the cave...

It's Tuesday... and for nearly nine years of my life Tuesdays have been dedicated to FCA at Methodist. I was the nerd who e-mailed the Methodist FCA advisor when I was in high school to get more information on the group, but it was a group I felt comfortable with and thought might help my transition to college spiritually. My dad was already lining up phone numbers and addresses to southern baptist churches and I wasn't sure I wanted to do anything he suggested but FCA could be mine. I had led FCA at my high school and I felt like I fit there.

When I arrived at Methodist, I moved into my room in Weaver Hall and every time I went up or down the stairs, I passed the door to "the cave" where FCA met. At some point I convinced my roommate to go with me and the first Tuesday night we crept down to the basement not having a clue what to expect. It blew my expectations out of the water. I don't think we talked to anyone and as soon as it was over we scampered back up the stairs to our room, but we couldn't stop talking about it. The cave walls were painted black, there were couches and cushions everywhere and a band of students played worship music and yet nothing felt like church. During the last song, the lights went out and the walls and ceiling lit up with glow in the dark stars. Between the darkness... the stars... and the chorus of voices around me I couldn't stop grinning. As much as soccer drew me to Methodist, it was the cave where I fell in love.

The stars were a perfect way for me to get away from the distractions of the day... to clear my head and worship. I have such fond memories from the cave... and thankfully one video I will treasure forever.

When I came back to Methodist a few years later, FCA was in the process of out growing the cave and has since moved to a huge space ready to accommodate hundreds of students. Of course I still think we fit just as many students in the cozy cave, but evidently the fire marshal doesn't consider packing a hundred students into the basement a good idea. We're at the point now where none of the current students had the opportunity to experience the cave. I try to remember it's not about the building or the space, but I'm also determined to never forget my experiences in the cave. I grew so much there... as a Christian... as a person... and as a friend. I miss the cave.

laugh of the week...

This week's laugh is more than just a laugh... Pastor Craig Morrison shared the video with the congregation on Sunday and I thought it was hilarious with a great message.

just enough to get by...

I found myself wrecked this week with feelings of doing just enough to get by... Sometimes for survival... sometimes to keep up appearances, but I feel like the trend is to do just enough. Sometimes "just enough" is different for different people, but typically we set the standard. Some students decide they're going to do just enough to get by passing (D = degree!) while others decide they're going to do just enough to get by and keep their scholarship or just enough to get by and get an A... but I'm not sure at any point "just enough" is enough.

My tendency to fall into just enough usually stems from my fear of living up to the high expectations of doing everything. I think I can handle just enough because the risk of failing is pretty low, while if I really set my sights on the pinnacle, on doing everything, I could fail or be rejected or get hurt. Somehow I convince myself it would be easier to take the pedal off the metal... to lower my expectations and do just enough.

And yet, just enough is not very fulfilling. Whether it's school, friends, work, faith, relationships... just enough sounds so good in theory... the work load is lighter, the risk is less... and yet the reward mirrors what you put into it.

I don't want to second guess what could have been had I just done more. I don't want to live a life of routine or rituals to make myself feel better about what is enough, but I do want to live sold out in every moment without holding anything back.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." - 2 Peter 1:3

His glory and goodness can't ever mean "just enough." Paul told us in Colossians to "work at it with all your heart." There's nothing about that even hinting at just enough.

Let's take a risk... let's live life seeking everything rather than just enough.

More food for thought...

Lindsey Nobles: http://www.lindseynobles.com/2012/01/drawing-boundaries/
Cru at ISU: http://iowastcru.org/blog/2011/12/05/add-nothing-blog-how-much-faith-is-enough/
Coffee and Matches: http://coffeeandmatches.typepad.com/blog/2011/05/deadly-purple-fruit.html

chasing Him...

I read a cool devotional the other night about God telling us not to be afraid. In Luke 2, an angel appeared to some shepherds in a field and told them, "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people" (Luke 2:10). The devotion's author Jon Walker noted, "perhaps, we are afraid of living apart from the mythology that we must be good enough for God. Yet, the good news of great joy is that you don't have to be good enough: Jesus is good enough on your behalf!"

Walker goes on to encourage readers to shake off your fears and chase God rather than perfection. We are so accustomed to earning love, it's hard to fathom unconditional love let alone know how to respond to it. He adds, "God doesn't love you because you are the best in your class or because you try really hard. God's love needs no because; he unconditionally loves you - period."

It sounds so simple on paper and yet I feel our instinct is still to check things off and earn approval... earn love. Our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, but I know many of us still find ourselves trying to do things to please them. Our methods may change as we get older, but sometimes we join clubs or sports teams for our parents or maybe we buy them certain gifts or choose schools or jobs based on them... I'm hoping parents can show their children unconditional love, but I know it's not universal.

I'm wondering if we can separate love from approval. Earlier I used them interchangeably, but God said he loves us unconditionally... I don't think unconditional approval is included in that... but I also think the point may be approval isn't a stipulation of love... or at least not unconditional love just based on the definition.

Can we chase after God and leave our need for approval behind? Can we accept unconditional love knowing we can never be good enough?

Here's to the chase...

laugh of the week...

I probably need to post an entirely separate blog dedicated to my thoughts on the David Crowder Band... but in the meantime... check out their latest Rockumentary episode. If you haven't seen the others, visit their youtube account for what I find extremely amusing.

billy cundiff...

I've been a Ravens fan since 1996 when they came to town and my dad bought season tickets. I'm not sure I could claim diehard status just compared to my USWNT and Tennessee fandom... but I'm loyal and have been for all 16 seasons. I usually get to see one game a year when I go home for the holidays, but this season was particularly special having had the chance to see two regular season games and I made a special one-day trip up for the playoff game against the Texans last weekend.

I've been nervous about the Patriots all week. I never talk smack before a game, but this one made me even more determined to keep my mouth shut. Last week Brady devoured the Broncos and the Ravens narrowly edged out the Texans and I was hoping our offense could make a better showing against a weaker defense at New England. 

A nail biter makes for good ratings and good entertainment and the Ravens and Patriots provided both (with no real evidence on the ratings other than discussion via social media). I'm not sure why we didn't go for the field goal on the next to last drive and I wish Evans could have held onto the ball a split second longer to ensure a nail in the coffin touchdown rather than resorting to a field goal attempt, but neither happened. 

During the entire last drive I was wishing it didn't come down to Cundiff. I was a huge Cundiff fan last season. I thought he made some clutch kicks and was obviously rewarded for it with a pro bowl selection. This season he's admittedly been pretty inconsistent (in part due to a calf injury) and left a lot of people with questions including the Ravens front office based on their call-up to Shayne Graham late in the season... but just last week he hit two clutch field goals from 44 and 48 yards to help ensure the win over Houston. 

Thirty-two yards. On tv that seems so simple. I didn't feel good about the angle to start with and everyone knew as soon as he kicked it, New England had won. It sucks to lose and it sucks to be the one that had the game on his shoulders and couldn't convert... but I'm standing by Cundiff. 

I tried to stay off twitter and Facebook knowing "haters gonna hate" but I had to check. I expected the Pats fans to be thanking Cundiff and the general football fans laughing at his "choke" but I think the worst part is seeing the Ravens fans turning their backs. 

Ray Rice gave me hope when he said, "And one more thing...games consist of SIXTY MINUTES, NOT 20 seconds so before y'all start bashing MY kicker on this page, let me say this is a TEAM sport, win or lose...so if you want to be negative, keep it to yourself."

I know some may argue Cundiff is paid millions of dollars to kick a ball through two posts and he didn't do it so we can hold him accountable. I absolutely agree with that. I just can't hate him for it. People make mistakes. He didn't do it on purpose. I have no idea if he'll be a part of the team next year and my heart breaks for Cundiff and the rest of the team who were so close to making it to the super bowl (or at least overtime :). At the same time... people missed tackles and passes weren't caught or thrown to the right people and blocks didn't happen and routes weren't run correctly and a kick went wide... and now the Patriots are in the super bowl. It doesn't necessarily make anyone feel any better to let Cundiff off the hook, but I'm not sure it makes anyone feel any better to hate him either. Regardless... we have a few months to recover.

Go Ravens!

laugh of the week...

Going back to my roots today...

Deer gathering the day after hunting season ends for the annual "Haha you missed me party!"

dreaming...

When I was a kid, I dreamt of becoming a teacher like my mom. My little sister and I played "school" all the time and fought constantly over who could be the teacher. I had a grade book and lesson plans. I was the nerd who loved school. So much so, I cried over snow days. I don't remember when exactly, but at some point my dream faded.

In high school I dreamt of doing math for the rest of my life... or becoming the next Colleen Hacker, sport psychologist for the U.S. women's soccer national team. Potentially two different ends of the spectrum, but I literally listed math and psychology as my potential majors on college interest forms. At some point during the first semester of my freshman year of college when I thought I had chosen math, I realized I didn't want to teach math and couldn't imagine literally doing math behind a desk for the rest of my life.

In January 2001 I became a sport management major. I hoped I could somehow combine math through business and my love for sports. I even slipped in a sport psychology class for good measure. I did my first internship with the WUSA's Washington Freedom during the summer of 2002. I was convinced I had found my dream job. Somehow less than a year later my dream was coming true when I accepted a position with the Carolina Courage. At 20 years old I was living my dream... or third dream.

Hard to believe that was more than eight years ago now. Sometimes it's helpful to know dreams change. Sometimes they change because we change... or maybe our circumstances change... or maybe we just out grow them. It can be scary when you lose a dream. I think it's even more scary when you're not sure what to dream now... or maybe there's a chance for a fresh slate and new dreams.

"Dreams are the eraser dust I blow off my page.
They fade into the emptiness, another dark gray day.
Dreams are only memories of the plans I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen." - Edgar Allan Poe

laugh of the week...

Ellen Degeneres cracks me up...

time heals all...

There's a rumor "time heals all wounds." The quote supposedly traces back thousands of years, but there are probably just as many people arguing its validity. It seems to be one of those pat statements people offer after a tough situation... death, end of a relationship, a tough loss.

In that moment, I'm not sure anyone cares about time or its ability to heal. When you're feeling the effects of loss I think it is hard to even comprehend it's possible to heal let alone believe time might be the answer. The other difficulty with the quote centers around the idea we have no control over time. Someone might tell us running heals all wounds and we could run until we were healed or maybe chocolate heals all and we'd dive headfirst into a vat of chocolate until we could find healing. But time... you can't speed it up or slow it down... it seems to just pass around us.

At some point a day turns into a week and a week into a month. At some point you're convinced you're going to be okay... Or maybe you always were okay.

Being "okay"... finding "healing" always becomes relevant.

I know whenever I think of my toughest day, I'm sure someone else has had a tougher day. Whenever I look back on what I thought was my toughest day, I'm more and more aware there will be tougher.

Does time heal all wounds? Or does it give us a healing perspective?

home for me...

Occasionally I check yahoo.com for the latest news stories. It's much easier to skim through what I care about and check up on headlines so I kind of know what's going on in the world, but don't have to sit through a news broadcast that repeats depressing scandals and tragic stories every 10 minutes.

Last week I stumbled across the "Reality Rocks" top moments of 2011. Surprisingly enough (or maybe not so surprisingly) I saw many of them live (or at least via the DVR) but I missed the not so popular songwriting talent show "Platinum Hit." Blog writer Lyndsey Parker lists Jes Hudak, a former "American Idol" contestant and "Platinum Hit's" eventual runner-up at No. 18 in her list with the "gorgeous, goosebumpy ballad 'Home For Me (Free).'"

Now mind you I'm a sucker for a good ballad, especially a gorgeous, goosebumpy one so I had to check out the video. I fell for it...

I'm not sure how to even describe what it means to me, but it reminds me of the movie "Garden State." We grow up trying to find ourselves and I think it's an ongoing process. Hudak, Melissa Rapp and Amber Ojeda wrote a song that encompasses my unrest between what is constant and change. I want to be able to know when to stay and when to go... and again not just physically but in relationships, jobs, friendships, etc.

Many kudos to the trio and here's a video of their performance:



"Home For Me"
Faces pass like trees, on the road to who I'm supposed to be
With nothing to comfort me, say goodbye to these city streets
Cause if I stay here, I will lose me
Know I'm not yet complete

chorus
Sometimes you gotta leave, everything you know, just pick up and go
There's so much out there to see, how will you know who you can be
Cause the hardest thing I’ve ever done, is try to find where I belong
Until I finally feel free, I guess the road is the home for me -…free

Two lives lived perfectly in just one glance – that's all you need
To feel a rush of hope, let you know you're getting close
I see how simple my life could be
Still, I can't live restlessly

chorus

Follow my tracks in the snow, read the message
I left in the mist on your window
A whisper in the breeze, lullabies of what will be

chorus

laugh of the week...

I was checking out some of YouTube's best videos of 2011 and stumbled across this gem...




My favorite part is if you watch the follow-up video, someone commented, "that awkward moment when a 7 year old has a better love life than you."

aloha 2012...

In theory, we should be able to take all of the lessons we have learned and carry them into a new year never having to revisit the same stumbles and obstacles. And yet, I know a year from now I could very well be writing about the same struggles and re-learning the same lessons.

Some of my goals for 2012...

1. shore up my finances... I've decided living paycheck to paycheck is not fun! It's time to clean it up and be smarter.

2. write more... I grew up being the math nerd while fighting my way through english classes never feeling confident in writing for a grade. I started blogging back in the myspace era and I always feel better after I can get some of my thoughts out on "paper." Half of my job is writing and it's not as much fun as writing for fun. I think I'm better when I think no one is reading. However... here's to more writing without caring about the audience.

3. step out of complacency... Sometimes we get stuck in a rut. Sometimes it's out of habit or fear or safety but either way we're stuck. I want to step out... perhaps take a risk to move in a new direction. I don't mean it has to be a physical move and I don't think it should be a stupid move but I don't want to be afraid to move. I like routine, but I can't fear change.

4. give more... If I could follow through with number one, there would be some financial giving attached to this but I'd also like to give more of my time. Maybe that means a mission trip... maybe tutoring... maybe volunteering for an afternoon. I'm not sure what it looks like, but I am a firm believer in helping others helps yourself and we all have so much to give.

Whenever you put goals in black and white there's some fear expectations won't be met and now they're out there for everyone to watch you fail (or succeed if you're in the glass half full category). In the same way... there's accountability now. Hopefully you can help me stick to these... or at least help me take steps toward reaching them. What are your goals for 2012?