he's just not that into you...

It's a Friday night with not a lot going on so I opted for a trip to Blockbuster. If you didn't know, I'm a sucker for the 3 for $20 or 4 for $20 previously viewed deals. I had to pick up "He's Just Not That Into You" after watching it earlier on my iPod.

One of my favorite scenes is the little bit from the not so psychotic girl...

"Ok, i have a question. Why did they invent call ID? Its like, who is this service helping? i mean for centuries... ok, well maybe not centuries, but for like... a lot and a lot of years, people have been answering their phone, and not knowing who it is, and uh, as far as i can tell, no ones died form that. and its like, if the police wanna know who placed a call, uhh, they could trace it. i mean what am i the police?! this constant obsession with needing to know whos calling all the time, its like, so gross! lke, you pick up the phone, you-you find out who it is, then you know. its like... look, all im saying... if a guy doesn't call me, i would like to reserve the right to call him at 15 minute intervals until he picks up... but, you know if he looks down and sees my number, hes gonna think im some kinda psycho or something... which im not. Obviously!"

Another fave from Drew Barrymore...

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Sometimes it's disheartening to watch chick flicks alone but occasionally they bring this weird sense of hope of what could be... in this case what could be without the psycho chick and her caller id or the rejected portals.

summer update

I think myspace is losing more and more users every day. People were already flocking to facebook and now twitter is trying to catch on too. There are some of us that are still trying to balance myspace, facebook and twitter but I just don't think you can do all three well. I'm trying to hang on to myspace merely for the blog but at this point I think I'd have the same readership if I just "blogged" in my journal.

This summer has had its ups and downs. The downs really had me down and lately my tactic is just to pretend the downs don't exist. I'm not very good at it. During the school year I run around like crazy with this ridiculous schedule and summer comes around and I have all this free time... free time to think too much.

Thankfully, my sister got married a little more than a week ago and I was able to escape Fayetteville and surround myself with my family and friends. As the weekend went on I think it just kept getting better. The rehearsal dinner was good, everyone cried through the wedding and then we let it all go during the reception. Now my little sister is married... still a little crazy to think about but I'm soo happy for both Kelsie and Barton. I got little sleep while I was in Maryland... spent my first father's day with my dad in a few years and then had to make my way back to Fayetteville.

Summer becomes a balance. My personality typically likes to always be doing something but then I crave time to relax whether it be by myself or with a close friend or two. I'm trying to balance the free time I'm blessed with during summer with a social life. Many of my friends don't live in Fayetteville... most don't even live in NC... I'm grateful for visitors and thrilled about the chance for vacations like Riley Fest with my second family at the Outer Banks this week. There's a part of me that feels like I just got back and another part of me that is just itching to get out of here.

Enough rambling... I want to be grateful for summer and thankful for the ups regardless of the downs. Here goes nothing...

hodge podge

An assortment of thoughts to add to your holiday weekend...

1. More and more people are dropping myspace. I wondered whether I was talking to myself before, now I know I'm talking to myself.

2. Since our first athletic event of the 2008-09 school year I've written more than 450 stories. That's crazy... particularly since it's probably my least favorite thing about my job. No more games/meets/matches until August.

3. Somehow we pulled off a surprise bridal shower for my little sister. My older sister was a huge help... we had about half of the bridesmaids here and my mom entertained kelsie while we could set up. I love surprises but I'm grateful the stress is over!

4. My little sister gets married in less than a month (steph too... congrats!). It's crazy to think about but I'm happy for kelsie and barton and pray they'll enjoy marital bliss!

5. I believe the very definition of "best friend" makes it impossible to have more than one. If they're the best then, they have to better than all the rest right? Maybe it's just because I suck at keeping them or being one or something... just a theory I have.

6. I'm not sure I'm very good at relationships either. I don't always know what I'm doing... I get stuck rocking back and forth between making decisions based on the future and trying to live in the moment. Dan... thank you for your patience.

7. I bought Kate Voegele's new cd on amazon for $2.99. Can't pass up a steal like that. I could be biased because she sings on one tree hill but I just wanted to let you know what I thought.

8. I'm beginning another summer of home improvements. I hope it looks as good when I'm finished as I'm envisioning in my head!

9. I miss the shore... I just don't think it's my time to be back yet.

10. I would like to go back to high school for a day... with everyone else from my "era"... but just to see everyone and laugh at what we thought was monumental and maybe appreciate the little things we skipped past.

the facade...

It's late and the week has been long but I had to share what's rattling around in my heard if I wanted any chance of sleeping tonight.

I haven't been able to attend my church here in Fayetteville lately. A couple of weeks ago I was working in Burlington and then the last weekend of April I was in Virginia for my cousin's funeral so I went to my friend Laura's church in Manassas. I heard a message at the Quest on Betting on Hope. The biggest thing I took away from Manassas was trying to grasp the concept of faith... but remembering the man with leprosy who said "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Not can you make me clean or please make me clean... but with faith to say I know you can but are you willing. My prayer life has changed... and I still need to listen to this past Sunday's sermon to hear the next piece of the story.

This past Sunday I was hoping to visit New Hope in Durham to hear the author of the Shack, William P. Young speak. I wasn't able to make it but their pastor Benji Kelley posted video on his site. I loved the Shack... I blogged about the Shack. I'll talk to anyone about the Shack. I didn't know a whole lot of Young's story but I can't describe the feelings I went through listening to him speak... there's a part of his story that resonates within me. He talks about how he grew up as a "religious kid" as a missionary kid and pastor's kid. He says...

"I create a facade on the outside... That's how I dealt with it. I tried to become a perfectionist hoping I could paint the facade fast enough to win somebody's approval and affection...
The reason you don't let somebody into the shack (your inner self) is you're afraid if you did, they'd reject you. When we do get affection and approval, we don't believe it because they don't know the whole truth, because if they did, they would reject us. Therefore, we fooled them."

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to read it... it's almost summer maybe you'll have time. Either way check out Young's story... http://www.benjikelley.com/

pray naked

This week has sucked a lot out of me. I was in Burlington, NC from Thursday to Sunday for work and didn't get home until after midnight Sunday night/Monday morning. I tried to sleep in some Monday but had some catching up to do at the office not to mention preparation for our awards banquet Tuesday. Tuesday was filled with meetings and high stress and ended the evening just feeling disconnected from the people in my life.

I don't always understand myself... rarely I understand myself. I can be wishy washy and opinionated... I can be judgmental and too forgiving... I can be desperate for time alone and still be desperate for time with friends. I can't predict it.. I can't time it.. it's me.. maybe it's part of being a girl but I don't even want to excuse it so easily.

I went to sleep in my house by myself craving fellowship and woke up to an e-mail from my mom with the subject "upsetting news." That can't be good. My mom can be funny but e-mail subjects aren't usually her avenue of humor. It turns out my cousin, my dad's niece committed suicide Tuesday. She has to be close to 40 with a husband and kids. The last time I saw her was probably at a funeral three years ago. The last time I spent any considerable time with her was at our grandmother's funeral six years ago. I don't know a whole lot about her. That doesn't make it easier. There's something about family that makes it possible to miss them even if you barely knew them. I can't explain it. Maybe it's the unexpectectancy... just leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

Meanwhile I feel like death causes people to run to others for support. I just wanted to sit and cry yesterday and yet I had to go to work and pretend like everything's ok. Students are finishing classes and stressing about exams and I'm fumbling through silly work in my office. I've just been feeling this need for people... to be able to sit and talk in my pajamas all day talking and watching movies or sit in a restaurant until it closes and they kick us out. But life keeps going and I can't seem to keep up.

Some smart people said... " We don't normally think of attachment as an emotion, but our attachment for people and objects generates a great deal of emotion. For example, our attachment to people or objects creates a wider range of areas for trespass and therefore, anger. It is the loss of important attachments which bring on sadness. It is the attachment to people who upset us and the attachment to our righteousness which leads to hate. Some sages [e.g., Buddha and Jesus] have suggested that we should have no attachments, going so far as to give up family and friends to seek serenity."

As a Christian I feel like God would want me to be completely reliant on Him and not need others. I was reading a sermon from John Beddingfield called "pray naked" where he talked about in Mark 6 Jesus told the disciples to travel light and if people weren't going for what they had to say to "shake the dust off your feet when you leave." I'm not a very good dust shaker. I take rejection and criticism and I load them all up and try to walk around with them. Beddingfield said "When God calls, often he peels away the layers that weigh us down. In the calling of the prophets, in the calling of the disciples, in the calling of the faithful in every age, it often seems like God strips away in order to make us free." I'm aiming for free.

jambalaya

Another blog of random thoughts...

1. Twitter... I'm a recent addict. I've been hearing people talk about it but wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. I felt like I had enough to keep up with between facebook and myspace not to mention my personal e-mail account, work e-mail... all on top of managing a web site for 19 sports and 400 student-athletes. Regardless... I spent a Friday afternoon looking for new media for work and decided to stumble around twitter. I ended up creating a school profile and a personal one... There are still a lot of people who have never heard of it and I guess I describe it as being a lot like facebook or myspace statuses. People post what they're doing or what they're thinking and everyone reads what everyone else is saying. I think the biggest selling point is the celebrity presence... people like Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Shaq, Lance Armstrong, Ellen Degeneres... they're using twitter and letting their fans into their lives a bit. And yes its really them. There are plenty of fan sites and imitators, but you can tell which ones are real. You can follow thousands of people or just a couple of close friends. Anyone can follow you or you can make your profile private for only those you allow. You can update your twitter with a "tweet" just by texting. You can subscribe to the people you're "following" and their "tweets" can all be sent to your phone. (This feature was a bit frightening to think of how often my phone would be going off but I've limited the people I subscribe to and I can set the hours that I want to receive texts - as in not when I'm sleeping!)
I'm not a paid endorser :) but I do think its another cool site that I check way too frequently.

2. One of my former zoners Holly posted a facebook status with the quote "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." I've heard the quote before but it was a good reminder for me. I'm not very good at it... I get impatient and I usually fail but I keep trying.

3. They showed a video at church a few weeks ago that I really liked and found the link... check out The Truth

4. I counted last week and I've worked 118 home events this year... but only four left! I'll still have to go to Burlington Apr. 16-19 for the USA South Tournaments and I'll be in Florida May 8-17 for the NCAA DIII Golf Championships but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each year does get easier but I feel like it takes so much out of me. I love being a part of college athletics but it can be draining. I'm anxious for the summer... riley fest... kelsie's wedding... and another trip to mississippi for sure. Hoping to do some more work on my house and make plenty of trips to the beach. I can't wait to have some free time to make my own schedule.

5. Sunday is Easter. I feel like it always makes me reflective... The pastor this past Sunday said "I want you to know why I'm a Christian." I think I spent a lot of my life just saying "I want you to know I'm a Christian" and most people look at me and think "good for you" or "stop judging me" but it doesn't mean anything without the why. I don't like religion. I don't like rituals. I believe the Bible is true and I try to apply it to my life. I believe in God. I believe He sent His Son, Jesus... who was human and God all at the same time... to come to earth... I believe He was hung on a cross to die... not for what He did wrong but for what I did, do and will do wrong. I need God to make sense of this life. Most people ask if there's a God why do bad things happen to good people... Dr. Tony Cartledge talked about this a week ago in reference to Luke 13... and I think the point is we all deserve to die... It's not a point of some were more evil than others, or God made a mistake and a few good ones slipped into the evil pile. I don't even think God categorizes us as good people and bad people... we've all screwed up.. just by being human Adam and Eve messed it up for all of us! Check out Dr. Cartledge's message at The Year of No Fig Preserves or his blog.

6. I don't get to go home for Easter. I suppose I could try to make quick trip but I'm not sure it's worth driving six hours each way to be there for such a short time. My parents brought me my Easter basket (how many 26-year olds still get Easter baskets? perhaps this is one benefit to being single) this past weekend and I'll have softball Friday and tennis Saturday to keep me occupied. I'm contemplating attempting to make it to a sunrise service Sunday before heading to my church. I've been taking two to four girls to church each Sunday the past few weeks so I've gotten used to company... back to sitting by myself but maybe its all for a good reason. Either way... happy Easter!

car or driver...

I went to FCA tonight (fellowship of christian athletes for those curious). There's a woman on campus this week hanging out kind of seeing what we do here at Methodist (exciting things of course). She plugged the camp where she works and had us play a game. I can be a bit skeptical when it comes to playing group games because I'm not always sure if adults understand their audience... or perhaps I can just be a bit of a stick in the mud but I was feeling open and optimistic tonight.

Everyone had to find a partner and face each other. One person was the car... which meant you had to close your eyes and keep your hands out in front of you like "bumpers." The other person was the driver... which meant you turned the car around to face the other direction and put your hands on their shoulders to drive. We got to meander around (no faster than 3 mph :) for a minute or two and then switched roles. I'm sure everyone felt a little silly at one point or another but tons of people made crashes inevitable and entertaining of course. Afterwards we found another duo and teamed up to rehash the game. Our leader asked us to talk about what we liked and didn't like about being the car and the driver. I found solace in one of my group members who was as much of a control freak as I was feeling it hard to trust the driver when we were the car. Then we were supposed to talk about a time in our life when maybe we felt like a car or a driver. Most people related their college search or a job search... wanting to be in control but losing a lot of it. Then she asked us to apply the car and driver to Christian relationship. The cynical side of me felt the question and answer session building up to this. I'm not a big fan of those sunday school type questions. The church girl in me wants to recite something about God being the driver and we have to let go and trust Him. Most people relate the analogy about jumping into the passenger seat.

Thankfully my group wasn't satisfied with the sunday school answer. We talked about the obvious... that in our relationship with God, He should be the driver and we need to trust Him... even when it seems crazy or we'd much rather be in control. But we also talked about sometimes as Christians in our relationships with others, we need to be drivers and help steer them towards our driver, God. We decided to use the example of a vehicle I have since learned can be referred to as a tractor trailer auto transporter for our analogy. God is driving the tractor trailer but we're driving all of these other cars onto the trailer to be steered in the right direction. It all reminds me of my former employer, Inter-Rail, Inc., which was their job to unload and load vehicles off of railcars to be shipped to or from dealerships. A little off-topic... but the point is I'm on taking a ride on the tractor trailer auto transporter... trying to find my way.

P.S. Last week in chapel, mike safley talked about loving without expectations. I pray every day I can love like that.