ugh...

Today has not been the most pleasant day. I'm not sure I should blog after days like today but I want to be able to get it out and get on with it... Some random thoughts...

1. I love when I hear a song and I it reminds me of a time or place or people when I heard it. Maybe not the last time I heard it but a significant time. For example... there's a matthew west song called More that came out in 2003. My "dream job" just ended with the women's soccer team and I feel like I heard it nearly every time I got in my car while I wandered aimlessly around Cary from Sept 2003 - Feb 2004 trying to figure out what to do with my life. I can hear songs from my high school warm-up tape (yes we used tapes back then) and remember jamming out in the stadium.

2. There was a chick on American Idol that tried out with her sister a couple of years ago that I liked and found out she was a Christian. She had a myspace page and would blog with occasional updates regarding her record deal, releases, etc. She just posted a new one with info about her manager passed away from pancreatic cancer, her engagement fell through and she's no longer signed to the record company. Dealing with one is tough but I can't imagine dealing with all three in the span of a few months. But she went on in her blog to describe her new attitude that I continue to strive for. I keep trying to get there... but I want this to be me... minus the whole American Idol/record deal part!

Brooke Barrettsmith - "As I share this last piece of news with you, I’m sure if I wasn’t in my own shoes, it may appear that I just lost everything I had within a few months. But nothing is further from the truth. Whatever things were once gain to me, I have counted loss for the sake of knowing Christ. The deep, personal revival the Lord has been doing in my heart and life as a result of all these hardships is unspeakable,
irreplaceable, and invaluable. I cannot begin to describe to you the refining work God is doing at the very core of who I am. It is very exciting to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is now on the throne of my life. I have spent too many years searching out and trying to find wholeness in accomplishments, in success, and in
relationships. I have wasted so much precious time in my day to day life glorifying myself. I have missed true intimacy with my Beloved Husband... As I look back on the motion picture of my 27 years of life, I see a prideful and self-centered young woman, desperately longing to be somebody in this world. Trying to prove I am valuable and talented and worthy of love. Forgetting all along that God was offering me true satisfaction in falling more in love with my Savior. Forgetting that I was always “good enough” because of the presence of Jesus in my life. And He has
always loved me for just being me…not because I possess any special quality, talent, or achievement. I spent years trying to “make it” in life, especially the music industry. From being in a successful indie band with my sister, to American Idol, to eventually getting signed to Essential/Sony BMG in 2006…I thought I had it all…but I was still not content. The bottom line for me is now this – I am not my own... I am convinced that the Lord is calling us all out of our complacency in these last days…it is up to us respond to our Shepherd’s voice and follow Him out of the darkness of our pride. Even if it might mean losing some things we hold most dear... So did God take these things away from me for a reason? Or did I just get the short end of
the stick? The answer is this – the LORD gives, and the LORD takes away… BLESSED be the name of the Lord. There is never a short end with the Lord. We have assurance of eternal life and purpose to live this life each day! I’m not going to lie, these past 3 months have been filled with tons of questions, hurt, confusion, and anxiety. Yes, anxiety – even the struggle I thought I faced and conquered 10 years
ago God in His mercy has allowed to come back in order to keep me on my knees. But it’s all part of a divine process that is in God’s hands."

3. Kelly Clarkson's new cd came out Tuesday... Yes I preordered it... Yes I listened to it a week before it was released... and Yes I love it.

4. I am thoroughly overwhelmed with work but grateful to have work and blessed to be able to pay my bills and eat (I would say put food on the table but I don't typically cook :)

5. Jason Mesnick annoys the heck out of me. If he was that distraught over his decision perhaps he shouldn't have proposed to Melissa and he could have just picked her and dated her. And then to "break up" with Melissa and make out with Molly five minutes later was the last straw. I know I shouldn't even watch this stuff.

6. I watched four and a half seasons of Lost in less than two months. Based on my job schedule, some may consider this miraculous. Just thought I'd share.