calling...

There are a ton of resources out there talking about finding your calling in life. Christians spend a lot of time talking about, trying to find and live out God's calling on our lives. Different people suggest different methods. Sometimes it can almost be crippling as the instructions can send us into overload.

A few years ago I was debating a job opportunity and could not figure out if that was where God was calling me. I felt like God has a plan for my life and I wanted him to guide my steps... so much so that I wanted Him to tell me yes or no to the job. I felt like if I made the wrong decision, I would be outside of God's will. I am so grateful for a pastor I met briefly and haven't seen since who told me God's plan was for me to glorify Him and I would be in His will no matter what I decided as long as I glorified Him. It reminded me of the John Piper quote, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."

I still consistently pray God open the doors He wants me to walk through and close everything else. I still don't always trust my decision-making and I am thankful for God's direction in my life.

Earlier this year I came across a quote from Frederick Buechner, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I love it... I'm still trying to figure out what it means for me, but I think to find a place or places like that is so encouraging and what I would like to think of as the sweet spot in this life on earth. Here's to finding the place God calls us.

laugh of the week...

When all else fails there's always Ellen Degeneres scaring people...

harder than training for the Olympics...

Hmm... how do I keep this professional? I have loosely followed track and field since I was a kid. I was in a running club as a kid (because our PE teacher was hot) and at some point I started competing in track meets in middle school. Eventually I joined the high school team and after reaching the pinnacle of my career finishing fourth at states in the pole vault I retired soon after and embarrassed myself in other sports. Since then I've been fortunate to meet storied Tennessee track coach J.J. Clark and work alongside former Olympian Duane Ross. I have an appreciation for track and field and recently have admired Lolo Jones' career. (even if she did go to LSU!) Last night she was featured on the show "SEC Storied" and everyone got to see her crazy background going from sleeping at a shelter to making the Olympic team.

Tonight they're airing a special on HBO I won't have a chance to catch due to the lack of HBO, but Yahoo showed a clip that had me cracking up and just added to my admiration. Not only is she a world champion hurdler, but she's rocking that V card proudly. I love that she isn't nerdy and she's not a virgin because she didn't have the opportunity. I'm not sure how many other 29 year old women are virgins by choice, but I'm glad Lolo's keeping me company.

laugh of the week...

Sports teams have been doing choreographed dances to songs for years... or at least our baseball team has... somehow Harvard baseball went viral with "Call Me Maybe" and now SMU rowing has a rebuttal. These are almost as much fun as rain delay dance-offs. Name your winner!

praying for mom...

Remember when I used to blog all the time? I had a schedule and often even blogged a week ahead of time just overflowing with wisdom (ha!). And then... life happened. I haven't blogged in more than a month and before that it was probably at least three weeks... definitely not the typical rules of thumb for a successful blog. And then I thought... since when did I create this blog to be a success? Everything else in our lives is set up to attempt to be the best or to gain some kind of praise... and maybe this just needs to be my safe place to just write without expectation or need for approval. Would be nice! So yes, I'll probably blog more in the summer, but I don't want it to be out of obligation or rules or expectations.

On another note... I happened to be inspired on mother's day! I'm spending another one without my mom so I have the chance to be sappy and reflective. In church this morning, Pastor Cook shared prayers moms have prayed for their children. I started thinking about prayers children pray for their moms.

Today... I'm praying for mom that she might always be happy. I'm praying she'll continue to grow in her relationship with God. I'm praying for our relationship that we might continue to get to know each other better. I'm so grateful for her patience with my dad, sister and I and pray it will continue! I'm praying she can retire soon and still find some financial freedom. I'm praying she'll always feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in life. I'm praying she never has to feel pain or suffering (would be nice!) and I'm praying I'll always be there when she needs me... even if it means changing her diaper. (I'm thinking she's probably changed one or two of mine!)

I am so grateful for my mom and hope she and all of the other moms have an amazing mother's day!

strengthen my hands...

Recently... I've been struck by how empty or superficial faith can be. I'm a fighter. I'm a fixer. When something's broken I want to fix it. If my faith isn't "working" (in quotations to stress the irony of a faith "working" for me)... I want to fix it. Sometimes we're always looking to be fed, and we forget sometimes God has called us to feed. Don't get me wrong... I think we have to be fed to feed others, but it's not always about what we get... sometimes we're called to give.

Tonight our group watched the Shallow Small Group video. I had seen it before and I think it's ironically funny. And yet at some point tonight I became fearful the video was talking about us... and yet we didn't get a chance to dare I say "unpack" the video and be something deeper. I don't want my faith to be shallow or superficial and I don't want our ministry to either.

I keep asking myself what do you do if your faith is stagnant or superficial? What do you do if your church or your ministry is shallow or stuck? Do you quit? Do you find another faith or another church or another ministry? I can't quit. I believe I'm called to seek change before walking away. One of my favorite books is Nehemiah. He was leading the people to rebuild the wall and in chapter 4 they started to face opposition, but they prayed and Nehemiah said “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” (Nehemiah 4:14). They faced more opposition in chapter 6 and Nehemiah said, "They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, 'Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.' But I prayed, 'Now strengthen my hands.'" (Nehemiah 6:9)

Don't get me wrong... there are some things that are not of God and we need to just flee (James 4:7)... to run away as fast as we can and drown ourselves in God.

Tonight I stumbled on a random message board where someone had posted this comment in response to the blog "15 Reasons I Left Church"... "I wonder how often #10 (I left the church because of my own selfishness and pride.) is the real reason people leave and the other fourteen are just ways to cover that up. I've seen it on message boards and thought it myself when my wife and I were looking for a new church when we moved. We have preferences as to types of music, preaching styles, standard attire, formality of the service, what kind of coffee they serve in the lobby, congregation size, appearance of the building, community prestige of the church, and all kinds of other stuff. I wonder how often our desire to be served and entertained are more of a determining factor than the willingness to serve others. That Bonhoeffer quote I mentioned in fragile's thread really hit me: 'The Church is only the Church when it exists for others.' Completely changed my attitude toward the church I am now attending. Instead of complaining about how I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm looking for ways to put my gifts and talents to use for the benefit of others."

This opens a whole new can of worms, but I had to read the blog. Most of the blogger's reasons I've heard before, but I think what really broke my heart were the 842 comments (in two weeks) people have left in response to the blog. People have bantered back and forth arguing for and against and essentially just beating each other up. Christians and non-Christians alike just showing hate... spewing words in cyberspace because it's safe to be unknown and rude. Is this what we have become? The comments themselves could probably be reason number 16.

All this babble to say... what is my response? Do I run? Do I stop reading blogs or going to church or serving in ministry? I can't. I just keep praying... Now strengthen my hands.

curve balls...

Tonight at FCA, Caleb shared about getting out of our comfort zones... we shouldn't be too comfortable. He touched on the curve balls thrown at us and why bad things happen to good people. All points often discussed in the framework of Christianity. And yet we still seem surprised when we see another curve ball.

I have a habit of sharing my problems with friends. I love to unload my drama and get sympathy or encouragement or answers... and then I love to find someone else to tell. I usually have friends that specialize in certain problems. Or I know which friend to pick if I want sympathy or accountability or someone who will kick someone's butt for me. Sometimes it's best to pick a friend who's been through a similar situation or knows the people or events involved. And sometimes it's best to pick someone who knows no one or none of it. When one friend doesn't tell me what I hear, I try another.

And then... occasionally... there are the situations when I feel like no one will understand. No one can or maybe no one knows how to offer sympathy or encouragement let alone answers. Sometimes curve balls send me right to my knees. I spend a lot of time crying out... asking the why's... fighting the anger... the confusion... the hurt... the unknown. I can't always hear God audibly encouraging me or feel him hugging me but I know he's there. Sometimes I'm convinced a curve ball or two comes my way as a reminder to hit my knees... first. I keep looking for the friend who can answer my cries and he's waving wildly trying to get my attention.

I have been comforted by the little things this week. A song... a prayer... a testimony... a verse... a book. No people necessary... just God.

Song of the week... Jesus Friend of Sinners by Casting Crowns

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
...Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours
And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet