caring...

I have a crazy habit of over thinking things. I want everything to be good or go well or make everyone happy that I tend to second guess or triple guess decisions, things I say and things I do. I have this huge desire to live my life trying to glorify God but sometimes these other things get in the way.

Pastor Cook told a story last week I had heard him tell before but still meaningful... I'll attempt to paraphrase. He had just become pastor at a small church where a guy really wanted him to talk to his daughter. Many members of the church expressed concern for her so he went to her house and she invited him in and he eventually shared with her the "gospel" or story about why we need God. He asked her if she wanted to receive Him as her savior and she declined so he just asked if he could pray for her and she said yes. He figured he would pray and be on his way but when he finished he noticed she was crying. When he asked what was wrong, she said he was the only one who had cared enough to come.

Simple enough... I think the first time I heard it I said "yeah, I know, tell people about Jesus." The second time I wondered who in my life I've just been sending others to reach them while they think I just don't care enough to do it myself. I'm a big fan of living my life as an example of who God is and what He has done for me... I'm always afraid of getting accused of shoving it down someone's throat... but I never want someone to think I didn't care enough. I care.

I spent the weekend in Burlington working my fourth USA South Tournament. I have one of the lighter loads in terms of responsibilities but always feel exhausted after I get back. It's a great opportunity to spend some time with the other men and women in my business and exchange some ideas but mostly laughs. Even better this year I spent some time with one of my friends from college when she wasn't coaching. Recently named the lacrosse Coach of the Year in our conference, I am so proud of her. She doesn't believe she deserves it, but I know how hard she's worked, I've heard the passion in her voice, I've seen her team try to soak in everything she teaches, I've watched her team succeed... she definitely deserves it. Is this the end all, be all? Absolutely not, it's only her second year as a head coach, but I hope it serves as encouragement to keep her battling on the recruiting trail before she eventually wins the conference championship!

Today I heard Tenth Avenue North's new song "Healing Begins." So good... even better after I watched the video journal explaining the message behind the song. So many of us try to be our own savior... I know I'm guilty of it... there's healing in confession.

All of this rambling mess to say... "Father, let my heart be after you..."

last song...

First of all... happy Easter! Sometimes I think Easter gets lost in the shuffle of holidays. As commercialized as Christmas is, there's this huge build up with buying presents and the decorating that I can at least hope allow people to prepare for the true meaning of it all. On the other hand there's a little bit of pre-Easter talk with Ash Wednesday and Lent leading up to Palm Sunday... maybe some Easter basket shopping but just not nearly to the magnitude of Christmas. I don't know that you can really compare the greatness of the two holidays... you need Christmas to have Easter... Jesus has to come to earth before he can die and rise again but I find such a peace from Easter.

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to spend Easter with my family for the first time in four years. My parents drove down to Winston-Salem, a midway point between my sister and I. We did some touristy stuff... ate way too much... spent a lot of time in the close quarters of a hotel room... but it was just really good to be together.

There's been quite the hoopla surrounding the book/movie The Last Song. A bunch of the girls went and saw it last week, but I have this thing about waiting to read the book first. I'm a loyal Nicholas Sparks fan and thankfully "the easter bunny" gave me the book in my basket. I finished it tonight and of course now I can't wait to see the movie.

I've seen the movie previews and knew there was something about the relationship with the girl and her father but I felt like the focus of the movie is the relationship between the girl and her boyfriend... or at least that's where the marketing seems to be focused. SPOILER ALERT (don't read ahead if you haven't read the book or seen the movie and don't want to know what happens!)

Don't get me wrong... I became a fan of Ronnie and Will early on and knew their relationship would have its obstacles but I really latched onto the relationship between Ronnie and her dad. I caught the foreshadowing and knew something was wrong with him... that there was more to the story about Ronnie and Jonah's summer stay and more to the story about the parents' divorce. Still knowing that something was going to happen didn't keep me from sobbing reading about his battle with cancer.

I've obviously seen the effects of cancer too often, but Steve's fight with stomach cancer hit too close to home. During my senior year of high school one of my best friend's mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer and it attacked her body so fast and so badly. Mrs. Diane was larger than life to me. During my junior year of high school I spent as much time as possible with her daughter Erin and our friends Kami and Betty. The three of them were all a year older and I dreaded their graduation. Mrs. Diane took us all in like her own whenever and as often as we wanted. She was at nearly every soccer game and I loved her sense of humor.

Erin came home one weekend in late September or early October during my senior year and broke the news to me that her mom had been diagnosed with stomach cancer. I didn't really know what that meant but I knew cancer was never good. That fall was hard... Erin e-mailed me to vent and I felt helpless. I tried to be there for her... I think we all did, but we were all treading through unfamiliar territory in different states not sure what to do next. I remember Mrs. Diane coming back to see me play one of my last high school soccer games and just feeling relief to see her there. In March we got an update that after removing her stomach they found cancer in her pancreas and had to remove her gall bladder and pancreas. How long can someone live without half their major organs? Memorial Day weekend I went to say goodbye and it amazed me, but didn't surprise me, how strong Mrs. Diane was... she never lost her sense of humor with us no matter how much she must have been hurting. That summer I went to work at my usual summer camp and dreaded the phone call I eventually received July 12th telling me she didn't make it. I made it home in time to go to the service... one of the hardest I have ever sat through. Such an amazing celebration of Mrs. Diane's life but it just made me miss her more.

The Last Song just took me back to Mrs. Diane and reading about Steve passing just reminded me of the pain she went through. While I probably would have cried for the fictional character regardless of my connection with his ailment... tonight I cried for Mrs. Diane. The pastor told us at Mrs. Diane's memorial service that her favorite passage was Psalm 100 and I have it marked to always remember... knowing I couldn't ever really forget.

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5