A year ago today I wrote Steve a letter and mailed it. Yes, through the United States Postal Service. We like to keep our sisters employed so we do that occasionally. We had reconnected over the weekend and after a bad start in November, I was paranoid. I wanted to get to know Steve and I was thinking I should probably let him get to know me, but there were some timing concerns and this just felt like a big deal.
I know it's easy for me to say that now that we're engaged, but I re-read the letter this weekend and I remember just feeling so much pressure. I had dated some douche bags, but I had also dated some really nice guys that I just ended up hurting. I was trying so hard to open up, but yet I wanted to protect both of us in the event things didn't pan out the way we wanted.
I have always known Steve sees the best in me, but that was scary for a couple of reasons. First, I was sure I wouldn't live up to his expectations and he'd be disappointed. But it was also scary to think enough of myself to believe what he saw in me. Cockiness is such a huge turn-off, but confidence is so attractive. I know it's not as easy as flipping a switch and believing in yourself, but there is something to be gained from knowing who you are and owning it.
I'm so grateful for the people in my life who encourage me and remind me of who I am. My worth is in Christ, but sometimes it is too easy to feel like I never measure up. It is reassuring to see where I was a year ago and know that my value is not tied up in Steve or another person, but to still rest in knowing Steve sees the best in me and I can trust him.
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