I said YES

I keep trying to come up with adequate words to describe last Friday, and it all falls flat. I may not be a “girly girl,” but I have always wanted to get married. I wanted to experience a love like that… I wanted to find “the one.” I’ve waited longer than many, but not as long as some… and along the way I’ve imagined what Friday would look like… what it would feel like. I wrote an entire blog about it when I didn’t even have a boyfriend. I’ve watched hundreds of proposal videos, but once I knew it would be Steve, I never wanted to put any pressure on him. I never wanted him to feel like he couldn’t live up to these crazy expectations I had. Everyone warned me that no one would be able to live up to them…

And yet Steve surpassed every expectation I had. He planned for months, he got a ton of people involved and he orchestrated the perfect proposal for me. I couldn’t have asked for anything more and I can’t wait to marry him!

Steve and I are so grateful for all of the people who have been so supportive of our relationship. It’s been nearly impossible to respond to everyone over the last few days and share our story so I’m giving you the cliffnotes via all the FAQ I keep getting.

Q: Were you surprised?

A:  Absolutely. Steve and I had talked about getting married since August, and I knew he was going to propose, but I had no idea when it would happen. He wanted to ask my dad’s permission and I wasn’t sure when he was going to do that since he’s in North Carolina and my dad’s in Maryland. I had just seen Steve the weekend before and he led me to believe he hadn’t talked to my dad yet so I had spent the week complaining to my friends and family and I was getting antsy (meanwhile he had driven up to MD without me knowing and asked my dad almost a month earlier!). I knew Steve was driving to Maryland on Friday to spend the weekend with my family for my dad’s birthday, but I didn’t think he was getting here until much later.

Q: How did they get you to the stadium?

A: My dad had told me a couple weeks ago that he had won a fan tour of Ravens stadium for being a season ticket holder. He has always wanted to find a way to get on the field and he was so excited (I’m still convinced he was more excited for the tour than the proposal!). He told me he was taking off work and asked if I could leave work early to get there for a 3 p.m. tour. My boss had been out of the office for a couple of weeks and was just coming back the day before so I wasn’t sure I could swing it, but I thought it would be a good way to spend time with my dad to start his birthday weekend. I wasn’t too worried about the tour since I had just gone to the Ravens’ “Ladies Night” that Monday, but it seemed like everyone was adamant that I go. I finally got the nerve to ask my boss if I could leave early and he gave me the okay just as Steve and everyone else who was in on the proposal breathed a big sigh of relief!

Q: And then??

A: This woman was giving us our tour and I felt kind of bad for her because I didn’t think she was the greatest tour guide. We made it out to the field and were hanging out on one of the benches and she said, “Since you guys are extra special guests, you get to take your picture on the 50 yard line!” Meanwhile, I’m thinking we’re not that special, because everyone was taking pictures there on Monday night, but we walk out there. It felt kind of silly, but I’m thinking we’ll appreciate this cute family picture later. We had to do some reorganizing to get Kelsie and Barton next to each other and I had the familiar thought that I wished Steve could have come so I didn’t have to be the awkward fifth wheel in another family photo (no offense to my four month old nephew, Andrew). The tour guide says, “There’s just something missing… I think we need a football.” It sounded super cheesy and Barton made a joke, but I felt bad for her and I didn’t want my dad to feel like he got gypped on this tour so I’m trying to rationalize why we need to take another picture with a football. I’m thinking she’s up to something, but I legitimately think it’s a surprise for my dad since he won this tour. And then I turn around and Steve is coming out of the tunnel. I started walking toward him, and then I turned around to my family and said, “I hoped this would happen!” Not that I thought I was getting engaged that day, but I really did want to get engaged and I really wanted Steve to be there and the combination of both things happening at once were exploding in my head! As I was walking toward him, I was thinking, “Oh no, I hope he didn’t want to do this in the middle of the field, because that’s going to be awkward to walk back!” Meanwhile he had told my family if I didn’t start walking toward him, to move out of the way because he didn’t want them crowding him and making him nervous.

Q: When you saw him, did you know he was going to propose?

A: I was desperately trying not to assume, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was really, really hoping! I tried to prepare myself for the fact that he might just be surprising me at the tour since I didn’t think he could come. But then he was shaking and rambling and I knew!

Q: What did he say?

A: I have NO idea! He said some really nice things about forever and I mumbled something about absolutely. My family asked him what he said and he doesn’t have a clue either. My brain was going a mile and a minute and I realized I didn’t care what he said. He had told me everything I needed to hear over the last year for me to know how to answer.

Q: And then??

A: And then I said YES! He put a beautiful ring on my finger that I don’t know any of the details to share with you except it’s perfect and he had the inside engraved with, “Loving you is easy” from the Ben Rector songthat he had Mitch Clark sing for me a couple of months earlier. He topped off the day with a dinner with my parents, all my siblings, nephews, aunt and uncle, and my best friend and her husband. I didn’t feel like I was putting together any coherent sentences, but it was the perfect way to celebrate an amazing day.

Q: So when’s the wedding?

A: Good question. It is looking like May or June 2015.

Q: Who’s moving?

A: Another good question… that I don’t have the answer to. We agreed months ago that we would both be open to moving to find the best opportunity for us. I am fortunate that I have an amazing network of friends and family in NC from the nine previous years I spent there, but I’ve also worked hard to make sure Steve knew I was willing to share my MD friends and family if he were to move here. I am still researching a way for us to be in both places… at the same time.

Q: Wasn’t that fast?

A: I think it depends on your perspective. If we were 18, maybe. But we’re 32. If you’re judging our relationship on facebook posts, maybe. But we spent a lot of time figuring out our relationship before we ever shared anything on facebook. I will be the first to admit, Steve knew way before me, but this was a year in the making. I had lots of questions, lots of uncertainty early, but Steve waited for me to figure it out. I always knew how he felt, and I felt like God was slowly opening my heart. The distance was actually a blessing for us, because it tempered the time we could be together and let our relationship develop in the perfect amount of time for us, rather than the too much too soon that has sometimes plagued my previous relationships. Some kept waiting for me to freak out about my relationship with Steve and how fast things seemed to be moving, but once I knew, I knew. We’re not perfect, but this is it. I’m all in and he’s stuck with me!

don't stop learning...

Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new. - Og Mandino 

We spend a good portion of our early years learning. We reach a certain age and our parents send us off to school for what seems like the next 50 years.. Most people usually go to college and more and more people are attending graduate school for to obtain even more degrees… more learning. 

There are some people who think they have learned everything before they have. It’s not always a conscious decision, but sometimes we finish school and think we’re done. Or we learn a new job and think we’ve made it. Or you raise one kid and think you’ve mastered it. 

Usually there’s a moment when you come back to reality. Hopefully it’s not so miserable, but sometimes it takes getting laid off or suffering through a broken relationship before we wake up. I love routine, but sometimes we fall into routine so easily, that we get comfortable and forget to stretch ourselves. There is always something to learn. I can always learn to be better at what I love, and I can learn to love something new. Imagine how much you would have missed out on had you stopped learning at 18 or even 25. 

Sometimes we become too hardheaded to open our minds to something different. We grow up learning something one way and can’t grasp a different way. I’m not making an argument for Common Core and their crazy math, but I think it is okay to change our minds. I suppose the extreme of this would be to give up everything we know to be true in search of the latest and greatest fad. I don’t want to appear lukewarm or uncommitted, but I do want to keep an open mind. I want to always seek truth. There are people who were adamant that the earth was flat or that people of a different race were not equal. They really believed it, but that doesn’t mean they were any less wrong.  

A former student e-mailed me recently to update me on her job search. She has a job, but she's looking for something in a different career field. She’s been finding positions she likes and taking notes about the skills she’s lacking. We’ve been talking about how to get the experience and/or learn the skills she needs. It sounds simple, but how often do we just limit our searches to our skills and experience rather than choosing to learn something new so we can expand our search? 

On Sunday, I saw an older couple baptized. Forget about the denominational debate about baptism for a minute and check out their story. Their son has cancer, but as the couple watched their son and his wife deal with the cancer and draw their strength from God, the couple was strengthened and wanted that same thing. I can’t imagine watching your son struggle with cancer, but it was so moving for me to see a couple who decided they weren’t too old to change their minds about their faith. I have no idea how old they are, but despite being “over the hill,” they are still learning. 

So sign up for that class. Apply for the job that seems out of reach. Try something new. Ask the question. Read the book. Watch the documentary. Keep learning.

TMI...

I could go on and on about the positives of social media. I really believe in the benefits it provides personally and professionally, but I'm not oblivious to the negatives. We spend a lot of time in college athletics talking about social media and how to educate student-athletes (and sometimes staff) to use it successfully. I think one of the biggest questions to ask is always, "How much is too much?" There are no official rules and I'm sure there are people all over the spectrum in terms of what they deem acceptable, but I've been brainstorming a lot on how to find the balance, especially when writing a blog. People usually appreciate vulnerability. We want truth, but at some point there's a line that we cross that makes us feel like creepy voyeurists and we just run away with our eyes covered. 

Many people will use social media to gush about their current relationship. I think there is a time and place to share about your awesome relationship. Please compliment your significant other, celebrate those milestones and share those photos of your adventures through life together. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure your friends want to see a daily (let alone hourly) post about how you've been together for 22 days 14 hours 5 minutes, nor do most friends support daily selfies from bed… but if they're still following you, that's on them. :) 

The bigger problem comes when you break up. I have this thing where when I get dumped, I usually don't want the guy or anyone else to know he hurt me. I'm going to at least appear strong even if all I want to do is cry. I'm not sure the "fake it 'til you make it" approach is psychologically approved, but it feels safe at least from a public perspective. I'm definitely going to vent to my best friend and tell her how hurt I am, but I'm not always sure what the public venting accomplishes. If enough people like your status or favorite your tweet, will you feel better? Too often, we don't get the approval rating we want and we end up feeling even more lousy. I am not saying we should bottle up our feelings or stifle all emotion. I, of all people, believe in expressing ourselves, but I'm just not sure a public domain is always the best place to heal from a relationship. 

In most cases (not all), I think it's usually safe to share with a  friend or family member first. If I were in charge of social media law, I might even ask we put a moratorium on all social media sharing for a week after a breakup (or longer depending on how long the relationship was and/or how traumatic the breakup).  Take some time to heal and talk it through with your inner circle (or even journal!) before saying something you'll regret via social media. I'm much more patient with the sappy, but I am also a lot more hesitant to buy into the sappy if you were being all googly-eyed with a different person last month. 

Can we be genuine without drowning in the woe is me? Can we replace one post with an actual conversation this week? Can you find something positive to share?

chasing life...

I have a habit of watching tv shows aimed at a target audience 10-20 years younger than myself. I used to be able to blame it on working with college students, but I'm not sure I can even use that excuse anymore. 

If you haven't seen it, Chasing Life is a new show on ABC Family that follows April Carver as she is diagnosed with, and deals with leukemia. She spent most of the first eight episodes in denial, before she comes to a point of confrontation this week. April works for a Boston newspaper and the day before she starts chemo, she wrote a piece about a gubernatorial candidate walking out of a debate to check on his son who has brain cancer.

"As I watched Bruce Hendrie at the debate the other night, I didn't see a wealthy businessman or a candidate seeking office standing before me. I saw a father and I recognized that look in his eyes, that terrible fear because I've seen that same fear in my own mother's eyes, and my grandma's eyes, and my baby sister eyes, because I have cancer too.  And let me tell you, it’s a bitch. And it’s an equal opportunity offender. No amount of money in the world, no amount of privilege, can make you exempt. Look at Leo Hendrie. And when it chooses you, you’re suddenly thrust into a club that you didn’t ask to join. You’re shipped off to war even though you never enlisted in the army. But you have to put on your armour anyway, and know that if you’re lucky, you’ll discover new sides of yourself, Like a will you never knew you had. And you’ll get to see new sides of the people who matter the most to you in the world, as they rap you in their love and lend you their strength when yours is running low. And then you go off and you fight. You fight like hell. Because, really, what other choice do you have?" - April Carver

There's a lot I can pull out of this especially after knowing way too many people who have fought cancer (let's be honest.. knowing one person is one too many). It bothers me that it takes cancer (or other hard times) to see new sides of the people who matter the most to you in the world. Sometimes the bad comes out in people and you wish that it never came to this… but so often the bad… the cancer, the divorce, the death… brings out the best in the best people. I wish it didn't take the bad to bring out the good. 

I could never wish any of the bad on anyone… but I wonder what you might say… how you might act if a situation was more dire. 

Would you get over the grudge faster? Would you love bigger? Would you give more? Would you take a leap of faith sooner? 

Don't wait for the bad to be the best you can be.

grace in failing...

It has been well documented that I am an expert grudge holder. I've made a conscious effort to let go.. of all of it, but it's a continual process. I'm never more reminded than when the roles are reversed… and someone is holding a grudge against me. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm not perfect and occasionally I mess up. I can't help but be reminded of my own stubbornness and bitterness when I suddenly want graciousness and forgiveness from someone else.

With children there are hundreds of discipline techniques to teach them to not mess up again. Timeouts, spanking, grounding… take your pick, but we learn from an early age that when you mess up there are negative consequences and the disciplinarians hope the consequences convince you whatever you did wrong wasn't worth the consequences. Hopefully, as we get older, we mature and need less of the negative consequences. In theory, we know the difference between right and wrong and I would like to believe that while we still often suffer consequences, we don't need them to know we messed up.

When people mess up, sometimes I get mad and/or hurt and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. If you wrong me, I'm usually afraid to let you off the hook because I'm not sure I trust that you won't do it again. The "easy" answer is for me to cut people out… one strike and you're out. I want to be able to say I forgive you, but I don't condone what you did. I want to show grace without being weak. I want to love without being naive.

Jen Hatmaker wrote a pretty sweet blog about grace and failure this week. She told a story about showing grace toward her son when he messed up. There's a part of me that cringed… wondering if they did enough. Did he learn his lesson? Will he just make the same mistake next time?

And yet she says…

"Mamas, we discipline to teach our children responsibility, honesty, character, and godliness – all important. But we forgive to teach them mercy, kindness, gentleness, and grace – all equally important. We communicate to them, 'This is not a perfect family; it’s a human family held together by love, compassion, and a lot of duct tape.' We must get vulnerable and honest with our children, sharing our mistakes and identifying with them way down deep in their guilt, teaching them that we are safe and they need never hide from us. 

Your kids will fail in sometimes epic, embarrassing ways. Like you did. Like I did. This doesn’t mean you’ve done a sorry job as a parent or your child is destined for the penitentiary. It just means God has given you yet another chance to act justly, to love mercy, and to learn to walk humbly with Him. If motherhood hasn’t taught us to die to self, then we haven’t been paying a lick of attention."

I am confident this doesn't work with every kid or every circumstance. But it is refreshing to see grace in action. I want to have another chance to forgive to teach mercy, kindness, gentleness, and grace.

making a living or selling out...

Lately I've noticed some more United States women's soccer (USWNT) players tweeting more sponsored tweets or those tweets that come off as obligatory ads based on a contract. Usually it's for a silly company and/or it doesn't seem like anyone tried very hard to mask the ad. 

Very few women's soccer players are becoming millionaires just by playing the game, especially in the United States. (Of course I actually don't think professional athletes need to be millionaires, but that's for another day.) I credit those players who have been able to utilize agents and/or take advantage of their stock to secure outside sponsorships. In the latest version of women's professional soccer (NWSL) in the U.S. many players can't afford to live off of their salary. The USWNT players are paid by US Soccer, the national governing body, and many other players work other jobs, play overseas in the offseason and/or live with host families to make ends meet. I can understand that a sponsor might be helpful. 

Typically, sponsorships are seen as a gauge to judge success. Businesses, colleges, athletes and more are looking for new ways to add sponsors. Sometimes the sponsor trades ad space for product, while other times the sponsor will pay for ad space or some form of promotion. An individual or a group's ability to add sponsors, typically showcases marketability and/or popularity. No one is knocking on my door to sponsor my blog based on my limited views, but the top blogs have the potential to be profitable with ad space. Very few Fortune 500 companies are seeking out the NWSL as a league or USWNT players to sponsor. Many will judge the league's success based on not only the number of sponsors and amount of sponsorship dollars, but the quality of the sponsors. 

I want few things more than to see women's soccer players make a living playing the game they love. I just start to wonder when players are promoting Nesquik as a way to refuel after exercise and sending cheesy tweets about Cocoa Pebbles… Is this a sign that companies are willing to compensate women's soccer players or are players willing to sell out to make a quick buck? Are you going to buy Nesquik because I tweet about it? Are you more likely to buy it if Sydney Leroux tweets about it? Maybe all of these little kids are forcing their parents into buying it for them… but I must say I never used Pert Plus because Mia Hamm supposedly did. 

Of course this could also just irritate me because I think it treads on the twitter landscape of "authentic" communication with people previously unreachable. Twitter succeeds when people feel like they're hearing from those people they may not have access to otherwise. Do your followers trust you when you sprinkle in sponsored tweets? Do your followers believe that you really use that product? Regardless, I'm interested to see where it goes. Will sponsored tweets continue to gain steam or will they fade? Will more USWNT players pick up sponsors if these others succeed? Can't wait to find out…

timing...

I'm not very good at trusting God's timing. I'm kind of a planner and sometimes he doesn't let me in on his plans and it stresses me out. It's also typically taboo to talk about personal finances, but I'm about to be more open than usual when it comes to my moolah (aka money).

I bought a house in May 2008. Everyone told me I was throwing away money by renting and I could probably even get a mortgage that was less than my rent. Well… I got a few things wrong in that deal. First of all I was paying $400 a month to share a two-bedroom apartment and insisted on buying a four-bedroom house so my little sister and two friends could live with me. I bought a house in a city with two universities and a pretty big army base that were supposed to guarantee me a safety net in an unsteady economy. I protected myself with roommates to help me pay my mortgage and a city full of potential renters should I ever decide to move. I think I even thought it might be my first of tons of rental properties to make me "rich."

Some of the problems with my decision…

...the roommate situation ended and I wasn't sure I wanted roommates again. In the summer of 2009, I began living by myself and I loved it… that is except for the mortgage. It worked for awhile until I "had" to buy a new car in the summer of 2011. Things were a little tight, but I always made it work. In the same breath, I always wondered how things might be different if only I could keep roommates.

…I bought  a house built in the 60s with bathrooms smaller than the typical closet in a house built today. This is not a strong selling point, but I wanted a house that could stand the test of 20-somethings living in it.

…I took the first-time homebuyer's credit. In 2008, if you bought a house for the first time, the government gave you an interest-free loan of $7,500. You were free and clear for two years before they started making you pay it back, $500 every year as long as you owned the house (as in if you sold the house you had to pay it all back). It sounded like a pretty good deal. Worst case scenario I could throw it in a CD or something and make a little money off of it. Best case scenario I could use it for some home improvements and increase the value of my house. Of course it stung a little when they changed the rules in 2009 and made the first-time homebuyer credit an $8,000 gift.

…I decided to move away. As previously documented, I took a job in Maryland and my house was on the market for more than a year before selling in September 2013. Thanks to some awesome number crunching from my realtor, I signed over the house without having to bring any money to the table. I didn't make any money, but I didn't have to pay anything either. At the time it felt like I escaped… it even appeared as if I broke even. And yet the whole point of buying over renting was to be able to own a house, sell a house and walk away with something. On top of the money I had "lost" in the mortgage and home improvements, I was dreading April 15 when I would have to pay the remainder of the tax credit back to the government.

… I was afraid to rent my house. Everyone said my house was in a great location to rent, but I was worried about being six hours away. I was worried renters would mess it up. I was worried I couldn't get enough in rent to cover my costs. I was worried if I rented it and found my own place, that the renting thing wouldn't work out and I'd be stuck with mortgage and rent… which I knew I couldn't afford. And yet I kept living in Maryland and paying for a mortgage in North Carolina… that I only got to enjoy once a month or every two months.

…My car ran into a tree. I don't say that I ran into a tree because I had absolutely no control over the car. However, every day I am thankful for that tree, because it kept me and my two precious passengers from harm. I paid $500 for two tow trucks to rescue my car and kept the dent. I needed to wait until tax time to see where I was financially before I went making crazy purchases like a new right quarter panel for my car.

… I moved into a new apartment. After I sold my house I asked my parents if I could stay with them for a few more months to save up for this impending tax bill. Most people who live with their parents are able to save. It's usually one of the saving graces during the humbling process of living with your parents. Unfortunately I was really only able to "save" the last few months… but saving before Christmas is not the easiest thing to do. I was determined to move by January and on January 2 I got the keys to my new place… a place half the size of my house and $100 more expensive a month. Thankfully my gas budget has decreased significantly.

… I was in (another) car accident. Cue the jokes about my bad driving. Two accidents in six months are not good odds and if anyone brings up my prior driving history, there are plenty of jokes (I've had run-ins with a washing machine and a deer on major highways). I admit, I could have been smarter, or maybe more patient, but I also don't feel like it was entirely my fault… even if my insurance company disagrees. Regardless, my car was pretty jacked up… $7,500 worth jacked up not counting the July damage. I spent the weekend trying to figure out where I was going to find my $400 deductible (donating plasma anyone?) and bidding farewell to any dream of having a tv in my living room before summer.

Fast forward a few days. I went to a repair shop to get an estimate on my car. When I talked to the insurance company on Friday they asked if I would need a rental now or just when it went in the shop. I assured them it was drivable so I wouldn't need it until it went in the shop. I messed up and thought this meant that I had rental car coverage in my plan. The kind estimator guy came back with a nice estimate and broke the news to me that I didn't have rental car coverage. He also told me it would take 10 business days or two weeks to fix my car. I had a bit of a meltdown as I tried to figure out how I could walk 10 miles to work or afford a rental car… on top of everything else. I may or may not have stormed out of the guy's office declaring that he could find me "working a corner" to make money for the rental.

Earlier in the day I had picked up my W-2 with the thought of testing out the damage on these taxes. I wanted to know how much I owed, but not have to commit to paying until the last possible moment. I started collecting all the paperwork and let TurboTax crunch the numbers. When it came to the homebuyer's credit I had to input the net purchase price and net sales price to include capital improvements. I kept checking and rechecking numbers and to my surprise… if you lose money on the house, you don't have to pay back the credit. For the first time, I was relieved I lost money on the house! It doesn't help the big picture financial scope of my decisions, but that day… on that day I had enough money for a rental car… and hopefully an undamaged car.

I've learned a lot over the last six years about buying a house, but I never learned more than I did that day about God's faithfulness. I had no idea how I would get to work while my car was in the shop. I kept trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me… that I was an idiot? that I was irresponsible with money? And now… I can't figure out why he keeps showing up and rescuing me. Most of all I want to remember that even if I had to pay back the $5,000 tax credit, there'd still be another answer somewhere. I'm going to take this as God making sure I know he does not want me to strip. :) Steven Furtick gave a sermon about "God moments" awhile back and they always sound like cheesy coincidences when they don't happen to you. From his wife's blog… 

"We learned about the two Greek meanings for the word, time: 

1. Chronos- literal clock time, sequential 

2. Kairos- the right, opportune moment 

He taught us that we must learn to recognize the kairos, 'God moments,' among the chronos, the mundane hours of every day life. He told us that we often miss the moment because we despise the mundane. I loved when he said, 'I don’t have to wait for a visitation because I live in a place of habitation,' and, 'The spirit of emergency is the enemy of of divine opportunity.'"

My life has not been mundane… but oh how I was drowning in the chronos. I am grateful for the reminder. I am grateful for the blessing. I am grateful for just car damage and no one was hurt. Here's to finding the kairos in the chronos.