ping pong...

There's a ton going on these days... I feel like most people blog with a purpose or an agenda and mine are more like ping pong balls bouncing around between quotes or topics or songs or questions. I feel like it mirrors my life and I'm just keeping it real. :)

First of all this week will wrap up a long school year. Classes are finished... grades entered and I have just six student-athletes still competing. This week we're hosting a NCAA baseball regional tournament, but unfortunately MU wasn't selected to participate so I'll be watching 10-11 baseball games this week without a real vested interest in any of the teams. It's probably a good thing in terms of my job as an objective scorer, but it can make the games drag on a bit. Shenandoah is representing the USA South so I've adopted them for the week not to mention some of my good friends happen to work there. I'm finishing my fourth year at Methodist and this will be my fourth NCAA event to host. I feel like they always stress me out... I become impatient and emotional and I just pray that I'm growing and maybe even boosting my resume! Either way, I would appreciate any prayers this week as we work some long hours... I knew it was going to be a long week when my alarm went off at 4:45 a.m. :)

A couple of notes from church yesterday. Almost a year ago Snyder welcomed their new pastor. It's been an adjusting year as I try to transition from Dr. Cogdill's funny stories and life application to Rev. Cook's vast knowledge of scripture and military formalism. I don't think one's better than the other... but a transition for sure. One of the things Cook started was asking everyone to stand when reading scripture. He introduced it by saying it comes from the Old Testament and while I haven't researched it like I probably should, I trusted his request. This past week he asked us to stand and also kind of admonished us... When he says "the word of God for the people of God" he wanted us to say "thanks be to God." I've heard it done a lot in the Methodist church, but never really grew up saying it... He said we should be thankful for the word of God so he expects us to respond as such so of course everyone sang out in a joyful chorus at the end of the scripture. It just comes off ritualistic and forced to me... Am I thankful? Absolutely! Should I tell God more often? Absolutely! Do I have to say the same words as everyone else at the same time immediately after being prompted to do so? I don't feel like I do. I actually tried researching this one and google didn't give me any immediate results. I don't want to rebel from what God wants for me... but I also really struggle with doing something just because everyone else is doing it. Just a thought...

After church I went to "sunday school" that sounds like I'm six, but really it's a great group of young adults who can have some great discussion. We've been looking at the bible and what it means. Something that has stuck with me... someone brought up the bible was Jesus giving us an example of how to live. Someone else countered with yes, Jesus is an example but really the bible is showing us Jesus is a substitute. If we just see Him as an example we'll always be living in despair because we can't live up to the example or we'll become self-righteous because we think others can't live up to it. As a substitute... we can live in grace and gratefulness living out of love. We can't pay it back... but I want to live as if I might have before we needed the substitute.

One more ping pong bounce... I have this thing where I spend a lot of time trying to connect people... connect with them myself... connect them with others... I think we spend a lot of time stuck in what/who we know and forget to reach out. I caught a lot of flack in college for my mingling but I met some amazing people during that experience. Since returning to Methodist it hasn't always been easy to keep my connections. I don't regret any of them but it's always hard when a connection fades... especially when I start to wonder whether it was me or maybe I just misread the person or misread a situation or maybe it was just God saying not now. Praying I can trust His timing.

p.s. one tree hill season finale was crazy tonight!! not sure I can really put into words all of my thoughts but letting it simmer for now while I watch wakey wakey perform "almost everything"

BUZZsession: Almost Everything - Wakey!Wakey! from the WILD honey pie on Vimeo.

mom...

I didn't get to spend mother's day with my mom... again. I remember last year I was in Florida for the NCAA National Golf Championships and one of my co-workers but pretty upset about missing her first mother's day with her mom and daughter... and she was over 40. Meanwhile I'm just 27 and feel like I've spent at least the last four apart. Regardless I hope my mom always knows that my absence is not a reflection for how I feel about her. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without her. I know she held our family together while I was growing up.

Both of my grandmothers have passed away but I can't forget them today. Mommom Wolf passed away in 1993 and even though it's been more than 15 years, I still remember her vividly and appreciate everything she did for me. Mommom Britt passed away in 2003 after a long bout with dementia. It became harder and harder to connect with her, but I will always remember her cooking and humorous stories she brought to our lives.

Meanwhile... I have been blessed with so many women in my life who have made an impact on me. Aunts, sisters, cousins, friends, mothers of friends... countless people who have been a mother to me and countless others who have shown me what it means to be a mother. I can't wait until I can show that same love and support to my own children someday.

Happy Mother's Day to every mother, every mother-to-be and every adopted mother. I love you all.

some faves...

It's not often I have time to blog twice in a week but I just felt like sharing some faves I've stumbled upon this week...

Eight years ago I traveled to Orlando, Fla. for a leadership conference held by Michelle Akers' soccer outreach international organization. It sounded too good to be true... play soccer and learn more about my faith and leadership with my all-time favorite soccer player and a bunch of other soccer nuts. I think my parents were a little nervous about me traveling by myself to a random conference and I must admit I was a bit sketched out getting an e-mail from one of the organizers telling me she was going to pick me up in a red Xterra but that's all I knew. So I arrived in Orlando and waited outside the airport for a red Xterra that I prayed was taking me to a legit conference. It turned out to be a very influential weekend for me as I was preparing to finish my college career. I met a ton of awesome people and not too long ago I stumbled upon my Xterra driver Marcia on facebook. Earlier this week she posted a quote I had to steal...

“The greatest enemy of the spiritual life is self-rejection because it contradicts the Voice that calls you Beloved.” –Henri Nouwin

It was a great reminder for me this week... a reminder that He has called me Beloved and a reminder how cool God is in the way he connects people.

Later in the week one of my co-workers, Chris, forwarded me a sweet video from Ohio State. A little annoying it's Ohio State sure, but I can't get over that this is not high school musical or glee but an actual university. I can't wait to set this up at MU... I just need to install a few more cool stairwells to really get the cool effects.

Tonight I was checking out all the blogs I like to stay updated on and saw one of my favorite photographers, Ica, posted a Kari Jobe video of the song "Beautiful." I've been on a KJ kick since the dove awards a couple of weeks ago, but I love this song. I'm totally ripping Ica's blog, but really resting in the line, "Here in your presence, I am not afraid of brokenness."

Finally... I've been loving John Mark McMillan's "How He Loves" for more than a year now since I saw an original video (pre-crowder cover) thanks to kay. I will always love crowder, but I just saw a clip from JMM's video and I've decided I can love them both. :)

Rocking out and looking forward to a sweet friday!

may...

Wow... it's May! Sometimes it feels like just yesterday my little sister was getting married and here we are almost a year later. I think back to last year and can't get over how much has changed. It's crazy to think about when you have people you talked to every day and now don't communicate with at all. I would like to think I've continued to grow and become a better person but I suppose everyone has a right to their own opinion. :)

I have a little more than three weeks left of my school year. I've wrapped up our regular season home events after six baseball games this weekend and now have a couple of weeks to get ready for the NCAA regional baseball tournament May 20-24. In the meantime I have plenty to keep me busy but I have every intention of getting to the beach in the very near future. During my first three years back in NC I went to the beach during the last Saturday of April to give myself a day away. Unfortunately this year a baseball three-game series was moved back to Fayetteville leaving me here too. I am determined to get there eventually with or without company!

Earlier this week, Jennie Finch retweeted "If you want to be stand out, don't be an imitator. Be outstanding!" from Bianca Juarez. I didn't know who Bianca was, but it sparked my curiosity. It turns out she is a speaker, teacher and writer that I thoroughly enjoy reading. She has a blog and some videos that just really make me think. I think some of us get caught up churning out stuff we already know... what we've heard over and over again. On the other hand, Bianca is talking about the controversial issues giving me a different perspective.

I'm in a bit of a period of unknown. I've tried to give myself options, but I also prayed that God would eliminate the options I shouldn't take so it would be clear I would know what to do. I want to balance sticking with status quo because it's comfortable and staying with status quo because it's where I need to be. I found out I have one less option today. I have mixed emotions about it, but I'm really trying to trust God's plan for my life. A lot of Christians quote Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." But lately I've really been banking on verse 13 just a little later... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I'm holding onto it and moving forward...

By the way... this morning at church a little girl in front of me kept getting scolded by her mom for fidgeting too much during the worship. Eventually the pastor asked everyone to stand for the reading of the scripture and the girl checked the table of contents of her bible to find the page number for the book of Acts. She was trying to find the scripture herself when her mom closed the bible and snatched her up out of her seat to stand with everyone else. I don't have kids and definitely not a parenting expert but my heart broke for the girl. I think standing with everyone is so trivial compared to a child wanting to find scripture on her own. I was the kid being forced to memorize scripture and find bible verses. I started to resent it and yet here was a girl with the desire to do it on her own. I am so grateful now for all of my bible drilling mayhem but at the time I didn't have the same desire she had. I wanted nothing more than to give the bible back and let the girl find the scripture.

Remembering ovarian cancer awareness today... a ton of my family members walked in an ovarian cancer walk for the cause and I really wanted to be there. I'm remembering Aunt Donna and honoring Aunt Sharon from afar today!

caring...

I have a crazy habit of over thinking things. I want everything to be good or go well or make everyone happy that I tend to second guess or triple guess decisions, things I say and things I do. I have this huge desire to live my life trying to glorify God but sometimes these other things get in the way.

Pastor Cook told a story last week I had heard him tell before but still meaningful... I'll attempt to paraphrase. He had just become pastor at a small church where a guy really wanted him to talk to his daughter. Many members of the church expressed concern for her so he went to her house and she invited him in and he eventually shared with her the "gospel" or story about why we need God. He asked her if she wanted to receive Him as her savior and she declined so he just asked if he could pray for her and she said yes. He figured he would pray and be on his way but when he finished he noticed she was crying. When he asked what was wrong, she said he was the only one who had cared enough to come.

Simple enough... I think the first time I heard it I said "yeah, I know, tell people about Jesus." The second time I wondered who in my life I've just been sending others to reach them while they think I just don't care enough to do it myself. I'm a big fan of living my life as an example of who God is and what He has done for me... I'm always afraid of getting accused of shoving it down someone's throat... but I never want someone to think I didn't care enough. I care.

I spent the weekend in Burlington working my fourth USA South Tournament. I have one of the lighter loads in terms of responsibilities but always feel exhausted after I get back. It's a great opportunity to spend some time with the other men and women in my business and exchange some ideas but mostly laughs. Even better this year I spent some time with one of my friends from college when she wasn't coaching. Recently named the lacrosse Coach of the Year in our conference, I am so proud of her. She doesn't believe she deserves it, but I know how hard she's worked, I've heard the passion in her voice, I've seen her team try to soak in everything she teaches, I've watched her team succeed... she definitely deserves it. Is this the end all, be all? Absolutely not, it's only her second year as a head coach, but I hope it serves as encouragement to keep her battling on the recruiting trail before she eventually wins the conference championship!

Today I heard Tenth Avenue North's new song "Healing Begins." So good... even better after I watched the video journal explaining the message behind the song. So many of us try to be our own savior... I know I'm guilty of it... there's healing in confession.

All of this rambling mess to say... "Father, let my heart be after you..."

last song...

First of all... happy Easter! Sometimes I think Easter gets lost in the shuffle of holidays. As commercialized as Christmas is, there's this huge build up with buying presents and the decorating that I can at least hope allow people to prepare for the true meaning of it all. On the other hand there's a little bit of pre-Easter talk with Ash Wednesday and Lent leading up to Palm Sunday... maybe some Easter basket shopping but just not nearly to the magnitude of Christmas. I don't know that you can really compare the greatness of the two holidays... you need Christmas to have Easter... Jesus has to come to earth before he can die and rise again but I find such a peace from Easter.

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to spend Easter with my family for the first time in four years. My parents drove down to Winston-Salem, a midway point between my sister and I. We did some touristy stuff... ate way too much... spent a lot of time in the close quarters of a hotel room... but it was just really good to be together.

There's been quite the hoopla surrounding the book/movie The Last Song. A bunch of the girls went and saw it last week, but I have this thing about waiting to read the book first. I'm a loyal Nicholas Sparks fan and thankfully "the easter bunny" gave me the book in my basket. I finished it tonight and of course now I can't wait to see the movie.

I've seen the movie previews and knew there was something about the relationship with the girl and her father but I felt like the focus of the movie is the relationship between the girl and her boyfriend... or at least that's where the marketing seems to be focused. SPOILER ALERT (don't read ahead if you haven't read the book or seen the movie and don't want to know what happens!)

Don't get me wrong... I became a fan of Ronnie and Will early on and knew their relationship would have its obstacles but I really latched onto the relationship between Ronnie and her dad. I caught the foreshadowing and knew something was wrong with him... that there was more to the story about Ronnie and Jonah's summer stay and more to the story about the parents' divorce. Still knowing that something was going to happen didn't keep me from sobbing reading about his battle with cancer.

I've obviously seen the effects of cancer too often, but Steve's fight with stomach cancer hit too close to home. During my senior year of high school one of my best friend's mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer and it attacked her body so fast and so badly. Mrs. Diane was larger than life to me. During my junior year of high school I spent as much time as possible with her daughter Erin and our friends Kami and Betty. The three of them were all a year older and I dreaded their graduation. Mrs. Diane took us all in like her own whenever and as often as we wanted. She was at nearly every soccer game and I loved her sense of humor.

Erin came home one weekend in late September or early October during my senior year and broke the news to me that her mom had been diagnosed with stomach cancer. I didn't really know what that meant but I knew cancer was never good. That fall was hard... Erin e-mailed me to vent and I felt helpless. I tried to be there for her... I think we all did, but we were all treading through unfamiliar territory in different states not sure what to do next. I remember Mrs. Diane coming back to see me play one of my last high school soccer games and just feeling relief to see her there. In March we got an update that after removing her stomach they found cancer in her pancreas and had to remove her gall bladder and pancreas. How long can someone live without half their major organs? Memorial Day weekend I went to say goodbye and it amazed me, but didn't surprise me, how strong Mrs. Diane was... she never lost her sense of humor with us no matter how much she must have been hurting. That summer I went to work at my usual summer camp and dreaded the phone call I eventually received July 12th telling me she didn't make it. I made it home in time to go to the service... one of the hardest I have ever sat through. Such an amazing celebration of Mrs. Diane's life but it just made me miss her more.

The Last Song just took me back to Mrs. Diane and reading about Steve passing just reminded me of the pain she went through. While I probably would have cried for the fictional character regardless of my connection with his ailment... tonight I cried for Mrs. Diane. The pastor told us at Mrs. Diane's memorial service that her favorite passage was Psalm 100 and I have it marked to always remember... knowing I couldn't ever really forget.

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5

keep talking...

Some days I get in a mood to write regardless of readers. Other days I get in the mood to write because I know you're reading even if you don't say so. Life is full of moments that allow us to speak out or just to listen. I love checking in on some of my friends' blogs just to know what they're thinking. Sometimes it's a story they told me on the phone or summarized in a facebook post... other times it's the story behind the fluff and gives me a look behind the scenes. Knowing people, knowing what makes them tick intrigues me... especially when they're people that I don't get to see every day.

I have been known to talk to myself so I think it's been proven I don't need listeners to talk or readers to write... but it does make it seem more worthwhile knowing you're reading.

Today was a particularly sweet day of worship at Snyder followed by intelligent and hilarious conversation with a group of peers who thankfully know me outside of my job. I had the pleasure of talking to my parents for awhile and I'm fortunate enough to not have any home games today allowing me to watch my favorite team compete in the craziness that is March Madness. My Sunday schedule could be of no interest or all the interest but in the end, it's my opportunity to share... with no one or everyone! Oh the freedom of the world wide web! :)

“She taught me that it's okay to let down your guard and allow your players to get to know you. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.”-- Pat Summitt

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.