ugh...

Today has not been the most pleasant day. I'm not sure I should blog after days like today but I want to be able to get it out and get on with it... Some random thoughts...

1. I love when I hear a song and I it reminds me of a time or place or people when I heard it. Maybe not the last time I heard it but a significant time. For example... there's a matthew west song called More that came out in 2003. My "dream job" just ended with the women's soccer team and I feel like I heard it nearly every time I got in my car while I wandered aimlessly around Cary from Sept 2003 - Feb 2004 trying to figure out what to do with my life. I can hear songs from my high school warm-up tape (yes we used tapes back then) and remember jamming out in the stadium.

2. There was a chick on American Idol that tried out with her sister a couple of years ago that I liked and found out she was a Christian. She had a myspace page and would blog with occasional updates regarding her record deal, releases, etc. She just posted a new one with info about her manager passed away from pancreatic cancer, her engagement fell through and she's no longer signed to the record company. Dealing with one is tough but I can't imagine dealing with all three in the span of a few months. But she went on in her blog to describe her new attitude that I continue to strive for. I keep trying to get there... but I want this to be me... minus the whole American Idol/record deal part!

Brooke Barrettsmith - "As I share this last piece of news with you, I’m sure if I wasn’t in my own shoes, it may appear that I just lost everything I had within a few months. But nothing is further from the truth. Whatever things were once gain to me, I have counted loss for the sake of knowing Christ. The deep, personal revival the Lord has been doing in my heart and life as a result of all these hardships is unspeakable,
irreplaceable, and invaluable. I cannot begin to describe to you the refining work God is doing at the very core of who I am. It is very exciting to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is now on the throne of my life. I have spent too many years searching out and trying to find wholeness in accomplishments, in success, and in
relationships. I have wasted so much precious time in my day to day life glorifying myself. I have missed true intimacy with my Beloved Husband... As I look back on the motion picture of my 27 years of life, I see a prideful and self-centered young woman, desperately longing to be somebody in this world. Trying to prove I am valuable and talented and worthy of love. Forgetting all along that God was offering me true satisfaction in falling more in love with my Savior. Forgetting that I was always “good enough” because of the presence of Jesus in my life. And He has
always loved me for just being me…not because I possess any special quality, talent, or achievement. I spent years trying to “make it” in life, especially the music industry. From being in a successful indie band with my sister, to American Idol, to eventually getting signed to Essential/Sony BMG in 2006…I thought I had it all…but I was still not content. The bottom line for me is now this – I am not my own... I am convinced that the Lord is calling us all out of our complacency in these last days…it is up to us respond to our Shepherd’s voice and follow Him out of the darkness of our pride. Even if it might mean losing some things we hold most dear... So did God take these things away from me for a reason? Or did I just get the short end of
the stick? The answer is this – the LORD gives, and the LORD takes away… BLESSED be the name of the Lord. There is never a short end with the Lord. We have assurance of eternal life and purpose to live this life each day! I’m not going to lie, these past 3 months have been filled with tons of questions, hurt, confusion, and anxiety. Yes, anxiety – even the struggle I thought I faced and conquered 10 years
ago God in His mercy has allowed to come back in order to keep me on my knees. But it’s all part of a divine process that is in God’s hands."

3. Kelly Clarkson's new cd came out Tuesday... Yes I preordered it... Yes I listened to it a week before it was released... and Yes I love it.

4. I am thoroughly overwhelmed with work but grateful to have work and blessed to be able to pay my bills and eat (I would say put food on the table but I don't typically cook :)

5. Jason Mesnick annoys the heck out of me. If he was that distraught over his decision perhaps he shouldn't have proposed to Melissa and he could have just picked her and dated her. And then to "break up" with Melissa and make out with Molly five minutes later was the last straw. I know I shouldn't even watch this stuff.

6. I watched four and a half seasons of Lost in less than two months. Based on my job schedule, some may consider this miraculous. Just thought I'd share.

overload

It's been awhile and I think it's about that time. Life keeps threatening to overtake me and sometimes a blog is just what I need to come back down to earth.

The last month has kept me busy... too busy if I do say so myself. February is miserable with basketball wrapping up while all of the spring sports are kicking off their seasons. March is prime time for spring sports... the 23rd is the only day in which no team from Methodist will be competing... and who knows if it will stay that way if the weather keeps postponing and delaying things. Things will slow down in April after the conference tournaments but of course that's just in time to cram for the NCAA men's and women's golf national championships we're hosting in florida in may. I'm looking forward to the summer but in the meantime I keep trying to find things to escape or to keep my head above water... even if just for a little bit.

Some of my faves...
... an afternoon escape from work just to take a nap
... blasting my iPod so I can sing at the top of my lungs
... wasting an evening watching tv or movies (currently catching up on lost)
... going out to dinner and staying late just to talk until they kick us out
... calling a friend I haven't talked to in awhile just to catch up
... seeing my family when I don't get home nearly enough
... resting in Him when everything else is just stress

kay yow...

Wow... I had no idea writing last night would be NC State Head Coach Kay Yow's last night. I know she's at rest now. We try to comfort ourselves with using the cliche she's "in a better place" but it doesn't always make it easier.

She was a great basketball coach, but more importantly she was an awesome person. I'm out of words, but grateful for the chance I had to meet her and watch her coach.

Michelle Voepel tribute
NC State release
Video from CBS special last weekend

In lieu of sending flowers, donations can be made to the Kay Yow/WBCA Cancer
Fund at www.JimmyV.org, by calling
1-800-4JimmyV, or by mailing checks to the WBCA with attention Megan Smith at
4646 Lawrenceville Hwy. Lilburn, GA 30047. All donations are tax deductible.
Visiting and funeral arrangements will be posted on www.wbca.org as soon as they are available.
To share your thoughts and prayers with the family or memories of Yow, click
here.

pink

I think sometimes I become impatient with people who have a cause that they beat into others. Whether it be religion or global warming or politics or disease research... it was fine if they were passionate about it but why do you have to knock me over with it incessantly? I'm curious as to what others believe but I don't want to feel pressured to give or act out of guilt or peer pressure. Nevertheless, I've caught the bug.

Last year our women's basketball coach became passionate about a program called "Think Pink" to raise awareness and funds for breast cancer. NC State Head Coach Kay Yow has been fighting cancer for years and has hosted a large event that has inspired college programs around the country to adopt the "Think Pink" program to host events on their own campuses. Methodist Head Coach DeeDee Jarman has been an avid supporter of Coach Yow having worked her camps for many years while admiring her faith and commitment. Coach Jarman jumped into "Think Pink" with everything she had and raised money for pink uniforms for her team, donations for a silent auction in addition to $3,350 to present to Coach Yow for her cancer fund. The event featured a halftime ceremony to honor breast cancer survivors that brought many to tears... or at least close to it.

This year's event has been renamed "Pink Zone" but features the same goals Coach Yow has in her own life. Often, with a cause like this, you have to have a connection to it to really get it. Maybe you know someone who has fought or is fighting breast cancer and this hits home for you. Maybe you realize that one in seven women either has or will develop breast cancer and want to fight those odds. Maybe you have no connection to breast cancer and that's okay. I'm the one that just didn't want to go to the web site to click for breast cancer (the breast cancer site). It's not like it even cost me anything all I had to do was click but I didn't care.

Methodist University is hosting a Pink Zone event Feb. 14 at 2 pm. The women's basketball team will play Peace College but it's more than just a game. The school colors take a back seat to a cause that too many can connect to. We're selling t-shirts... many of you don't need another t-shirt. That's ok. Many of you don't live anywhere near to come to a basketball game in NC... That's ok too. Our silent auction will feature autographed basketballs by Michael Jordan, Coach Yow, Tennessee Head Coach Pat Summitt, UNC Head Coach Sylvia Hatchell and team, Syracuse Head Coach Jim Boeheim and an autographed football by Eli Manning. Even if you don't like basketball or women's basketball... it's more than just a game.

Curious yet? Ok for real no pressure... I just thought I'd share something that's grown on me. I don't know that a t-shirt I buy is going to keep me from getting cancer, but I had to start somewhere.

Methodist University Pink Zone

reading

During my travels during the month of December I was able to catch up on some reading and finished another book yesterday. I have a feeling my free time is coming to an end with my first home basketball of the new year in just a few hours but I try to escape when I can.

My future bro-in-law gave me the new Rob Bell book Jesus Wants to Save Christians for Christmas. I had heard an interview with Bell talking about the book so my curiosity was spiked and excited for Barton's gift. I started it a couple of weeks ago but sat down and read the majority of it in one sitting yesterday. There's a ton to pull away from it and I don't want to give everything away but some thoughts...

- "Because it's when we're fully present in our pain, when we're willing to sit in our tears, that we're ready to imagine a different kind of tomorrow." Bell is talking about the people in exile who cried out (Ps.137:1-4) and while I realize I'm not in a physical exile or anything close to it... after the week I had I needed to read this. Sometimes I think we try to run away... and maybe sometimes we dwell in it... but I want to be fully present in my pain that allows me to imagine a different kind of tomorrow.

- Later on in the book it talks about Philip's run-in with the eunuch. The eunuch asks Philip to baptize him, but at that time, according to the law, Philip would have been unable to baptize him because the eunuch was excluded from the group as "damaged goods." Baptizing him would jeopordize his standing with God according to the law at that time. In the book it says, "What do you do when your religion isn't big enough for God? What do you do when your rules and codes and laws simply aren't enough anymore? What do you do when your system falls apart because the new thing that God is doing is better, beyond, superior, more compelling?" Philip baptized the eunuch (Acts 8:26-40). I want to make sure my faith doesn't become a set of rituals that put God into a box.

- Another story talks about the two disciples walking back to Emmaus after Jesus' death (Luke 24:13-35). They're heading back after thinking they've made this huge mistake in leaving everything to follow this man who claimed he was something who turned out to be nothing. Jesus joins them on their walk (post-resurrection) and asks them what they're talking about. They're completely clueless and Bell says, "What we saw on the walk with Jesus and his disciples is that it's possible to be with Jesus every day and yet miss who he truly is and where we really are." I pray that doesn't become me.

I don't want to drown you in it but I feel like he makes some good points. Bell is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church and probably most recognized for his NOOMA video series. Don Golden co-wrote the book with Bell so I don't want to leave him out.

2009...

I always feel a bit reflective when we have change... especially something like a new year. I mean we celebrate the new year every 365 (or sometimes 366) days but the expectations surrounding it might lead a newcomer to believe it doesn't happen so often. We just spent the last three months preparing for Christmas and already we've moved onto a new holiday just a week later. I haven't written about much of anything the last few weeks as I've been a bit occupied.

After my trip to Florida at the beginning of the month, I went to Colorado with our women's basketball team for a few days. The team played two games but we still made time for plenty of sightseeing. I really enjoyed getting a tour of the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs. I feel like it just breeds greatness... their theme is "amazing awaits." I wrote about the trip on our website www.mumonarchs.com If you have a whole lot of free time and didn't get enough entertaining reading material for Christmas you can click on women's basketball and read all of my witty blogs about the sights from Colorado. I talked a little about "amazing awaits" but it stems from a Maya Angelou poem called "Amazement Awaits" and I just really left there wanting to go back and revive my athletic career. Instead I spent the weekend watching college athletes strive for their own amazing.

I came back from Colorado and after a brief stop to exchange luggage I flew to the Bahamas. Most people have already scoffed witholding any pity, but it was a work trip! A company Sport Tours hosts college basketball teams and they hired me to do the stats. Fifteen DI, DII, and DIII women's basketball teams competed with 15 games in three days. Now don't get me wrong I found a couple hours to hit the beach but someday I'd like to go back on my own time. It was a trip of stretching and growth along with a slight cold but I made it back to the U.S. safely.

I spent a week at home on the shore and tried to soak up the "free" time. I still tried to see as many people as I could but I was in great need of rest. I did a lot of reading and a little work but I also wanted to just appreciate Christmas. The commercialization can become overwhelming but I'm so grateful for the "reason for the season." I went to church with my family on Christmas Eve and one man sang with his three sons. Before he sang he tried to tell a story and I think he questioned his delivery, but I liked the idea. He was explaining how some frogs or toads got stuck in a draining area in his yard and it was too deep for them to jump out of on their own. He tried to help direct them, to "rescue" them from their fate in the drain but he realized how much easier it would be for them to understand if he could become a frog/toad and explain it to them. In the same way, God sent Jesus to become like man and rescue us. Sometimes we can still be so stubborn and not always embrace the rescue... but this Christmas... I just want to embrace it.

I'm back in Fayetteville and just welcomed in a new year. I look back at 2008 and know there were so many lessons to pull out of it as I look ahead...
... pride comes before the fall
... most things don't last forever
... mississippi brings rest
... God still doesn't give us anything we can't handle
... houses are expensive... even after you close
... balance the work and social life but integrate the spiritual
... don't run in high heeled boots
... cherish the people in your life as they don't last forever either

Sometimes I get so caught up looking ahead that I miss out on what's in front of me. And sometimes I get so caught up living in the moment that I forget what's ahead of me. I pray that this year I figure it all out a little bit better.

december

One trip down... three or four more to go. While I was in Florida this week I finished the book "the shack" by William Young. My future bro-in-law bought it for me months ago but reading gets tough during the semester. It's been on the NY Times Bestseller list so I've been anxious to check it out and I think I could even benefit from another reading just to try and grasp everything better. But... one of the chapters was called "Verbs and Other Freedoms" and has really left me thinking. One of the characters Sarayu was teaching another character, Mack about the differences between nouns and verbs in a relationship with God. Mack was stuck thinking of religion in terms of responsibility and expectations and Sarayu said "Before your words became nouns, they were first my words, nouns with movement and experience buried inside of them; the ability to respond and expectancy. My words are alive and dynamic - full of life and possibility; yours are dead, full of law and fear and judgment. That is why you won't find the word responsibility in the Scriptures."

Sarayu went on to try to explain religion without law, fear and judgement. "Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, or laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation' - spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

Mack responds that he would much rather live in expectancy. I too, would rather live in expectancy.

On another note, my boss was telling me a story (one of many during a 10-hour van ride to florida) about one of his former players finding his wife. A Jewish guy, he was going to Israel to serve as a player-coach in the Maccabiah Games (Jewish Olympics) and wore a sign at the opening ceremonies that read ''Single male. American. Looking for Israeli Wife. Contact Todd Schayes at the Tel Aviv Hilton.'' Thousands of women responded and when the media caught on in the U.S. a woman in Connecticut forwarded her niece's contact information to Todd and they eventually married. I thought perhaps my boss had inflated the story a bit but I found all the details from the NY Times. Quality reading...
Schayes search
Schayes wedding
My favorite quote... "I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful romantic." - Todd Schayes

I'll be in Colorado until Tuesday and then the Bahamas from Wednesday until Sunday. Heading to Maryland on Monday if all goes well. Please pray for safe travel!