twloha...

I've been using twitter for awhile now... sometimes more often than others but there are definitely days when I feel like it helps keep me "in the know." When I don't have time to stalk all of my favorite web sites, twitter is updating me on all of the important news not to mention blessing me with the occasional humorous tweet.

Earlier today, the organization To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) tweeted: "Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. To everyone that has lost someone they love, we stand with you today. We join you to remember and to say that their story matters and your story matters. You are not alone today."

I have lost a few people in my life from suicide and I am definitely remembering them today, but I am also thinking about everyone else who has lost someone. TWLOHA founder, Jamie Tworkowski, posted a blog today in honor of National Survivors of Suicide Day with some background about Zeke. Zeke committed suicide in January of 2006 and his girlfriend Nicole actually posted a blog of her own today with her own thoughts.

Sometimes it doesn't seem relevant until it happens to us. Nicole mentions, "Someone once told me that people that complete suicide are selfish - I’m not sure I agree.  Once someone is gone, it is easy to contemplate what they were thinking, and only think about the mess they left you with, and the struggles ahead.  But isn’t that selfish?  I mean this person just took their own life - I can’t imagine how they came to that conclusion, but I can only believe and hope it was not an easy one.  I quickly learned that I was the selfish one......I was so obsessed with why he chose to do this to me, but soon realized that he did this to himself; it was not about me.  That is hard to accept."

Here's to remembering... here's to accepting... here's to today.

steps...

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks and while I'm not sure anyone else noticed... I noticed. While I can sometimes just benefit from a full vent session full of babble, it does seem more effective when I can say something worthwhile.

With that said, I'm not sure if I really had the aha moment to make this worthwhile. I've been going to Snyder Memorial Baptist Church for nearly two years... 22 months to be exact... and every Sunday I go, I arrive by 8:40 am and am usually pulling out of the parking lot by 9:45 on my way to Krispy Kreme. One Sunday months ago someone approached me about going to a Sunday School class, but I had to go to work... and I've been apprehensive about getting involved. When you get involved in a church you have to take the bad with the good. Sometimes what looks awesome from the surface gets a little gritty underneath. I love the worship at Snyder and it's been "safe" to put in my hour or so each week and leave feeling good... but there's no commitment there. I technically still "belong" to the church I grew up in on kent island, maryland... that I haven't been to in at least five years... but I always wonder if I should "join" a church just to move away. Why do I need to belong to a church anyway? I think there is a huge benefit to corporate worship and study groups and accountability... and sometimes I try to claim that I'm getting them from MU campus ministries... but I'm not a student and I don't think I'm plugged in there as much as I might like myself to believe.

All of this to say, that this morning I was targeted for another attempt at Sunday School. I don't even like that name but a woman invited me to a class... and I didn't have work as an excuse and I didn't have anyone to meet at Krispy Kreme so I went. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, but after 22 months of not going... it felt big. Especially when I committed before the worship service even started and had to battle my head for the next hour to convince myself not to go running to my car when it was over. It helped the service was about worry... One of the passages read was Matthew 6. We looked at the New International Version and the Message translation but I love in the Message where it says, "Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds." I prayed that I could be careless in the care of God.

Another verse I kept running into today is Psalms 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Something I could definitely benefit from keeping it in mind...

Today was just one of those days when I was grateful for Proverbs 16:9 - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Thank you for determining my steps. Let my hope be in You alone.

"The Garden" by NeedtoBreathe

Won't you take this cup from me

'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep

If tomorrow means my death

I pray you'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see

But who I am is not just me

So give me strength to die myself

So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be...

For you

Let the songs I sing

Bring joy to you

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose

Be your favorite tune

Father let my heart be after you