Today I turned 26. I think most people stop making a big deal out of their birthdays around 21 (of course I guess some stop at 7 and then pick up again for 16, 18 and 21) so please pardon my enthusiasm about 26. I typically spend my birthday in different places other than home beginning with celebrating at summer camps while I was growing up. After college I was all over... In 2003 I was trying to make it at my first real job in Cary... In 2004 I was actually home on the shore for a little while... In 2005 I was taking my comps aka final exam in Tennessee... In 2006 I was in New Mexico... In 2007 I was hanging out with the family in Fayettenam. Today I went to work but tried to make the most of my annual holiday.
It shouldn't really be that big of a deal but I look forward to hearing from my friends and family. The one day a year when I can be a tad bit selfish and expect a call. I secretly (or not so secretly anymore for all of you that stalk my blog) test everyone's memory to see who remembers my birthday. When myspace and facebook arrived I felt like it gave everyone a cheat sheet and for the past couple of years I took my birthday down the week before to see who actually remembered but I opted to leave it up this year. Last year there were four well wishes and today there were 45. Evidently facebook is a good reminder.
Regardless I'm grateful to all of my friends and family. I received a ton of gifts today that I did not deserve nor expect. I had some help staying up til 1:03 am to ring in my actual birth in style... ok not really that exciting but I appreciated the company. I finally have my fire pit that I've been wanting since I bought my house and had a special delivery to the office to brighten up a normally blase afternoon. I wish I could combine the four different versions of "happy birthday" that I heard... someone could make a lot of money off of that mix. I've lost track of the birthday e-mails, texts and phone calls. Who knew that many people cared when I turned 26.
I hope I can soak in every moment... sometimes when you've been doing something awhile it is easy to become complacent. I don't want to take life for granted... I am blessed and extremely thankful.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
august ahead...
I made the mistake of typing an entire blog within myspace before attempting to post and running into a myspace error. Don't worry, it's been forwarded to their technical group, but I have a feeling the technical group is in no hurry to rescue my ramblings. Good thing I felt strongly enough to remember most of it... :)
I typically measure time based on the schedule of my job and the vacations that come with it... occasionally. I know that summer ends August 10th when football players report and I know that Christmas break begins December 15th after the last basketball game of 2008 and I am back to work January 3rd when basketball begins again (although I do have a break from home games from Dec. 2 - Jan. 11). I also know summer begins when the last student-athlete competes at their NCAA competition in late May.
Some times I get caught up in the stress and demands of sports information, but last week I was able to recharge the batteries a bit at our nerd convention (aka SID convention). I met some new people... hung out with some people I already knew and even learned a few things in between. I can look ahead towards the new school year and say I'm excited to meet the new student-athletes and reunite with the returners. I'm excited to unveil the new website and free up some time. I'm excited to implement some new things and just be better at my job... third time's a charm right?!
I'm sure I'll still be stressed and I'll still have some bad days... but I want to be grateful for my career. No one should have hired me based on my lack of experience but I'm thankful for Methodist's ignorance or perhaps Coach Jarman's persuasive persistence. I don't always understand why Fayetteville but I trust God has a plan and I want to keep learning and growing.
I appreciate the people in my life who have supported me through the last two years of SID chaos... whether it was answering a stat-crew question in the middle of a game... taking over PA during a NCAA tournament so I could get a break... listening to me vent about my job even when you didn't have a clue what I was talking about... traveling during holidays to stat games when I didn't have the student help... or just being there... thank you.
I'm going to refuse a final summer countdown and instead choose to soak it all in...
I typically measure time based on the schedule of my job and the vacations that come with it... occasionally. I know that summer ends August 10th when football players report and I know that Christmas break begins December 15th after the last basketball game of 2008 and I am back to work January 3rd when basketball begins again (although I do have a break from home games from Dec. 2 - Jan. 11). I also know summer begins when the last student-athlete competes at their NCAA competition in late May.
Some times I get caught up in the stress and demands of sports information, but last week I was able to recharge the batteries a bit at our nerd convention (aka SID convention). I met some new people... hung out with some people I already knew and even learned a few things in between. I can look ahead towards the new school year and say I'm excited to meet the new student-athletes and reunite with the returners. I'm excited to unveil the new website and free up some time. I'm excited to implement some new things and just be better at my job... third time's a charm right?!
I'm sure I'll still be stressed and I'll still have some bad days... but I want to be grateful for my career. No one should have hired me based on my lack of experience but I'm thankful for Methodist's ignorance or perhaps Coach Jarman's persuasive persistence. I don't always understand why Fayetteville but I trust God has a plan and I want to keep learning and growing.
I appreciate the people in my life who have supported me through the last two years of SID chaos... whether it was answering a stat-crew question in the middle of a game... taking over PA during a NCAA tournament so I could get a break... listening to me vent about my job even when you didn't have a clue what I was talking about... traveling during holidays to stat games when I didn't have the student help... or just being there... thank you.
I'm going to refuse a final summer countdown and instead choose to soak it all in...
Monday, June 16, 2008
on repeat
I've lost count of the number of times I've started this blog. Well maybe not this particular blog... but of my next blog. Growing up I never thought much of my writing abilities. I grew up writing stupid fantasy stories, but when it came to graded work, it never came easy to me. Now I end up writing to earn a paycheck and just pray I don't receive too many angry correction e-mails. Blogging lets me go back to my stupid fantasy stories when I can (in theory) write without fear of receiving a (poor) grade or a salary downgrade. At the same time blogging is exposing my writing to the myspace world. Sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to repeat myself but maybe you didn't read the first couple... :)
... I really value friendship. Perhaps too much. I have a hard time letting go of friendships that fade away. It doesn't make sense to me... especially if there's not a tangible reason. I tend to call people back. I tend to confide in the people I trust. I tend to keep in touch with the people. That's not to say I don't have people I can not see for a year and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I guess I just don't transition well when people move from the "keep in touch - hang out a lot" category to "pick up where we left off." Trying... I am.
... I really value communication. When I'm upset, I usually let you know. Sometimes I try to let it go but if it continues to eat at me then I feel like it's valid... well at least valid enough to confront you about it. On the other side, if you're mad at me, tell me... at least give me the chance to fix it. I want to be able to say that everything I say, I mean. I don't want to be someone that hurts everyone through honesty but I also don't think it's fair to lie to everyone just to be nice. There has to be a balance.
... I really value family. I go back and forth all the time about where I want to live. I grew up wanting to live in NC so I only applied to NC colleges. I wanted to stay when I graduated and had a pretty sweet job until people decided women's pro soccer wasn't worth supporting... sending me back to Maryland. I didn't have much of a social life there and went to grad school where it took me 10 months to find friends in Tennessee before I left a month later just to return to Maryland. I was engrossed in weddings but still not really digging the lack of friends... hence a move back to NC. Here I am... missing my family like crazy. Just since January I've missed my mom, sister, and brother's birthdays, easter, mother's day and father's day. I won't be with them for my birthday or my dad's or other sister's. I'm grateful to have two days at Thanksgiving and hopefully a week at Christmas. I love the shore. I'm not sure I'll meet my husband there, but I know I could raise a family there. Every time I cross the bridge I know I'm home.
... I am constantly figuring out who I am. I am constantly fighting the urge to fake it. I want to be who I am and be content with the cards I'm dealt. Still seeking...
... I really value friendship. Perhaps too much. I have a hard time letting go of friendships that fade away. It doesn't make sense to me... especially if there's not a tangible reason. I tend to call people back. I tend to confide in the people I trust. I tend to keep in touch with the people. That's not to say I don't have people I can not see for a year and pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I guess I just don't transition well when people move from the "keep in touch - hang out a lot" category to "pick up where we left off." Trying... I am.
... I really value communication. When I'm upset, I usually let you know. Sometimes I try to let it go but if it continues to eat at me then I feel like it's valid... well at least valid enough to confront you about it. On the other side, if you're mad at me, tell me... at least give me the chance to fix it. I want to be able to say that everything I say, I mean. I don't want to be someone that hurts everyone through honesty but I also don't think it's fair to lie to everyone just to be nice. There has to be a balance.
... I really value family. I go back and forth all the time about where I want to live. I grew up wanting to live in NC so I only applied to NC colleges. I wanted to stay when I graduated and had a pretty sweet job until people decided women's pro soccer wasn't worth supporting... sending me back to Maryland. I didn't have much of a social life there and went to grad school where it took me 10 months to find friends in Tennessee before I left a month later just to return to Maryland. I was engrossed in weddings but still not really digging the lack of friends... hence a move back to NC. Here I am... missing my family like crazy. Just since January I've missed my mom, sister, and brother's birthdays, easter, mother's day and father's day. I won't be with them for my birthday or my dad's or other sister's. I'm grateful to have two days at Thanksgiving and hopefully a week at Christmas. I love the shore. I'm not sure I'll meet my husband there, but I know I could raise a family there. Every time I cross the bridge I know I'm home.
... I am constantly figuring out who I am. I am constantly fighting the urge to fake it. I want to be who I am and be content with the cards I'm dealt. Still seeking...
Sunday, May 18, 2008
73 days later...
Once again a drought in blogging... but I didn't hear a lot of complaining so I think I may have been the only one who noticed. :)
In the past 73 days I've managed to stay busy. I bought a house. My parents freaked out, but they've since come around... at least to my face, which I appreciate. I'm not sure I'll ever know if it was the best decision, but I'm relieved to not have to pay rent... not to mention I know a whole lot more about mortgages, real estate and home repairs.
I've thought a lot about communication lately. It keeps coming up and I feel like it's a cliche to say so but I really think it's one of the pillars of most friendships/relationships between people. I want to trust the people in my life and I base trust on if I feel like you're communicating honestly with me. Sometimes I believe people are speaking honestly, but then they act differently. Is it our words or our actions that are then trustworthy? Most of the time I would say actions... but occasionally I wonder if you just don't have the nerve to act on who you are. But then if you don't have the nerve, maybe you really are the "dishonest" actions. And of course I didn't even question if your thoughts aligned with your words and/or actions.
Are you dizzy yet? I think I just talked myself in circles. I am constantly telling myself to not invest myself so much in people because they will just disappoint. And yet time and time again I set myself up hoping for a different outcome only to be let down. I tried to pull off that whole "go with the flow" vibe and I suck at it. It's not me. I thought my words and actions could change my thought process but it didn't work. Here's to letting go...
In the past 73 days I've managed to stay busy. I bought a house. My parents freaked out, but they've since come around... at least to my face, which I appreciate. I'm not sure I'll ever know if it was the best decision, but I'm relieved to not have to pay rent... not to mention I know a whole lot more about mortgages, real estate and home repairs.
I've thought a lot about communication lately. It keeps coming up and I feel like it's a cliche to say so but I really think it's one of the pillars of most friendships/relationships between people. I want to trust the people in my life and I base trust on if I feel like you're communicating honestly with me. Sometimes I believe people are speaking honestly, but then they act differently. Is it our words or our actions that are then trustworthy? Most of the time I would say actions... but occasionally I wonder if you just don't have the nerve to act on who you are. But then if you don't have the nerve, maybe you really are the "dishonest" actions. And of course I didn't even question if your thoughts aligned with your words and/or actions.
Are you dizzy yet? I think I just talked myself in circles. I am constantly telling myself to not invest myself so much in people because they will just disappoint. And yet time and time again I set myself up hoping for a different outcome only to be let down. I tried to pull off that whole "go with the flow" vibe and I suck at it. It's not me. I thought my words and actions could change my thought process but it didn't work. Here's to letting go...
Thursday, March 6, 2008
vision
I'm having trouble seeing further than what's right in front of me. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to live in the now and not stress out about what could come but now I'm drowning in the nothingness of now and struggling to keep fighting for what's beyond it all.
I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I guess this is what happens when I work four baseball games in five days or write 26 stories in seven days or work 67 hours this week... I'm fried. This is my life in march... gotta love it.
I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I guess this is what happens when I work four baseball games in five days or write 26 stories in seven days or work 67 hours this week... I'm fried. This is my life in march... gotta love it.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
life imitating art...
I haven't written in forever. Two of my loyal readers deserted myspace and I think there was a part of me wondering what's the point. At the same time, I think it's still healthy for me to write... whether it's necessary for me to write it in "public" for you to read I haven't decided... in the meantime here's some healthy babble.
I have this thing for the tv show "one tree hill." Most people can't stand it. It premiered around the same time as "the o.c." and "the o.c." received most of the fans and notoriety but while I followed "the o.c." I've always felt more connected to "one tree hill." I lost some of you already by trying to convince you a person could (or should) connect to a television show... but hear me out. Some of the story lines are far fetched... some have been frustrating and others have been trashy. At the same time, I love it when a character expresses him/herself because it feels honest. Peyton started out as this dark, troubled girl who expressed herself only through her drawings or music. Lucas was the outcast of his school and basketball team trying to find his place all while writing everything down. I'm not sure how realistic it all is but Lucas has shared some awesome quotes from writers while Peyton's exposed me to some great new music over the years.
Lucas and Peyton have had some ups and downs but I feel like sometimes they just say what I couldn't figure out how to say... or sometimes they just remind me that I need to express myself rather than let it stay bottled up inside. Some people find life imitates art while others think art imitates life. I just appreciate the opportunity to see a glimpse of someone or something I needed at that particular moment in this real life I live so far away from the television screen.
"The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface."
"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for all those years so he could be a good friend. I didn't come here to rehash the past. Lucas I love you and it is gonna suck but if what you really want is for me to let go then Im gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."
I have this thing for the tv show "one tree hill." Most people can't stand it. It premiered around the same time as "the o.c." and "the o.c." received most of the fans and notoriety but while I followed "the o.c." I've always felt more connected to "one tree hill." I lost some of you already by trying to convince you a person could (or should) connect to a television show... but hear me out. Some of the story lines are far fetched... some have been frustrating and others have been trashy. At the same time, I love it when a character expresses him/herself because it feels honest. Peyton started out as this dark, troubled girl who expressed herself only through her drawings or music. Lucas was the outcast of his school and basketball team trying to find his place all while writing everything down. I'm not sure how realistic it all is but Lucas has shared some awesome quotes from writers while Peyton's exposed me to some great new music over the years.
Lucas and Peyton have had some ups and downs but I feel like sometimes they just say what I couldn't figure out how to say... or sometimes they just remind me that I need to express myself rather than let it stay bottled up inside. Some people find life imitates art while others think art imitates life. I just appreciate the opportunity to see a glimpse of someone or something I needed at that particular moment in this real life I live so far away from the television screen.
"The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface."
"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for Karen. Burying his feelings for all those years so he could be a good friend. I didn't come here to rehash the past. Lucas I love you and it is gonna suck but if what you really want is for me to let go then Im gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
thinking
It's Christmas night and I'm exhausted, but I don't want the day to pass me by without really grasping the reality of it. Most of our holidays have become over commercialized... people more concerned with buying cards and gifts than appreciating the true meaning behind the holiday. Christmas is no different... we rush around to send Christmas cards, decorate the house, buy gifts, attend the Christmas parties, pretend to be Santa for the kids... it's every where.
The funny thing is, Christmas started in something resembling more like a stable when a virgin teenage girl had a baby. There was no Santa, no house decorations, no cards or reindeer. Some of our Christmas traditions started with thoughts of Christianity, but they've been so distorted some of us don't even know what Christmas really means. Christmas is the day we celebrate Jesus' birth. The part that is hard to understand (or maybe believe) is Jesus is God's son but came to earth with a greater plan that would ultimately be fulfilled through Easter. No one really expected God's son to come through a poor teenager in a barn, but humans screw up and God was gracious enough to send his Son to cover up for us... (an understatement). Either way I want to remember why I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to open presents and spent the day with family chaos rather than sitting in my office staring at a computer all day.
Discovering Christmas
A man hated church, but he loved ducks. But his ducks were really dumb ducks. They wouldn't go south when winter came. He fretted as each day got colder, and they weaker. He tried to put grain down leading into his barn, where they would be safe, but they wouldn't have any of it. He left the doors open at night, and put lights on inside, and they didn't even notice. It grew colder as the days went by, and the duck lover pondered and thought. He played music inside. He put Fox decoys all around outside. In frustration, he finally tried to herd them into his barn, but the more he waved and shouted, the more afraid the dumb ducks got, and fled further away from the warmth and the food their loving duck shepherd was offering them.
Our poor duck shepherd fell to his knees sobbing, knowing these ducks would soon die now, and nothing he could do would help them- nothing, because he was unfathomable to them, and they feared him. He thought, "If only I could be one of them, I could show them, communicate to them, and they would accept me, and not be afraid of me, and I could bring them to safety, warmth, shelter- to a place I myself have prepared for them. Just then he heard the bells for Christmas eve services, and realized for the first time what that babe in Bethlehem was all about...
Sidenote... babble about prayer...
I think about prayer a lot. Someone gets sick and we ask for prayer. Sometimes we pray for our food before we eat it. Occasionally we are hit with an emergency and throw up a prayer out of desperation. I'm not always sure how effective my prayers are, but I have to trust that they're being heard. Unfortunately the examples of prayer that we put out there aren't always good ones. In a lot of churches, prayer is a speech with a lot of churchy words like "redemption" and "wherefore shall" and "calvary" that are not found in our typical conversation. I think prayer is a way to communicate with God... so it doesn't have to be wordy or churchy or stiff... I don't think God's impressed by it. Prayer is like calling my best friend to talk... or maybe writing a letter is easier than talking... there are no rules... I just think it should be real...
The funny thing is, Christmas started in something resembling more like a stable when a virgin teenage girl had a baby. There was no Santa, no house decorations, no cards or reindeer. Some of our Christmas traditions started with thoughts of Christianity, but they've been so distorted some of us don't even know what Christmas really means. Christmas is the day we celebrate Jesus' birth. The part that is hard to understand (or maybe believe) is Jesus is God's son but came to earth with a greater plan that would ultimately be fulfilled through Easter. No one really expected God's son to come through a poor teenager in a barn, but humans screw up and God was gracious enough to send his Son to cover up for us... (an understatement). Either way I want to remember why I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to open presents and spent the day with family chaos rather than sitting in my office staring at a computer all day.
Discovering Christmas
A man hated church, but he loved ducks. But his ducks were really dumb ducks. They wouldn't go south when winter came. He fretted as each day got colder, and they weaker. He tried to put grain down leading into his barn, where they would be safe, but they wouldn't have any of it. He left the doors open at night, and put lights on inside, and they didn't even notice. It grew colder as the days went by, and the duck lover pondered and thought. He played music inside. He put Fox decoys all around outside. In frustration, he finally tried to herd them into his barn, but the more he waved and shouted, the more afraid the dumb ducks got, and fled further away from the warmth and the food their loving duck shepherd was offering them.
Our poor duck shepherd fell to his knees sobbing, knowing these ducks would soon die now, and nothing he could do would help them- nothing, because he was unfathomable to them, and they feared him. He thought, "If only I could be one of them, I could show them, communicate to them, and they would accept me, and not be afraid of me, and I could bring them to safety, warmth, shelter- to a place I myself have prepared for them. Just then he heard the bells for Christmas eve services, and realized for the first time what that babe in Bethlehem was all about...
Sidenote... babble about prayer...
I think about prayer a lot. Someone gets sick and we ask for prayer. Sometimes we pray for our food before we eat it. Occasionally we are hit with an emergency and throw up a prayer out of desperation. I'm not always sure how effective my prayers are, but I have to trust that they're being heard. Unfortunately the examples of prayer that we put out there aren't always good ones. In a lot of churches, prayer is a speech with a lot of churchy words like "redemption" and "wherefore shall" and "calvary" that are not found in our typical conversation. I think prayer is a way to communicate with God... so it doesn't have to be wordy or churchy or stiff... I don't think God's impressed by it. Prayer is like calling my best friend to talk... or maybe writing a letter is easier than talking... there are no rules... I just think it should be real...
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