This week has sucked a lot out of me. I was in Burlington, NC from Thursday to Sunday for work and didn't get home until after midnight Sunday night/Monday morning. I tried to sleep in some Monday but had some catching up to do at the office not to mention preparation for our awards banquet Tuesday. Tuesday was filled with meetings and high stress and ended the evening just feeling disconnected from the people in my life.
I don't always understand myself... rarely I understand myself. I can be wishy washy and opinionated... I can be judgmental and too forgiving... I can be desperate for time alone and still be desperate for time with friends. I can't predict it.. I can't time it.. it's me.. maybe it's part of being a girl but I don't even want to excuse it so easily.
I went to sleep in my house by myself craving fellowship and woke up to an e-mail from my mom with the subject "upsetting news." That can't be good. My mom can be funny but e-mail subjects aren't usually her avenue of humor. It turns out my cousin, my dad's niece committed suicide Tuesday. She has to be close to 40 with a husband and kids. The last time I saw her was probably at a funeral three years ago. The last time I spent any considerable time with her was at our grandmother's funeral six years ago. I don't know a whole lot about her. That doesn't make it easier. There's something about family that makes it possible to miss them even if you barely knew them. I can't explain it. Maybe it's the unexpectectancy... just leaves a lot of unanswered questions.
Meanwhile I feel like death causes people to run to others for support. I just wanted to sit and cry yesterday and yet I had to go to work and pretend like everything's ok. Students are finishing classes and stressing about exams and I'm fumbling through silly work in my office. I've just been feeling this need for people... to be able to sit and talk in my pajamas all day talking and watching movies or sit in a restaurant until it closes and they kick us out. But life keeps going and I can't seem to keep up.
Some smart people said... " We don't normally think of attachment as an emotion, but our attachment for people and objects generates a great deal of emotion. For example, our attachment to people or objects creates a wider range of areas for trespass and therefore, anger. It is the loss of important attachments which bring on sadness. It is the attachment to people who upset us and the attachment to our righteousness which leads to hate. Some sages [e.g., Buddha and Jesus] have suggested that we should have no attachments, going so far as to give up family and friends to seek serenity."
As a Christian I feel like God would want me to be completely reliant on Him and not need others. I was reading a sermon from John Beddingfield called "pray naked" where he talked about in Mark 6 Jesus told the disciples to travel light and if people weren't going for what they had to say to "shake the dust off your feet when you leave." I'm not a very good dust shaker. I take rejection and criticism and I load them all up and try to walk around with them. Beddingfield said "When God calls, often he peels away the layers that weigh us down. In the calling of the prophets, in the calling of the disciples, in the calling of the faithful in every age, it often seems like God strips away in order to make us free." I'm aiming for free.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
jambalaya
Another blog of random thoughts...
1. Twitter... I'm a recent addict. I've been hearing people talk about it but wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. I felt like I had enough to keep up with between facebook and myspace not to mention my personal e-mail account, work e-mail... all on top of managing a web site for 19 sports and 400 student-athletes. Regardless... I spent a Friday afternoon looking for new media for work and decided to stumble around twitter. I ended up creating a school profile and a personal one... There are still a lot of people who have never heard of it and I guess I describe it as being a lot like facebook or myspace statuses. People post what they're doing or what they're thinking and everyone reads what everyone else is saying. I think the biggest selling point is the celebrity presence... people like Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Shaq, Lance Armstrong, Ellen Degeneres... they're using twitter and letting their fans into their lives a bit. And yes its really them. There are plenty of fan sites and imitators, but you can tell which ones are real. You can follow thousands of people or just a couple of close friends. Anyone can follow you or you can make your profile private for only those you allow. You can update your twitter with a "tweet" just by texting. You can subscribe to the people you're "following" and their "tweets" can all be sent to your phone. (This feature was a bit frightening to think of how often my phone would be going off but I've limited the people I subscribe to and I can set the hours that I want to receive texts - as in not when I'm sleeping!)
I'm not a paid endorser :) but I do think its another cool site that I check way too frequently.
2. One of my former zoners Holly posted a facebook status with the quote "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." I've heard the quote before but it was a good reminder for me. I'm not very good at it... I get impatient and I usually fail but I keep trying.
3. They showed a video at church a few weeks ago that I really liked and found the link... check out The Truth
4. I counted last week and I've worked 118 home events this year... but only four left! I'll still have to go to Burlington Apr. 16-19 for the USA South Tournaments and I'll be in Florida May 8-17 for the NCAA DIII Golf Championships but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each year does get easier but I feel like it takes so much out of me. I love being a part of college athletics but it can be draining. I'm anxious for the summer... riley fest... kelsie's wedding... and another trip to mississippi for sure. Hoping to do some more work on my house and make plenty of trips to the beach. I can't wait to have some free time to make my own schedule.
5. Sunday is Easter. I feel like it always makes me reflective... The pastor this past Sunday said "I want you to know why I'm a Christian." I think I spent a lot of my life just saying "I want you to know I'm a Christian" and most people look at me and think "good for you" or "stop judging me" but it doesn't mean anything without the why. I don't like religion. I don't like rituals. I believe the Bible is true and I try to apply it to my life. I believe in God. I believe He sent His Son, Jesus... who was human and God all at the same time... to come to earth... I believe He was hung on a cross to die... not for what He did wrong but for what I did, do and will do wrong. I need God to make sense of this life. Most people ask if there's a God why do bad things happen to good people... Dr. Tony Cartledge talked about this a week ago in reference to Luke 13... and I think the point is we all deserve to die... It's not a point of some were more evil than others, or God made a mistake and a few good ones slipped into the evil pile. I don't even think God categorizes us as good people and bad people... we've all screwed up.. just by being human Adam and Eve messed it up for all of us! Check out Dr. Cartledge's message at The Year of No Fig Preserves or his blog.
6. I don't get to go home for Easter. I suppose I could try to make quick trip but I'm not sure it's worth driving six hours each way to be there for such a short time. My parents brought me my Easter basket (how many 26-year olds still get Easter baskets? perhaps this is one benefit to being single) this past weekend and I'll have softball Friday and tennis Saturday to keep me occupied. I'm contemplating attempting to make it to a sunrise service Sunday before heading to my church. I've been taking two to four girls to church each Sunday the past few weeks so I've gotten used to company... back to sitting by myself but maybe its all for a good reason. Either way... happy Easter!
1. Twitter... I'm a recent addict. I've been hearing people talk about it but wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. I felt like I had enough to keep up with between facebook and myspace not to mention my personal e-mail account, work e-mail... all on top of managing a web site for 19 sports and 400 student-athletes. Regardless... I spent a Friday afternoon looking for new media for work and decided to stumble around twitter. I ended up creating a school profile and a personal one... There are still a lot of people who have never heard of it and I guess I describe it as being a lot like facebook or myspace statuses. People post what they're doing or what they're thinking and everyone reads what everyone else is saying. I think the biggest selling point is the celebrity presence... people like Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Shaq, Lance Armstrong, Ellen Degeneres... they're using twitter and letting their fans into their lives a bit. And yes its really them. There are plenty of fan sites and imitators, but you can tell which ones are real. You can follow thousands of people or just a couple of close friends. Anyone can follow you or you can make your profile private for only those you allow. You can update your twitter with a "tweet" just by texting. You can subscribe to the people you're "following" and their "tweets" can all be sent to your phone. (This feature was a bit frightening to think of how often my phone would be going off but I've limited the people I subscribe to and I can set the hours that I want to receive texts - as in not when I'm sleeping!)
I'm not a paid endorser :) but I do think its another cool site that I check way too frequently.
2. One of my former zoners Holly posted a facebook status with the quote "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." I've heard the quote before but it was a good reminder for me. I'm not very good at it... I get impatient and I usually fail but I keep trying.
3. They showed a video at church a few weeks ago that I really liked and found the link... check out The Truth
4. I counted last week and I've worked 118 home events this year... but only four left! I'll still have to go to Burlington Apr. 16-19 for the USA South Tournaments and I'll be in Florida May 8-17 for the NCAA DIII Golf Championships but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each year does get easier but I feel like it takes so much out of me. I love being a part of college athletics but it can be draining. I'm anxious for the summer... riley fest... kelsie's wedding... and another trip to mississippi for sure. Hoping to do some more work on my house and make plenty of trips to the beach. I can't wait to have some free time to make my own schedule.
5. Sunday is Easter. I feel like it always makes me reflective... The pastor this past Sunday said "I want you to know why I'm a Christian." I think I spent a lot of my life just saying "I want you to know I'm a Christian" and most people look at me and think "good for you" or "stop judging me" but it doesn't mean anything without the why. I don't like religion. I don't like rituals. I believe the Bible is true and I try to apply it to my life. I believe in God. I believe He sent His Son, Jesus... who was human and God all at the same time... to come to earth... I believe He was hung on a cross to die... not for what He did wrong but for what I did, do and will do wrong. I need God to make sense of this life. Most people ask if there's a God why do bad things happen to good people... Dr. Tony Cartledge talked about this a week ago in reference to Luke 13... and I think the point is we all deserve to die... It's not a point of some were more evil than others, or God made a mistake and a few good ones slipped into the evil pile. I don't even think God categorizes us as good people and bad people... we've all screwed up.. just by being human Adam and Eve messed it up for all of us! Check out Dr. Cartledge's message at The Year of No Fig Preserves or his blog.
6. I don't get to go home for Easter. I suppose I could try to make quick trip but I'm not sure it's worth driving six hours each way to be there for such a short time. My parents brought me my Easter basket (how many 26-year olds still get Easter baskets? perhaps this is one benefit to being single) this past weekend and I'll have softball Friday and tennis Saturday to keep me occupied. I'm contemplating attempting to make it to a sunrise service Sunday before heading to my church. I've been taking two to four girls to church each Sunday the past few weeks so I've gotten used to company... back to sitting by myself but maybe its all for a good reason. Either way... happy Easter!
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