person, but a thing like this it changes you and this whole new person starts to form, but until you let go you'll never realize your full potential. So that's it. All of this here in this room, we were given a special challenge and what I have to keep believing is that special challenges allow for something special to float to the surface… something that I may never have known about myself if may 2nd 2 pm hadn't happened. It's all about letting go of what could've been and only holding on to the things that really matter."



Most of us will never lose a limb... but maybe there's something else we've had to let go. It can be difficult to find the good in it... keep looking... keep fighting.

secrets

So I'm four years late, but I was just clued into postsecret.com (thanks kelsey :)People send their secrets on postcards to this random guy who posts them on his blog. He's written books and now he's even traveling to college campuses with a show all about everyone else's secrets.

Some are funny...


and some make me cry...


But it just really makes me wonder about the people who are sending the secrets. I think we all have secrets and most of us have at least someone to share them with. But postsecret.com seems to be for those who either have no one to share with or the secrets are so secret they can't be shared with even the people they trust the most.

Just the word "secret" brings a lot of different thoughts... there's oprah's crazy fix on the book and movie, "the secret" where if you believe it, it will happen. There's victoria's secret for your shopping fix. There's secret deoderant that hopefully makes us smell good. And then there's good old fashioned webster's definition 1 a: kept from knowledge or view b: marked by the habit of discretion c: working with hidden aims or methods d: not acknowledged e: conducted in secret.

If postsecret.com helps people share their secrets in a way that relieves guilt or temptation or pain then I'm all for it. There's still a part of me that hopes we can all find someone to trust.... someone to spill our guts to.... someone who will listen without judgment... someone who will cry with us and laugh with us... and even someone who can knock some sense into us when we've lost touch with reality.

Thank you to those of you who let me share my secrets.