unanswered prayers...

When I was younger I went through a stage where I had Garth Brooks' "No Fences" on repeat... and by repeat I mean I kept rewinding the cassette and playing it over and over again (cds were still a new fangled invention that had not made it into my home yet). My mom was not so thrilled. She thought "Friends in Low Places" was teaching me to be an alcoholic, "The Thunder Rolls" was advertising marital affairs and she argued the theology behind "Unanswered Prayers." Despite her warnings, I couldn't stop loving some garth!

At the same time, I don't believe in unanswered prayers. I think "unanswered" implies God isn't listening or speaking to us when in reality I think He always knows better than we do and sometimes He asks us to wait, or doesn't answer the way we want Him to.

In the song, Garth is reminiscing about a high school flame he had spent praying "God would make her mine." After running into her at a high school football game with his wife years later, he thanked God for not answering his prayer. Again, I'm not buying into the "unanswered" part, but I love when God gives us perspective on our prayers after the fact. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for God to make a guy mine forever... or to give me that job I just had to have... or to heal my friend or family member.

Looking back... I know God has closed the door on so many things in my life for good reason. The relationships I stressed over in high school seem so petty now. If I had been offered a different job, there are so many other things and people I would have missed out on. With social media what it is today, I don't even have to go back to a high school football game to thank God for all of the prayers He didn't answer the way I wanted. That's not to say there aren't prayers I've been praying for years and will keep praying... God keeps answering one way and I keep praying someday He'll change his answer...

In the moment, we don't always understand His answers, but I'm thanking God for perspective.

finished...

There is such a sense of accomplishment after completing a project... usually the bigger the project the bigger the accomplishment. It was a big deal for me to buy a house two years ago. Most people thought I was crazy. I wasn't married or necessarily working my dream job, but I had been saving... I was tired of paying rent and the media kept telling me the "market is good." I felt like a real adult after signing those papers and calling a house my own.

That first summer I ripped wallpaper and painted my bedroom and two bathrooms while beginning to tackle the sun room that started as dark wood plywood... everywhere. Last summer I tackled my front room and converted it from an original "game room/hall of fame" to den/office of some sort with my own sense of style (or lack thereof).

It was a debate this summer to go big with the kitchen or keep it small with a shower replacement in the hall bathroom. Since when did I not go big?? The kitchen it is... I had no experience with a kitchen renovation and really don't spend enough time in a kitchen to know what I wanted... I just knew I wanted anything other than what I had.

On July 20 my old kitchen was stripped and by August 25 I was back in business. Thirty-seven days later after too much money, tears and hours away from work... I have a kitchen I love. I still have some plans for new lighting, but I can't afford to miss anymore work and need to let the bank account recover. Thank you to everyone who helped me make sure things matched (Kelsie, Mindy, Robin) thank you to everyone who put up with the lack of a kitchen (Stacy, Francie, Lindsey, Ryan) and thank you to everyone who let me vent (I know I would forget someone but I truly do appreciate all of your ears and patience).

before...

after...

presence...

I could write a blog about presents... but more importantly I've been thinking about presence. Are we present in all that we do? There are definitely moments when we want to rush through them and I'm not knocking that... especially tough moments, but sometimes we treasure those moments more after we have to say goodbye.

I went to a funeral on Monday. Most people don't usually jump at a chance to go to a funeral... especially for someone they aren't related to and weren't close friends. But you do those things to support a friend in the loss of their family or their friend. When we go through hard times... hard times when we may not want to be present... it is sometimes friends who help get us through them... whether we're leaning on them or they're carrying us through... I'm so grateful for the friends who have stood by me and supporting them after losing someone is just a small act of support.

I didn't spend a ton of time with Mama Ruth, but during the time I spent with her she taught me a lot. The pastor mentioned it at her service, but it was all about being present. She wasn't asking about the game, she was asking what time she was getting picked up. She went to nearly every one of Zan's basketball games and traipsed through Colorado with us a couple of years ago. She didn't have to speak to make her love and pride for her grandchildren obvious.

I wasn't fortunate enough to live next door to my grandparents. They never saw me play high school or college sports.. By the time I graduated college I was grandparent-less. But... I am so grateful for my friends and their grandparents who continue to teach me lessons through their presence. 

friendship...

I just watched the season finale of army wives and I need to make this quick so I can get enough sleep to get through a busy week. There was some criticism when the show first premiered because some viewers didn't feel it was a fair representation of army life. I have no idea what is true or untrue about the show in regards to army life. I do love the portrayal of family and friendship. It is refreshing to see people support each other... to want the best for their family and friends regardless of how it affects their own life.

I am so grateful for the people in my life that can do that for me... and I pray I can put others before myself in everything I do.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."- C. S. Lewis

shake the foundation...

A couple of years ago I found a prayer in a magazine and copied it to keep in my purse... not that I carry a purse often... but it had the best chance of being with me... I apologize I can't remember the author... but thought it still might be an encouragement today...

Shake the foundation of my heart. Touch my lips and touch my life. I will not burn out this year; I will burn bright. Inasmuch as I can see You on this side of heaven, I want to see You. I want to learn to love the way You do. Change scares me. But in this moment of transition, in this season of weird unfamiliarity or sudden loss, I'm still going to look for you. I'm tired of sitting by my own private pity pool and comparing tan lines with other people. I'm not looking for their approval anymore. No more empty resolutions. No more frail intentions. This year, I want to do something brave and beautiful. From the deepest corners of my trembling heart, I'm whispering the same words Isaiah did, "Here I am. Send me." Because my days don't mean anything if they don't belong to You.

To those of you heading back to school and/or work this week or maybe the  next couple of weeks... I'm praying for you. Let's burn bright.

eat. pray. love.

Stacy and I went to see Eat. Pray. Love. this afternoon. She got me a movie gift card for my birthday last month and we restrained ourselves to wait until now to see Julia Roberts. I remember when Elizabeth Gilbert was all the rage a couple of years ago after her book became so popular, but I resisted the bandwagon movement. Of course when Julia was cast as the lead I knew I would see it. I still wasn't really too interested in the book, but I'm glad I had a chance to see the movie... and for free!

It's hard for me to watch her walk away from her marriage. I think we all dream about a "find myself" trip and many of us have been in relationships when we start to wonder if we've lost ourselves... but I think once you take the marriage vows, it changes... you can't just walk away. Or at least I want to believe it works that way...

I love the "eat" portion. I love how the Italians embrace the pleasures in life. While I'm not a proponent of obesity, I despise counting calories and hope to find a healthy balance between working out and enjoying food.

The "pray" section makes me think... I don't know a lot about Hinduism, but from what I understand it's extremely accepting of different beliefs... The always official wikipedia said... "It is sometimes referred to as henotheistic (i.e., involving devotion to a single god while accepting the existence of others)" which is in direct contradiction to Christianity... However, I can appreciate their devotion to prayer and I can pull away life lessons for myself.

My favorite quote from the "love" part comes from Liz's advisor Ketut right before her light bulb moment... "sometimes to lose balance for love is to live a balanced life." Liz was so focused on keeping the balance in her life and was afraid by accepting love, she would lose herself as she had in previous relationships. I'm always looking for balance and Liz's battle definitely resonated with me...

The movie didn't inspire me to quit my job and leave the country, but it has incited reflection... which makes it a success in my book.

hope...

There are a ton of definitions for hope. I was going to include some philosophical explanation, but I'm not sure I have the words to do it justice.

I can say... hope keeps me going. I use hope primarily when thinking about the future... things I hope are fulfilled. There's a difference between hope and belief. I feel like belief is something I know to be true while hope is something I want to be true. I have a list of hopes but I'm not sure how God feels about my hopes... and because I have a belief in God, the way he feels about my hopes becomes a big deal.

I just watched Valentine's Day... the movie... with one of my favorite actresses Julia Roberts. Not everyone loved it, but it made me laugh and had happy endings so it kept my hope alive. I'm going to see Eat Pray Love tomorrow and I've heard mixed reviews, but I have to be loyal to Julia. I'm so loyal I purchased The Mexican... even if I can't sit through the whole thing.

Sometimes I hope I get to meet a celebrity... like Julia or Kelly Clarkson... but mostly I hope for more important things... like a husband and children... and a healthy, safe family and friends... and sometimes a job I could love without working excessive hours.

I try to hold on to Psalm 37:4... "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." That sounds like God could be like Santa... be good and he'll bring you everything on your list... My friend reminded me this week sometimes God changes the desires of our heart. Either way... I think the first step is to delight myself in Him... here's to hoping...

Meanwhile... you have to love a good mash-up cover by Kelly Clarkson...

"That I Would Be Good"/"Use Somebody" - Alanis Morissette/Kings of Leon

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
you know that I could use somebody

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

flashback...

Fourteen years ago I got to know the Riley family and I have never been the same. It was my last summer as a camper at Camp Wo-Me-To in Jarrettsville, Maryland. I grew up spending a week at a girls camp from 1991-1996 and owe so much of my personal and spiritual growth and development to that small slice of heaven on earth.

Every year I would go with a friend or two from my church and we would meet a cabin full of girls... I always fell in love with the counselors hoping I could be like them some day. After camp ended, occasionally we would exchange letters a few times for a few months, but we would fall back into our routines at home and we most I never saw again. 

Fast forward to 1996 and my friend Nicole and I were in lucky cabin 13. We were listening (barely) to a missionary speak but evidently I was not impressed. The girls were all seated in cabin order and Nicole and I were next to Laura and Sarah from another cabin. I tried to keep us all entertained with some humor at the expense of Rose (sorry Rose!) and for some reason we all clicked. We spent as much time together as possible over the next couple of days before camp ended on Friday. On Friday you would have thought someone died. We all cried and cried when we were forced to say goodbye. I was so afraid we wouldn't see each other again... what if we didn't keep in touch... we had only known each other a few days, but we had bonded quickly. We wrote a ridiculous poem, synchronized our watches and recited the poem at the same time every day to feel like we were closer... crazy I know!

Over the next few years we battled high school together... 68 miles apart. For the first year or two we cried every time we had to say goodbye. I think at some point the goodbyes weren't so teary as we learned to trust we'd see each other again. I am so grateful for my parents, Nicole's parents and Laura's parents for shuttling us back and forth before we could drive. At least every Christmas and summer we planned a trip usually spending a couple of days together. I got to know all three of her sisters and felt welcomed and loved by her parents.

College made me nervous... I was set on going somewhere in North Carolina and Laura considered it for a little but followed Kim to Mt. St. Mary's in Maryland. We didn't talk as much... but we always found a way to pick up where we left off. My friendship with her sisters Kim and Sarah grew as well and I always felt like I was keeping up with their family one way or another. Eventually we finished college and became adults... The best thing that could have happened was when I came back to Maryland after grad school. Laura asked me to be her maid of honor, Kim asked me to be in her wedding and I was able to be in Maryland for all of the festivities during the summer and fall of 2005.

Their family keeps growing and they still make an effort to include me. I've been invited to their summer vacation the last couple of years and always love the time we spend together. I can usually only do a couple of days and this summer was cutting it close with my work responsibilities, but I was determined to make an appearance. I had a flashback to 1996 yesterday when it was time to leave... crying like a 14 year old girl not sure when I would see everyone again. I trust our friendship, my place in their family, but life just keeps moving faster and I definitely cherish my time with family and friends. I am so grateful for the Riley family and our friendship that began with laughter and tears that never seem to stop.

closure...

I don't usually look forward to August. The end of summer is too close and I can feel the pressure of the chaos that is my life during the school year. I'm spending today and the next three days living in denial and trying to embrace these last few days... Some thoughts for today...

1. There are many people in my life who I was once close to and now I'm not... sometimes it's because something happened to drive us apart... sometimes it's just distance and circumstances slid us apart... sometimes one person maybe tried to tiptoe out without being noticed... sometimes I have no idea what happened. I don't know that I'll ever be good at letting go of what was... I value people... I rely on people (probably too much)... but I think I'm getting better. Life goes on... but every once in awhile closure helps me go on with it.

2. More than eight years ago I went to Duke on a Saturday with my (if I remember correctly) soon-to-be ex-boyfriend and soon-to-be best guy friend to hear Anne Graham Lotz speak to a group of collegiate FCA leaders. I had no idea who she was other than Billy Graham's daughter. I haven't followed her career that closely since to know if she's cuckoo, but I remember leaving Durham impacted by her message. She spoke from 2 Timothy 1 and she encouraged us to take up the baton... focusing on verse six, "For this reason I remind you to fan into the flame the gift of God..." I don't know that I did anything differently after meeting Mrs. Lotz, but she made me think and I'll never forget that day.

Fast forward to Easter 2010 and I bought her newest book, "Magnificent Obsession." It's taken me awhile to get to it, but I've been working on it. A story I liked...

"One day an acrobat staged a dramatic performance by walking on a tightrope across Niagara Falls. Crowds gathered on each side of the falls, pointing and staring at his daring feat. When he returned to the overlook where his rope was anchored, the crowd applauded enthusiastically. Then, in astonishment, they watched as he took a wheelbarrow and pushed it over the tightrope. When he turned and came back, this time the applause was thunderous. But when he picked up a burlap bag of sand, placed it in the wheelbarrow, and began to push it across the tightrope, many in the crowd thought he was crazy! As they held their breath in suspense, unable to tear their eyes away from such a display of death-defying bravado, he very gingerly completed his walk. The crowd gasped, then burst into applause punctuated by cheers and whistles.

The acrobat bowed dramatically to the crowd, then issued a challenge: 'I'd like to do something even more spectacular!' he said. 'But first let me ask you something: since the bag of sand weighs the same as an average-size man, how many of you believe I can take a man across the tightrope in a wheelbarrow?'

'We believe you can do that.You can do it! You can do it!' everyone shouted.

Then the acrobat asked, 'All right, which one of you will be that man?'

There was dead silence. No one moved. Finally, a shriveled little old man in the back raised his hand as he stepped forward. 'I've seen what you've done, and I've hard what you've said. I believe you can push me across, so I'll do it.'

He climbed into the wheelbarrow, and the acrobat set out across the tightrope with the brave little man perched precariously inside. Everyone in the crowd held their breath and strained to watch as the wheelbarrow was rolled over the falls... and back again. On the final return, the roar of the crowd was deafening as the man was helped out of the wheelbarrow. The acrobat gallantly bowed, saluted, smiled broadly, and said, 'Thank you, sir, for really believing in me.'

As I concluded the story, I drove the point home for the young couple: 'Everyone in the crowd at Niagara Falls said they believed in the acrobat, but only the old man demonstrated genuine faith. He was the only one who trusted the acrobat so completely he was willing to climb into the wheelbarrow and let himself be pushed across the tightrope.'"

3. Some music I like... Black Lab - Lonely Boy and Joshua Radin - When You Find Me

4. Bachelorette... There are opinions all over the place loving or hating Ali's decision depending on if you were Team Roberto or Team Chris... My thoughts... I absolutely loved the way she handled the decision. She wanted to like Chris, but once she knew it was Roberto she sat Chris down and was honest with him. Was he still hurt? Of course... but he agreed it was easier to deal with and he respected her for her honesty. If only we could all do the same in our own relationships... Stay tuned for more laughable drama via the Bachelor Pad :)

intentional...

Yesterday at church, Pastor Cook mentioned we should, "be intentional." It wasn't the main point of his sermon (although taking risks was the point - eerily related to my post earlier in the day) but it struck me as important. Am I being intentional in my life? How do you live intentionally? I think we talk a lot about what our intentions are in terms of motives or reasoning... but are living life in a way that is on purpose. I don't want life to just happen to me, but I hope I can live my life in a way that I'm making decisions and taking chances on purpose... intentionally.

Some things I like...

1. I'm in knoxvegas... which I love. I have visited all of the places that make me smile as I remember fond memories moving down here nearly six years ago. My friend Miriam and her husband showed awesome hospitality and I'm blogging from Panera... which Fayetteville desperately needs.

2. Lindsey Nobles... she was a guest blogger today and after reading the post you might think I wrote it... just saying.

3. Amanda Beard... amazing New York Times article talking about her quest to be real despite depression and self injury.

4. Quote of the day... yesterday... "May we love like you love and may our hearts stay broken for what breaks your's..."

to go or stay...

We always have decisions to make... some small... some big... Most of the time we don't even think about it. We make a decision to get out of bed or not to... we make a decision to go to work or not to. I can usually handle those, but lately it seems I've been hearing more about people needing to make big decisions. How do we know what's right? Most of the time we don't want to mess up or we don't want people to judge our decision or occasionally we may say, "screw it" and rebel against what makes sense to everyone but us.

Five years ago I was working a camp after grad school and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I was working the camp to consider a job offer with the organization and then mid-camp my previous employer called needing help. I talked to a couple of the coaches I was working with debating my decision and trying to find "God's will" in all of it. I really wanted to do the "right" thing. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing the difference between the "right thing" being what feels right or being what feels uncomfortable because I need to take a risk and get out of my comfort zone. One of the coaches (unfortunately I can't even remember his name) told me he believed me if I was living my life to glorify God I couldn't make a wrong decision. He would be glorified no matter what I chose as long as I continued to put Him first. I'm sure there are some job opportunities such as working the corner that would make glorifying God hard, but thankfully both of my options were considered ok!

That takes me back to current decision making... I am praying we all pick the "right" one... but even more I pray that we find a peace in the decision and glorify God through it all.

"God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him." - John Piper 

In honor of my trip to knoxvegas... I bring you one of the best songs ever written...