a working mom...

Britt is great at alumni affairs

I'm not sure I really comprehended the guilt moms face until I became one. I feel like I spent plenty of time around moms beforehand and I knew about all the debates between natural birth vs. everything else and breastfeeding vs. formula and disposable diapers vs. cloth and chemicals vs. natural. I felt like I had done my research and made some decisions while deciding to play the others by ear. Social media allows people to share their opinion freely so you can usually tell where people fit in the debates. Even if they're not posting their opinion directly, they're sharing others' opinions or at least liking others' posts about it.

I know I didn't prepare myself for the shame that can tie itself to the guilt. I nursed Britt exclusively at first. I felt like that's all I did and at eight weeks and after way too many weight checks, he was still not gaining weight like he should so our pediatrician suggested supplementing. She said I took it better than she thought I would, but there was such relief to have a medical professional tell me Britt needed formula. Surely no one could look down on me for giving Britt formula if my doctor told me I had to! There was still a part of me that wanted a doctor's note or something as I hid the formula when we were out in public.. hoping people would think it was some of my milk in the bottle.

I never thought I would care about the stay at home vs. working mom debate. My best friend is a stay at home mom while my mom and sisters are working moms. I've just never seen myself as a stay at home mom... even when I dreamt of having 12 kids. In reality, it's unlikely anyone can have 12 kids and afford the childcare, but I've always assumed I would work. And then people started asking questions. Are you going back to work? How long is your maternity leave? You're going back already? Who is taking care of Britt? You're taking him to a daycare? Most of it was probably innocent and not nearly as judgy as it sounded in my whacked out postpartum hormone head, but I started feeling guilty.

I went back to work "part-time" when Britt was just over six weeks old. My boss was so flexible and offered to let me stay home longer and I burst into tears at the thought of it. I needed to come back to work, and yet I felt so guilty for wanting to work. I didn't have enough sick time or vacation time to get all six weeks paid leave. Thankfully I had short-term disability to help make up some of the difference and I used financial need to justify my quick return, but in reality I needed an outlet. I think I'm a better mom when I go to work, and yet I hate when I miss things because I "have" to work. I'm fortunate to have a job where I can bring Britt to some of our events. He has traveled to Orlando and Nashville for work and I've had college students babysit him while I run to a meeting real quick or try to pull off a successful event. There is a sense of relief when I drop off Britt at daycare and I have even more relief when I get home from work and I get to see his smile when I walk in the door. I have to remind myself that I can love Britt and still enjoy work.

I keep telling myself that being a working mom is making him more adaptable... that daycare is making his immune system stronger... that he has good social skills, but I never want to take away from the moms who stay at home. Sometimes we try to make ourselves feel better and end up making other people feel like crap... unintentionally of course. My justification could come off as if my son of a working mom will be smarter or more socialized than the son of a stay at home mom. Or maybe your son of a stay at home mom will be smarter because you never left his side and taught him how to read at nine months. Maybe we just need thicker skin... or less guilt.