I didn't realize how long I've neglected my blog... but happy new year! I spoke at FCA last night and stressed myself out a bit. I'm normally okay speaking in public, but it's a bigger deal when I'm talking about myself to people I know... and care about what they think... Here goes nothing...
When I was a kid I always knew I’d graduate high school, go to college, find my husband, graduate and then get married. I have found that one of the biggest stressors for college students is relationships. Some people are looking for their husband or wife, some people are just looking for a person to hang out with… either way, healthy relationships, toxic relationships and everything in between can cause stress. I know… I’ve been there. I obviously don’t have the magic solution. I’m single! I haven’t solved the puzzle, but I have learned some lessons and I’m hoping that something I say might prevent you from walking into the same trap.
I believe that the decisions we make in life determine our path. We make choices and those choices send us in a particular direction. Sometimes we become insecure or unsatisfied and we make decisions out of character. Usually my poor decisions are because I’m not willing to wait for God. I don’t trust Him to fix it so I try to fix it myself. The story of my relationships is a story of me trying to fix things… over and over again.
This is who I am. I have spent a significant portion of my life trying to dispel the labels and be everything you think I’m not. If you label me as the soccer player, I’m going to get good grades. If you label me the nerd, I’m going to run for Homecoming queen. If you label me a socialite, I’m going to go to church. If you label me a Jesus freak, I’m going to go to the party. I don’t ever want to be boxed in… as you can see from some of my “costumes.” Only one of these was an actual Halloween costume… the idea that I have had any relationships when I’ve been seen like this amazes me!
Path #1 – Joe #1
I’m not sure how legit young relationships really are, but I was a big fan. I was definitely the little girl running around with the boys at recess, but I sincerely thought that was the way to their heart. In fourth grade, one of my friends and I went after these twins in third grade. Sometimes I had no idea which one I was talking to, but Joe wrote me tons of dreamy love letters. Unfortunately Joe and I didn’t work out. I still had trouble telling him apart from his twin brother and after a year and a half of “dating,” we hadn’t kissed. Only 11, but I knew I was falling behind amongst my classmates!
This was one of my favorite letters from Joe. I love that he told me he was a Christian. It reminds me that at 9, I knew it was important to have the same beliefs. I’ve known since I was 9 that I wanted to marry a Christian and there was no point in dating someone who didn’t share the same beliefs as me if we would never marry. I love that at 9, I asked a question that I can be afraid to ask now at 27. Of course I’m usually afraid to ask when I know the answer. I knew Joe was a Christian, now if only if he was a kissing Christian.
Path #2 – Andrew
In eighth grade I went out with Andrew Mangan. We had some things in common… we both played soccer, we were both in the band and we both couldn’t stand his ex-girlfriend. However, Andrew also liked Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Magic, the fantasy card game. So what did I do? I pretended to like them too. Andrew was the first chair trumpet so I fought to be first chair clarinet. I tried out for the all-shore band because he tried out and I tried to memorize Star Wars. Is there anything wrong with Star Wars or band? No. Is there anything wrong with taking an interest in the things your boyfriend or girlfriend is interested in? No. Should you fake it or forget who you are during the process? No. Andrew was the nicest guy ever… but when we got to high school and Star Wars and band weren’t cool anymore I ditched him. I was a jerk. Looking back at my 13-year old self, I was an idiot. I really think he would have liked me for me… I just don’t think I liked me for me! I say it all the time, but take off the mask and figure out who you are. It’s awesome to take an interest in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s hobbies and you might even pick up one of your own, but don’t fake it or pick up unhealthy ones just to make the relationship work. It won’t last.
Path #3 – Matt #1
In the middle of my freshman year of high school, I came home thrilled to tell my parents about this guy from my track team who had been arrested at school for hacking into the computer system. They knew his parents and the cops had taken him away in handcuffs while everyone was leaving for the day so it was huge gossip! Well I eventually got to know him through track and one night he called and asked me to go to prom. Are you kidding me? A few months ago I told my parents you were a criminal and now you want me to ask them if I can go to prom with you?? They laughed in my face. First because I was 14 and not allowed to date until I was 16 and secondly because they had no interest in me dating Matt Watson, the criminal! He understood which I thought was heroic and so we started “going out” but not really going anywhere. Since I couldn’t date, my criminal boyfriend started staying at his best friend’s house who lived in my neighborhood. We would wait until my parents went to sleep, he would tap on my window and I would sneak off into the night. Looking back, once again, I was an idiot. I justified my actions because he told me he went to church and the whole arrest thing was just a big misunderstanding and he showered me with gifts and told me he loved me. All of those things disguised the big red flashing lights going off in my head saying what in the world is wrong with you? I dated Matt off and on for two years continuing to fight this battle in my head between who I felt God calling me to be and who I felt Matt wanted me to be.
Path #4 – Transitional Doozies
Not that I had a good track record before, but I had some doozies of relationships during the transition from high school to college. I dated two preacher’s kids thinking they MUST be what I need. We all have vices… some are just easier to justify than others. I justified Matt #2’s smoking and drinking and attempts to “encourage” me to have sex with him as ok because it wasn’t who he really was. His mom was a pastor and he was just being poorly influenced but I could save him and change him. Just because his mom is a pastor or he goes to church or can recite bible verses, doesn’t mean he’s the man God has for me. I should have known better after our four month anniversary when he gave me a card that told me he had gotten a job so he didn’t have to feel bad about me paying for things anymore. Not that I wouldn’t have to pay for things anymore, just that he wouldn’t feel bad about it! Ok that’s probably not what he meant, but I let Matt #2 play with my heart for another two years before I could finally let go. I learned I couldn’t save everyone no matter how much I loved them or how much I forgave them. When I went home for Christmas break as a freshman, I felt lost. Classes were fine (other than Dr. Colonese), soccer was fine (other than losing to CNU in penalty kicks), I never even thought about transferring, but I had a strong desire for a place to belong. This whole concept of defining yourself in a new place left me with too many options and I tried out lots of different versions of me. Relationships were just one avenue, but while I was compromising, I was losing myself.
Path #5 – Joe #2
When I came to Methodist, FCA saved my life. I came here in the fall of 2000 to play soccer, but became disillusioned by the party lifestyle and found a place I could call home here on Tuesday nights. My sophomore year began and Joe was chosen to lead FCA and was assigned to be the women’s soccer athletic training student. He was the quiet one in large groups, but loved to goof off amongst friends. He was well-respected across campus for his faith and it didn’t take me long to stalk him… I mean like him. I had never dated a Christian guy like him (at least not since Joe #1) and I knew I didn’t want to mess it up. I tried extra hard to be patient and learn how to have a “Christian” relationship. After being so impatient over the past five years, I had to work hard to adopt this new kind of relationship. Someone told us it would be good to read together so when he came to visit over Christmas break, we went to Barnes & Noble to look around. We couldn’t find anything, but then he picked up “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. Have you ever heard of it? It’s about the guy who doesn’t date, but “courts” and basically picks a girl, gets to know her, and then tells her parents he wants to marry her… all without even a real hug… only side hugs! Well this was not the book I wanted my boyfriend reading! Of course he took it home and read it over break only to come back second semester and create some new physical boundaries I wasn’t used to. I grew up chasing boys for kisses and then Joe told me he decided he didn’t want to kiss until his wedding day. I tried… a little… but just like I broke up with the first Joe for not kissing me, I broke up with the second Joe. Don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t my sole reason and I learned a lot from Joe. I think I thought any relationship between two “Christians” would work. Certainly God would reward me for dating a good guy and we would live happily ever after but that doesn't always work!
I also learned something about physical boundaries. Many people will tell you not to have sex before marriage. There are verses alluding to it, books written about it, entire movements centered on it. I made the decision to wait until I get married and wear a ring to remember my commitment. I’ve always been upfront and strong when it comes to my decision and have a harder time figuring out where to draw the line before sex. I can't draw your line for you, but looking back, I'm so glad I have a line. I get so frustrated when a guy doesn’t value my decision to not have sex, but yet I disrespected Joe when I didn’t value his decision. The same importance I place on sex, Joe placed on kissing. How special will his wife feel to know he waited for her?
Path #6 – Post College
I struggle with these. They are repeats. Lessons I just stood here and confessed to you, I obviously didn’t really learn anything because I made many of the same mistakes.
The Prophet Malachi, speaking of the priests of Israel said of God; ‘He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. (Malachi 3:3)
Like me, those Levites, sadly, had gone away from the ways of God and drifted had into some of the ways of the surrounding nations for the sake of keeping the peace with the people they should have been leading in the discipline and ways of the Lord.
The process of the refining of gold means putting the gold dust in a crucible and heating it until it melts. It is then that impurities begin to come up to the surface as a dirty film. The refiner then takes a ladle to scoop off these impurities and discards them.
The refiner may repeat the process a number of times, ‘boiling’ the gold to bring up the impurities and removing them, until he is able to look onto the refined gold and can see the reflection of his face, as if he were looking into a mirror.
There may be times during our Christian life when we feel that we are going through a rough time, as if we are in a ‘melting pot’ situation just like I felt in these relationships. I wonder if that could be when God might be refining us in order to bring the best out of us, to cleanse us.
When God is taking us through such a time, it is not to make us feel hurt or worthless, but in order to bring out the real genuineness of our spirituality and that more of the likeness of Christ may be seen. It is helpful to think of the process of refining like this; when it is complete there will be no impurities lying underneath to spoil the quality of the gold. Everything has been brought to the service and scooped out.
Path Wrap-Up
Have you ever read the Shack? It can really spark some interesting discussion, but the author William P. Young was talking about his own life in reference to the book and he said, “I create a façade on the outside… That’s how I dealt with it. I tried to become a perfectionist hoping I could paint the façade fast enough to win somebody’s approval and affection. The reason you don’t let somebody into the shack (your inner self) is you’re afraid if you did, they’d reject you. When we do get affection and approval, we don’t believe it because they don’t know the whole truth, because if they did, they would reject us. Therefore we fooled them.”
But rest assured you are not alone. We are all in this together, trying to find ourselves and trying to find the person we can be honest with and let them in with the possibility we could still get hurt.
Just remember... "the path determines the destination. Not your tears, not your dreams, not your hopes, not your prayers. The path determines the destination.
When you get where you’re going, where will you be? Where will your path lead?
The path determines the destination." -- benji kelley
