Steve and I found out in July that I'm pregnant (or am I supposed to say we're?). I haven't been entirely too sure how to put the last six months into words. There has been a flood of emotions and I'm thinking hormones are only partially to blame. I fully acknowledge not all of these feelings are rational, but they're there regardless.
I took two tests because while we were excited after the first one, we needed more proof a few days later. I called my doctor and they made me come pee in a cup before they would see me, but it felt more real once they acknowledged we really were pregnant. During those first few weeks it was crazy to have a secret that only Steve and I shared. It was a secret we had dreamt about and prayed for, but weren't sure would be possible for us. There was this huge sense of relief that we could get pregnant, some guilt for everyone I know who can't get pregnant, and lots of fear as I constantly worried about a miscarriage. I know they're common and rarely anyone's "fault," and I've seen what feels like so many friends and family go through them that it felt like a very real, rational fear.
Once August rolled around we told a few of our family and friends. It was fun to see them get excited, but I felt so much pressure to show them how excited I was... and I was excited, but I was also scared to death. I've always wanted to be a mom and it was like I was afraid to get too attached to this kid just to lose it. It didn't help that I was consistently nauseous all day through the first 14-15 weeks. Thankfully we got to hear our baby's heartbeat at eight weeks and for a moment, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Everyone says 12 weeks is a big mile marker and we made it September 7. Steve was so anxious to share the pregnancy with everyone, but I was still nervous. We had a doctor's appointment on the 9th and I really wanted to get through one more appointment and make sure everything was okay. Everything was fine at the appointment, but unfortunately Steve's grandfather passed away the next day. We made our big Facebook announcement September 11 and I was grateful for all of the kind words to help keep Steve's spirits up. It was comforting to have good news amidst a tough weekend for him.
On October 20 we had another ultrasound at 18 weeks and it felt like another step toward safety. Our kid was active and still had a healthy heartbeat giving me another sigh of relief. The staff was careful to not reveal the baby's gender and everything was on schedule, if not a day ahead. We squeezed in the glucose test just before the holidays and unfortunately I failed the first go round. I may or may not have had a bit of a meltdown as I decided I was not fit to carry a baby. Gestational diabetes is not the end of the world and my rational self understands that, but there was no convincing me that night. Thankfully, I passed the three hour test the next day and Steve has more patience than any person should need.
Last week we got to see Baby D (Dockery not daughter as my dad likes to suggest) in 3D and it was another surreal moment. I am carrying a human around every day... one that likes to kick and punch and make sure I know it's there.
I am still a bit hesitantly excited. I haven't done a ton of research or tried to read too much or go to any classes. I don't want to make myself more anxious. I did want to know how young a baby had ever been delivered and lived (21 weeks and 5 days) and I let out another breath every time we reach another week marker. The odds are in our favor and I am learning to let myself get more excited, but I feel like my brain is still trying to protect my heart.
The crazy thing in my brain's logic is it's not like our baby is guaranteed a long, healthy life once it's born. There are no guarantees. We should all know that by now... I'm still working on letting go of my need to control... letting go of the anxiety and trusting that every day we get to spend with this kid is worth any potential heartache. I'm praying for our baby every day and I'm praying I can embrace this lack of control. I'm so completely grateful for this experience and I promise I don't take it for granted... I'm just processing a myriad of emotions...
I'm excited, but I'm also anxious and scared... and hungry... but I'm always hungry.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
